My 14 Y/o Is Pregnant.

Ladies I am so dissapointed in us. Our sister asked for advice and not to be judged. I'm sitting here shaking my head at some of these responses. What does driving have to do with having sex???? I never knew you needed a car to have sex! I became active at a young age too (long before I could drive). Trust me sex doesn't require a driver's license. And it is not this mom's fault her daughter chose this route. I'm proud you have accepted the situation and are behind your daughter. A small shower for supportive family would be nice (parent's definitely wouldn't approve of their 14 year olds attending shower. I'm with you, family sticks together. If you can afford it and are willing, why would you give this baby away.

17 moms found this helpful

I am only mother to a toddler, but my sister had a baby as a teenager. I hear ya on the all walks of life point. My parents were great parents and my sister just wouldn't listen. I'm sorry if you've felt judged :(

This is what my parent's did. They did NOT have a baby shower. My parent's set up a registry for my sister (you can do this online and never have to enter the store!) and registered for all the things they knew they'd need. Bottles, clothing, diapers, stroller, etc. Them they allowed my sister to add a handful of things she wanted, or though the baby would need. Anyone who asked, was told about the registry and sent the gifts to the home. So, they got what they needed and my sister still received gifts for the baby. There was celebration in that, but not a party. They attended parenting classes with my sister. They also took her to a counselor, to help her prepare for the baby arriving and how different life would be. Also, the counselor counseled her on what could happen in the future. My parent's were raising the child, so she was counseled on how to handle "joint-parenting." They required my sister to get a job on the weekends. You can bag groceries at 14, here. 3/4 of that money went into an account for the baby. This money was put toward education funds, or emergency money if my parents needed it for the baby. The whole time my sister was under their roof 3/4 of her earned money went to the account. The other 1/4 was hers to keep. My niece is 12 and they still raise my niece with my (and my husband's) help.

PS.
Regarding custody, My parents did not seek legal custody until my sister was 18. She clearly was not going to raise this child, so they severed her rights and now have complete custody. I really think you should wait until your daughter is old enough to be a legal adult, to seek custody. My parents were my niece's guardians, until they sough custody. If my sister was dedicated to raising my niece they would have given guardianship and custody to my sister. She did not, so they moved forward to obtain legal custody.

15 moms found this helpful

I don't understand why people advise you to give the baby up for adoption...how do they know your family can't give her a loving environment and the same great chances in life that an adoptive family would give her? It sound to me like you are willing, ready and, most importantly, HAPPY to welcome this new life in your family. Ok, perhaps she is not coming expected and your daugther definitely needs some serious counseling, but in the end, a new life is about to be born and it should be celebrated. HOW, you ask. I say, keep a low profile, show your dignity and strong morals by creating great memories for this unborn grand-daughter (maybe a family-only baby shower?) and continue to be the great mom you are. Congratulations for making the best of a difficult situation!

12 moms found this helpful

No to the baby shower. This isn't a celebratory event. A 14 year old having a baby is NOT a good thing, and I don't care how you spin it. Baby showers and other "fun" things for pregnant teens signal to other teens that getting pregnant is a GREAT way to get attention and have fun. People should be "scared" to be happy for her. I'm not happy for her or any 14 year old who is becoming a parent.

As far as you thinking that people whose children have abortions or give their babies up for adoption aren't sticking together like a family, I know lots of women who have stuck by their daughters all the way to the abortion clinic and afterward and many who were in the delivery room when the baby was born and given up for adoption. Just because you're electing to raise your 14 year old's baby doesn't make you more of a family unit than anyone else.

You can celebrate the baby at her birthdays and on holidays and every day that she is loved and cared for. When she's old enough to ask, simply tell her that when teenagers have babies, they don't get showers and gifts and special photographs -those things are reserved for adults who wait to have children. You don't want her going out and doing the same thing!

12 moms found this helpful

Wow what a horrible situation you are in. I have a 15 year old and I am glad we are not facing this. You say you don't want to give the baby up for adoption because it is not the right choice for you. This is not about you, this is not about your daughter. This is about the unborn child and what is right for it. The absolute best thing for this baby is to be given up for adoption. You will be giving it the best chance at life.
No, you should not give her a shower. I would never let my daughter attend a shower for a 14 year old. This is not something that should be celebrated. She is 14 years old. She is a child. Celebrate this child's life by giving it the best chance possible to have a stable two parent household.

If you do decide to raise it at least force the father to pay child support.

L.

P.S. One question for you: how in the world did your 14 year old have sex? She can't drive, she should not have a boyfriend old enough to drive, she should never be left unattended with a boy, so where did she have sex? My 15 year old is not interested in boys at all but if she was we already have lots of ground rules and those rules do not include the birth control pill.

So, since you want to raise your grand-daughter I hope for her sake you do a better job when it comes to boys and sex or she will be a mom at 14 too.

11 moms found this helpful

please please please, let your daughter enjoy her pregnancy. i was 14 when i got pregnant i found out when i was in a detention center. later i was put in to foster care. i did not get to take pics of my belly, have a baby shower, ect. now my daughter is 3, she always asks about when she was in my belly, and i can tell her stories but i cannot physically show her pics. her baby book is incomplete because i have nothing to put in it. it is sad, i do not have these things to remember what it was like.

but i am now back at home no longer in foster care ect.

as for a baby shower, it is for the baby not for the mother, and just because her high school friends wont be there dont not mean a thing, invite your friends and family. cherish these moments because they could be gone in a blink of an eye.

as for thinking it is fun.... hahahaha i know that was not my mindset after i went in to preterm labor, the drs stopped it and i was on bed rest for 4 weeks, and i also had non stop contractions for those 4 weeks. i gave birth 3 1/2 weeks early to my baby girl kaydence. so after your daughter goes through all of this she will not even want to get dressed in the morning lol. and she will know that there is nothing fun about getting up every 2 hours to feed and change a baby.

as for these other mothers that are being negative, ignore them. you can for good advice, and adoption is not good advise since your daugther has already chosen to keep the little girl.

i did cyber school when my daughter was born, up till she was 2, then it got hard to handle, so i took a ged pre test. i scored collage levels so then i decided to drop out and get my ged i was then one year above my former high school class.

do not make your daughter go to a counselor she is going through enough, dont make her feel like she has issues by making her go. when the time comes for postpartum depression and she infact gets it, then take her to a counselor.

i wish you the best of luck.

a quote that i live by --- we may have met a little early, but that means we get to love each other longer. <3

10 moms found this helpful

I have 2 perspectives that may be helpful for you.

1) I am a product of teen pregnancy. My parents were 16 and 17 when I came into this world. My mom felt the same way regarding my dad being in the picture. I didn't have a real relationship with my dad until the year before I got married 11 years ago. The first time I called him "dad" I was 30 years old. He passed away from liver cancer 4 years ago. I wish my mom had gotten child support on my behalf because I lacked a lot of things that she couldn't afford. Thank God for his parents that were able to pitch in and help from time to time throughout my childhood. I wish my mom had given me his last name. Inviting his family to my wedding made for interesting wedding invitations. Basically, the decisions you, your daughter and the father make today will have long term affects for that future adult you'll be raising. You cannot force the father to do what he's not willing to do. But you can take the legal steps necessary to make sure he does what he's legally obligated to do.

2) The baby shower is for the baby, not celebration of the mom. Hence the name "baby shower". I have relatives who will feel the same way about showering an unwed mother. They won't show up or even send a gift. The focus is supposed to be on the baby and that baby has needs. Additionally, so do you; unless you have money for a crib, carseat, stroller, diapers, etc. No one could expect a 14 year old child to be able to provide all of these things for a baby. So my advice to those who take an issue with this, consider your own child and extend the same love you would want someone to extend to your daughter if the shoe were on the other foot.

10 moms found this helpful

1:) No shower........ After the baby is born (AND IF SHE IS STILL GOING TO KEEP HER), have a meet the baby party - FOR RELATIVES.!.

2:) Still have her talk to an adoption agency. She can get all the counseling and services she needs AND INFORMATION on adoption. THIS DOES NOT MEAN THAT SHE HAS TO GIVE THE BABY UP! But she will be armed with the knowledge she needs.

3:) SET UP GROUND RULES NOW! SHE will be doing night-time feedings. SHE will have to be home directly after school to take care of baby. (No more after school sports, games, parties! She will have to be a MOTHER!) She needs to get a part time job to help pay for the things a baby needs!

Perhaps you can get a hold of a "baby think it over" doll and have her take care of that for a week or two....... That will give her a RUDE awakening to what her future will be if she keeps the baby. And if she's all for it, OKAY! Let her be an adult. BUT TREAT HER LIKE ONE TOO!

4:) Get her into some parenting classes.

5:) Talk to the boys parents. They may still want to be involved and you will need to be okay with that. Dealing with minors, they still have rights too! And it's best that he pay child support unless his rights will be severed.....

I did daycare for 5 years and HALF of the children were adopted. The parents were SO GRATEFUL for the choice the mothers made. And those kids had GREAT homes with a LOVING CAPABLE FATHER AND MOTHER! And all the things they would need in life.

She (and you) need to consider what will be best for the baby as well. I know some 14 year olds. There is no way they could be CAPABLE single parents........ And sometimes, we don't get what we want in life. Sometimes the best choices are the hardest ones to make. She truly needs to consider what will be best for this little angel........

Good luck to your family.

9 moms found this helpful

You say you gave her every option and she chose to keep the baby. But you also say that "Abortion or adoption are just not the right choices for us.....We are a family and we will stick together like one. "

I sincerely hope your daughter has had the opportunity to talk to a UN-BIASED counselor who has the information she needs and will help her make a decision for herself, not a decision based on her parents feelings and beliefs.

I wish her well, I know from experience that it's not a fun position to be in.

9 moms found this helpful

Let me begin by saying that I would want my daughter to keep her child too (if she was in this situation). So I am not judging or critizing you, just asking for you think about one of the sentences you wrote because it made me sad.

It's fine that you decided to support your daughter as she chooses to keep her baby BUT please don't make a judgement call that people who choose to put their babies up for adoption don't stick together as a family.

I am adopted. I am proud to be adopted. I would love to say thank you to my birth mother for being brave enough to give me up ( I could never give up or abort a baby). It could not have been easy on her, making that decision; but I know in my heart that she wanted the best for me. I think it was her way of creating a family that would 'stick' together for me. My parents are in their 47th year of marriage.

So as you navigate the waters of what is right for your family, please don't step on the toes of those who chose a different path.

Now to answer your questions:
People should be scared to be happy for her. This isn't a 'happy' event. She has lost her childhood prematurely, you are going to 'parent' your grandchild, it will be a complicated road between the father even if he is not interested in being in the picture (I would imagine that child will want to know who his/her father is even if this event happens when they are 18).

Custody might be interesting. I know if one of my boys got a girl pregnant that I would help him fight for joint custody because as the paternal grandparents I would want to have a right to see my grandchild.

I would make sure that you speak and develop a relationship with the boy's family. I would try to make it a good relationship; regardless of what part they want to play, the opportunity should be presented to them.

I don't think you should have a baby shower. Even though I agree with you that every baby should be celebrated, a baby shower just doesn't sit right in my mind for a fourteen year old girl who got herself knocked up.

I think you need to speak with several people in the coming months. If I were in your shoes, I would speak with: her school(what are the ramifications for her education and what services will they provide?), her doctor (what are the physical dangers of someone getting pregnant so young and planning for birth control afterwards), a lawyer (since she is a minor herself; how does that all work; not to mention the potential custody issues , and a psychologist (this kid was in complete denial about her fertility and her actions; she may be 'happy' now but as all of her friends continue on doing age appropriate fun activities and she has to stay home or is not included; how is her psychy going to be?).

Good luck. I hope you don't think I am judgemental. The beauty of this site is that since I don't know you, I can be honest with my feedback to you. Hopefully my thoughts will help you as you and your daughter figure this all out.

9 moms found this helpful

Wow! It IS a hard situation. I would not, however, have a shower. I would accept gifts if others offered, but I would not treat this as a 'normal' situation, as it is not. She needs to give as much responsibility to this as she can. I would never allow her to be alone again. Ever. Not until she could move out.

You are right to grieve her childhood, it is gone. She didn't make a normal teenage mistake, she made an adult decision. Therefore she chose to be treated as an adult from now on. It is important for her to finish school, so help her do that.

While home, don't be her built in babysitter so that she can go and come as she pleases. Don't let her assume that you will always do this. She should be that baby's primary caretaker. This goes back to the not letting her be alone again. I live in a small town. Many girls here have more than one baby before they're out of high school, don't let this be her.

If you were my family though, I would give you a gift. I probably would not attend a shower though, as I think that is somewhat accepting what she did and showing other children who might be younger or the same age that it is acceptable.

She should be punished for her actions. First for having sex too young, second for lying when you were trying to be open and honest with her. Lastly she should be punished for not being safe when acting like a grown-up.

Please, please remember she is the mother. Teach her how to be one, but remind her she is too young to do this a second time until she is married and on her own.

You have a tough few years ahead of you, but if you set her straight now, and remember she is the mother, and VERY capable of doing this again, then you should be able to make this work. Make her stay so busy BEING the mom, that she learns her lessons, and wishes to wait until she is older to do this again.

I would not take custody away. She has a few years to learn how to do this right. Don't take that away from her. You are responsible for her for the next few years. This could very well help her grow up enough to do things right for her daughter by then. If not, seek custody at that time.

As for the father, I would not deny him or his family either. The baby has a right to know both families. Do his parents want nothing to do with her, or just him?

9 moms found this helpful

Hi K.,
I was once in your daughters shoes. It will be a hard walk for her but a rewarding one. Parenthood at any age is still something special and to be celebrated.
My Mother was and is wonderful but especially through that time. She allowed me to grow up and make the decisions that have shaped my life. You need to allow your daughter the room to be a mom. If she wants to keep the pregnancy and the baby then that is her choice it is not about you. Try not to underestimate her. She is old enough to make the decision to be a parent then you do not need to raise her baby. That would only set her up for failure and your relationship will be hurt. She will need all of your support.
My Mother allowed me to live with her and payed all of the household bills without requiring me to contribute. I took care of my son always got up with him, found and maintained childcare, stayed in school and had a part time job to pay for his specific needs (diapers, wipes clothing ect.). There are grants and programs for teen parents to attain affordable childcare look into the farmworkers, ywca they may be able to help her. I think that is the biggest gift my Mother gave to me, being allowed to make responsible choices that reflected the huge decision I made to keep and raise my son. Without her support it would have been so much more difficult and I would not have been able to enjoy him as much as I have.
Just so that you know her life is not over she has just chosen a different path. One that has all its own rewards, one you are partially familiar with! My son is now a wonderful responsible 15 year old, an honor student. We lived with my parents until he was 7 and I had graduated from college. There is light at the end of your tunnel just let your daughter be a well supported parent of her daughter. BTW have a shower and invite everyone a baby is to be celebrated it is not the pregnancy or your daughter it is the baby. A new life is always wonderful and deserves every sign of welcome! If someone does not want to come because of her age who cares it is their decision. Hope this was helpful.

8 moms found this helpful

I'm sorry, I don't have advice. I just wanted to offer my support, you sound like a wonderful mother and kudos for sticking together as a family, but I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. Good luck in the future.

7 moms found this helpful

what a difficult position to be in. i don't believe for a second that the best thing for this child, or your daughter, is to put the baby up for adoption - with a supportive family, why on earth should she do that? my mom always said, if we ever got pregnant we better NEVER get an abortion as long as there was breath in her body. same goes for placing a baby up for adoption. you are exactly right, family takes care of each other. and i don't think you're here to be told that your opinion is wrong. as someone whose life will absolutely be turned upside down, along with your daughter's, you definitely get a vote. and it is AWESOME that you are able and willing to help raise both of these girls, not turning your back on either of them.

having said that, do you really NEED a lot of things for this baby? (what, crib, carseat, clothes, diapers? we all know 99% of baby stuff is not NECESSARY, just the companies want us to think we have to have it!) if not, i would say skip the shower, quite honestly. what 14 year old wants to go to her schoolmate's baby shower (and like some other mom said, what mom would want their 14 year old to?). maybe a small one with a few older aunts and relatives. of course this baby will be welcomed and loved. at her first birthday throw a HUGE bash! but the pregnancy isn't really something i would feel like celebrating, either. and i bet your daughter doesn't feel like it either. have you talked to her about how she feels? it's coming up on garage sale season, maybe you can get by without a shower. just my thoughts. you are an awesome mom (and don't hit me - you'll be an amazing grandma too!)

7 moms found this helpful

it;s so sad that you asked for people not to be judgemental and that;s just what they did!!! I have never been in this situation but i like momma L's suggestion. You say that adoption and abortion are not an option, good because whatever decision you make is just that yours. I think the people on here that are encouraging those decisions are speaking on things that they have never had to experience and need to mind their business and watch their own kids and make sure they don;t have to make those decisions. you know that your daughter is going to need help and that you know it;s going to be you that has to do it! theywant to know how she got pregnant, it;s none of your their business, i would think she got pregnant just like everyone else has, HAVING SEX! doesn't matter when, how, why, it happened and it has to be dealt with.K Human beings find a way to do,get, sneak, whatever it is they trully want to do. So i think you made the right decision, i wish you and your daughter the best of luck. and i know that you will find your way in this! good luck!

7 moms found this helpful

I applaud you for standing by your daughter. You sound like a wonderful mother.

The point of a baby shower is to give the mom-to-be gifts to help lessen the financial burdon of a first baby. I don't see anything wrong with throwing her a small shower. I would make it a family only shower, and maybe one or two very close friends of your daughters. Why not let some people buy her gifts for the baby? I also feel every baby deserves to be celebrated. I say celebrate your grand daughter!

As far as custody, maybe see if you can get the dad to sign away his parental rights? If and only if he truely wants nothing to do with the baby. And some day if he does decide he wants to see her, I say work with him. Give him no reason to try to get custody.

Good luck to you and your daughter. God bless you for being so strong and level headed through this. You are a role model to the rest of us, in the fact that as mother's we stand by our children through thick and thin.

7 moms found this helpful

Good luck to you, you sound like you are a wonderful mother and you are absolutely right - this happens to a lot of people regardless of how they raised their child, how close they were to their child, their walk of life - you have not done anything wrong. More than 40 years ago, my sister got pregnant at 15 on the sofa of the rec room during the day and she was the biggest goodie 2 shoes you could ever know. There's a reason for everything and believe me, my niece (the baby) changed our lives in many ways, continues to be an inspiration to me today as she is such a kind and loving person and she now has two kids of her own who are wonderful little souls.

My advice is to do whatever you want as far as celebration. Have a shower. Have some fun. There is no reason to keep her in the dog house about this - there are unfortunately natural consequences and she will pay the price without you having to worry about whether it's wrong to celebrate. The birth of a baby is always a special miracle.

See both a lawyer and a counselor as far as decisions about the dad. I'll admit it is easier in a lot of respects to not have him involved. But whether it's easier on the child, I don't know. Plus remember there is another set of grandparents out there, too. I have a friend whose son denied paternity but my friend (paternal grandma) embraced the baby from the beginning and she is so thankful to the girl's parents for allowing her access to her grandchild.

Lastly, let her be a mother. Even though she is young, even though she will need lots of help, even though you will want to "normalize" things as much as possible for her at her young age, she is the mother of this child. In the long run, it is best for all relationships, including your granddaughter, if her mother mothers her. You sound like a strong, loving person - I wish you all the best.

7 moms found this helpful

Eventhough your daughter is only 14 yrs old, she should still have good memories associated with her pregnancy (like having a baby shower). I'm sure once she actually gives birth and has a few sleepless nights she will not be wanting to do it again anytime soon (I know thats how I was and I'm 29 yrs old. lol). My sister was 18 when she got pregnant, needless to say my parents were more than angry. My sister's college plans were put on hold indefinately and she is still living with them today (4 yrs later). And she had endured a lot of drama with her sons father and new girlfriend. BUUUUUUT all that being said, my nephew was one of the best things to happen to our family. He brings so much happiness to everyone, especially my parents.
Some lessons I learned from her situation that may help you are: use the mothers last name (unless they get married), if you don't want the father involved, don't put him on the birth certificate...if you do want him in the picture, make him be responsible from the very beginnng (child support, and have a visitation schedule drawn up and made official), as a grandparent be careful to not to do all the "dirty work" such as middle of the night feedings, diaper changes etc....It will not give your daughter a true picture of what parenting is . Also encourage her/make her finish high school and plan to either go to college or learn a trade.

I truly believe it is not what happens to you in life, it is how you handle it and the choices you make :) And you sound like a loving and understanding mother. She is very lucky to have you and your support!!

7 moms found this helpful

If I were a little baby about to be born, I'd wish that my birth mother of 14 would give me up for adoption to a home with a mom and a dad. If its really in your heart to keep the child in your family, consider adopting the baby from your daughter. Let her be "auntie" and give your daughter her childhood back. As for a shower, I just don't know. Big hug for you. Sorry life has thrown you a curve ball.

6 moms found this helpful

I wanted to say that I think your doing a wonderful job! Don't listen to the negative comments/unwanted remarks. No one knows how it feels or what they would do in this situation unless they experienced it. I agree with no abortion, killing God's creation is wrong and many people agree with such and them just bringing it up like it's just going to the store is morbid. If you both chose to keep the baby then I think you made a wise choice because you sound like a sweet loving mother that will love and care for that sweet baby.

I had gotten pregnant at the age of 15 and had my baby girl at 16. I am 29 years old now and my baby girl is now 13 years old. I was not the perfect parent but I still loved and cared for her. With a great mom like you on her side you can be a great teacher to her. Keep up the great work, God is on your side and He will guide your family.

Now onto your question. :) I think a nice baby shower would be good for her and the baby. I had one and it didn't give me any idea that me getting pregnant at a young age was ok. My mom invited my whole family and I even had my best friend there, it was at our church. It really helped a lot to get things for the baby. Now that she is pregnant, she just needs your support and you seem to be doing a great job at doing so! Enjoy your daughter and the pregnancy as she will look back and see that you were there for her in every way. I felt ashamed that I was pregnant at 15 and felt like a let down as well as embarrassed to be seen pregnant but my parents made me feel that I could do it and they supported me with all their hearts.

6 moms found this helpful

I totally 100% understand where your coming from i was 15 when i had my son. My mom wasn't like you though she kickd me out and hasn't spoke to me for years now. I'm proud that you stand by your daughter no matter what! Thats a mother to me i wish i had that same treatment. I would have a baby shower and everything for her. Because once the baby comes its going to open your daughters eyes. On how hard it is to take care of a baby losing sleep the crying shes in for it. Just make sure she does her part because no matter what this baby is coming into the world the best thing for you to do is teach her to be a good mother. Give her advise and the best helping hand in the world. She'll learn from her mistakes everybody does. With the father i would try to give it a chance its good to have both parents involved. If it dosen't work out at least you did your part and tried.God does things we don't understand why. I'm sure he did this for your daughter everything happens for a reason. God never makes wrong choices i no i put soo much faith into him i wish you happiness and the best for you & your family. God Bless you and have Faith God know's what he's doing!

6 moms found this helpful

I would not have a shower, rather wait and have a "sip & see" celebration after the baby is born. There are few things you actually need for when the baby comes home and they can be purchased second-hand, mostly.

As far as custody issues, you and your daughter need to consult a lawyer. If the father is also a minor, he may not be legally authorized to give up his parental rights without his own parents' involvement.

6 moms found this helpful

I am sure hoping that you have let the Dad's mom and dad know that they are going to be granparents. IF you did not then you will have that guilt to live with for the rest of your life. Not wanting their son to be a part of this baby's life is NO reason to deny them the right to. As a mom of boys I would be absolutely devastated if I was not told I had a grandchild.

If they don't want anything to do with it, then fine-at least you tried.

Jumping back in to say to you that you are a MUCH better person than all of these women who are trying to persuade you to have that baby killed in an abortion....and make NO mistake people-thats what it is. And your daughter is better than them too for not considering it. As scary as this is for all of you right now there will be a time that you will ask yourself how you ever could have imagined it any other way.

5 moms found this helpful

How about a "Welcome Baby" party instead of a shower if you're worried about the mixed message of congratulating her for having sex and hiding a pregnancy... If you wait until the baby is here, then the gifts are really for the BABY.

That said, no amount of scolding or non-celebration are going to change the situation, and no one wants the baby to end up feeling unwanted.

I'd say, support her through this, and then make sure she goes on birth control (something like the shot or an IUD that she can't forget to take).

Good luck,

T.

5 moms found this helpful

No to the baby shower. BUT I would not let her get off easy. You taking care of the baby right away will not teach her anything. I think you should let her spend at least a year, waking up at nights, taking care of the baby and doing all the mom stuff. you will provide her with a home and food, but that's about it. if she needs a year off school, so be it. After a year she will have learned her lesson that getting pregnant is the easiest part. Then comes the challenge. otherwise, a baby shower, you on duty 24/7 will not teach your daughter a thing. good luck

5 moms found this helpful

Hi K,

I want to start off by saying how happy and proud I am of you as a mother to be going through this with a strong head on your shoulders. This must be a very difficult time, and choosing to keep the baby is the right thing to do. That being said, I hope you are prepared to take care of this little one, because I don't think that a 14 y/o is ready, heck, even some 30 y/o are not ready.

I have never been in this situation, but my opinion would be NOT to have a baby shower. It's really not right for a bunch of 14 y/o to come to a party like that, they may begin to think how "cool" it is to be getting so much attention and in turn try to get pregnant.

I don't know what your plans are moving forward, but in my opinion I think the best thing for this baby is for you and your husband to legally adopt her and raise her. Your 14 y/o is so young, has all of high school and college. You and your husband would be able to give the baby the attention and stability she would need as a baby, child and young adult. Please just think about it.

5 moms found this helpful

WOW, big life issues you're dealing with here - I wish you the best and for some peace during this tumultuous time.

RE: the shower if you're to have one I would make it very small and only have a few aunts/ older women there. I don't want to hurt your feelings but as a mother of girls I would not want my child going to a baby shower for a 14 yo.

I have a cousin who got his girlfriend pregnant in HS as well as 2 who had children out of wedlock in college. In all three cases the parents were supportive BUT the kids have had to step up and raise the children. I agree with the posters who have said 1) support her enough so that she finishes her degree 2) make her responsible for night feedings, child care, etc. so that she really realizes what it is to be a mother. It's going to be a tough balance.

Lastly you mention that YOU don't want the father in the picture and it's really about what is best for the child.... and most studies say that a child is much better off when they have a mother and a father in their lives (grandparents are great - but not the 'real' thing).

Also, as someone who was adopted and who has 3 siblings, cousins as well as friends who were adopted, please don't shut the door on this yet. We've all had amazing lives and opportunities and not a day goes by that I'm not grateful to the woman who made such a hard decision and that I had a mother and father, brothers and sisters, stability, etc. At 14 it really is what is best for BOTH children involved to have a full life and the best start in life. Good luck to you on this journey.

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In some countries and cultures 14 is a perfectly acceptable age to be pregnant. Isn't that just odd?
I agree that you don't want to make this too joyous of an occasion because it is somewhat tragic at the same time.
I would take this opportunity to really "mother" her a lot, teach her many things she needs to know for when the baby comes. Consider yourself a teacher right now and you have less than 8 mos to clue her in on everything.
I wouldnt worry too much about the shower yet, it's so early in the game. Give the pregnancy time to gel with everyone and when she gets 6 or 7 mos along people will feel differently about it. Right now everyone is in a state of shock. You need to put a smile on your face and just say "God decided I needed a grandchild right now for some odd reason so here we are!" that will be the best way to face the naysayers. You need a good attitude and dont let your daughter be stressed out either. Get yourself in shape G. since you will be chasing a toddler around pretty soon!

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You must be hurting, and you may need some support yourself. Make sure you take care of yourself both physically and emotionally for the next 8 months to prepare for what is to come. I know I would not be able to do the things I did with my infants and toddlers now, just because I am older and my knees hurt when I kneel too long. I think it would be difficult for me after a night of no sleep and crying baby to be sweet to the daughter who handed me this situation. The future is not going to be so easy..... I also agree with other posters that if you truly want to give your daughter ALL the options, she needs to have the choice of adoption or abortion. It is HER life, not yours that is on the line. Like someone else said, she can get all the counseling and information and in the end decide not to give up the baby. There are also open adoptions where she would be able to know the parents and even choose from several sets of parents where she wants her baby to go. I would also make her tell me how/where/when/with who she got pregnant. Not that it would solve anything, but just so you know what situations to avoid in the future. Fourteen is so very young, and if you offered her the birth control option, you need to know what she was thinking to deny it. Or was this perhaps not consensual? How old is the dad? Lots of things to discuss with a counselor to get her ready for the very difficult life she has ahead of her, unless you take this load from her but then what prevents her from doing this again if there is no learning? Make sure to not be an enabler since this will not help her and only add more burden to you in the long run. Consider yourself hugged.

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Trust me, she is not going to think this is so much fun that she wants to do it again once she has the baby and realizes how hard it is, especially at 14 years old, wow I couldn't imagine. A baby shower is not a bad idea, but I would only invite close supportive family members. I really don't think her friends parents would be okay with them going to a baby shower or purchasing a gift for a baby of a 14 year old since I would have to figure it would be the parents buying the gift, not the friend. I think it's great that you are being so supportive, Good luck to you and your daughter!

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It is what it is and now she needs support. You can have a baby shower for her, if people dont think its right, then hopefully they wont come. I seriously doubt by being supportive, shes going to run out and do it again. I think the boys family should have a right to the baby as well, even if the boy doesnt want to. Keep in mind, this kid is very young, and immature, seriously, they are still yound KIDS. The baby deserves all the supportive family she can have. Good luck!

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Yes you should have a baby shower. This is a happy time for her along with confusing, overwhelming (SP) etc.. You sound like a wonderful supportive mother and as mothers thats all we can be. We try to give our children the best but in the end it is really up to them. Your daughter soon will be a mother and knowing you are there for her will mean everything. I am always grateful my children are not drug addicts, into booze or pregnant but I also know that can change in a heartbeat.

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((HUGS)). I think I would do exactly what you are doing. I am pro-life and I could not imagine giving my grandchild up for adoption. Yes, you will probably do the majority of the work, but you can't expect a 14 year old to raise a child--you've already realized that.
I do agree that the baby should be celebrated. The child did not choose to come into the world, however, I think a shower would be weird. I'm not sure if I'd let my 14 year old go to a baby shower for another 14 year old. I hope another mom can give you some ideas on this.
Best of luck! And, the only people that can "judge" are the ones who saved themselves for marriage and I'm guessing there aren't too many people in that category.

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Hi K.,
You certainly do not need to justify yourself on here and for what it is worth I think you sound like a wonderful mom and your daughter is very lucky to have you. You are so right... This can happen to anybody. So no judgement here!

My best friend got pregnant in HS. My mom let me throw a baby shower for her although my mom did all the work :) her mom did not participate in the shower and I just thought that was so sad. What is done is done and your daugter will soon enough see that her childhood is over when she is taking care of a baby when her friends are going to a dance or HS basketball game. This little girl she is carrying was meant to be and I believe should be celebrated. So have the shower and continue doing what you are doing in terms of supporting her. She has a hard enough road ahead of her and this event will give not only her a happy memory but someday the baby will know she was still very much wanted and loved despite your daugter's young age.
Blessings to you and your family!

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I haven't read all the responses. Your daughter is lucky to have you, even if she doesn't really recognize that to the fullest yet. Think about what helping your daughter means to you and be clear what you will do or not do. You could take over raising the child totally to kicking her out to raise the child herself. (I am only pointing out the spectrum of choices, not suggesting you kick her out). Her life will be very different with a child than it would have been if she was older. You can't change that. Young mothers often become socially isolated. They can't just go out like their peers, unless you are willing to care for your granddaughter whenever your daughter wants. Start having conversations with her about what you can do for her, your expectations of her, etc. Girls who have children this early often have a second child before they are 18. Something to think about. How would you want to handle that? Talk about it now. As for the father. The hospital may feel the need to call CPS. The age difference is on the edge of being too great. The boys parents may want to deny he is the father and make your daughter prove it. If she puts his name on the birth certificate, then he has rights and responsibilities. Check into the different options and what they mean. So a thought out decision can be made. As for a baby shower - I think a small baby shower is appropriate. It is to celebrate the birth of the baby! All the best to you, your daughter, and granddaughter!

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It depends. Who will be attending the shower? Other girls her age from school? No, I would not allow that, they have so much pressure already and think glamorizing babies and teen pregnancy as so cute.

Truly, it's reinforcing poor behavior and so many people will chime in and say, "it's meant to be", "congrats!", "what a blessing!".

I would maybe do a "Welcome the baby" little shower, after the child has arrived in which people could bring gifts and have a happy time, but I would not celebrate the pregnancy in any way, not condemn her either though.

I do think she needs parenting classes and professional emotional support so all of the burden won't be on you.

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I am so sorry about the judgmental answers!! I thought the perfect one was in heaven but I guess there are a few others. I know I have gotten kicked around by life several times and I have gotten the opportunity to grow and learn from the trials. I just want to say you are a wonderful mother and support is what is needed here. The baby is here and how you handle things now benefit the baby.

I think a shower for close friends and family would be in order. She will have your grandbaby. I would however notify the grandparents on the other side and let them make the choice whether they want to be involved or not. If not then I would get a lawyer involved and see if you and your husband can adopt the baby. Your daughter made a mistake but her life does not have to end. The baby needs a mommy and a daddy and you guys sound like you would be perfect. I think that stretch marks, a hurting back, uncomfortable sleeping, and enlarged breasts and belly will give your daughter a different outlook on life. Your daughter should continue with counseling and be able to grow and learn from this experience.

Just a thing to add - I had the privledge of meeting another woman this summer who got pregnant at 13 and was forced to get married at 14. This woman never graduated from high school, has a very negative outlook on life, and she is raising her daughters in a very low income situation. Her whole life was shot down by one mistake and I think this is very sad. I want to commend you for giving your daughter and baby a very positive chance to become prosperous. My daughter is 20 and my son is 16 so I know teenagers are tough. People who say they are perfect, have perfect kids who make perfect choices, and have perfect lives are just trying to cover up all the skeletons in their closets.

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if you really want the father out of the picture, either do not put his name on the birth certificate, or have a lawyer draw up some papers for him to sign relinquishing his parental rights, otherwise he may try to come into the picture later. My husbands step sister is dealing with this right now trying to gain custody of her granddaughter.

It's ok for people to be happy for her, but she really needs to take some responsibility, such as getting a job to help pay for her baby. It's great that you and her dad are willing to help her, especially since with a baby, it's going to be harder statistically for her to finish school, although it may make it easier for her to get financial aide for college. You should make her do the majority of child care if possible, diaper changes, getting up in the middle of the night, etc. It is her baby, her responsibility, and while you should make it easier on her, you shouldn't make it so easy that it seems like it was a great idea and her friends want to do it too. Unfortunately, teen pregnancy is contagious.

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what a wonderful mom your are! your daughter WILL be a great mother too if she learns from you! lets face it young girls dont always have the support of family, and i think its wonderful you are standing by her *HUGS* i agree with alot of the other postings about letting her enjoy her pregnancy, and let her have a shower. may God bless you and your family

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Hi ,

I haven't read the other posts but wanted to offer my advice. First, it sounds like you are a great mom-you are right, it could happen to anyone! I would give yourself time and your daughter time to grieve the loss of her childhood. Next I would embrace this pregnancy and absolutely give her a baby shower! She is going to need all the help she can get as well as you!!! I really think she won't feel like its so much fun after she learns a bit about parenting and being a mommy. Take some classes together- is the father involved? Make sure you get child support taken care of and figure out custody arrangements if he is in the child's life---speak with the other parents as well so you are all on the same page. Please, keep your head up high and know its not your fault----Best wishes to your expanding family!

M

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My main suggestion is to get your daughter into parenting classes. I also suggest she continue to get counseling. My husband and I were 30 when we had our daughter and I had studied early child hood development and worked in the daycare industry and we were stressed, exhausted and totally overwhelmed at some points with an infant.

Just yesterday, one of my husbands coworkers, was supposed to watch her 7 week old grandchild, but she was needed at work (it snowed here)so she left the baby with the father.. She could not get a hold of her daughter.. He beat that baby to death yesterday.

He told the police, he just could not handle the crying.. she had heard this from her own young daughter, that is why she tries to take care of the baby..

I tell you this because, this is not unusual. Children having children with support is great, but having parenting classes is education that is invaluable.. Lots of conversations about different situations need to be discussed. Not to frighten her, but so that she can fall back on the practical options in situations that come up with infants.

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It really sounds like you are stepping up to the plate in such a challenging situation. Boy, in this day and age you are so right about any of us being in this situation. I also hear you about grieving the loss of your daughters childhood. I know of a few women who were Moms young. One challenge that will come later is when they are in their 20s and realize they missed something pretty substantial growing up. That is when it can be rough for Mom and kids and may require help/counseling at that point too. Also, it may be just the situation but the two women that come to mind had more than one child young so something to possibly think about. All the best to you and your family! So glad to see other practical advice already and hope it continues that way.

Just wanted to add this about the comment regarding more than one child.....I saw a pattern there and really don't know why it is this way for these ladies, just possibly something to look out for talk to the counselor about? I don't think by any means anything suggested or that you are doing (supporting her) would result in that.

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I'm so sorry you're going through this! Faith is a great name, I hope your daughter does use that name. God is always faithful and will help you both get through this and be stronger, better people through it.
My advice would be to not throw a shower. Take her to the store and help her get things she will need, ask family if they would like to help provide needed items, but no party.
Consult a family law attorney as soon as you can. You want to get child support set up and help your daughter to get full custody of her daughter so the father can't pull any "surprises".

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you are doing a great job...Please read it all, i know its long!

let me tell you something, your support will make ALL the difference....

I got pregnant before i was married, im not a teenager but I was and still am, my parents little girl, i was 24 with 2 college degrees a steady job (with a terrible salary) and a steady relationship of 4 years, with the man that is now my husband...i ha an "ideal" scenario comparing to you girl...

but when i found out i was pregnant....my world felt apart...i was not ready for this, i wanted to do more...i felt my life was over...and the one thing that really helped me, was having my mom's support...the exact moment she hugged me and told me it was fine that it would be ok...i knew it would...so trust me, this must be hard for your child....her situation is way harder than mine...and she will need all the support you, your family and her close friends can give her....throw her a party, help her financially and do the best to love her and your granddaughter no matter what...God knows how much you and her can handle....and this baby, is a blessing he is here for something.....

I believe my baby saved me....when i got pregnant i was dealing with anorexia nervosa for the second time in my life, i was struggling with depression and an anxiety disorder....i was on hefty medication for all of this....and i was not myself anymore....and my baby came to save me..i believe, and my mom did too that he was God's way of setting things right with me....Since i found about my pregnancy im able to live free of medications for him, I take better care of myself for him....I deal with all my "demonds" because of him, because he needs a sane mom....and because my love for him is bigger than anything I ever knew....

And I love my mom more with every day that passes by.....She is my best friend.....and i love her for being happy and supportive when even i couldn't be happy...there were moments of my pregnancy that i wish i would lost the child....but then my mom appeared and kissed my belly and said things like...grandma is crazy for you and i already love you....and she did everything better....so celebrate! she is not sick! shes got a blessing for all of you....

be there for her...show her how to be a god mom as you are....and trust me, she will not make this "mistake" again....babies are a great work...i had a baby nurse helping me and my husband the first 4 months....and still it was hard! but it gets better and its worth it.....

best of lucks....

ps. dont thinks it was your fault for the birth control think....i was on birth control....im a control freak and i never forgot 1 pill in years.....and i got pregnant....my little boy was a miracle gift for me and my family.....no matter what it was God's will to bring him with me!

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Kudos for embracing this event. You sound like my Mom,she always told us girls if we were to have a baby at a very young age we would stick together and make it work. This will be a lifechanging event for the whole family. Your daughter will have a very rocky road ahead of her. Before you think about a shower you need to make sure what her school options are. How long she can time off for the baby, see if homeschooling is possible. Besides all your love and support she will need a good education so she will be able to provide for herself and the child. As far as the dad goes, he has rights and obligations. You may not like him being there, but he has a right to see the child and has the obligation to pay support. All that has to be talked about with all parties envolved. Not a pretty topic but it has to be done. For now I wish your daughter a good pregnancy and easy delivery

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I am so sorry I do not have advice just a few comments. First of all good luck to all of you. I feel you are a making good choices so far. God bless all of you. My dad was like you the family will stick together. I was 26 when I got pregnant (single mom). I lived on my own. I told my parents I was pregnant, they right away asked me to move back home. No big deal right? (Well my parents made some bad financial choices so we were never rich) My parents owned a bakery, upstairs was a 2 bedroom apartment, living there was: my mom, dad, sister, her son, and my youngest sister, still my parents said I could move back home, I did. NOW living there was: all of the above plus me. In august of 1987 I gave birth to the most fantastic son. (I am truely blessesd) so here is another human being in this 2 bedroom house. (Sorry soooo long) Well we saved up enough money to get a bigger place to live, my parents sold the bakery. We all moved into a 4 bedroom home. Then my baby sister got pregnant, in this 4 bedroom house (a ranch home) there were 8 people living ther. Very cramped, but we made it we have a very close tight knitt family, we all live within 5 min. of each other. Today still living in the ranch home I bought from my mom (dad passed away 10 years ago 2/10/2001, miss him VERY much) is my husband and I, my mom, my nephew who is 25 single no children, my sister who has epilepsy, her husband who was abused as a child. Yes we have our days but we all love each other, and we are a FAMILY. So you see it never ends (LOL) but as a family if you stick together it works out. I am not saying it is or will be easy it just works out. I am so happy to hear you are going to help your daughter you are a wonderful mom. DO NOT BE ASHAMED of your daughters pregnancy.
good luck to all of you and YES throw her as baby shower if some guests you invite don't belive in what you are doing then don't show up. God bless you again and thank you for letting me share my story. You won't be sorry. P.S. my parents raised my nephew and my sister was 23 when she had my nephew. Today my family consists of 3 sisters 3 brother in laws, 5 nephews ages 27-15, 2 neices 18 years old and 6 years old, 5 great nephews ages 12-5, 2 great neices both 1 year olds few months age difference. So see the family grows because of love ans support. I am here to talk or write (as you can see) Thanks again, good luck. If you are in the Cleveland are GREAT hospital for single and young moms, Marymount in Garfiled. Please show your support towards your daughter, not meaning you approve but let her know you are there.

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I've never been in your situation, but I have to say that I applaud you for sticking by your daughter in this time in her life. I'm sure she is more than a little freaked out! It makes me so sad to see families turn their backs on their children because they got pregnant at a young age. Good for you Mama!
I would say, go ahead and have a baby shower for her. But maybe something small..and maybe just family? If I were in your place, I would definitely do what I could to help my daughter, but also make sure to give her enough space to raise her child herself. She will need lots of love, support and guidance (which sounds like she will def have!), to make it through this huge transition in her life. Good luck to you all!!

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It has happened, unfortunately, and you can't reverse it. Just make sure that she understands that ultimately SHE is responsible for the child. You will help as any Grandmother would, but don't make it an easy ride. Make her finish school, maybe even college or a trade! Make her watch/take care of the baby, even if it means she doesn't work! It is important for her to feel the full effects of her actions! Get her and the baby on Government programs to help, that's what they're for! Celebrate this baby, the baby did nothing wrong!

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Kudos to you and your hubby for sticking by your daughter. Did she make a bad choice? Yup absolutely BUT the fact remains a baby is now involved. All you can do is move forward. My girls are only 4 years old and 7 months old and I already could not imagine giving up one of their children for adoption when we are perfectly capable of giving this baby a wonderful life. Granted her age is a huge obstacle to overcome however it can be done. There are a lot on teen mothers out there raising their children on their own without the guidance/help/love/support of their own families and yet somehow they survive and many thrive to make a better life for themselves and their children. Is it an ideal situation...No, but none the less it's happening. I know a ton of women that are single mothers that are NOT qualified to be parents. Your daughter will have her parents to teach and guide her. I applaud your family's decision to work together to provide a stable home for this baby. I too think every birth should be celebrated. Perhaps have a "baby sprinkle" (small shower after baby arrives with just relatives and close family friends who are supportive of the situation.) The last thing you or your daughter needs is a bunch of people judging her and putting her down. I would check the local consignment shops for baby gear. They usually have a ton of decent baby gear cheap. I would not get a used car seat, there is no way to know if it's been in a prior accident. That's the one thing I would splurge full price on. I would enroll her in parenting classes as well as labor and delivery classes. Check your local hospital, most of them offer these classes for free. I would also make sure she handles the majority of the childcare. Obviously she will need to make daycare arrangements for school unless she plans on homeschooling. There is a fine line between being supportive and taking over. Make sure she is primary caregiver and is responsible for meeting her childs needs. I don't see anything wrong with her occasionally going out with friends but not on a weekly basis. Lets face it, I'm in my 40's and love my girls beyond words but sometimes I need a break too. I'd expect nothing less for your daughter. As far as the father goes, I would speak with his parents. They may not even know about the baby. Give them the opportunity to step up. If they do not then you know you've at least tried to do the right thing. You didn't mention his age but given your daughter is 14 I'm assuming he is around that age and therefore does not have an income for child support so that may be a mute point all together. Good Luck and God Bless.

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Sorry for the judgers, I guess they can't help themselves. I wouldn't mention anything about custody. You want to give your daughter the impression that this is her baby and you are fully expecting her to step up and take care of it. Or course you are there to help her out when she needs it but let her be in charge and assist her when she is overwhelmed. If all goes well you won't need custody but with her ODD that may not be the case. On the other hand it could change her more than you could imagine. I would have a shower with family much later, say early May. I would for sure have her take parenting classes now. Call your local United Way and get the name of an agency that does them. I would continue the counseling as she now has a lot more to stress about and she needs someone to talk to. I would also sign her up for birthing classes. I can assure you she has no idea what that involves. I would also reconsider your direction with the baby's dad. There are plenty of men that are horrible parteners but good fathers. It may be in the best interest of the baby to have her dad in her life if he has it together. Talk to his parents. They may want to be active grandparents like you plan to be. File for child support as soon as the baby is born. On the other extreme, it Texas it is a crime to have sex with a minor when you are 36 months older. If he is a really bad guy and you want to keep him away you could file charges on him. We don't know all the details to know if that is a good idea but somthing to think about. Good luck, it won't be easy but your daughter is very fortunate to have you right now.

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i would ask her if she wants to have a baby shower and if she does have her invite her friends that she know will support her and your family. also make sure that her school will be able to let her either do her school work at home for those 4-6 weeks sheis out of there after birth, if she is still in school then.

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Thank you for being such a supportive mom :)
It means a ton to have a mom that can be trusted.
Anyway I think that you should have a shower. Yes she is young but there is a reason to celebrate. A person is coming into this world! I'm one that thinks a positive attitude means alot in any situation. I agree that it's not what every mom wants to happen but like I said before it's now not about what everyone thinks or how it came to be. It's about a new life coming and a time to be excited and celebrate. No need to be hush about having joy and if not everyone shares this view then move past them and embrace this moment. I adopted two wonderful little boys and in spite of how they came into this world I believe that they where created by God with a purpose. No need for a child to carry the burden from the beginning of how and when they came here. That's not fair.
Best Regards,
C.

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Just wanted to express my support for your family! Sometimes the most challenging things in life turn out to be our biggest blessings. You sound more than capable of helping your daughter raise your granddaughter.

My parents dealt with my two brothers having their first children at age 18 and 19. Rushed weddings didn't make them any more adult and financially independent, and my parents stepped up and gave all the assistance they were able to. There were many challenges along the way - mental and physical health issues (one mom's), helping sons get jobs, providing many days and nights of babysitting, finding the difficult balance between offering help and advice and letting them figure life out by themselves. My brothers matured very fast and are now parents of five and three and grandparents of three and two.

I partially credit this happening when I was 17 to my waiting 'til 40 to have my daughter! Those struggling years seem far far in the past, now that I have a grown niece and nephew who are both college graduates, with professional careers, in stable relationships/marriage, and parents of three in the next generation of our family.

Good luck to you all in this journey. Trust your judgment and you will do well!

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I would personally have her do some babysitting to help her buy some necessities, and a baby shower for the baby after she is born. That way it's more about celebrating the baby and not the pregnancy. A lot of kids I know who were born to teenagers get the wrong message by default so you having a hand in raising her should help her!

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I would talk to the parents of the boy and if they agree he could go and sign away his parental rights. That way he would never have any legal rights to the child,nor would his parents. I wonder if they will try to take the baby, they could make him try just so they can have the baby as part of their family. I could not walk away from my grandchild anymore than you and they may feel that way too.

I was on a team in college for a grad student doing research into teen pregnancy in a small tiny town in Oklahoma and it's amazing how much these kids are out of touch with reality when it comes to making babies and sex. It's a hard road for her but you are right, you'll be raising that little girl.

If you are going to take the child and raise it as your own you can adopt the child from her and the father. You could just file for guardianship so you can legally sign papers for the child and have full legal rights to treat at the docs. enroll in child care, etc... We have legal guardianship of 2 out of 7 of my grandkids. We also go to a local Grandparents Raising Grandchildren group. It is awesome and we always have fun speakers and a group of really nice people who are taking on a second family. I recommend you find on and start going as soon as you can.

Good luck with the baby and I hope your daughter does well with the delivery and everything.

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If you can get him to waive his parental rights in exchange for not seeking child support, you will be better off. He has to get his own attorney, but you could offer to pay the bill for him AFTER he signs the papers and the waiting period has passed.

I personally did not attend any of my nieces 3 babyshowers by different, criminal type daddies. It hurt the relationship. I knew it would, but I could not sit there and celebrate it knowing the babies will be neglected and abused.
You seem like a healthier mom and like you will provide the right kind of support to the baby. Your daughter will have stability and a chance.
For this reason, I would have a lowkey shower.

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I don't think I would have a shower. There are plenty of places to buy good used things. I actually have a client in Fishers who has a high chair, exer-saucer, cradle and high chair that are in excellent shape. Go to Craigslist, etc. You CAN find things there.
I have a good friend whose granddaughter had a baby at 14 or 15. I'm sure she'd be more than happy to talk to you. She lives in Zionsville. Let me know.
I understand you not wanting to go the adoption route, but I think the BEST thing you can do is prepare her for all that she's going to have to sacrifice and endure. If she's making this choice then she HAS to realize that she's going to be sacrificing A LOT. You're right in "grieving her childhood". Just make sure SHE is the one who is taking all the responsiblity that she should. Not that grandparents can't help, but in many cases, by thinking they are helping, they are actually enabling them. Not being judgmental, just a note of caution and LOTS of observation in other circumstances.

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I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have 3 small daughters of my own and besides something tragic affecting their health .... this is one of my worst fears. As far as I can see you are handling this with grace and poise. Your daughter is a very very lucky girl to have you as a mother.

That being said .... a close friend of my sisters was pregnant when she was 17... just out of high school. At first the father wanted to be involved, then he didn't want to be involved, it was a mess. Anything you can do to avoid custody battles would be good. Keep in mind, the parents of the boy MAY not want him to sign away his parental rights. I would try to talk with them... but be prepared for accusations. Obviously I don't know them (or you) but not everyone would handle this situation as well as you are.

You are correct, because she is 14 you will be raising the child. However, please do not try to give her back her childhood by doing everything for her. I think one of the greatest things we can do for our children is teach them to deal with the consequences of their actions. She NEEDS to be there doing it with you. She needs to understand the sacrifices she will need to make for her child. Yes, you are making sacrifices too ... but don't let her off the hook. I hope that doesn't sound harsh. Obviously do what is best for the child...but keep your daughter right there in it all with you.

As far as a baby shower... that is tough. Obviously you're going to need some things. Who wouldn't. And, a baby IS cause for celebration even if the circumstances are not ideal. I know my sisters friend had a baby shower given by her family. I would say ... have one. Focus on celebrating the life of the child, NOT your daughters decision. Because, even though she is only 14 people should be excited about a new life. If people ask or question you ... just return their focus to the baby. Thank them for their concern, but let them know you are handling your daughter and the shower is about the new life.

Good luck. You sound like a strong woman and I'm sure everything will work out just fine. Your granddaughter will be blessed to have you in her life.

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First off good for you, for being a supportive mom and doing what moms should: Sticking by your kids thick and thin. Life gives us tough times, extremely tough times sometimes, and you are a truly loving person to support her. Its exactly what she needs to.
Because supporting her is supporting the baby.

I am so sorry to you for all the haters and judgental people out there. They should be ashamed of themselves for being heartless. So dont listen to a word they are saying because obviously they didnt heed your word of "dont critize or judge" Everything is always easier said then done for other people who dont know a thing about your situation or what it feels like to be you.

Just because your daughter made a mistake, and yes we all know it was a big one, doesnt mean that her mother shouldnt have faith in her that she can and will make a good mother herself. Im sure by now, and if not very soon will realize the importance of what has happend, and knows that its not going to be easy. That is why we have family, to stick by them no matter what happens, and to help out. And Yes I DO believe that this what families do and it DOES make you stronger and closer. Some families would opt out, and take the easy way out. Good for you for choosing the harder but right road.

Why should she give the baby for adoption? Who could love this baby more than a loving, caring, family with so many good people? You are doing the right thing by keeping her. If you can afford it, then by all means. No reason not to. And for abortion, how awful, that is so terrible, I honestly think that having that done instead of keeping the baby would be wayyyyy harder. You would be killing a life. God says: "Life in his eyes is precious" I dont think I could ever forgive myself if I ever did that.
So again good for you for keeping this baby safe.

As for counseling, if you and she feel it is best then by all means continue on. Parenting classes might be a good idea however, just to get the feel of things. Find her a young mommys group, they probably have them for teens, so that she can have friends that can understand her situation. She should have girls her own age to talk to. She shouldnt be completly isolated from the world. She just needs the right group that can be encouraging, supportive, and understanding of her.

YES to a baby shower. Just because she is young, doesnt mean she shouldnt enjoy this pregnancy, and all that goes with it. And why punish the baby for it too? Later on this baby is going to want to see some happiness from this experience and why shouldnt you make the best of it? Have it and invite, family, and her good, and close friends. Why shouldnt she have a few of her friends?

As for the dad, its a wonderful thing that he isnt involved. It would probably make things way more complicated, especially seeings how he is a bad and toxic person for her. Abusive at that. I would talk to his parents and if they want to be involved then fine, but I would get him to sign all his rights over to your daughter.

I dont believe, however like some are saying that you should "adopt" the baby yourself and have your daughter be the "auntie" What would that teach your daughter? That she can do such things and have no consequences at all? She needs to be an adult now, and be responsible.

You are a great mother in spite of all things, and you should feel proud of yourself for doing the right thing, and trying your best to navigate through tough waters. Always remember to be patient, and have faith that god will see you through and help you.

All my love and support coming your way. Best wishes to you and the family, and even though it may not be the way or time you wanted it to happen, congrats on the baby <3

2 moms found this helpful

Kudos to you. The shower will not hurt anything, you're right she doesn't need to have a sad, shameful pregnancy in any way. The only thing you will have to be careful of is your intention to "raise the baby for her because she' too young to understand how hard it will be" That is a huge difference form "supporting her while she raises the baby". Don't forget, through the ceturies, it was normal to have babies at 14, she is capable, that's why mother nature makes bodies that can procreate that young.

Don't forget that doing the difficult task of caring for a baby is a huge bonding mechanism and a way for your daughter to mature and feel proud and close to her daughter. If you take away that opportunity, you will be feeding her tendency to be oppositional and defiant through neglecting responisibilities and pulling pity parties etc.
She's a young mother. That's what she needs to be. Let her know you believe in her and expect her to live up to her choice in keeping the baby. You should support her in ways that are good for her, but don't take away her responsibility when the going gets tough. She'll resent you later, and her daughter will resent her for being a bad mom.

2 moms found this helpful

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I have a sixteen year old daughter who I worry about. As parents we try hard to instill good values into our children but they do have their own free will. It doesn't change the hurt and pain we feel for our kids when they go through difficult situations. I do believe this can happen to anyone. I became pregnant at 19 in college and I was not mature at all. My son is now almost 30 and it was hard on him. My parents helped me a lot but it did affect my relationship with my son as her got holder. My son had too many "parents". My three younger sisters also influenced him. I think because of all those people pulling on him that it affected the way he looked at things. He struggled in school and was diagnosed at one point with ADHD and anxiety disorder. Poor thing had too many bosses and when I got married 10 years later to a wonderful man he really struggled with our new family dynamics. Even today he does not have a good relationship with his 3 younger siblings. He's not mean to them he just never talks to them . So there's no relationship. I have a grandson by him but since he is out of state I never get to see him. I sometimes wonder if he would have been better off with an adopted family than with my crazy extended family.

1 mom found this helpful

i would have a shower this baby will still need things if u r worried about friends thinking its cool then maybe just family but if those friends stick around when the baby comes the will see its much more work then play it got pregnant at 17 and had a shower none of my friends got pregnant b/c i was you sound like you are going to be a great grandma you maybe will just need to discuss if you are going to be the main caregiver or just be there to help maybe babysit now and then i lived with my mom and i did everything my mom helped but i woke up in the middle of the night changed diapers gave baths ect. but i was a little older and could take my baby to his dr appt without my moms help so you will need to do somethings that she just cant butit doesnt mean the end of the world good luck to you and your daughter

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I have absolutely no advice. I am sorry you are all going through this, but good things do come out of bad things.

Even though she is so young, hopefully she will be a great mom (with your help and love she and the baby girl will do great :)

I know a girl who got pregnant right before she turned 15, and she is a really good mom. The best mom she can be for being so young.

I would definately do a babyshower! And I agree with you, just family and close adult friends. Maybe even her closest friends.

Good Luck to you and her!!

Edited: May 29th is a great day too :) Just sayin' lol ...To bad you didn't live closer, I have a few baby girl items I need to get rid of!

1 mom found this helpful

This happened to a close friend of mine when we were in HS...she was the same age. Her family was supportive as you are but choose not to 'celebrate' the birth. The girls and I that were close with her threw her a shower...or the best we could considering we knew nothing about it! That baby thrived and now just graduated from HS...good luck and god bless.

I would say no baby shower before, but perhaps a small one after baby is here with ONLY family members. I would definitely not include her friends since she is so young.