My 19 Yr Old Won't Get a Job.

Cutting him off financially is the answer. When he realizes he can't do anything, can't get anything, can't have fun, he'll want to get a job.

I knew a guy several years ago who went 2 years (TWO years!!) without getting a job -- AFTER he got a college degree!! His parents were still paying his food, clothing, APARTMENT! ugh! They just enabled him to be lazy! So definitely don't do that!

First.....Give the girlfriend the boot. Don't let her come over anymore. Next, put a lock on the fridge and cabinets. I would sit down with him and a "contract". Whatever time line you are comfortable with to get him out. Then have him sign it.

It is time for some tough love. If he were my son he would either start classes or a job within 30 days or he would be out on his butt. It is time for him to grow up. If he gets a job, and wants to continue to live with you, I would charge him rent. The only way my adult kids would live with me for nothing would be if they were making a real effort to get self sufficient, like taking classes.

How about give him the two weeks, then no phone. Take him off of the car insurance also in 2 weeks. Then pick a day and tell him he needs to be out by then unless he gets a job and begins to pay HIS OWN bills and contribute to the household. No more stuff in your name--let him get his own contracts/accounts.
He doesn't have to get a job flipping burgers or working in a warehouse (both of which I've done!) but he will quickly see that with no education or skills his choices are limited.

Pack up his things in a boxes and put them in the basement or garage or whatever. Take away his bed, take the door off the hinges. Tell him that if he doesn't act like a man, he won't be treated like a man. Give him 30 days to pay you rent and tell him that if he doesn't cough it up, those boxes will be on the front porch and the locks will be changed. Under no circumstances are those boxes allowed back in his room or anywhere else in the house, or he will no longer be welcome to live in your house. IF he pays rent, then everything is returned. IF he fusses and says "you have no right to touch my stuff." tell him that if he touches it you're calling the police and asking him to leave and he's welcome to take his stuff elsewhere.

It's time for tough love. This is an extreme action, but it sounds like you've tried the patient route. He doesn't care. This will scare him (and you, most likely) and show him you are dead serious. He's a man and he needs to be expected to act like a man. He'll thank you for it.

Good luck

Play "real life" with him. Give him "x" amount of time to get out and actively find a job before cutting everything off. Offer him job counseling. Offer to help him with job applications, references, etc. Let him know that effective xx/xx/2010 he begins paying rent, insurance, utilties, food costs, etc. Offer him a discount if he is enrolled in school at least part-time. If he fails to pay on time, penalties will be assessed. If he fails behind more than 30 days (or whatever time frame you choose), things will start being shut off (ie - no payment for phone = phone shut off; no payment for TV = cable being shut off, etc.). The biggie will be the rent. If he fails to pay rent, he gets evicted. I'm sure he will realize that this is a far better deal than to actually have to go out in the real world and do all of this stuff where the penalties might not be so lenient.

Bottom line is you are not hurting him by enacting these restrictions. If anything, you are preparing him for what is to come and being a responsible and involved adult and member of society.

Good luck to you!

Life's experiences are the hardest and the best.

He sounds like he's simply enjoying the free ride and hasn't had to follow-through to this point, so my best advice is to take a hard line and let him fall so he can learn to get up.

At 19, I was home from college for no other reason than finances. I worked 3 jobs (2 full-time, 1 part-time), bought a car, saved $17K (which was a lot for making $6-$9/hour) and put myself back to school the following year. It's one thing to be out of school because of your own frivolous mistakes. It's another to be out of school because you can't afford to be there.

Working all those endless hours made me a much better student, and I appreciate the life lesson. It simply sounds like you've taken such good care of him, he's not had to learn to take care of himself.

In the eyes of the law, he's an adult. The only consequence from letting him be accountable for himself at this point is the guilt of cutting the strings and seeing him fall.

GOOD LUCK!

I agree, you need to give him a dead line to do, and start paying rent or get out, he's 19 and needs to act like an adult, he needs to help out around the house, make him get his own cell phone, car ins, and needs to have a FULL time job flipping burger's if that's what it takes by a certain date or get out...maybe, when you and your husband leave for work he has to leave too and not come back until you do for the day?? take his key?? just an idea

Sounds like you are doing the right thing. I would tell him what is expected of him as a member of the family - if he's living under your roof, he has to abide by X, X and X rules. This may include 1. Having a job or going to school 2. Helping with dishes and/or cleaning house. If he does not abide by the date you set, I would tell him he needs to find somewhere else to live. He is doing what he is doing because it has worked in the past and you have enabled him to keep doing it (not saying this to be mean). Obviously he had ideas of what to do but never followed through. Good luck!

My son couldn't decide initially after graduation and was content to work part time and play video games. After the summer went by and school started I told him he had 6 weeks to decide and commit to something... college or military or full time job. If he did not do something he would find his belongings on the front porch. He pushed it till the very last minute, but finally enlisted in the Air Force. I was so scared I was going to have to follow through with my threat, but i would have because I knew in the long run he needed to move on and would be better off for it. Good luck and be strong!! He will figure it out eventually.

I agree with the prior posts. Your house, your rules.

And as far as him being "above flipping burgers" at least "those people" are supporting themselves and not sponging off their parents!

Depending on how aggravated you are/how rude he's being about this situation, I would probably give him 30 DAYS Notice. If he's being rude to you, write it out and leave it on his pillow in an envelope or on his plate at dinner time. Make it a "formal letter" that outlines what you expect, just like as if you were a landlord. The key is though, that you have to be willing to follow through. After 19 years of Mommy and Daddy taking care of him, he's not likely to believe that you are willing to kick him out.

Back in the day, as long as I was a full time student, my parents paid my bills and believed that "college" was my full time job. Any money that I wanted to spend above and beyond what they provided was my responsibility...i.e. "play money" for going to the movies, out to eat, etc. The deal was if/when I graduated or stopped going to school, I was on my own. They weren't forcing me to go to college, just to accept the responsibilities of my "adult" choices.

I think that he needs to understand that he is no longer a student, therefore the rules have changed (since he graduated from high school). You were willing to give him some time to get his feet under him, however the clock is ticking on your generosity. He is now an adult, making adult decisions - to work or not, go into the army or not, or attend school or not...so he has to start financing his own life/decisions.

Be willing to pull the trigger on whatever HIS CHOICE is. You are not being mean. You are not "kicking him out". He is choosing the path his life is going to take.

You are a newly wed. You don't need another adult living under your roof. This is YOUR time for you and your husband.

My husbands TWO brothers were and still are that way! They are 26 and 23. The 26 y/o has three kids. Why are they still at home with no jobs? Because mom and dad let them!!! Tough love, that's all I'm gonna say and it is definantly easier said than done.

Sending you strength for sure!!!!

Good thing, he can join the military at any time!

Sure he decided after graduation that he didn't want to join the Army but that was after he figured out how to lounge around the house, do nothing and be supported by his parents indefinitely! Sounds like you need to give him a deadline to get a job *and* then enroll in school during winter session... and when that date comes and if he's still not serious, then drive him down to the recruitment office.

Sounds like you're doing about the right thing. Next step would be to kick him out if he does not pay rent. This is ridiculous that he is acting like this. He obviously has little or no ambition to take the proper and/or necessary steps in order to improve his lot in life or to get out on his own. Without that intrinsic gumption, it's going to take some pain/discomfort (not necessarily physical, although you may be tempted to literally kick him in the butt!) in order for him to do what he ought to do. But look at it his way -- he gets to sleep all day, party all night, not pay any bills, have his girlfriend around all the time, etc. -- why would he want to mess up his "perfect" life? Only when he experiences the pain of not having food to eat or a place to live or a phone to talk on, will he take steps to get those things. Too bad he has to learn the hard way, but I think it is necessary.

He's old enough to pay for his own bills, contributes nothing to your life, and is wasting your money. You've been more than generous with him, and now it's time for the little bird to be kicked out of the nest so that he can fly free. :-)

He's told you he's above flipping burgers or working in a warehouse!?!
Well, there's always hauling trash to fall back on!
He's has had all summer to play, but play time is over.
He's not paying rent or the food he eats or water/electricity he uses.
How is he filling the gas tank of his car without a job?
His Army plan was not a bad one. Take him to a recruiter.
He needs to enlist and start working for a living.
In 2 weeks, he needs to be in boot camp and finish some important growing up.

Sounds like tough love is the theme of the answers here. I certainly agree, and it looks like you've done all the right things so far. As to the next step of actually getting him out of the house, I'd make a couple of suggestions. 1st, I'm not crazy about the letting him live at home as long as he pays rent option. He's pretty set in his ways, it would be a nightmare to enforce. 2nd, instead of just dumping his stuff in the front yard and changing the locks while leaving him no place to go but his car, why don't you help him move? Drag him to apartments (get the gal pal involved, that should get you a long way, what girl wants to hang out with a guy at his parents' house?), set a deadline for him to choose (or you'll choose for him), maybe even pay his 1st month's rent or deposit (let's face it, that's way cheaper and less painful than keeping him at home for another year). Then, help him pack and move him right on out the door. It's a little gentler on your mama guilt-meter, and I also think it might be a little more effective. How long would he live in his car before you found him right back on your couch? Get him started with a bachelor pad, hook up the TV, and then he's on his own. Once he finds out how much he enjoys his freedom (even if he does have to figure out how to wash his own underwear), he'll be more likely to stay away. Be sneaky, pretend you're working as a team, but keep continually taking steps toward the front door. Out of the nest you go, little bird!!

If all the restrictions don't change the way he sees things, 'real life' just might. I think I'd try not to 'fight' about him with it. Perhaps just matter of fact. If you want food, you will need to buy it. If you want a roof, you will need to pay rent.

I know it's tough to deal with and I'm not one for throwing kids out, but there is a need for each of us to take responsibility for our lives. He's young and probably doesn't really understand what it takes to make life work. I don't think anyone truly does until they have to do it. He makes choices. There are outcomes. Leave it at that. It's that way for all of us. Hang in there! Good luck.

Kick that boy out!!! You haven't cut him off financially if you are giving him a roof over his head. Tell him he has X amount of time to find a job and/or move out!

The best thing you can do is stick to your word of cutting him off and kicking him out. Give him a date to either give you some rent money and pay his own insurance or he is out. You HAVE to stick to it so he knows you mean business or he will continue to take advantage of you. Sounds like he has been lazy for years and it is now to a point where he should be working. It starts young so now that he thinks he is "above" everything that could bring in some income. I knew a guy like that in college and he is now 40 and still lazy. Both of you sit him down and tell him that he has 2 weeks to get a job and 30 days to give you some income or he can go move in with his girlfriends. As a matter of fact, it might do him some good to talk to him WITH his girlfriend there. Let her know how lazy he is!

Tell him your way or the highway. Help him write a resume, find job listings for him, and drive him to interviews. But if he doesn't tow the line, then give him his eviction papers. I wouldn't let him sleep all day if even it means driving home from work and pouring cold water on his head. Start boxing up his things until he pays you a dime of rent or give you some money to bank for him. Mattress to the garage and turn off the water in his bathroom. He also needs a curfew.

You are risking him moving to dad's or his girlfriend's but I am guessing that won't last. Tell him you will make his life lovely if he gets a job and miserable if he does not. I am all for giving kids some flexibility and support. But he needs to come up with a plan. Take him to a therapist for some carreer counseling.

kick his butt out hes 19!!! growing up my parents rules were go to work and pay rent or go to school. my husband had the same rules and we will do the same with our 2 daughters. we currently have my husbands 16 year old brother here and guess what same rules...... it works. theirs no reason at all for a 19 year old to be doing nothing at all! kick him out give him 2 weeks to get in school or get a job then say bye bye. if he says i dont have a place to go say too bad you will figure it out. sounds harsh i know but it has to be done or he wont grow up

Kick him out. My parents told me that I was either to attend college or start paying rent. There was no choice of just staying at their house and freeloading. Nip this problem quickly. My brother-in-law freeloaded off his parents for YEARS. The longer he stayed, the more difficult it became to get him out on his own.

I'm not saying this cruelly. It sounds like he might be depressed. You can offer to help him talk through the best decision for him, but ultimately that he is now an adult and either needs to start contributing financially to the family, or be enrolled FULL TIME in school. (heck, even in college I was expected to still work part time and help out!)

It sounds to me that he might be depressed. Not following through with any of his plans, sleeping a lot, no motivation to be independent and do anything. Kicking him out without really getting to the bottom of the problem first may cause more problems in the long run. Do you think maybe he is a little lost and overwhelmed with all of the prospects? Maybe some hand holding to get him moving instead of a swift kick out the door. Have you talked with him about what he wants to do with his life? Does he have any talents or interests? There is more out there at entry level than fast food and warehouses. Maybe an apprenticeship of some kind while he stays at home. While he is legally an adult, being 19 doesn't necessarily mean you have the experience and the wisdom to make it happen.
I say these things from experience. When my husband was your sons age, I watched him go through this. His mom was newly married. She chose her husband over her son and told her son that there was no place in her house for him. He joined the Marines out of desperation and was never the same again. Typical minimum wage jobs made him even more depressed because of his mental state at the time. His close relationship with his mother was never the same either. He was very depressed and while it may have looked to others that he was just lazy and living off of his parents, that wasn't the case. He really needed help and his mother's choice had a negative impact on him at the time. My husband went on to live an exceptional life, but not all of the kids in his situation do.
You have only gotten conventional answers. I hope that this offers some perspective. Good luck to you and your family.

Good luck...I have a number of girl friends with this problem. Volunteer him for soup kitchens, taking care of the elderly at a nursing home...etc...if he doesn't do that then he is just lazy.......As the woman said when asked what was her medical reason she had to be carried into the movie theater..."Why walk when my husband is willing to carry me!!!"
good luck...it isn't easy kathy

Oh yes, time to PUSH the bird out of the nest.

My son was 20 and had worked at a meat plant stacking boxes of meat into zero degree truck trailers for about a year and decided to go into the Army. The day of him leaving for the Army he wanted to back out and I told him he was leaving the has that day, I did care where but he was going out. The doorbell rang and the recruiter was there and took him away. I told him he would be AWOL if he didn't go. It took me a year to realize I did throw him out but I had gotten myself prepared that this day was the day he was leaving and that was how it was going to be. Several years later after a lot of trials and tribulations he thanked me for what I did.

I told both of my kids while they were growing up that there would be no freeloaders in my house. So they both did work and they could stay. But he just pushed one too many buttons and I wanted him out and be gone.

Boy the house was sure quiet and calm after he left. I didn't realize just how much of a turmoil he had created by being there. Ah refreshing shalll we say.

Give him a time line, stick to it, change the locks and the phone number if you have to. Cut off the cell phone and make sure the girlfriend knows she is not welcome any longer. Betcha she leaves faster than he does.

Welcome to the real world of adult children. The other S.

PS Congrats on the new marriage. Now I know it is time for him to go. You have a new life to live with a new person and he is not invited to stay in your space.

Stop all freebies (clothes, shelter, food, phone, water [for showers, etc], services, etc.) or simply put him out. My high school gratuates were only welcome to stay as long as they were paying their own way or contruibting and co-operating with home-making. My sister has a 31 yr old step-son who's still 'dependent' -- owes about $40,000 child support, doesn't work, and still stays with his grandmother or friends. The sooner your son HAS to make it on his own, the sooner he WILL (but probably not until). You're enabling him by being so 'patient'. He needs (and deep-down wants) someone to believe he CAN be independent. The longer you pay his way, the more ingrained is the perception he gets that 'She doesn't think I can make it on my own.'

And I HOPE you don't mean that his girlfriend is permitted to 'sleep over' at your house....

This arrangement will soon start affecting your new marriage. Nip it.