My 3 Almost 4 Years Old Does Not Listen

A.:

This is one of the hardest times in parenting, and the fact that you are doing it on your own makes it so much harder, I really feel for you. I agree with one comment about checking ears, my just turned 5 year old had to have tubes in her ears and up to that point I thought she was just ignoring me too!

Still defiance and "selective hearing" is a way of life.
First off I would make sure I am in his personal space and make sure you are both looking at each other. then tell him in no uncertain terms what is expected. Make sure you get up close so you don't have to yell, after all you are the grownup so you don't need to yell right? Sometimes I will even whisper to get attention, because that makes them be quieter to listen (I guess in case it is something good, they know yelling can only be bad right?). I think a light slap on the legs or bottom is also good for getting attention. As for the talking back and not doing what you say, time outs, taking away priveleges or toys works good. Another way is to make the "order" fun. A race to pick up toys, put on some music and dance it out, an extra book read for getting ready for bed quickly. This is the time when you have to start raising your child so they will turn into a pleasant adult; before it was mostly care taking. Before it was physical needs that you were taking care of, now it is mental for both of you. Best of luck, and remember the long term in who this child will grow up to be and how you will be able to look back on this stage as a parent and be able to say "I got through this, learned alot, and became an even better parent". -- A. M.

2 moms found this helpful

First have his hearing checked. I have a 16 year old daughter that is deaf and we didn't know it until she was 19 months old. Hearling loss is not like turning a radio on or off, it is more like not hearing some frequencies as well as others, which makes speech hard to understand or even hear.

Next, give him choices, choices, choices. This makes the child feel more in control.

Example: If the child asks for a drink...you say:
Would you like the green cup or the blue one?
Would you like a lid or a straw?
Would you like milk or juice?
Would you like to drink it in the kitchen or the dining room?

The key is to give 2 choices (either one you are happy with) with each question and then to ask as many "choices questions" as you can. This works with discipline too. If your child uses inappropriate actions or behavior..you say:

That behavior (or action) is not acceptable in our family, would you rather sit in your room for 5 minutes of time out or sit in the corner? If he refuses to choose, continue to ask the question, however, increase the time. He will eventually catch on that his time out becomes longer and longer the more he refuses to choose.

The hard part is sticking with the choice, however, they will quickly learn that you are going to stick with it and things really smoothed out with my daughter. She is now 16 and very well behaved, still very stubborn, but feels much more in control and therefore seems much more reasonable when discussing matters that we disagree on.

Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

When my son was that age he also did this. I always used a wooden spoon or even a fly swatter. For yrs the fly swatter was called a child swatter and the wooden spoon an atitude adjuster. Removing toys clothes etc they refuse to pick up to time out is also good. Make him face you when giving instructions and then repeat the instruction help attention problems. M. W

Hello, I also have a son who is 3 and is turning 4 this week. He is also doing the very same thing. I will tell him to do something and he will just look at me or refuses to do it. I just tell him in a very stern voice if I have to tell you again and get up you will be in trouble. That is time out or I take something away from him. It gets better also. He is also stomping his feet at me and saying awwwww, like he he dont want to do it. I think it is just the age. Keep consistant and it will eventually go away. All of my other children have done the same thing to me. Good luck.

It is not easy, but EVERY time he does not listen - no matter how big or how small the request - you must get up and go to him and have a consequence ie. stand in the corner for 3 minutes and then do what he was originally asked to do. He has learned that if he ignores your requests, the request will go away. It will take awhile to unlearn this, but better now than never. Do you really want a 10 year old that ignores you?

Try some magic words that my daughter who is a pediatric audiologist,worked her way through school as a nanny, and also taught at a school called Century school in Lawrence Kansas that was based on positive discipline. Getting into a power struggle is often part of the developmental stage of someone at 3 almost 4. They need to establish some automomy, but getting into a power struggle with a child is not helpful because no one wins. Try these words: "Billy, AS SOON AS you put your toys away we can go outside for a while and see how many birds we can count today." Or some such. If he chooses not to pick up the toys, then wait and try again in a few minutes. Minutes are a very long time to a young child.

I have four kids, the youngest who is about to turn 14, so I've had a little hands-on. My advice to you is to check with JCF (Jones Center for Families) in Springdale for the parenting classes on a course called 1-2-3 Magic. (It also has a website online with advice, and is available at the library.) It works remarkably well, especially if you begin with an early age. Too many parents treat their kids as little adults, but with practice, you will find that they thrive with well-established boundaries, and this practice teaches kids to self correct their inappropriate behavior.

When our nearly 3 year old son doesn't listen at toy pick up time, we tell him that this is his warning and he will have to pick up the toys or they will go into time out for three days. It took a few days of not getting to play with his favorite trains (which were placed in a very visible but out of reach place) before he realized that we meant business. He would walk by them and cry for them and every time that he did, we would remind him that he made the choice to not pick up his trains, so now he has to face the consequence of that choice-not getting to play with them for three days. When the three days was up, we made a big deal about getting them down from the mantle and giving them back to him. Now when he won't pick them up we remind him about them being in time out and it usually works. We did put them in time out the other night because he told me that he wanted them to go to time out so he didn't have to pick them up. He did not cry about it this time, but he has picked up the rest of his toys since then and we have done a lot less yelling about it. Good for everyone!

A.

Have you had his hearing tested to see if there is a problem with his hearing? If it is not his hearing when you ask he to do something do you follow through on what you say that is going to happen if he does not to it. Also some children start to act defiant when they are being told what to do by to many people. Do you work? Does Clay go to the babysitter, grandparents, or does he attend a Pre school or Headstart? If rules or consequence are always changing this can also start a defiant act at home. I am a Pre-K teacher and I have had parents that tell me that at home their child is so defiant but at school you could not ask for a better child. At home the child has free range and at school there are consequences when they do not follow the rules and they know that the teacher will follow through. Just somethings to think about.

You need to get control now, because it will get worse. One suggestion: if you tell him to do something and he doesn't, don't tell him again. It is already too late. There needs to be an immediate unpleasant consequence, or he will learn that you are a pushover, and will lose all respect for you. It sounds like he has already reached that point. Read Dr. James Dobson's "Dare To Discipline". It will help.

As a mother and grandmother I have delt with this situationmore than once. First make sure he is not losing his hearing. This can be done by dropping something in his presence;acup or coin. Kids love secrets the more defiant and unwilling he is to listen the more quiet you should be. When you catch him being good quietly whisper a gift he will get: a nickel or dime or small icecream for example.

I am a mother and grandmother. I have raised 4 girls and helped with my grandchildren often. F.

First I would have his ears checked.

If all is okay, I would cup my hand, drop his pants,
give him to licks on his bottom, and put him in the corner
for 30 seconds. Repeat until he understand that you are mom.

God Bless

I'm so happy to hear I am not alone! LOL My 3 1/2 yr old daughter is beginning to be very defiant and sassy! I tried "sassy spray" (vinegar and water) as much as she hates it, time out seems to work better for her. She has to sit on a stool in the hall away from everyone, she ususally screams for 2 of the 3 minutes and she is difficult to ignore-but that is the point of time out right?! We've done time out at Grandmas, the car dealer wherever we are and she gets sassy or won't listen. She's my first so I am assuming it is the age of wanting to make her own decisions. Whatever it is I don't like it, she's been such a good girl up until now-she's still ususally very good, till you tell her she needs to get dressed, its time for nap, time's up on the computer, etc... We got through the 18 mos throwing fits stage-lets hope this one doesn't last too long!
My only advice is to pick the punishment that works best for him-the one he hates the most and do it every time. I found the hardest part of discipline and parenting is the most important CONSISTENCY, and prayer! And we'll get through it. God bless