My 15 Year Old Daughter

The best advice I can give is this. You have to be disappointed by peole before you can learn this lesson. I have learned to be interested in the people that are interested in me. We all chase people for friendships, relationships, social groups etc. But at the end of the day, it's only the friends and family we can call at 3 AM for help that matter. It's hard for adult women to understand this and I've seen so many women who are smart in business be dumb in love. But if she can learn to value the people who value her now, this experience will be a great lesson for her. Best of luck.

Dear L.,
Unconditional love is always the answer with teens!

We all make mistakes all throughout our lives and the goal is to learn from them and move on. You can not live in the past. I know the past was just yesterday but the quicker your daughter realizes that you love her no matter what and that she is still pure and innocent, the better and stronger your relationship with your daughter will be.

Teach your daughter the difference between lust and love. Lust can imitate love, but only love is lasting. Hope this helps! Mary

The 'good news' - because your daughter does feel horrible, she's not likely to make this mistake twice! And your instinct, to be supportive of someone who understands that she made a mistake, is sound. Perspective for both of you - if this is the worst choice she makes in her life, she's doing better than most of us.

Her needs: yes, knowledge of contraception and disease prevention. Lots of support for and talking up of those goals - this is a good time for college visits, service hours, etc. Engagement in hobbies that will build confidence and self-esteem. Encourage her to pick a project (Girl Scout badges, maybe even a Gold Award, martial arts training (I recommend to-shin-do), math club. The first has the advantage of getting her in an achievement environment that does not require contact with boys. The second two have the advantage that she will learn how to interact competitively with boys, and they'll be less intimidating. If she does find an 'interest' he is more likely to be a young man with his own goals that he doesn't want to throw away, and the attraction will have a basis in mutual achievements and ambitions. In other words, through activities she's more likely to meet the sort of young men who are worthy of her interest.

I feel bad for you both. The sad thing is, it's hard for teenagers to let go, especially of their "first" because they are very idealistic still at this age. It's harder still when that person just keeps coming back, like this guy sounds like he's doing. I thought my first boyfriend was all that, though he would only give a relationship on his terms. Then I met my husband in college, and boy, my ex looked like a selfish jerkoff (was, I should say) in comparison. Thank God I never made him my first!

I think the first thing you should do to help your daughter understand the importance of sound decision making is to take her to your gyn/ob. Since she is now considered sexually active, she should have a full exam, with all the checks for STDs. The doctor can talk to her about the importance of birth control, and that pills will not stop STDs. They can even graphically described symptoms of and treatment, which may make her step back from wanting to have sex again. There's a new show on tv, "Baby Borrowers". I'd have her watch that too, so she could she what would happen if she did get pregnant. I would also talk honestly with her about what what happen if she did. Would you allow her to drop-out? Would you be willing to raise her baby so she could continue her education, or would you expect her to give her baby up? Do you agree or disagree with abortion?

It's really really hard for hormone-ridden teenagers to think IN THE MOMENT, but hopefully if you introduce this subject, she'll think on it and make good choices the next time she's put in this situation. She still has several years left of being a teenager, and I don't think young adults are the best thinkers yet either, as they lack life experience and the maturity that comes from it.

I agree with the other moms that say she needs a hobby or similiar. She needs to be kept busy. She could meet new people with her interests. She should be honing her skills to prepare her for college or potential scholarships, which are getting harder and harder to get now. I think maybe you should also start talking about what is acceptable for her in regards to dating. My parents didn't allow me to date. I was only allowed to go in groups. There is far less potential for them to get themselves into trouble, if there's a large group of friends around them.

I hope you get lots of valuable advice. Good luck!

The most important thing is to make sure that she knows that you are not disapointed in her. That you still love and trust her. You want her to feel like she can come and talk to you in the future. Keep the lines of communication open. Build her confidance and self esteem. Good Luck.

Hi L.,
I have a 14-year-old girl and really feel for you. Don't have much advice, but hope to see what others say. Do you pray? That's all I can think of that would help me in your position. We want to protect our kids so much and it's so hard...so hard to be a mother, and to be a teenage girl. We're so vulnerable.
good luck,
L.

We all make mistakes and we all fall short of God. She just needs love and support from her mother so that she can make better choices. She needs to be educated about sex and babies and told that she made a bad choice and she needs to ask for forgiveness and move on.

Educate her about STDs and pregnancy (by all means take her to a doctor who will go over her birth control options and talk to her about/test her for STDs), encourage her to go out and do things that she enjoys and talk to her about what her goals are for the future and how she plans on accomplishing them.
I think back to my relationship with my mother when I was a teenager and where things really fell apart was when sex entered the picture. I lost my virginity young to an older guy who was definitely a player. We broke up not long after but, maybe because I hadn't expected much out of the relationship, it wasn't a particularly traumatic experience until my mother found out several weeks later. She cried on and off for the better part of a week, moped around the house and subjected me to frequent updates on her lack of sleep, her inability to concentrate at work and her complete and total disappointment. She was a basket case. While it did nothing to discourage me from having sex (with that same guy even) her reaction did cause me to avoid discussing sex and relationships with her ever again. Even now, fourteen years later, I'm still hurt and disappointed that she reacted the way she did.
Just be kind to her and try to keep your own feelings out of it, even though the choice she made isn't one you would have made for her. Don't coddle her but tell her you understand that her feelings are hurt and because you love her you wish that they weren't. She'll pull through, most of us do. I had a LOT of crummy boyfriends who broke my heart and even some nice ones that STILL broke my heart. Eventually I decided on my own that I wasn't going to have sex with anyone unless it really felt worth it, which didn't necessarily mean a long term committed relationship. I wish that my mother would have told me that while sex is complicated and can be dangerous but it can also be really enjoyable. That the trick is knowing yourself and what you want, making good choices to keep yourself safe, emotionally and physically, and being strong enough to make it through when someone breaks your heart.

It's so hard to have a child not take your advice and then get hurt. I would suggest a few things:

1. Take her to the doctor to get tested for STDs. Have the doctor talk to her about safe sex. She needs to hear it from someone outside her family.

2. Get her involved in esteeem building activities...sports, hobbies, crafts, etc. She needs to build her self-esteem. Get your husband involved with her.

3. Talk to her A LOT. Make sure she feels LOVED. Your husband really needs to get involved in this even more than you. Girls get their self-esteem from their father's love more than any place else. The talks should be low key. Maybe while driving around or while playing a game. They shouldn't be "Let's sit down and have a talk." That's too confrontational. Don't lecture her. Just talk to her about how to pick a guy, why guys are players, how guys will say anything to get them in bed, why waiting is better, your own life experiences, etc. Just general conversations about the topics...not "Here's where you went wrong."

My daughters and I talk about these kinds of things very often. They may still fall for a guy's line someday, but at least they have a chance to see it for what it is.

Good luck. I'm sure she'll be fine. Help her learn from this and get stronger from it.

B.

My heart goes out to you! You know she's feeling lower than whale poop and there is not alot you or she can do to change the past. Focus on the future, try not to dwell on your disappointment. Encourage her to look to the future and be independent,to make plans, short and long term. Help her facilitate acheiving those goals. Keeping a journal helps to reflect on the past and visually see your progress.
And, of course, if you haven't had the "birds and the bees" discussion, this would be the opportune time to bring concerns to the table. If she's big enough to have sex, she's big enough to have a conversation about the consequences.

L.,
My daughter is 15 too. I remeber being that age! It is really hard especially these days. I know I am not telling you something you already know. Guiding teenagers and watching them make mistakes with the decsions that they make is prob. one of the hardest things as a parent. It is important I think that you did the right thing about not condoning (I hope I spelled that right) what she did. But one of the most important things you can do is sympathize a bit with her when she is hurt. Connecting to your child at this age is a bit differnt then when they were 3 and snuggled with you on the couch to watch cartoons in the morning. But I know my kids still crave a hug from me once and a while. And spending some postive fun time together might help a bit. I know when I take the kids for an icecream at Dairy Queen we go through the drive through. Eat in the parking lot in the car. They are my catpative audience and they start talking to me about everything.
Yes you may want to consider counseling for yourself even you are needing someone to talk to about this.....????
Is your daughter involved in a youth group? We go to a fantastic church .....great youth group. The kids are allowed to be kids and have fun they do a ton of activities with the them. It keeps their minds on something else. I hope this helps. I know it is hard to be a parent in todays world. You care about your child! It shows! Your child knows this too. Believe me this too shall pass but meanwhile get with someone proffessional etc. You are a caring mom dont worry!
C. F.

Hi L.....sorry you're going through such a hard time with your daughter. I pray for guidance and patience on a daily basis. The teen years are challenging. Our kids are becoming young adults and we're the ones who have to let go and let them enter this stage in their life. Set boundaries/let them know what you expect of them. Trust them. Be consistent. I repeat this to myself all the time and try my best to live it. I hope it helps you.

I have very young children, so I don't think I can be particularly helpful in a direct way. But before I saw your note, I just read this article and I thought it was interesting how our own love lives may influence how we guide our children in matters of love and sex.

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB121434807055501441.html?m...#

It suggests "constant, warm oversight" over just setting dating rules, which teens are likely to blow off. Good luck! You'll get through this!

P.S. When I worked in advertising on a teen pregnancy prevention campaign, I remember a statistic that said most teens get pregnant after school when no parents are home. Indeed, kids involved in sports and clubs and stuff simply have less time to get into trouble.

Most of us mom's with teens have been there, At 15 you know it all and the more people talk down on a boyfriend choice, the more a girl is going to talk herself into seeing good in the guy.It took me years myself to start making good choices and I had been married and still chose losers. I finally learned. My daughter finally learned around 20 yrs old. You can't stop the hormone rages at 15 nor can you chose an apropriate boyfriend for her. That is her choice and hopefully she will learn as she grows older. Just keep her on the pill and reassure her that we all have been where she is now and as she grows up she will be able to evaluate a person for who they really are inside better than she can right now. She has not had enough experience in this world yet to think about these things seriously.Colledge will not stop a real relationship and when the time comes for her to go to one, if her boyfriend at the time is an honorable serious guy who really loves her, then it will last through school. If it doesn't then it wouldn't have lasted if she skipped colledge.

Hi L.;

I truly feel for you and your situation. I am not a mom of teenagers, mine are still little, but it hasn't been long since I was a teenager myself, and in the same shoes as your daughter. I think the most important thing right now is to just make sure you are there for her, when we grow up and start our own families, we tend to forget what it was like to be "that" age again, we only wish we could be "that" age again. I may only be 29, but I do know that "that" age was one of the hardest, and as a teenager, I remember how it seemed that I wanted to have that steady boyfriend so bad. The same thing that happened to your daughter happened to me, and probably to a lot of the moms here. We all make these mistakes, even as adults, we let our hearts tell us it's ok, and then we end up balled up in bed, with a box of tissue, and crying our eyes out. As a mother, the best thing you can do is instill the morals and ethics in your daughter that you want her to carry on, and just hope that she makes the right decision. It's so important that you help her, and let her know that she is not the only one that this has happened to, that it's not how she looks, but just that he's young too, and that means that he's not ready for a relationship, as much as she might want one with him. Just show her you care, and that you will be there for her, support her, and talk to her about school, and her dreams, don't forget that part of it, keep her dreams in her eyes so she doesn't forget what's important to herself. As for the way you are feeling, when I told my father I had lost my virginity, my mother lived in NY, so all I had was my dad, (I could talk to my mom on the phone, but I had to face my dad everyday), His face turned white, his jaw dropped, and he didn't speak a word to me for three weeks. I'll never forget that, because we were arguing, and I just blurted it out. The reason I'm telling you this is because I want you to know that you are not alone. We were all teens once, and most of us has been through this exact same situation, but as parents we forget, this makes it harder to express sympathy, or empathy, and we come to the point where we are our parents, worry weighs heavy, and we can't function because we feel like our parents did when we made bad decisions. These bad decisions are what taught us early on what decisions not to make when we get older. We can tell our children not to do something until we are blue in the face, but the lesson has to be learned on their own. You sound like a wonderful mother, and one would only be so lucky to have you in there lives, you are sympathetic to your daughters needs and her mistakes, and that is a quality so few possess. I think you should definitely find a councelor to speak with about these issues, talking it out with someone is the best medicine, but you need to calm down, your daughter sounds like such a smart person, and I'm sure as long as you keep her eyes open to her dreams and what she's always wanted, that she'll make the right decisions. But at this age, it is so important that you don't let her think for one second that her dreams are unacheivable, my father laughed at me and told me I could never do what I wanted to, I really took that to heart, so just make sure that you take her out, have some fun with her, do something that you two love to do together, find a hobby of hers that sounds like fun and do it with her, and make sure when you do you talk to her about her aspirations, and let her know that she can do anything she puts her mind to. I sincerely hope that this helps, sorry it's so long winded. You take care, and keep us posted on how everything is going.

Candi ;O)