My 2 Yr Olds Violent Behavior

A.,

Please sign up for this parenting course, it's free and it's near you!!! I'm taking it right now, the next session starts in March. Here are the topics in order for the next session: (note: in my opinion, the first two classes are the most important, very valuable info that I promise will help your current situation).
3/26: Understanding behavior - Temperament and Stages
4/2: Building a Bond with our Children/Parenting styles.
4/16: Discipline strategies that work!
4/23: Establishing rules and routines
4/30: Choices and consequences
5/7: Temper Tantrums and the power of encouragement
5/14 & 5/21: Open discussions Q&A
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I'm going to paste the flyer at the end of my post with more information, including a link to Sandi's radio talk show website. Also, I just noticed, the above schedule is for the Menifee Valley Mt. MSJC campus, they also have these classes the the San Jacinto Campus if that is closer to you (call them though as the dates are different) - their number is: ###-###-####.

Some personal advice that I'd like to add is your son is not violent, he is 2. Try not to label him. His behaivor, although frustrating, is actually age appropriate. You just need to get some good tools to deal with it. At this age, redirecting and preventing works best. When you do need to discipline, less talk and emotion from you. Keep it simple and above all, always try to be clear and consistent (in everything you do with him). For example, you dont just say, this room is a mess, clean it up!! You say, (insert name) can you please put all the blocks in the blue bin? When he hits his little brother or pushes, or bites, whatever works for him! LOL!, simply say, we don't push, pusing is not nice - and redirect him. If you make a racket everytime he does something "bad" then he'll continue to do it, because attetion is attention at this age, whether he gets it from good behaivor or bad behaivor. Catch him doing things right. When you do see him playing nicely, make it a point to get down to his level and say, Wow! you are playing so nicely! Mommy loves to see you being nice to your little brother, then give him a big hug and a kiss. Wow!! He'll think, Mommy is so proud of me, I love the way that felt! On the other hand, if you give him little attention after hitting or pushing, just simply say, we don't hit, hitting is not nice - redirect, take away toy he hit with if needed, but keep the conversation to a minimum, he'll catch on quickly that good behaivor feels much nicer than bad behaivor. Sorry - didn't mean to get so long winded. My son was a hitter at that age. It didn't last long, thank God! But I remember it like it was yesterday. Once you see what is behind the behaivor, fixing it and dealing with it can be so much easier - for everyone! OK - here is the flyer for the parenting class - I highly recommend it!! Going to a parenting class doesn't mean you are bad parent or don't know what you are doing - it means you care and want to be the best parent!!

Calling All Parents: Free Parenting Course offered at MSJC

As a parent you may be struggling to understand your child’s behavior or you may be trying to build a strong bond with your child. You may also be wondering if there is a different method of guidance to deal with a particular situation. Or perhaps you may be questioning what kind of choices and effective consequences are best for each stage in your child’s development. You will discover many answers as you participate in the extraordinary 8-week Parenting Course which invites you “to move into your greatness!”
Funded by First Five Riverside, there is no charge for these parenting classes. Starting January 29th, the classes will be given at the Menifee Valley Campus of Mount San Jacinto College every Thursday by Sandi Schwartz. Sandi Schwartz is a nationally respected educator and parenting expert, as well as an entertaining speaker. There are two sessions of one hour and a half to help best meet your schedule: from 1:00- 2:30 p.m. and from 5:30-7:00 p.m. Parents, grandparents, foster parents and teachers will greatly benefit from them. If you can’t make it for the series starting in January, there is another starting on March 26th. Parents who have attended reported that they are grateful for what they have learned and put into practice and they feel better about themselves. To register call ###-###-####

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3 moms found this helpful

The biggest factor as to whether or not discipline works is your tone of voice and temper.
My son went through something similar-he is an only child so I know he got enough attention. Things changed when I stopped getting upset or embarrassed.

I simply walked over to him and picked him up out of the situation. While holding him I talked to him so we were on the same level. Calmly tell him "you are not supposed to hurt. Nice hands not mean hands." If he calms down then have him do the "petting" to reinforce how to touch nicely.
If he has not calmed down then put him in time out until he is calm or 2 min and keep him separated until he's calm and then have him "pet"/ touch nicely.

Two year olds can't talk and so notice are there certain times when he reacts worse-is he hungry, tired, bored, end of day, afternoon, morning, dirty diaper, needs time outside to play, other children take his toys, etc.? (There may not be just one or you may not be able to notice any) Sometimes kids just even need alone time. Take him with you into the kitchen while you make dinner, do laundry, clean up, let him help, (2 yr olds love this), etc.
Good luck!!!

2 moms found this helpful

Hi A.:
You may feel,that your 2 year old is getting the majority of the attention,because he is the one acting out of late.His behavior is very normal at this stage.He has a house full of other kids,the majority of the time, and he is struggling,not only to find his own identity,but How to (Play) and mingle with others.Children this age,don't understand yet,how to be courteous, polite,or compassionate to others feelings.Its up to us as parents to teach them,guide them.Its difficult,at times to find the patience and time,to do this,especially someone like yourself, with so much responsibility, and little or no help.I'm glad to see you have a good level head on your shoulders,thats half the battle right there.Hitting,spanking,yelling at your toddler,will eliminate some of your frustrations,or anger,but it is of no benifit to your child.The idea,is to gain their respect,not to fear you each and every time you walk into a room. He is still young to comprehend time outs. I like the technique SH came up with. Give the toy a time out.They can better understand,when one of their favorite toys is missing for a few minutes. You need to take the time to tell him why,or it will only appear,that your merely doing it out of meanness. He needs to know there is a purpose for your action.Take some time to teach him how to play. I use to sit with my son and his cousin,who use to fight over toys constantly. I'd give them both a toy,let them play a few minutes with it,then i'd say "ok" "Lets play share" Mikey you give jay your toy and jay you give mikey yours.They weren't sure if they liked it or not at first.It lasted only a short time,before they wanted to trade.I'd say "Ok" "Share time" They would crack up,because it was amusing to them.A few minutes latter,I'd have them trade again, soon they caught on. I'd leave them,and could hear them laughing and saying "share time" Its all a teaching process. Your toddler is not bad,just inexperienced in play,and knowing how to relate with others. You sound so overwelmed with all the kids,and no help. Have you considered dropping some of your kids,or getting help once or twice a week? I wish you the very best. J. M

2 moms found this helpful

I had the exact same thoughts as Tuesday wrote in her post.

Toddlers, kids and even adults act out for attention because they know that there will be some kind of gratification...good or bad, he's getting you to stop what you're doing. It almost seems like its not the typical jealousy thing, but a different version with a kind of possesiveness that toddlers get over Mom.

Be consistent with discipline when it comes to all your kids. Find something that can be used for all ages groups and adapted for you oldest. Talk to your son and explain the differences between him and his brothers...one's little the other is older, even if you start to sound like a broken record.

Just relax and be consistent...he'll get it after a while.

1 mom found this helpful

Thats the thing he gets more attention then his brothers meaning it wants it all the time, if he hits with the toy the toy is taken away from him and time out can be on his bed, if he does the time out then he has to say he is sorry to whom ever he hit, let him know if he does it again he goes back again for time out, you have to be consistence,
he still is not understanding his time out, when you catch him doing this is right then you drop what your doing with out much siad except what he did wrong march him to his time out spot, place a timer for 2 mins then he has to say I am sorry give his brother a hug. If he keeps up do not say anything to him, bring him back firmly to time out, again the timer for 2 mins, over and over again until he stays put, and he stops this, and you know what, you let the dad sit and do nothing, sit the kid in his lap and say your the dad not act like it.. you have all these kids no wonder he is hitting to get your attention.

1 mom found this helpful

my son was getting a bit aggressive..biting friends..hitting etc..so i got these books.. "Hands are Not for Hitting" .."Teeth are not for Biting" and "I Can Share" i read them to him a lot..and he has totally changed..and he even says "hands are not for hitting" etc..
try those out..and read them every day to him..the other day we were at the park and he was such a little gentleman that moms were commenting..those books really helped me w/ him.

1 mom found this helpful

A., I went through this with my son. What ended up working for me was to explain to him that hitting is not nice. Teach him "nice hands". Which is pretty much every time he hits someone youtell him to use his "nice hands" and have him go and "pet" the person he just hit and where he hit them. Have him say sorry and a 2 min. time out. Explain to him that we need to be nice to our siblings and friends. It sounds cheesey but it works. he may be acting out because of the situation. With a one year old and a handicaped child he may just need some extra attention, so try to catch him playing nice, or doing good and make a huge deal in praising him for it. Children will look for attention and if they aren't getting good attention they will act out since bad behavior always gets attention. Maybe try to give him a little extra one on one time with you. Good Luck! (Mine were bitters and left scars on each others bodies so I know what this feels like!)

1 mom found this helpful

A.:
It sounds like you have your hands full, with your own family and also taking care of your goddaughter and a baby. Having a child with special needs is a full time job. Even though you may feel like your 2 year old is getting enough attention, he may need some extra attention. Do you have a counselor? It seems like your family may need some counselling getting your husband to co-parent and setting limits on how many kids are in the house. I would really try to get your little ones on a schedule and keep them busy with toys and activities so that the fighting lessens. I'm surprised by all the anger and violence in a small child like that. He must be getting it from some where or has some pent up anger issues. That doesn't seem normal in a two year old.
S.

1 mom found this helpful

My second son was the same way. kids at this age don't quite grasp compassion. They just see cause and effect. Maybe encourage him to give handshakes, hugs and high-fives instead. If he starts hitting and you catch him, redirect him to a stuffed animal to hit on. Or maybe get him a toy punching bag and gloves. Hope this helps!

1 mom found this helpful

I would suggest a child psychologist to see if there are behavioral issues/ May be well worth knowing why he does it.
In the mean time, try to make a list of what he does and when -- note frequency/duration. Try to note what happened just before -- is he upset about something else? You are right that spanking won't help.

1 mom found this helpful

Positive praise for good behavior and toy timeout works wonders in my house! We have a closet that has a child proof lock when the "timeout" toys are located. Once a toy is in time out, they have to earn it back. We are to the point where just the threat of toy timeout is enough to change behavior.

Hi A., Just a simple thought, 2 years olds don't have the ability to say what is bothering them, and it sounds like you have a VERY busy home...maybe he is so frustrated that he is resorting to this behavior.
Also 2 year olds can bite and hit alot, no self control.
so maybe you need to reduce the chaos, and really slow down. I have a son with autism and it can take alot of time and that's less with your son. He needs all you can give him, he can't really say it though. If you have tried it all, then have him observed by an expert.
good luck, D.

He should be put in timeout every time he does this (1 minute for every year of age) and the time started over if he moves or take away favorite toys/treats/activities which he then has to earn back with good behavior. You need to sound serious enough when you do this to scare him. He needs to know that this behavior is not okay and that you will not put up with it anymore. If you make things as unpleasant as possible, he'll get the point. And make sure that you reward him when he has good behavior. Make him want to do good behavior.

Have you tried just some one on one time with him? With the other two beautiful boys being sick, he is probably the one pushed aside. Maybe the two of you can carve out an hour a day to play - no one else getting your attention. Does the older one go to school? How about the younger one taking a nap? Or maybe some cuddle time at night and reading a book.
Good luck!

You need to be more stern with him, be serious, until he knows who the boss is. Right now, he thinks he is, he's getting more attention than the other boys. Also, you need a time out area he cannot get out of, a crib or something that he's not able to physically get out of. Be strict EVERY time he does something mean, he gets a time out (and do not give him a lot of attention while doing this, just say, we don't act like that, it's time out time, and leave...once he's not getting that attention, he'll realize he's not getting what he wants - you). He will take most of your energy (which is too bad because it sounds like your 14 year old needs a lot of that help and energy), but you do not want your two other helpless boys getting hurt by your violent child. If you stick to your guns and also have activities for your kids (plus a strict routine), it should help some. (Watch super nanny - she has some GREAT ideas.)

Catch him doing what you want him to do. This isn't easy and it will take more effort, but it will be worth it in the long run. I have noticed with all of my kids (I have 5) that when I focus on the negative behavior there is so much more of it. When I start ignoring the negative and really actively praising the good. "Thank you for sharing your toy with your brother." "Thank you for being so gentle" "I love it when you ..." "It's so much nicer when you..." Unless there is a threat of death there is a lot you can let go of. Think about you, if you know doing a certain behavior will get you attention (ie. dress in a sexy dress you get noticed, if you are "sick" you get more attention, etc.) you do more of it. Your son is no different, so focus on the positive and really be genuine in looking for good behavior.

Right now you are conditioning him that if he is violent he will get your attention. Ignoring him and comforting the "victim" will also send the message that his actions aren't appropriate because they get more attention when he hurts them than he does for hurting. 2 year olds are really smart and your son is a middle child who is doing everything he can to get your attention and it's working. Just focus on the things you want him to do. I'm not saying he can hurt his brothers, but if you take them out of the situation and comfort them while he is ignored it won't be long until you see a change.

Remember this too, when you are changing a behavior it will get worse before it gets better because they really want to see if you are serious and the average kid hates change!

Good luck

Is your 2 year old getting attention because of the bad behavior, either as a consequence of or to help discourage it? Kids are smart and sometimes they discover that they get more attention (good or bad) by negative behavior. They get interaction from the discipline and then more attention because you think they need it. You can't ignore his negative behavior because he is physically harming your other boys, but you can limit the amount of interaction he gets when it happens.

When you son is hurting his siblings pick him up and tell him "We don't hurt eachother. You need to sit in __ (crib/time-out chair/whatever) for 2 minutes to help you calm down." Say it calmly, but with the authority and conviction to convey the severity of the offense. Don't say anything else. Just pick him up and put him in the time-out spot and walk away to console the victim son. After the 2 minutes, give him a hug, tell him you love him and tell him the rule of no hurting again. The the second you see him being nice to his brothers, praise him. Don't go all out, but be specific about the behavior. "I like how you shared your toy with your brother. That was very nice. Thank you." and give him a hug. Then go on with your day. Don't dwell on the previous offenses. BE CONSISTENT. It is the key. It takes time, but it is worth it.
If you aren't seeing some kind of results in a couple of weeks, you may need to see a counselor to discuss other behavior modification techniques. You are smart to want to solve this problem now before he really injures your other sons or becomes the playground bully. Good luck and hang in there.

When my 2 yr old gets a little violent with his sibs I put him on time out. He has to sit in the front hall where he can't see anyone until he calms down and can apologize. There have been times when I've needed to put up the baby gate initially to get him to stay put, but he eventually calms and sits.Is he getting more attention because of his bad behavior? If so that is probably why he is acting out so badly. You can't ignore what he is doing, but don't give him to much attention for it. Remove him from the situation and don't give him extra attention.

I agree, hitting is not the answer. I read you are seeing a therapist, that is great too. I do know that boys between the ages of 2-3 years are aggressive. This is the period in which they are experiencing the (aggressive) emotions that will be with them forever (as males) and the time in which we are supposed to train them on how to deal with this emotion in the proper manner.

Our son began biting & roaring that he was a dinosaur. He would walk up to his sisters & just bite them & roar or growl. We told him that dinosaurs don't eat people, they eat leaves. He promptly went outside, grabbed some leaves & stuck them in his mouth! When he began hitting, we purchased him a drum set. We told him that if he wants to hit, then he can do it & make music. We have also given him soft blocks to set up & whack down.

At one point, we purchase a soft doll for him. We let him pick any soft "baby" that he wanted (I say soft so that in the event it does go flying towards someone, it won't hurt as much.) He loves his baby. Sometimes my husband or I will pick it up and give it a hug & tell him what a nice baby he has. This has seemed to help us on many levels.

I hope that you can find this helpful. Best!

How are his poops? Does he have constipation and diarrhea issues? Is he unusually gassy and/or are his poops unusually smelly? Sometimes, for children who do not have enough functional communication skills yet, you may see aggressive behavior when they have digestive problems or yeast overgrowth issues in the gut. This may or may not be the issue with your son but thought I'd throw it out there because this is an issue that can be easily overlooked.

Good luck to you and your family.