My 3 Year Old Does Not like Preschool

In today’s fast paced world it is more and more difficult for parents to find the courage to trust themselves. Everyone has an opinion and is happy to share it. A stay at home mom is lucky in so many ways with less to balance on the one hand and yet so much more in another. L., I feel the way you do about preschool and would have loved to simply stay at home to raise and enjoy my two children, born 18 months apart. The reality was that they loved preschool and thrived in that environment. I was fortunate that I could balance that with a clear understanding that they would have been just as happy home with me full time and my life would have been so much simpler

I know this personally and professionally as I was there, I own and operate a wonderful “little neighborhood preschool” in my home town. I also have studied child development and am a specialist in that field in fact. I was lucky enough to study extensively with Magda Gerber in her RIE, Resources for Infant Educarers, training and have traveled repeatedly to Budapest where the philosophy originated to study there. I had been studying and running my own programs for many years, over ten years with Magda alone, when my children were born.

I love my school L., and feel it is exceptional in that it provides a home away from home based on play, social interactions while supporting families. I see children every day who thrive and grow in our unrestricted, loving environment. My community loves and supports my work and respect me highly. All this said you can imagine how surprised I was to realize if I hadn't felt such a responsibility to my community to continue my work and share what Magda so freely taught me I would have preferred to stay at home with my own two children until kindergarten age. Absolutely.

In a world where people are living longer and longer (did you know Hallmark sold 85,000 Happy 100th birthday cards last year?) WHY, do we as a society seem to insist that our children grow up earlier and earlier. The race is on make no mistake and only dedicated, sensitive parents like you can be advocates for our young ones and stand up against this onslaught. If having your child at home with you feels right by all means find the courage to do so! Has any one ever asked you when did you learn to read? When did you walk? Did you attend preschool?

Preschool can enhance a good home. It’s true, some parents depend on it, but I believe, and strongly, it is an individual choice and not "what's best for every child" There is no evidence that learning to read earlier improves your school work later on. Actually, by third or fourth grade the differences between a two year old reader and a five year old are gone. It is a love of learning and life that is most important.

One reason I see to have my preschool. which I prefer to call my play center, is that not all parents are comfortable providing exactly the experiences you describe your daughter enjoys at home with you each day. Not every parent moves so gracefully into a relationship with their child that sounds so, respectful, nurturing and interactive. Children need these things wherever they can be found. Believe in yourself, trust what you see, observe more,do less and enjoy those early years with your daughter in exactly the way works for both of you. You will be doing the best thing possible. The days will pass so quickly, she will turn five and be on her way with you to guide her along from further away. This time is so precious. I know now with my heart as well as my mind as mine are both happy, easy going teens. Preschool didn't hurt them but it wasn't a necessity.

The world needs parents like you who are willing to question the prevailing norm in deference to what they see and experience. Our children need advocates in a world that consistently offers to give them too much too soon. Maybe she will want to go to school later, maybe not. For today trust your inner voice and hers and may many blessings be yours. L. Hinrichs Topanga Ca.

3 moms found this helpful

Dear L.,

You sound like you have some doubts about the benefits of preschool and the unique needs of your daughter. So listen to your heart! And your sweet sweet daughter. You know her best and what she needs. Perhaps before making any decision, just talk to her more about why she is sad about school. Maybe it will be something that you can help her with. But, if she really just wants to be home with mommy, you sound like a person who can give quality time to your daughter and give her the individualized attention that no preschool can provide. In addition, any preparation and stimulation can certainly be provided at home, and her peer socialization can be achieved with playdates, music classes, arts and crafts, etc. You won't regret listening to her, honoring her voice, and going with her at her own pace. In fact it will probably strengthen your bond. And the day will come all too soon when she wants her independence. You can still get an occasional morning "off" through playdates or classes that don't feel so permanent and threatening to her.

I also never went to pre-school and I like to think I turned out okay. =) Actually, school came easily to me, I read long before I went to school and found it easy. You could obtain the kindergarten readiness standards to help keep pace, and perhaps she will be more interested in preschool next year.

The standards for kids are universal but we know that our children are unique. I always tell my students "it's not a race- you don't get a prize if you finish first." (On the contrary- then you have to go get a job!)

Best wishes. Your daughter is so blessed to be in such a loving home.

2 moms found this helpful

No child "needs" preschool, if they're getting plenty of stimulation and socialization with other children when they're at home. Don't feel pressured into putting her into school if you feel in your gut that it's not right for her. You're her mom, you know instinctively what's right. I adopted my now ten year old from China at about a year old, and she tells me now that she hated preschool, because it felt like I was never coming back. She said she KNEW I would come back but it FELT like I wouldn't. Very telling! I would heartily recommend the book "the Connected Child" by Dr Karen Purvis, it's the book I wish I would have had when my daughter was a preschooler!! So many wonderful insights and tips for dealing with our kids, no matter how well they "seem" to be dealing!

Good luck,
S.

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If I didn't have to work, I would have my 2 year old at home with me every day until Kindergarten and take her to the park and make play dates to make sure she is socialized. If she doesn't like it and you want to be with her, then my goodness, follow your heart and be with her. I think it's absolutely fantastic that you can. Frankly the one on one contact and learning opportunities are so much more abundant with you than in a group setting. Go for it and have a blast with her!

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in my opinion, it's ALWAYS best for your child to be home w/you! it sounds like you do a great job w/her when she's home, what w/all the activities you do w/her.... you can handle teaching her to count, learn her abc's, exposing her to other kids, etc by yourself. i didn't start my son until he was 4 1/2 & so he only did the latter 1/2 of the preschool yr, then summer, then kindergarten & he was JUST FINE! good luck to you - and bring that little girl back home! 8^)

1 mom found this helpful

I would think it silly to take her when she doesn't want to go.
Real school doesn't start until five or six and in some places like Sweden at seven.
My own oldest child started pre school at three 1/2 and he told me the very first day that it was " the best day of my life." I am mentioning this to explain that children this young do know what they think and feel. If she doesn't like it, she doesn't like it, so why make her go?
She sounds like a darling child and a joy to have.
Maybe you could just organize more play dates and outings.
B.

HI L.,

You've gotten lots of good info, so I'll just add that my Mommy and Me teacher (who has a Master's in Early Childhoood Dev.) told us that kids who are entering Kindergarten need the folllowing skills/experience, which can be met through pre-school, or just lots of socialization and play groups.

1) to be comfortable in groups where the kids out-number the adults
2) to be able to get his/her own needs met, or be able to wait for them to be met (wait in line, ask for what she needs, be able to wash her own hands, etc.)

Plus, if you're reading and talking with her, she'll recognize her numbers and letters.

you also might want to check out a co-op preschool, where you work one day a week, and don't leave her until she is ready for it.

It might be worthwile to check out a therapist who specializes in adoptions, just to be sure everything is "on track"

good luck!
C.

HI. My daughter will be 3 in October and after much soul searching I feel very Comfortable and Confident that she will NOT be starting school. After all the proding of outside influences and complete strangers of "What preschool is she going to?" I have given up being embarassed to be the few who think 3 is too young. I dont understand the hurry. I dont need daycare. And i dont feel like leaving her to navigate those waters alone yet. I am proud to say she wont be starting preschool until 4.

Hi L.,
You are not alone! My son will be 4 in late October and I will not start preschool until the Spring (maybe) for 2 days and the Fall of 2009 for 3 days (where he will turn 5). Because his b-day is late he will not start kindergarten until he is 5 almost 6. "They" say boys can benefit from starting later. A teacher friend told me that another teacher told her he had never heard of anyone complaining about starting later but many regrets about starting too early. I was like you in the old days, went straight to kinder (and I was 4 turned 5 in early October) and I cried for my mom every day and clung to the fence for a week (and I turned out OK, too). In my current case, I quit my job to stay home so not only can I not afford preschool, that is the reason I quit my job--to be at home with my son and my daughter after school (she will be in 4th grade). My son and I go to a Mommy & Me class once a week during the school year (not summer), so he gets socialization and learns about routine and school. It sounds like your daughter gets plenty of what she needs at home. I do understand about your time too, because I don't get any of that until after they go to bed at night. And I am trying to run a business in my "FREE" time. Ha!! Like I said, late at night. Anyway, I am not an expert, just another Mom who wants the best for her kids (like you)! Good luck to you and your sweetie!
J.

My suggestion would be to follow your instincts. You know in your heart what's best for her.

I would also suggest that if you decide to keep her out of preschool try to to set up some learning time. Teach her the alphabet, numbers, colors, shapes, etc. that children are learning at preschool.

Who knows, by the time she's 4 she may be ready to go to preschool!

You sound like a very loving mom and she's lucky to have you. Make the decision that feels right to you. Good luck!

Hi L.,
So sorry you're having such a hard time! My son is not yet 2 so he's not in preschool yet but with a background in education as well as working in a preschool setting this is my advice- it is very hard on a young child to only go 2 days a week to school esp if they are not consecutive days. Because everyday they have to go through the seperation anxiety all over again and if there have been long breaks in between it is much harder! My advice is if you want preschool to do at least 3 days in a row. Also, staying at the preschool with your child for a week (more or less depending on the child) and slowly transitioning to leaving really helps.
But it's great that you are so aware of your child's needs! If she doesn't go to preschool she will still be ok!!!

Hi L.,
As a stay at home mom you have wonderful opportunities to stimulate and educate your beautiful daughter, through every day activities. I too am struggling with whether or not to start my 3 year old in preschool, but I realize how quickly these beginning years go, how much we can do together and how much I have to give her with my attention one on one.

Preschools can be wonderful opportunities for kids. I think they can prepare children for Kindergarten and give them social skills and stimulus, but I truly believe it's not for everyone. Listen to your daughter-if she wants to be home with you,and you are blessed to be able to stay home with her right now, you should. And don't feel guilty about it. You are not hampering her in any way. Maybe this could be an opportunity for the two of you to do a "Mommy and Me" class together, or a fun art or dance class- to get out of the house and have some social interaction with other kids her age.
Good luck and best wishes!

If you decide to continue with preschool, maybe try a different one. My son's daycare moved (she lost her lease) and was quite a distance away, so we had to find a new one. The first one we sent him to it was obvious he hated it. We thought it was an adjustment period but after 3 months, he was biting kids and screaming as soon as my husband pulled in the driveway. His new daycare he immediately took his jacket off, threw it on the couch, and began playing like he was born to be there. Now, a year and a half later, he has his off-days when he protests(he knows I am home on maternity leave with the baby) but it is obvious how happy he is when I pick him up, no sad little boy anymore at the end of the day.

It's not so radical! I opted to keep my son home as well. You just need to assess your own particular child and that child's needs. Especially with separation issues, it is probably best to provide the extra bonding time with you. BTW, I'm a clinical psychologist specializing in treating trauma in young children. (Don't specialize in adoption though). Trust your instincts!!

It seems to me that in this particular case, it would be better for to not attend preschool...at least not THIS one. Since she is 3 years old, she is unable to articulate what her exact fears are, so you might have to do some investigative work.

When my daughter was 3, she cried every single day when having to go to school. I found out that her teacher yelled too much at all the kids, so I transferred her.

I think it's important to establish a good experience with school at these young ages because this sets up the framework for their academic experience. You friend was traumatized at 2 and most likely always felt that school was a punishment, rather than an opportunity for learning and growing.

I'm no expert, but from the sound of your story, I would keep my daughter home with me. Given her circumstances of being raised in an orphanage and only with you for the past 2 years, she may benefit much more in terms of attachment and security by staying home with you. There will always be school and from what I understand, preschool is not necessary and some Moms start their kids just before Kindergarden, not at 2.5 or 3 years. I think your daughter needs the security of her home and her Mom to establish those all important attachment roots. This is just a Mom's opinion. I'm not expert.

Hi L.,

Follow your instincts. You might want to work with a psychologist because of the adoption issue to make sure you are doing everything you can to support your daughter with learning to separate.

You are not alone. I didn't like preschool as a choice for our daughter either. She's thriving at home with me. She takes classes, some mommy and me and some alone. She has playdates. We go special places like museums, the zoo, aquarium, concerts. I love it. She loves it.

Some mothers react negatively when I tell them my daughter is not in preschool, but most are supportive especially after they meet my daughter and see how well adjusted she is. And my pediatrician made an interesting comment the last time we saw him. He commented how sweet and comfortable she is, then asked if she had started preschool yet. When I replied she hadn't and wasn't going to he said that explained a lot and good for me.

Preschool works for many and is necessary for many but that doesn't mean it's the only choice. Follow your instincts.

Good luck,
K.

L.,
I use to teach preschool and I had both my children in there while doing so and all I can say is with today's school system preschool gives kids the headstart they need to be successful. Kindergarten moves as such a fast pace now and days that they almost are behind without the head start they get in preschool.
Have you thought about staying with her while she is there? Perhaps helping out in her class so she feels more comfortable

Hey if she doesn't like it and you don't mind her being at home with you then forget about preschool..i hated preschool too so my parents didn't force me to go. It didn't hurt me but...i never liked school..all the way to the end..and am a musician...maybe you could have her take piano lessons?? or some sort of ballet? LACMA has a free arts and crafts class in Hollywood every day for kids til 9pm at night! you can take her there once a week assuming you live in LA? My son is almost 29 months i've just started checking out preschools..if he doesn't like it i won't force it..i guess i just remember being a child so well ..and loathing preschool..if it makes you feel better take 30 minutes a day to teach ...get out some books read..buy educational books that have little lessons in them..maybe make a little school room and "play" school...just to make school seem fun so when she goes off to kindergarten she have a feel for school.
i understand that nagging feeling of "would it be better for them in a school?" that's what i'm going through right now so it was good for me to see your post*

L.,
I think parents know what is best for their children, it sounds like you have some good ideas about what might be the best for your child, given her adopted background. It might not be the right school for your daughter. Some preschool have a transitional program where parents can stay for part of the time while their children participate in the program. You should also seek the support of the staff at her school, and if they can't help you, you might want to look elsewhere.

Tons of parents home school, there is no reason you can't teach her what she needs. You might look of other ways to engage her socially, through playgroups, classes, etc.

I have personally had a very difficult time with my son in preschool. He started just after he turned 2 in January, as I teach full time and my parents watch him during the day. We all felt he needed some socialization, but it has not been easy, he cried a lot for my parents, and still cries now when we drop him off. But its only 3 days, we're still at it. And he's doing much better, but we've had our ups and downs. He needs to get out and be engaged each day, so I think its good for him, and all of us too.

Follow you heart and go with your gut feeling. You might want to look for a better place you and you daughter feel good about.
Best wishes!

I am an educator with a master's degree plus a mother of a child who was assessed as gifted. I did send him to a preschool that practiced developmentally appropriate methods and provided the right kind of intellectual and social stimulation / learning. Is preschool necessary? Perhaps the more appropriate question to ask is will it be helpful in her education? The answer is a qualified yes. Yes because this is the age that your child's brain is most pliable. Learning should be maximized and guided because her senses are hungry for information. She can benefit highly from a well-planned learning environment. On the other hand, I added the word "qualified" because there are so many factors to consider--the kind of school you're bringing your child to is a major factor, plus your child's condition. Your purpose would also be important. You should ask yourself why do you want her to go to preschool? Preschools that look at their developmental level and use this to teach the children would be a good environment for your child. Those that also provide early intervention are also very helpful.

Now the case of your daughter being adopted is a serious matter which could actually define a specialized arrangement for her. You may try opting for teaching her yourself at home? This is a powerful avenue for you to bond with your daughter. You are right...her being adopted has a lot to do with her wanting to be with you 24/7. She is insecure and wants assurance that you will be with her. At this point, it may be best to continually affirm her of your loyalty, your love, your commitment on top of all the outward expressions, the action that goes with the verbal assurances. You may also opt for classes that allow parents to be in the teaching process. Or, you may opt for special day classes, where there will be days she is with friends, and days she is with you. Or, you can opt for schools that allow your daughter to be with the class during an alloted time within the day where she can be with other children while you watch her socialize and play. I'm sure there would be schools that would be willing to look into your special arrangements.

I do hope your daughter will finally feel secure, and hope that you can help her through this. God bless!

Hi L.,
You are incredibly blessed to have so much time to be with your child. I always think that the best thing a parent can do in terms of raising their child is to follow their insticts. If you have the time, the patience and means to have your child at home with you longer, then go for it! Speaking as a former prescool teacher, it sounds like you are already doing all the things that a school would. She really will not be irrepairably damaged if she is not in school until she startrs kindergarten. She will have benefited from spending as much time with you as you could give and not having to do even more adjusting.

While my child is not adopted, my sister's and some friends's children are. What I have experienced is that these children very often do need extra reassurance. I have seen kids who are overly generous and are constantly giving away their stuff in an effort to keep their loved ones around them. I have also seen the other side where they are constantly pushing away because they somehow feel unloveable. Whenever I've spoken to my friends and sister they all feel that they have to work extra hard at some point to make their children feel loved and wanted. It sounds like you already think this may be part of what is going on for your daughter. Again, follow you insticts.

I hope everything goes alright for you and your family.

L.,
It sounds to me like you already know what you are going to do. If your daughter is not ready or happy for that matter don't force it on her. When or if she is ready for preschool she'll tell you. I have four kids myself and not all of them went to preschool. If she doesn't want to go don't send her. You can sometimes do better at prepairing her for kinder your self. You are her mother and you have all the tools you need for raising a smart well adjusted child who will be ready for school in no time. Good luck and enjoy all the time you can be with your daughter they grow up too fast! Wishing you all the best- Irene

You said it with: "better for a child to be home with mom and starting school when they are older and emotionally more mature."

Perhaps in lieu of preschool, you can keep her home and arrange play dates to help her socialize and cope with separation anxiety. You can then investigate preschool when she seems more ready.

Alternatively, you can volunteer at the preschool. This will allow for her to draw comfort from your being there and for you to see how she interacts in this setting.

Hi L.,
Unfortunately with the way the school systems work now and no child left behind, kids in Kindergarten are doing work that we did in first or even 2nd grade. It's definitely to your daughter's advantage to go to preschool or at the very least Pre-K. Kids in Kindergarten are expected to be able to write, read and do math. My son was in day care since he was 2 months old and in preschool since he was 2 years old - but he happens to love school so that was never an issue for me.

That being said, have you asked your daughter why she doesn't like the school? She should be able to give you some indication and it may be something that can be fixed. Another kid may be bothering her or the teacher may not be very nice... Did you check with other parents before sending her there? The school should be able to give you references to check. Or it just may not be the right place for her. Speak to your friends and neighbors about where they send their kids. They may have another place to recommend. Go visit some other places with your daughter. I went to 3 preschools with my son and we did a tour and we could see which places he liked or didn't like. Also, if you belong to a Church or Synagogue, they may have preschool too. She may be more confortable in that setting. Also, you didn't say when your daughter will be 4. If she just turned 3, you might want to wait until she is closer to 4 years old. She may be more ready then.

I know it's upsetting when you kid is unhappy. But if you can find out why, it will help you figure out where to send her since you have to send her somewhere eventually.

I hope this helps. Good luck!

Hi there,
I think your instinct that your daughter is relating to her pre adoption years is probably correct, and she's really lucky that you are so mindful of her pre verbal feelings.

Nothing that anyone writes here is going to be relevant unless their child was adopted. PLEASE seek the advice of a good therapist, preferably one with a strong background in adoption issues, as to how to proceed. My fear would be that you might be interferring with the attachment/security process of your little girl.

Good luck!

Trust your gut instinct. You know better than anyone else what is good for your child. Play time is not that hard to come by and your little one will be just fine. I have never sent my kids to preschool and they socialize just fine. If it feels like a punishment, it probably is. Wait until they are older to force them to go to school.

There will be plenty of time to be apart from your child so you may want to enjoy your time together now. It goes so fast!

Hi L. -

Yes! I took my daughter out of a preschool that she started at around age 3. She went there for maybe 2-3 months tops and I felt she was too little. She wanted to play, but the older kids at the school had this wierd culture that shunned the little ones and they'd get a bit rough about keeping them at bay. I, like you, was a stay-at-home mom and didn't really need her to go. At that age, I certainly wasn't looking for any academic exposure, so we went back to what we were doing, which was going on little outings, having play dates, etc. We also belonged to a play group, which was so lovely. All us mommies were great support for one another and the kids had been together from very little babies up to when they all started going to school and scattered.

I had my daughter go back to a different preschool a whole year later. I knew where I should have had her go in the first place, but I had tried one closer to home first. Because I'm a SAHM, our income is smaller, so we were only considering co-op preschools; they are less expensive because parents are all pitching in. If you are at all interested in something like that, I highly recommend La Playa in Culver City. Each family gives one morning a week, plus needs to participate once a year in general clean-up. The teachers are wonderful and there are lots of adults around, so the ratio is better, in my opinion. Meaning, the kids are looked after with a bit more diligence than at some other schools.

Personally, I wasn't looking for an academic environment. Because kindergarten at most schools starts right in with learning, the kids do need to have some readiness. Even at a school that is play-based, they do expose the kids to some learning and step it up a bit toward the last few months of the graduates' final year. My daughter was there for only one year.

If you do as I did, I do have one bit of advice -- really make sure your child is read for kindergarten. Mine was having such a blast socially that when she got into elementary school, it was a bit of a shock for her. I still wouldn't do otherwise, as far as my choice of school. But I might have held her back for another year of preschool, just so she could have had that extra time to just be a little kid. Her b-day happens to be right before the school year begings, so I just thought she'd be ready. She didn't have the maturity to deal with the rigors of school, unfortunately. I honestly do not believe the answer for that would have been to have had her in an academic preschool, but I'll never know for certain.

Considering the strong message your daughter is giving you, I would seriously give thought to letting hre put if off for a time and try again later. Whatever school you choose, perhaps they'll let you hang around for the first few days and let her transition more gently. The more secure your daughter feels, the more confident she will be, and the more independent she can be.

All the best to you and your family,
C.

We did something a little unique I wanted to share. My husband has been in school the whole 8 yrs we've been married so far, so we've always been on a tight budget. I stay home and manage apartments to cover our rent.
When the preschool issue came up for me with my oldest there was no budget to pay for it. I had some pretty good friends from church with kids the same age and we decided to do the at-home co-op style of preschool. We used the "Joy School" curriculum from valuesparenting.com. I loved it!!! My daughter loved it and it was so much fun.
After joining the tuition for the online curriculum works out to be about $15.50/month! My favorite part was the lessons and values the kids were learning. It's not all academic (you can add that aspect too if desired) but much more social and exploratory. My daughter loved it! I moved shortly after that I and could not find anyone that wanted to participate when my 2nd child was of age and I still really feel like he missed out.
So the co-op system is where 2-6 kids and moms form a group. You rotate each mom being the teacher for one week. Typically this is 2x week for 2 1/2 hrs. So we did Tues/Thurs 9:30-12. It was amazing. The kids loved it, they were with friends and trusted families and moms got to share in the joys of whatever topic was being focused on. All the lessons are completely outlined for you and they even send out cds of special songs on each unit, but there are some special trips to the library recommended here and there for some valuable teaching aids.