My 16 Year Old Daughter and 'Dating.'

Two words- "NO WAY". This young woman is just learning to date and the man she wants to date has at least 6 years experience on him. Not good odds. She needs to go on dates in groups, double dating etc. til she has had some experience with boys and being on her own with boys. Please say no. She needs a parent to tell her that.

When she's 21, 26 might not be too old. But at 16 a 5 year difference is WAY too much.

However, this is hard to handle. You don't want to drive her to this guy by telling her she absolutely cannot see him.

Explain to your daughter and your husband, it's just too big of a difference. He can vote, drink, and have sex legally. It's wonderful he sees your daughter as mature and interesting. However, at this time he is too old for her.

Also, think about the guy... if he touches your daughter, even if she wants him too, it is illegal and he can be convicted of a crime and marked a sexual predator for the rest of his life. He's 21, she's under-age, and charges can be pressed against him even if none of you want to file charges.

A 21 year old is not likley to be happy holding hands for very long.

Thanks for asking this question. I am now considering if I will let my almost 16 year old work.... yikes!

Just a quick personal story: I was 17 1/2 yrs old when I started seeing a 22 year old guy. It was the summer before my senior year, and of course, you know everything then! haha
I told my parents and they strictly forbid me to see him. It was a little confusing since my mom was 20 when she met & married my dad who was 25 at the time. Needless to say, the forbidding was a very bad idea. I asked if he could come to church, eat dinner with our family, etc. My father FORBID it. That guy found me as a challenge, well he found my dad as a challenge. We snuck around off and on for about a year and we saw each other all we wanted my freshman year in college. We go engaged. My dad still refused that we were engaged. He still refused to allow him in their home. So, we married. 18 months later we divorced.

My recommendation: Have him over, do family things, but I wouldn't be okay that they go out on dates together. It would be best that they not see each other, but you need to try and let them come to that conclusion on their own--probably his idea if he can't have her alone. I would make it very clear that you are not on board with this dating, but you will not forbid her to see him so long as he is in YOUR home or in YOUR prescence. You can then at least get a better feel for him. The forbidding thing simiply doesn't work. I would keep very close tabs on that work schedule of hers, too. I would ask that the manager mail you a copy of her schedule--not his, I doubt that is legal--just to do some checking on her. Or go by after she's supposed to get off work and see that she comes right home.

I think if I had that kind of allowance, he would have been bored to death hanging out with my parents like a teenager and would have waved me good bye before it got serious. That's just my guess.

I agree with the advice of the others and just wanted to add one more bit of information.

In Texas, your daughter is still considered a child under the law. A sexual relationship between a 21 year old and a 16 year old is illegal under Texas law, even if consensual, including oral sex. Please don't misunderstand, I am NOT saying that I assume the relationship would go there. I am just giving you another piece of information that I think is relevant.

Even though girls are typically more mature than their age and boys less so, there is still something a little off when a man who is old enough to do things like finish college, purchase alcohol, and vote is interested in a school age girl. I'm not saying he's a bad person, but he probably does not represent a good opportunity for a healthy relationship for your daughter.

My opinion is there is a huge difference in 16 and 21. Allowing her to actually date and be alone with a 21 year old puts your daughter in a position that she should not be in. You know better and she may not. There are many things I did at 21 that I did not even think about at 16.
Having said that, forbiding the relationship will only make it more interesting to her. Allowing froup situations will allow you daughter to see him, and he will probably get tired of never "being alone" with his "girlfriend.
What would a 21 year old want with a 16 year old anyway?

Hi Kelli,

I'm afraid I must agree with everyone else so far, this "man", and that's what he is, he is no longer a boy, is too old for your daughter right now. Like someone else said, he's old enough that he has to answer to no one so how is he going to handle a "girl" that still has homework, chores, and cerfews? My husband and I met when I was 16 and he was one month shy of 18, and to be honest, he wanted you know what and to be more honest, he got it because I would have done anything for him. Thank goodness we got married after high school, went to college and turned out ok (we've been married 17 years now) but I shudder to think of my daughter who will be 16 in 6 short years going out with a 21 year old man. It's a delicate situation because teenagers live in the here and now but maybe she can understand the importance of just keeping their relationship friendly and who knows, if they are still so drawn to each other in a couple years when she is done with school, then she would have your blessing. Best wishes, I know it's not easy having a daughter you want to protect so much.

UMM, NO!! I agree that 5 years may not be the worst thing, but 5 years at her age is a lifetime of maturity. The learning process that a 21 year old has gone through, a 16 yr old has just begun. They have more experience, are allowed to do things, not only drinking, but not answering to an adult, making their own decisions etc. I have a really hard time with the "Well it could be worse" comments. I mean really, yes, it could be worse, but the way it gets worse is when we start allowing things that we think should not happen, but dont want to put our foot down. I would not let my 16 year old date an 18 year old probably, so 21 would be out of the question! Even the best of young men have raging hormones and things can happen that she is not ready to deal with, nor would she possibly have the gumption to say no to. We have to protect our kids from decisions that they may later regret...when she is 21 and he is 26, I would agree that that is very different, but she has a lot of growing up to do first. Good luck, I am sure you feel like you are up against a wall here!! ~A.~

Hi Kelli,

When I was 16 I really wanted to date a boy that was 19 and my Mom said NO WAY! My Dad on the other hand was more like your husband and thought it wasn't that big of an age difference but boy was he wrong. I'm so glad I wasn't allowed to date him because he turned out to be a big jerk just looking to get some "you know what" from a 16 yr old. I never gave in to the pressure and we stopped talking as soon as he didn't get what he wanted. However, telling a 16 yr old she can not date someone is probably one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do as a parent. If she's really into this guy, she'll find her ways to make sure she can still see him so you have to really watch her close if you decide to tell her no.
16 and 21 is a very big age difference and like other moms said, Yes it's only 5 years but 5 years for a 16 and 21 yr old is a BIG difference.
He's an adult and she is not!

If it's hard for her to stay away from him then I would suggest maybe getting her a new job.
Young girls are pressured so easily especially by the older boys and she probably thinks its SO cool a 21 yr old likes her. He on the other hand is thinking how cool it is to date a young innocent 16 yr old! I wish your husband would support you more on this and it actually surprises me he's not. Dads are always the more stricter ones when it comes to the daughters. I think he needs to put his foot down and tell his daughter NO way is she going to date a 21 yr old man.
I wish you the best of luck and stay firm on your choices for her. She's too young to make them herself and I can say that because I learned the hard way. I ended up pregnant at the age of 17 and gave birth the month after I turned 18.
It was one of the hardest times in my life and also made me grow up really fast.
Take care and let us know how things go.

GOOD LUCK!

ABSOLUTELY NOT! They are in COMPLETE different places in their life and all that will come from that relationship is TROUBLE! He is at a very different time in his life - physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually, etc. She needs to date boys her own age. I would flat out say, "No, it is not appropriate for you to date a boy that age." I seriously question his reasons for wanting to date a 16 year old as well...seems like an easy target to me.

Heavens NO! He is out for one thing. I remember those days. Don't let her do this. She's way too young right now. She'll think she's "in love"....he'll think he's got a "sure thing"...ouch. Please, nip this in the bud. Right now, 5 years is a BIG deal...after she gets in her 20s, it's not such a big deal. But, there is a lot of growing up she still needs to do...save her innocense! God bless...

I say No No No No. He is much too old and will probably expect more from her than you want her to give. I know kids are doing things younger but you don't need anything to help it along. My rule was my daughter was not allowed to date anyone any more than 2 years old than her. The older she got the less strict that would be. Of course after they are 18 there isn't much you can do about what they do but guide them. so I say NO. Be strong.
Lonie

Hi Im a 20 yr old single mom

when i was 16 i wanted to date a man his age and my parents wouldnt allow it.

I was sneeky and still saw him anyways. eventually he got me into lots of troubel and i wish i would have listened to my parents. at the age of 16 its so hard to know that your parents are trying to help you not hurt you. i didnt listen instead the 21 yr old took advantage of me and used me in more ways than one.

Your daughter wont understand and it will break her heart but in the end not letting her date A MAN THAT IS LEGAL TO DRINK AND DO WHAT HE WANTS IS NOT APPROPRIATE FOR YOUR CHILD.

NO WAY NO WAY!

I would say he is WAY TOO old. He can drink, drive, gamble...anything. What priviledges does your daughter have? She will be too tempted. It's not that it's 5 yrs, it's the 5 yrs that it is...ex: 21 and 26 - no big deal, 11 and 16 - big deal, 16 and 21 - big deal. He's already done everything that she hasn't yet. He's allowed to do everything that she can't yet. Too many problems will arise...and not to offend, but what does a 21 yr old want with a 16 yr old? Anyway, good luck!!!

tough call. I know I dated guys WAY to old for me when I was younger and it hurt me more than it helped me. I would let her know that you are not open to the idea- think about it- the guys been out of high school for a couple years now- what does he want with a kid? Let him come over to meet you anyway- so it's not like your judging. Then just explain that not only is he of drinking age but that she will face times that he is going to do things that she can't do like the bar scene and even explain to her that she is not the first girl he has liked and that he may expect things out of her that girls at 21 may do that 16 year olds don't. I have yet to face this with my daughter, so I wish you the best of luck!

EDITED: I am clarifying my response so that people can focus on the question and the person asking it--rather than attacking what I said. I think 21 year olds need to date ADULTS and 16 yr olds need to be dating kids their own age. However, the question was asked and I was just responding with the fact that just bc he is older does not mean he is worse than if she were wanting to date a 16 year old who could be worse. This guy does need to chill bc she is under age--but that is not what was asked. You were asking from a parent's perspective I think. At least she came to you rather than keeping it from you. Anyway--Good luck in this situation and just pray about it. :) C.

I agree with some of the other posts. I am not a mother to a 16 yr old girl but I was one once. I think there is too big of an age difference. Maybe if she was 21 and he was 26 it wouldn't be a problem but alot of growth happens between the age of 16 and 21. I think he is probably on a different level. You are right to be concerned.

I will have to agree with all of the moms that say NO. She is still a virgin and has no knowledge of the carnal world. He on the other hand does. Present case would be Jaime Lynn Spears and her boyfriend and the pregnancy.

The chaperone idea is great that may make the boyfriend leave the "target" alone and seek another person. Be firm and express your concern with reverse pyschology as telling her not direct will make her want him more for all the wrong reasons. State it that you STRONGLY suggest that she seek a new male friend that is closer in age to her. Now remember that new person may be worse than the older one.

I do hope that you have a good communication relationship with your daughter and trust her. Please go over birth control and sexual pressures so that she has some idea of the world. If not, I know you will argue with me, put her on the pill. At least this way she will have one set of emotions to deal with and not two -- the act and then pregnancy. Remember, this is the time that many girls start trying their wings and expressing themselves I kind of call it the "preachers kids" when they get away from the strict control they run wild and do everything. Another example was a friend of mine both of her daughters went wild and did things they now regret (an early marriage to the wrong man - no kids and the other had a child and got married only to find out a year later that she didn't like and wanted to know why mom and dad didn't stop her). Good luck to you, keep strong. This too shall pass hopefully without any incidents.

I really cant give any advice, (since my girl is only 3) but here are my two cents. The age difference is 5, 6 years only, BUT you have to consider that the age difference between a 30 yr woman and a 35 yr man is NOT the same as a 16 and 21 year old. He may be a great guy, and all, but your daughter still has so much more to discover.

Good luck!

Such a difficult decision. In general, I say it's not the best idea. BUT my husband of six years and I started dating when I was 17 and he was 23. My parents met him before-hand and all worked out well (we married eight years later) but it all could've gone very wrong had my husband been a different person with less-than-ideal values. I agree with others that inviting him into your home and becoming comfy with him is important before your daughter and he begin spending time together alone. I wish the best for you and your daughter!

21 is way too old for a 16 year old. He's legally old enough to drink, not that I'm assuming he'll drink alcohol but just generally speaking. He's a guy and 98% of guys that age have one thing on their mind. It really doesn't matter how nice he is or seems to you. It's way too old. Express to her that she can date someone in high school, but even that can be problematic with sex and alcohol as well. I don't know your daughter and I'm not assuming the worse, but guys really are thinking of one thing only; at least that was my experience growing up, and I'm only 30. She may think that she's mature enough to handle herself, but please be a smart mom and don't allow them to date.

Hello Kelli
My 16 year old daughter and I read all the responses you received and talked about both of our experiences together and what we think hasn't been brought up yet. She is getting attention from a 19 year old currently and so this is very valid for us too.
1) Try to stay away from controlling and demanding behaviors from your daughter; instead, talk about yours and others experiences, memories and current emotions during similar situations.
2) Help her think through the situation by asking her questions about her motives and emotions and the young man's possible motives and emotions.
3) Ask her if she is willing to give up the experiences of her current age to start much older experiences? Why would she want to jump ahead? Is she not happy being who she is now? Explain that she can't go back and recapture the lost experiences. As an example, I got married before my senior year in high school and then moved and started a new school. Needless to say my senior year was not at all normal or fun. I didn't make friends: who wanted to hang with a married women? I didn't attend any school functions, not even graduation. I gave up a lot to be with an older man and live an older life...
4) Be sure to ask her why an older boy/man is appealing to her emotionally? What does she think will be different in the relationship and in her? Does she feel others will see her differently if she dates someone older? Mention that her friends may not really approve or understand due to fear, jealousy, etc. Does she feel the boys her age will think differently of her when they find out? What might they think? Maybe she could ask some of her age friends ahead of time. What have they said about others that dated much older boys/men? Ask her if any particular boy that she may like that is her age, would feel intimidated by her dating someone older, or maybe the opposite, feel that she is thus experienced and easier to score with? Is she wanting to deal with all the emotions stirred up by a decision to date someone older. Is it worth it to her?