My 3 Year Old and Her Step Mom

She is going to be in her life a long time, you need to let it go and let her call her mom or another name like mom. It hurt when my daughter started calling her step mom mom, she called me momma, but I sat down and thought about what was really going on.

The person my ex is still with today, nearly 30 years later, is the best thing to happen to my family. She sits and talks to my daughter when she has a problem, she listens better than me, she taught my daughter everything there is to know about running a household, she taught her compassion, she made my ex pay child support and I know this because most times it was her signature on the check, and she loved my daughter like her own children.

I wonder what our family would be like if I had drawn the line and tried to make demands. Your daughter is 3, she feels like she is hurting your feelings by calling step mom mom, you need to be the adult and tell her it's okay, you love her enough to know she can have other female role models and love them too. The issue is yours, no one else's. Let it go. Tell her she can call her mom too and it's okay with you. I can guarantee when they have kids and those kids are calling her momma your daughter will want to too.

Then you might talk with them to find a compromise about exactly what she'll be calling her, for example, momma, mom, mamma XXX, my friend has all our friends kids call her mama Lynn.

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I think the adults need to talk and agree on something. Do not put a 3 year
old in the middle.

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My suggestion is don't put your child in the middle and the responsibility on her. Talk to her father and come to an agreement on what is appropriate and ask he discuss it with Step mom. Understand that she knows you are her mom and loves you and no one can take your place. But don't put her in the position of having to feel guilty as this is too much burden on such a small child.

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This woman has been in her life since she was 8 months old and you have never discussed what everyone would be called?

Don't put your daughter in the middle of this. She shouldn't feel like she has to disobey one of you just to obey the other. Sit down with her dad and step mom (and step dad if you're also married) and work this stuff out. I'm sure she's been calling her SOMETHING for a couple of years now. It isn't fair to either of them that you want to change their names now because it bugs you.

HTH
T.

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As a mom and step mom I do not think it's correct from you to get upset at a child for referencing her step mom as mom. My kids and step kids call me momma and my kids and step kids call my step kids mom - mom. She did tell me once that it was hard to hear her children call me momma but realized 40% of the time I am being there mom to them. I has been easier for us because it conservations her is always mom and I am momma so we and other friends and family dont have to ask the childrens if it was me or her that told/did something with them. My youngest is 5 and she even calls my husbands ex-wife mom since her step-sibling do, it doesn't even bother me one bit. I am secure with my relationships with all the kids mine or step so I feel no need to force them into my way of feelings. Your daughter is forming a mother/daughter relationship with this step-mom and you are telling her it's wrong, which will cause problems in the future of your daughter thinking it's okay to not listen or respect the step-mom since you do not come across as respecting her.

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I haven't read through the other responses yet, but this hit close to my heart... I don't think you should dictate what your daughter calls anyone. The love she feels for you is important and it doesn't matter how many other people she calls mom - she love YOU with her whole heart. Let her love who she wants and call them what she feels.

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(I'm not trying to be mean either as the other mom said...) BUT It sounds like you gave her the idea that it is not OK to call her step mom "mom"... THAT is why "she doesn't want to". Because BEFORE you said that she WAS calling her "mom".

I think its AWFUL that she cannot call her "mom" in your eyes. She should be able to call you BOTH "mom".

My friend's daughter calls her step-dad and real dad BOTH "daddy". She's 5. Step-daddy has been in her life since she was 2. My FIL got re-married recently, and I PERSONALLY encourage them to call my Step-MIL "grandma" although there's no relation, and they call my MIL "grandma", too.

3 year-olds (or ANY child) should NEVER be put in the middle. Share your "mom" title cause it is the right thing to do.

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She doesn't want to because you told her not to and it is important to her to please you. Coming from someone Who had two sets of parents I am pleading with you to let your own insecurities go and allow her to have two mommies. Maybe she can be mommy and you can be mama. It doesn't diminish anybody to have two grandma's. Her love for you isn't any less because she has a stepparent that she is close to.

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I am a step mom and I raised my step-daughter from the age of 9 she is now going to be 26 and my step son from the age of 12 and he is going to be 29. When this came up at their ages I told them both that it might make their mom uncomfortable and that I'm really not their mom, so they could call me by my first name. Their mom appreciated it. But at 3 years old she doesn't understand the dynamics of what is going on nor should she.
When there is a person in a childs life at such a young age you should have taken care of it much earlier than this and for sure not leave it up to your 3 year old to handle things. The adults should all sit down and discuss this. But you know I grew up calling my moms best friend Aunt and my husbands mom, mom, even though she wasn't truly "my" mom. But I will tell you this, both of my step-kids respect me and have told me that I was more of a mom to them then their own mom, why?? Because I made things easy on them in regards to the "adult" stuff, not putting them in the middle and always making them feel loved and wanted. Nothing wrong with two women showing love and wanting for children, it makes the world a better place.
Good Luck,
J. in Macomb

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Stay close, keep your relationship with your daughter strong and building memories. Back off on this totally. You can reinforce the fact that you're her mother in many ways but stay away from the stepmom issue. It'll only backfire on you. She'll sort it out over time, don't worry about that. Be supportive of the stepmom because you have many years ahead of you and your daughter may very well report to her what you say about her and the name issue. Let it go. I know it hurts but the rules in their house aren't your business unless there's some danger to her. You'll only make unnecessary trouble and it will make everything worse.

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Why do you hate it that your daughter had been calling her Mom? Do you think that your daughter is somehow going to forget about you?
Don't be insecure. If you are involved in your child's life, she will know exactly who you are, no matter what name or title anyone else may have. And please, don't do the "I'm your REAL Mom" routine---which suggests that the stepmom is fake.
I am a stepmom who happens the raise the kids 11 months of the year...and they call me by my name, because when they were young, I was afraid the kids might feel "confused" by calling two women Mom.
But I regret this choice! As it turns out, calling me by my name has resulted in MORE confusion for the kids, because other kids are always asking my kids "who is she?" or "is that your Mom? (which my kids don't know how to answer), or "I thought you didn't live with your Mom" and all that sort of thing. The kids don't like having to answer a bunch of personal questions about their family, it makes them uncomfortable....if they just referred to me as Mom, people would not ask all these questions.
I tell them to just say to people "I have two Moms" but some kids are rude and nosy---It's much easier for the kids to let a Mom be called Mom, especially at a young age, even if they have more than one.

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sorry I am not trying to be mean, really, just honest.....also I dont have the same situation so I cant be sure how I would really feel if I were you, just an outsider looking in. w/ that being said I do think that it is great that you DD has such a good bond w/ her SM that she does call her mom, afterall she has been there since the start almost and it is imp. that she trusts her and has another positive role model (hopeing that she is) I cant totally understand that it might hurt your feelings bc you are HER mom and she is not really her mom but a SM, I do see how that can be heartbreaking as I would want to be her only mom. I am pretty sure that she loves you and knows you are her real mom and nothing can ever take away that bond that you will forever share so that I think it is okay that she calls her mom too...but now you say that she does not want to call her mom and I have to be honest I think that might stem from the fact that she knows you dont like it (bc you are her number one) and she now feels guilty/conflicted whatever. I highly suggest that the three adults sit down, w/o your DD and suggest what SM can be called, something that is ok w/ all of you mabye you moma her mom you mommy her whatever.....as long as the SM is not harmful then building a positive realtionship w/ her is very imp. esp for little girls that will need somone to go to when they get older (she will have both of you! lucky her) I can see how that would be hard but honestly I would be happy if my DD had for example an aunt to go to if she felt she could not go to me, I would rather her get the help she needs then to do something silly w/o help! my parents got divorced when I was an adult so I never had this prob. w/ my SM I just call her geri verbally but I will write mom but I am not comfortable w/ that bc she came into my life at 28, but I would have been happy to have her early and call her mom. My birth mom takes every chance she can get to bash my dad and all that does is make me mad at my mom, so just a tip, as long as they are not harmful to your DD keep your negative talk about the ex and the SM to yourself as they are her parents too and she needs to love them. again sorry if this does nto help, just how I feel. xo xo remember you are her momma and no one can ever fill/replace that bond!

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I am both a mom and a step mom. I have been in my stepson's life since he was 1, and he doesn't know any different. For years he called me by my first name, becasue HIS MOTHER made him. he has never wanted to. now he is 8, and he has chosen to call me mom. But he has told me he can only do it in my house, and not when out because his mom will yell at him about it. him and I have talked and he is allowed to do what is comfortable to him. And he told me that I am as much a mom to him as his real mom.

It seems that this is similar. The difference between you and the stepmom is you gave birth to her. but i would say if the stepmom is treating her just like she is her daughter and loves her and is taking care of her, than why not allow it. your daughter will not replace you. You will ALWAYS be her mom and she knows that.

With your daughter being so young, you can't take it up with her. you have to go to the adults. your duaghter is too young to understand what you are saying and to process any information. you are placing her in a position that she shouldn't be in at her age.

I can say if my son's mom ever actually talked to me about him calling me mom, I would tell her exactly what I think. And to me, it's that I know I am not his real mom, but in every other way i am a mom to him. I love him, take care of him, help him out, and would do ANYTHING for him, as I would my own children. So in every other way excepting giving him birth he is my son. But at the same time, i am not the mom, and would NEVER think of taking that position from her. If your ex's wife feels the same way, than what's the problem. It can only help her out later in life to see that she had 2 families that loved her and cared for her, and she has 2 'moms' that can help her out with everything.

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My nephew has been in our lives since he was about 18-months-old. He is almost 5 and calls my sister (his step-mom) Nama. Her name is Amanda, but at 18-months it came out as Nama..so cute. My sister loves him with all her heart, but she would have never expected him to call her mommy. It is special to her for her to be called something other than her name because she is in his life forever and loves him more than you know! So, maybe you can suggest to her dad that his wife and your daughter make up a special name for her to call her. And when my nephew would get confused or call my sister mommy, she would always correct him. All the best!

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My little nephew always called his step mom Mommy (Mama) Jen. Would something like that be more acceptable to you/her/him?
Please don't put your child in the middle like that. You want her to love and respect her step mom don't you? Good luck!

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I agree with most of the other posters. I do, however, understand that it would be painful to be in your situation. The adults need to sort this out. Maybe she can call you mommy and her Mama Julie (or whatever her name is). Whatever you decide, you need to calmly and maturely sit down with your ex and his wife and settle it quickly. I don't have a better answer but unless you have serious issues with this woman's influence in your daughter's life, you'll have to make the best of it for your child's sake!

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As a stepmom, the hardest thing that I had to deal with is my stepson's mom making sure I understood "my place". I know that I was not his mother, but that doesn't stop me from loving him as my own. My stepson was older and so calling me by my first name was appropriate, but there is nothing wrong with your daughter having two mommies. You are allowing your own insecurities over the relationship to dictate how your daughter feels about this person. Your daughter has developed her own relationship outside of any issues that may have occurred. Does this woman love your child? Has she ever done anything that would give you pause regarding her care? The three of you need to have an adult conversation (you, the dad, and the stepmom). Be honest about how you feel, but you will also need to listen and not react to their feelings as well. You are doing your child a disservice. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is swallow our feelings for the sake of our child.

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You really shouldn't stress about a name. My stepdaughters were not allowed to call me mom, but my kids call their stepmom and my husband mom and dad. It never diminished the role I and my ex have in their life, they just count themselves lucky to have 4 parents who love them. Although my stepdaughters call me by name, they still consider me one of their moms. I have several of the kids friends who to this day, although they are married, have kids of their own, and moms of their own, STILL call me mom.
Have you considered that the step mom may have been confused and hurt about why your daughter suddenly started calling her by her name, when she had been calling her mom all along? Talk to your ex and her, and try to come to an understanding about it, but don't put your 3 year old in the middle of all of this. She doesn't want to hurt her mommy, but as the other woman has been there for almost her entire life, she wont want to hurt her either, and by forbidding her to call her mom, you are basically making your baby choose between the two of you. The very best thing you can do for your daughter is keep open communication between yourself, your ex and his wife. We have had the hard relationship, with my husbands ex constantly putting us down to his kids, and the good, where we got along with my ex and his wife, and believe me, it's so much better for the kids to see you getting along, and not getting caught up in all the bad feelings.
Good luck, and please, put your daughters feelings before yours, a name is just not worth it.

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i am sorry for your situation but i agree, if this person is a step mother, not just some temporary girlfriend, and you child has no memory of her not being in her life, she loves her. and for that, you can be upset inside, but also feel grateful that this person does include your child in their life. the alternative would upset you much more than this.

your child knows you are her mother. you can yourself refer to her as "your stepmom is coming to pick you up". but please dont put this child in a position where she feels like she is betraying one of you. she is innocent in all this. dont tell her what to call her, let her decide on what she feels comfortable with. if this woman has her own children, your daughter may just want to be included instead of different. if they go out and the waitress makes a reference to her mother, your daughter doesnt want to have to correct it. it is easier in every way to call her mom to not feel different. and if as a bonus, this woman treats her as good as a birth daughter, then you should feel proud your daughter has someone else looking out for her future. children need as much help as they can get. be grateful your daughter has only one person entering her life instead of the string of women some men expose their confused children to.

i am sorry for your hurt, but you will never be replaced. dont let your feelings of jealousy(which are perfectly fine to have in this case) be pushed on your little girl. good luck

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My mother became my 2 older brothers "mom" when they were 2 and 4...before I came along. She took care of them and treated them like her own, why would they not call her mom? Your daughter is not trying to replace you, but rather treating her like the mother she is to her...especially since she doesn't remember not having her around. Do not be threatened by this woman. Instead be thankful that there is someone else loving her when you are not around.

Tough one - My friend is in this situation (both of the childrens parents remarried quickly so the kids have 2 full sets of parents)

The kids call their real mom and dad just that mom and dad

They call their step dad papa and step mom mama.

It works for them.

Talk to the Step-Mom and ask her to respect your wishes. From this point forward, leave your daughter out of it. Even if you don't feel you're "putting her in the middle" because this "has to do with her" she will feel that way (I speak from personal experience). In actuality, other than her not wanting to call her step-mother "mom" now that you've expressed your displeasure with it, it has nothing to do with her and everything to do with your feelings in the situation, however justified they are. God speed, I know this must be a tough situation for you. :)

I have read most of the other post and totally agree with most. I am so sorry if this comes off mean, but seriously, I would think you would be happy to have a women in your childs life that she is comfortable calling MOM. She is 3 yrs old, this women loves her and has been around for most of her life. You can never have to many Mom figures in your life. My children they are older call their stepmother by her name but if they were to call her Mom it would make me feel great, she is a great stepmom and I couldn't have asked for anyone better to be a role model in their life. Our oldest has a new baby, and both parents come from split home, so I am Nanna and she is G-Momma, the others (from the wife side) are all grandma whoever. Be happy that your daughter is blessed with 2 moms that love her. Titles are petty in all scopes of life.

Bless you and your entire family.

This is so hard, and I understand what you're going through. When my stepson's mother met the man she eventually married(my stepson was 4) and they forced him to call him "Dad". My husband really had a hard time with it, but was advised to let it go, because you need to pick your battles.

When my stepson was in this situation, he asked me (the stepmom) what he should call me. I think he was assuming that I would force him to call me "Mom" as well. I told him that he could call me by my name, or "Mom" or he could make up a name for me. I told him as long as it was respectful, I didn't care what he called me, because we loved each other regardless. I know you're in the reverse situation, but maybe you could have a similar talk with your daughter. She's in a tough spot, trying to keep everyone happy at 3 years old.
Just remember that no matter what she calls her stepmom, it doesn't diminish your relationship with her. She loves *you*, Mom.
Good luck!

I would try talking to you ex and his wife. If she is truley saying that your daughter has to call her mom that is not right. I am not in your situation and have no experience with it, but i know i would not like my kids calling someone else mom, however your daughter should do what is comfortable for her. She is the one going back and forth and has 2 familes that love her, but it is definatly not ok to make her call her mom either.

She is only 3 :( .....take this up with the adults.....i like the idea of your DD calling her "mama jen" ........she's still a baby don't maker her deal with adult issues.....hold your head up high & don't let anyone make you feel insecure or insignificant, you are her mother, no matter what

Being a child of divorce and growing up with two sets of parents was quite the experience. My parents kept a good relationship for our sake. I have two moms and two dads. I address my stepmother as Mom and my stepfather as Dad, because they are important people in my life. I use their names as well, but only to specify which parent I am referring to (i.e. Missy-Mom or Gino-Dad).

I am going to be blunt here: It's hurtful and disrespectful to the other parent (because she *is* one of your daughter's parents, regardless of how you want to feel about it) to be addressed by her name. She is doing her best to help raise your daughter when she spends time at their house. What you are doing is subtly undermining the authority she has as an elder and parental figure. Please, for your child's sake, it's not worth that.

Kelly P. is my Mom. Take it from one whose been on both ends of the spectrum. We know what it's like.

I would not want a 3 year old calling me by my first name either. However, I see how its an issue. What about a compromise like mama Jane or whatever her name is... It would keep it respectful but definitely set YOU as her MOM. A step mom is a mom figure, so your efforts to keep her respectful towards her should be appreciated.

I know that some posters are saying that you should have her call her step-mom "mom" and they see nothing wrong with it but I can understand your hesitance... I am a child of divorce and if I were ever asked to call my step-mom "mom", I would have severely resented it. On the other end of the spectrum, it IS great if this woman treats your child like her own. I think a good compromise would be for your daughter to come up with a nickname/term of endearment for her stem-mom. Some have suggested something like "Mama-Jane" (if her name was Jane) and I think something along those lines is a fair trade off. It shows respect to the step-mom but doesn't confuse your 3 year old. Especially if your daughter doesn't WANT to call this woman "mom", she shouldn't be forced into it. She's only 3 and this could confuse her and possibly make her worry that this woman is being set up to take over your role (causing possible abandoment issues? when there is no need for it).

I think this is a situation that calls for some compromise...

I'm a mom and a step mom. My kids don't care for their step mom, so they call her by her first name. I have told them that I'm ok with them calling her mom if THEY feel comfortable doing so. My step dtr is disabled and she calls me mom, but her mom is on her constantly to call me F.. I'm ok either way, I simply don't want my kids stressed out by it either way.

On the other hand, my kids have always called my husband by his first name, on occasion "dad" slips out. My kids dad has pounded it into their head that HE is their dad and NO ONE else... so they better NEVER call their step dad, "dad".

I have spoken with my ex and told him I am confident in my postition as the mom and don't care if they call his wife mom, but they CHOOSE not to. I said he should feel the same way, they are old enough to know the structure of both households, yet he chooses to stress them out about this.

Please do not put such pressure on a little 3 yo. Her step mom is the "mom" in her home and should be respected as such, including you. I have said this before, be glad that you have someone who is taking good care of your daughter because you could have a STEP MONSTER like my 2 kids have.

Good luck!

first you have to take in considerstion your daughter is3. She i am sure gets some of what ur saying n her step mom is saying but she does not realize how hurtfull it is.So I would just ask her to call her by her name n be ok with that. She is going to end up eventually calling her mom so you may need to get use to it even if she will be in her life almost the who life span of your child. But she your child realizes n know your her true mom. I am sure of it so when ever she say mom about the other lady just say oh you mean miss kathy. Call her by her first name so she realizes what she needs to say.