36 answers

My 18 Year Old Daughter Moved in with Her Boyfriend

.Our daughter moved in with her boyfriend. She was still going to college - not sure if she will finish this semester. We helped buy a car for her with the agreement that she would pay us back. Her cell phone is on our plan and we pay the monthly bill.
She is without a job at the present time but says she is looking.
My husband told her that we will be taking the car back after the holidays - the money she put into it will be held for college tuition. We will be turning off her phone after the holidays.

What do other moms feel about this. Are we doing the correct thing? My heart plays into this too much and it is hard for me to make a decision

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

I want to thank all of you for your responses. They give me good ideas to think about.
Our agreement with her was that she would make monthly payments on the car and we would continue insurance and phone while she was in college. We are disappointed in her moving in with her boyfriend - I did tell her - there is a whole world out there to see and so much to do - why settle down now when you can do so much
We know that if she had continued her original plans of moving in with her girlfriends then we would continue providing more financial support. Because we know that she would have continued in college and working.
It may be spite but we did inform her that we were not happy with her choice of moving in with the boyfriend. We like him but he also is 21 and working minimun wage at Sonic with no college expectations. He also does not have a vehicle - he keeps saying his parents are going to buy him one - but that has not happened as of yet. They are probably tired of having to help support a 21 year old.

I will let you know what ends up happening in the future. Happy holidays to all of you and keep hanging in there. Live is definitely a challenge.

.Our daughter moved in with her boyfriend. She was still going to college - not sure if she will finish this semester. We helped buy a car for her with the agreement that she would

Featured Answers

If she is still going to school why take these things away. I think as long as she continues to go to school and looks for a job there is no reason to take things away from her. That will make it more difficult to continue to go to school and then she may drop out. Is he a bad guy, does he treat her bad? If not I think you may be a bit harsh on taking all these things from her.

2 moms found this helpful

I was 22 and in college, and had a boyfriend move in with me. My dad and stepmom had been sending me some money about once a month, but when they learned that my boyfriend had moved in, the money stopped coming with no explanation. I knew why it happened, and I was okay with it. I enjoyed the money while they sent it, but if they felt my decision to live with my boyfriend was wrong and didn't want to support it, so be it.

That being said, if what you really want is for her to reconsider her living arrangement, why not talk to her about it? Tell her why you think it's not a good idea, maybe offer her some alternatives if you can. She may or may not listen; but at least you'll be able to say you tried.

2 moms found this helpful

Sounds good to me. You had an agreement. I'd let her buy her own car and pay for her own college. My son is 17 and my husband has expectations on him. I felt it was too much with trying to finish HS but my son is doing great! Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

More Answers

Living with a boyfriend is a very "grown-up" thing to do. Grown-ups pay their own bills.

It's tough, Mom, but you have to honor her decision since she's an adult. You don't have to like it, and if she asks your opinion you can tell her why you are very concerned for her.

Bottom line, though, is that she has decided to be an adult with all the perks AND responsibilities that go along with adulthood. Let her be.

Good luck.

8 moms found this helpful

My kids are not yet this age - but the oldest is a teen and I can see the tricky stuff is already coming up and I don't think there's ever a perfect way to deal with all this stuff.

BUT - I really believe that if they are living with you and following the household rules than it's OK to subsidize their education if you can afford to do so. But once they decided to become independent and stop their education - then they should be truly independent. Tell her you love her, that you'll always be there for her - but she's clearly ready to take a step of independence and you're all for that. Independent means financially independent. Make sure she realizes that this about financial independence - that you want to encourage it. But when/if she is ready to continue her education and wants to plan long-term for the future you'll be there financially to assist her. Make sure she feels welcome to bring the "young man" to your home for dinner, family gatherings, etc - but if you have guidelines for overnight visitors make sure she knows what they are ahead of time. You can easily say "you know we're old fashioned" or "conservative christians, jews, etc." so "when 'Tom' comes for the holiday weekend we'll have the spare bedroom ready for him to stay in."

I really think we encourage our kids to stay child-like for way too long - paying for off campus apartments and furniture, etc. giving them free reign when they come home as if we're running a hotel - but not charging for it. You'll do your duaghter a huge favor if you allow her to be truly independent and learn financial responsibility. Hopefully she'll learn how tough it is to have a nice standard of living based on a hourly wage paid to a HS graduate without a college degree and she'll change her mind in a few months. She need to learn how to delay gratification - like we all hed to once upon a time. This shouldn't hurt her long term - but expect that it will cause a temporary rift. But I really think that it's the right thing to do - if communicated properly, in love.

Goodluck mama - it's not easy this parenting stuff is it?

6 moms found this helpful

My answer is not to you so much (I think you're doing the right thing) but to those responders who say they "don't get it." Maybe this makes it clearer:

Moving in with a boyfriend is a statement that "I am an adult." A real adult does not depend on Mommy and Daddy to pay their bills. A real adult is in a financial position to deal with the prospect of a child, which is a real possibility when two heterosexual adults are sharing the same bed, no matter how careful they say they are about birth control. A real adult has a job OR the maturity to put fun things on hold until they get a job.

There are times when parents, out of love, chip in to help an adult child with a major purchase, like a house or a car. These are one-time things, they are gifts, and that's not the same as footing the car payment or a cellphone bill.

Anybody still not get it?

5 moms found this helpful

Hi S.,

It's hard to tell if you are doing the correct thing... we are missing some important information.

1. What communication have you had about where she would live before she moved in with her boyfriend?
2. Did she know that you were helping her out financially, but there were controlling strings and if she made a decision that you didn't like you would no longer help her out?
3. You said you 'helped' buy a car - how much $ did she invest in the car? If you take the car back, you would technically 'owe' her the money she put in or she would need to 'buy' out your share and keep the car. I'm not sure you can tell her the money she put into it will be held for college tuition if that was not the deal up front - that's not fair...
Also - you said it was with the agreement she would pay you back - did you set up terms for how the payback would go - how much by what date? You should give her the chance to meet the original terms before you take it back and keep her money.
4. Why don't you know if she will finish this semester? the semester is over within a couple weeks at most colleges - why would she not finish a couple more weeks.... what else is going on?
5. Would she have the same consequences if she moved in with 'roommates'.... is it just the guy? Or is it that she wants to move out.

I guess my question would be.... is this a big enough deal that you are willing to risk losing your daughter? When you become 'offensive' they become 'defensive' - it's the nature of how it works with kids.
So you have made a move to 'cut her off'. What that does is make her stick it out with this guy, because you have put her in 'defensive mode'. If he's not the right guy you have put her in a position where she has to back him or she looks like a goof. yep, she's 18, but that's not really all that old. I'm not saying you should be taken for a ride, but it's not clear what your relationship is with her boyfriend and/or if there was any communication about all this stuff ahead of time.

If this is the lesson you want to teach her then I say you are doing the correct thing. But what will taking back her car and cutting off her phone teach her? It sounds almost like it's out of spite, not that you are saying - if you want to be an adult, you have to act like an adult which means you are responsible for yourself. That's a whole different message.

But I don't know the story, so that's just my $0.02.
B.

5 moms found this helpful

I was always taught that when I wanted to be "grown" that I would have to make choices and deal with those consequences without the aid of my parents. As long as I was being responsible and moving in an upward direction, my parents would be more than happy to help. As an adult, I now appreciate their advice and the wisdom they used in raising me. It doesn't mean I couldn't rely on them if I made mistakes. It just meant they were not going to facilitate my empty-headed dreams. I am now a parent, and it would break my heart if my children made choices that went against what we've taught them, or we believed were huge mistakes. But, it is their life to live and learn by. I believe we parents can only teach, provide, guide and correct. Once they are adults, they have choices to make, but we can make sure we don't become codependents or enablers to their negative choices. And, who knows? The mistake could turn out to be a benefit in the end, but there might be a lot of pain along the way. Offer love, but not an open wallet because that would be to your detriment, not hers. Grieve her choice, but then let it go. Be a shoulder when she needs to cry, but not an open wallet. Continue to give her advice, but not the benefits. You're making the best decision. That's what we grownups have to deal with, right?

4 moms found this helpful

I say Bravo and that is great parenting! My sister-in-law gave me the best parenting advice I think I have ever heard and what she told me was that usually the hardest decision is the right one. You are 100% doing the right thing.

Had to edit this after reading some other posts and I must say that I astounded. If your daughter wants to go and live on her own and do something it sounds like you don't agree with or want her to do then yes, you need to treat her as though she is this independent girl that she seems to want to be. I saw kudos for raising an "independent" daughter and yet how independent can she be when everything she has is from mommy and daddy? It's absurd. She has the allusion of independence.

I should say that I am NOT the parent of an 18-yr-old, but am more coming from the perspective of someone whose parents would have done the same exact thing that you are doing right now. I hated every minute of it, but even when I was going through things like you are talking about I knew that they were doing the right thing and I respected them because I knew where they stood. Eventually, I came around and I am a better person for it. My parents truly cut me off (in the financial sense) and it was the best thing they ever did for me. Guess what? I didn't die and I love them all the more for it.

You're instilling values in your daughter and who would you be if you let her do something that doesn't jive with what you actually value and still gave her financial support. Even if the living with the boyfriend isn't the issue and it is just the issue of her not going to school and living up to your end of the bargain. You are the parent. That is life. If she had a job and they told her to be to work at 9 every day to get paid and she came in at 10 do you think that they are going to show any leniency? Absolutely not. Consequences hurt and if you don't teach her that she is going to have one great big shock when she gets out into the real world and finds that when an employer or a landlord or a bank that loaned her money for a car doesn't have any mercy when she doesn't live up to her end of the deal.

4 moms found this helpful

I too wonder your rationale.

You said that you would help her buy the car. She said that she would pay you back. Why does living with her boyfriend alter that agreement?

If you agreed to pay her cell phone bill, why would living with her boyfriend alter that agreement?

I am assuming that you are angry that she's living with someone so young, or living with someone before she's married. That's okay. It's your perogative to be upset about that. But unless you specifically told her that the car and the phone were deals subject to her going to college and/or "playing by your rules" I think it's really unfair of you to change the game without letting her have some input. I think it's totally reasonable to set new/different expectations, but it isn't reasonable to expect it to be "your way or the highway" for the rest of her life.

She's not "playing grown-up" at this point, she is a grown-up. But she's still one that needs guidance and help. Personally, I would much rather compromise with my kids than be right and risk our relationship. Figure out what your end goal is and if there's a way you can meet it together.

Good luck.

4 moms found this helpful

Well I agree with you. If she feels old enough to live with her boyfriend then she needs to take on ALL the goes with living on her own. No more free ride from Mommy and Daddy. My parents were like that. I mean if I was in a jam they would help out no problem. I got married pretty young (at 20) so to have a cell phone and a car me and my hubby paid for it. We both worked and went to school and held off having kids for a few years until we had a more stable income. I actually new couples that were still having their parents make their car payments and cell phone bill and I always thought that was crazy! I mean if your going to start living on your own then do that! Don't just play house while mom and dad foot the bill. So again I agree. This is a good way to teach her how to be independent.

4 moms found this helpful

I am confused too. Are you taking the car and cell phone because she moved in with the bf or because she isn't paying for them? If this is punishment for moving in with the boyfriend what is the aim in doing this? I moved in with my now husband when I was 19. My parents were less then pleased and made that clear. However they were also helping me pay for school at the time and continued to do so as long as I paid them the agreed upon amount each month. When I decided I didn't want to finish they stopped paying and were not happy about that either. I was then told I would need to pay them back the money they paid out in as per our agreement (if I didn't finish school I would owe them the money they spent) which I eventually did. If she is keeping her part of the bargain it seems only fair that you should as well. If she isn't then the bf has nothing to do with it and when you explain the reasoning behind taking back the car leave him out of it. As for the cell phone if you didn't have an agreement and she isn't paying for it then take it back or cancel her line. School is something that she needs to decide on for herself though because once they get to be college age you can't really force them to go and it doesn't benefit anyone to do so anyway. If the boyfriend is a separate argument then keep him separate though because as in all matters of the heart you can't force her to change her feelings. Good luck.

4 moms found this helpful

My boyfriend and I got pregnant young, and our parents helped us out a lot. They both said they knew life would be stressful enough as young parents. So, while we grew up and starting paying for our stuff ourselves, my hubby's parents didn't take him off their cell plan for a few years. It cost them about $10 a month, and it would have cost too much for him to be on my plan for us to keep his phone. We really had nothing. We really appreciated the help from both sets of parents, and we helped them in other ways. (Carpooling when they had to take theirs to the shop, doing yardwork, etc.) I think this really depends on what type of relationship you have. If you do these things is that going to be like cutting her off without warning, or did she know? If things don't work out with this guy does she have the option of coming home (not just in words, but will she really be accepted as a child who made a mistake-b/c all children do that. I'm a parent and I still do that!)? Have you given her the option of paying back the car? If she's willing to do that, it's not fair to just take it back-that wasn't part of the agreement. Also, "Merry Christmas you now no longer have a phone" seems a bit out of the holiday spirit. But if this is something you know is coming, when the contract is going to be renewed anyways, etc, that's no big deal. I think the big issue is are you doing this to punish or because she wants to be an adult. I know my adult parents still get advice from their parents, so let's not pretend that adults don't ever need parents. When there were surgeries, etc, when my cousins and I were younger, my grandparents would help out. When I have to take one child to the hospital, my parents will watch the other. Being an adult doesn't mean being cut off in my family. If you're doing it for punishment, it seems like your motives are wrong. If it's just the way your family is, and she understands that, then there shouldn't be an issue. However, you not being sure makes me wonder if this is really between your husband and your daughter, and you feel you have to choose between loyalty and love to one or the other. Maybe you could extend the time for the car and phone by 6 months? It's just 6 months, and in a weak economy that's not long. But, it might help her get a job so she can pay you back. Or it might teach her that she's not ready to be on her own, and she should get back to school pronto. If you can help your child succeed, then why not do it? And if you're stuck between cutting her off completely and completely supporting her, why can't you find a compromise? I don't know what may have happened up to this point, so maybe you've given chance after chance after chance and she's got to learn responsibility. But if you can help her succeed and be supportive and if she can still come back and trust you to help guide her, why wouldn't you?

3 moms found this helpful

It doesn't matter where she is living, she is still your daughter. She is an adult and you can't make her do anything by trying to make her feel bad about living somewhere else. If you have an agreement about the car then you should honor that agreement as long as she lives up to the conditions. If you see that she is starting to run up a huge bill then put the phone in her name, otherwise how will she get a job.

How do you expect her to work without transportation. Is this your way of helping he fail as an adult? So she'll have no options except to move back home?

3 moms found this helpful

I think your husband is doing the right thing. If you are old enough to play house, you have to be responsible. If she continues going to college then that is different, but no college, no job, and a boyfriend at a dead end job. I would not fund that either. I would always be there for my child with love, and emotional support but I would not fund a downward spiral in her life. I think you guys are doing the exact right thing. If she wants to work and just make her way in the world, she needs to see what that is actually like without a buffer to see if she really wants that life. Good luck, I am sure it is very difficult to watch. When my three year old has a bad day it breaks my heart, so I am sure this is very hard to watch. Best wishes and have a great holiday:D

3 moms found this helpful

I am shocked and saddened by some of the responses I see on here. No wonder we have a whole generation of kids who are so selfish and think they don't have to work for anything. You are doing the right thing. She wants to be an adult, then be an adult. I'm not saying you can't help her emotionally or even financially from time to time but to be on the hook for monthly car payments and cell phone payments? No. I think you should have a calm, rational conversation with her. Tell her you wish she would stay in school but that she is an adult and, as such, you must respect her decision. But she also has to accept yours which is you are no longer paying her way. Calm but firm.

3 moms found this helpful

I agree that it's probably a good idea, for her to pay for her own things. However, I don't agree with the manner in which you chose to approach this. It doesn't sound like you're taking these things away, because she is an adult. It doesn't sound like you are trying to teach her how to be one. It sounds like you are upset about her doing something you don't like, so now your going to take things away...so she won't do it anymore. That WON"T work...EVER. If you react to her decisions (again...good or bad) like a child, she will learn nothing. You can't teach her maturity, if you're acting immature.

I'm not saying I wouldn't be upset, if my child moved in with a significant other, at 18. I would express my concerns and disappointment. However, she is 18. She is an adult. You can't control her choices, or living situations, anymore. If you try, she will resent you. You have to let her live her life and make her own choices...good or bad. You don't have to apporve, or be mute about it. However, you can't try to always stop a choice, that you simply don't like. She does not live under your roof anymore. That means, she can choose what roof she does live under.

3 moms found this helpful

If she is still going to school why take these things away. I think as long as she continues to go to school and looks for a job there is no reason to take things away from her. That will make it more difficult to continue to go to school and then she may drop out. Is he a bad guy, does he treat her bad? If not I think you may be a bit harsh on taking all these things from her.

2 moms found this helpful

Understandably, you don't like her choices, but this choice is going to turn out 1 of two ways: 1.) this guy is the best thing that ever happened to her and they live happily ever after; 2.) the relationship crashes and burns and she will be devastated and without much options because she didn't finish college. What will NOT happen is that you express your disapproval in a thousand ways and she changes her mind. She's 18, she's a young adult, she made an adult decision. Treat her like an adult child, give her support, because if you don't, she won't come to you to share her joy if the relationship works out or to be picked up and dusted off if it doesn't.

2 moms found this helpful

Ouch going through some similar things with a twenty year old son (no girlfriend, just took off after we told him we don't like him partying and coming home at two and three in the morning). He up and quit his job. We asked someone if he could stay with him and we planned to escort him for a couple of weeks to live near his brother and a friend. Well, he left lock, stock and barrell so to speak, has a phone in our name ( conveniently put internet on it a little bit before that) and has our/his car. We insure it and it is in our name. He did get work, two jobs actually, never calls us back like ever (I think about twice in the 6 weeks or so that he's been gone) never texts, cut me off of Facebook, so all I do is worry a lot. He however seems to use this for other people. So we think we will at least suspend it soon, sign over the car to him and he can up his insurance however he wants. In being kind to our children I believe we overhelped and they do not understand what it is like to survive. I can empathize. I am worried about my son, he is in another state and I want to have some sort of fictitious contact with him which is why I keep the phone (and the cancellation fee is $200 dollars). ON the other hand I was a wreck before, awake a lot, and now am sleeping a little better. but I want to hear from him. He had two years to save, save, save and buy a new car, he quit college classes and while we were patient I think time should be up soon to do everything for him. I'd like more feedback, too. In your case she is younger and you might be able to do something to influence her. Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

I know you already got a bunch of responses (of which I did not read) but I just want to say that if she believes she is old enough to live on her own, then she should do that - totally on her own, meaning no help from you or your husband. She will learn :) Good luck to you!

2 moms found this helpful

I was 18 when I moved in with my boyfriend. My parents didn't help us with anything. We each bought our own vehicles, payed the mortgage, ect....we did just fine. We got married, decided to have a child and I became a stay at home mom. Not everyone is ment for college and a big career. Nothing could ever make me happier than waking up to my sons smiling face everyday, So our decision was best for us.....My parents wern't thrilled at first, but wouldn't change anything now. We are very blessed and have been married almost 5 years. She is an adult now and will make her own decisions.....help is nice her and there, but she shouldn't have to depend on it. Good luck to you :)

2 moms found this helpful

Sounds good to me. You had an agreement. I'd let her buy her own car and pay for her own college. My son is 17 and my husband has expectations on him. I felt it was too much with trying to finish HS but my son is doing great! Good luck!

2 moms found this helpful

By moving out of your home and in with a man, your daughter is telling you that she is independent and does not need your assistance. I would surely cut off the cell phone, they should be able to get their own plan. Has she made any payments on the car? If not, then the car is yours to do what you want with it. Maybe you could giver her six months to find a job and a used car before you took it back.

2 moms found this helpful

I was 22 and in college, and had a boyfriend move in with me. My dad and stepmom had been sending me some money about once a month, but when they learned that my boyfriend had moved in, the money stopped coming with no explanation. I knew why it happened, and I was okay with it. I enjoyed the money while they sent it, but if they felt my decision to live with my boyfriend was wrong and didn't want to support it, so be it.

That being said, if what you really want is for her to reconsider her living arrangement, why not talk to her about it? Tell her why you think it's not a good idea, maybe offer her some alternatives if you can. She may or may not listen; but at least you'll be able to say you tried.

2 moms found this helpful

My suggestion is not to push too hard. I would keep the phone on until the plan ends. You will have control of that and have communication with her. As far as the car, just as long as she helps pay, let her keep it but she would be responsible for her car insurance. Do not push her away and become soley dependent on her boyfriend that may be one that hopefully you will regret. Be supportive but do not compromise your integrity. I know I have been down that ugly road.

2 moms found this helpful

Kudos to you for raising an independent daughter. Hopefully you have instilled in her the wisdom needed to survive on her own financially. It almost sounds as if your husband is punishing her for wanting to be on her own. I'm not sure if it is a morals issue since she moved in with a boyfriend. Have you given her the chance to make payments on the car or to pay the cell phone bill she is responsible for? I would hope you would be supportive of her endeavors to be an adult and I'm not purely speaking of money. Once she's moved out she needs to support herself for sure but it sounds as if your husband is trying to make it more difficult. If her car is taken, is it still feasible in your area for her to get to a job? If your daughter is a good person with a good head on her shoulders she will get through with or without your help but every kid needs their parents love and emotional support.

2 moms found this helpful

if she is old enough to move in with a boyfriend, then she is old enough to pay her own bills. if you coddle her at 18 you will be expected to coddle her at 40
K. h.
as long as her situation doesnt turn dire, i say let her pay her own bills

2 moms found this helpful

it sounds to me as if you are motivated more from anger and a need to punish her for going against your advice than any desire to 'help her' grow up.
your deal with her about the car was that she would pay you back, not anything about moving out. i would absolutely discuss repayment terms with her, but based on her prospects for getting a job and setting up a payment plan, not as a kneejerk 'you disobeyed us! take THAT!' deal.
i would let her keep the phone on your plan so she can take advantage of the savings, but have her pay you for it each month.
how can she get a job if you yank back the car?
why does moving in with the boy mean she's quitting school?
she's 18. treat her with respect. that doesn't mean you have to foot her bills, but you are reacting here as if she were a disobedient child.
that never ends well.
khairete
S.

2 moms found this helpful

Well is her moving away saving you all money?
Did she mention whether she plans on continuing with school? Are you all willing to continue to pay the tuition part if she lives away? Has she been paying her bills on time?

If you feel she was under the impression that she HAD to live with you while attending college, then I can understand you doing all of this.. If there was not an agreement to this, I think you may want to revisit all of this.

If she is mature enough, to pay for her car as agreed, take over her part of the cell phone , continue through college and her boyfriend is ok with paying the rent and food for the 2 of them.. Then you and your husband need to decide if you can handle this emotionally.

My husband and I moved in together when we were barely 19.. we then got married when we were 20 , because we loved each other and his parents gave us such a bad time about "living" together", even though we both had jobs, cars, and going to school.. Once we got married we quit college because his parents said they would no longer pay for him to attend. .. I think we would have stayed in school if we had not gotten married. once we were married we wanted a house.. Which we purchased a few years later by saving.. We were then married 10 years until we had a child..

1 mom found this helpful

i think as long as shes going to college and making good grades i would let her still use the car and phone. think of it as if she were living in the dorms not at her boyfriends. i'm thinking that's whats bothering you more not that she moved out. my parents didnt want me to have a job in high school or college because they thought i should be studying...many years after college to pay things back. dont make it harder on her that could also make her not do well in school. i'm thinking you are hurt and trying to hurt her by taking things from her but that ony causes more harm. just wait and see what grades she gets before you punish her for nothing.

1 mom found this helpful

It's easier to set a deadline and follow through with your decision than to make a hasty one that you may not be able to keep. First, you've explained why you've had to make the decision and given her the opportunity to take responsibility. Second, you've given her a deadline that would encourage her to follow through. I'm in a similar situation with the car and cell phone thing. We've deactivated the phone (simple to do) and reactivated when the payment comes forth. I to deal with the guilt of "what happens if they don't have their phone and something happens....." or they can't look for a job with out a car. That means she may even move back home. But once they know this is a concern that plays on our emotion, WA-LA they use it against us. This is only in my particular situation, and I'd encourage you to make a decision that you can stand by. I would gaurentee that there are plenty other parents in the same situation asking the same thing. I say take it all away and let them stand on they own. She's 18 and wouldn't hesitate to remind you of that. Also where theres a will there's a way. YOU'RE A GREAT PARENT! If you don't then you'll find yourself down the road with resentment and frustration and your daughter is still irresponsible. Have a blessed holiday.

1 mom found this helpful

This is a tough one...on the one hand, not finishing school is not a smart thing to do. But, you don't want to push her away either, since she can only go in other direction - to her boyfriend. If you get rid of the car and phone, she will rely on her boyfriend to help her. This is not what you want her to do.

I would suggest this -- she is an adult now, so she can make a choice. Her choice is...stay in school, and you will continue to pay her cell phone bill until she graduates. Perhaps, to ensure that she focuses on school as much as possible - you may want to lay off on holding her accountable for the car bills until she is done with her schooling, at which point she can pay you back in full or take on the remaining payments if there are any.

If she does NOT stay in school -- refuse to finance her cell phone bill and require that she get a job to cover her expenses. Maybe, again, hold off on her car debt so that she can feel some pressure of having to be financially independent without a college degree -- but with enough wiggle room so that she can freely explore the option of returning to school without feeling like she must work to support herself fully, you know? Perhaps give her 6 months or so of "wiggle room," and is she is still insistent on not staying in school, cut her off financially for good.

Unfortunately, at 18 years old, you cannot force her to do anything she does not want to do. The boyfirend living situation, aside from telling her clearly that youy don't endorse this, after that, the more you belabor the issue, the more she will be drawn to her boyfriend. Keep reminding her to use her birth control and allow her to explore openly with you, in discusion, potential consequences to living together, such as accumulation of unwanted debt, more intense relationship drama, pregnancy, even little issues that for an 18 yr old can be a big deal (always having to share a bathroom, living with a "less than clean" boyfriend, having no independence to go and come as you please, etc. Give her the freedom to make her own choices about the boyfriend living situation -- and choose to make no moves unless her boyfriend living situation ultimately leads to her quitting school or, if she stays, she is unfocused and her grades suffer. And, instead, focus on the more critical issue of doing whatever you can to keep her in school until she graduates, so that she can secure for herself a bright future. Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

I know when you first cradled your newborn daughter in your arms that your first wish was not-"I hope when you turn 18, you will be living with your boyfriend". Do what you have to do to facilitate school-if she needs a car to work and attend class-and a phone for security and so you can track her moves-don't take them back-this is hard-and believe me when I say-I feel your pain. God Bless.

1 mom found this helpful

if you don't agree with her decisions you have the right to "cut off" her financial support. i would've taken the car back the day she moved in and disconnected cell phone that same day but then again, i moved out when i was 17 to live with bf's gma, and even though I BOUGHT my car, because it was in my mom's name for insurance purposes, she kept that too because she could, i didn't get that thing back until i got pg with my daughter just a few months after getting married (2 years after moving out)...did i agree with her then? no, do i now? kind of..don't think she should've taken my car away that i paid for, but i see her motive now, and well, dont' really blame her, but i see my side to

1 mom found this helpful

If the agreement was that she stays in college and does well, how much does the boyfriend matter? After all, that was the agreement. Obviously, if she drops out, that's another story.

I do understand, I wouldn't be happy if this was my kid either. But if she kept up her end of the agreement, I'd keep up mine, even if I hated her other choices.

By the way, my mom was 17 when she married my dad (then 21). They aren't still together but they were married for 20+ years.

1 mom found this helpful

I think you're over reacting and that you may end up causing her to pull even further away from you. I don't know what you mean by she was still going to college- is she or isn't she? While I agree that she is too young to be living with a boyfriend, I think you would do better to sit down and talk the situation through with her than to take away her car and phone as punishments. It could back fire and make her more dependent on him.

1 mom found this helpful

Why is moving in with the boyfriend has to mean end of college and getting a job???? I do not get that....

1 mom found this helpful

I'm not one for living together before marriage, so ...

There is such a fine line between taking away the things now because she is out on her own and taking them away as punishment for disobeying or going against you. If she had decided to move into her own place with a roommate, would you be taking the stuff away? If she decides Jan. 31 to move back home, would you just hand her these things back?

You live in DC which has a thorough transportation system, so she doesn't NEED a car around here. As for the cell phone, you are in the right. There are 'pay as you go' plans w/ no contracts that she can get if she really wants a cell phone.

Required Fields

Our records show that we already have a Mamapedia or Mamasource account created for you under the email address you entered.

Please enter your Mamapedia or Mamasource password to continue signing in.

Required Fields

, you’re almost done...

Since this is the first time you are logging in to Mamapedia with Facebook Connect, please provide the following information so you can participate in the Mamapedia community.

As a member, you’ll receive optional email newsletters and community updates sent to you from Mamapedia, and your email address will never be shared with third parties.

By clicking "Continue to Mamapedia", I agree to the Mamapedia Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy.