My 13 Year Old Son (HELP)

Hang in there T. I have a 13 year old son, and they can be moody. Is there anything your son is intrested in, like skateboarding, music or sports. My son and his buddies love skateboarding, so all of his friends skate at my house. They love it when I sit outside and watch them. Its my way of bonding with my son and his friends.

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Hello T.,

I completely understand how you feel. I am the mother of 23,16 and 5 year old girls. I am raising children in three different generations. Like I said I understand how you feel, but it will never be "even", you do what you can, the best you can. I will sometimes "kiddnap" one of the girls to do something I know they like or something they have been talking about. I just tell them to get into the van and we go. He might think it's fun to have a Mom who will go paintballing with him or to the batting cage. Then of course he can't be "blamed" because you "made" him go!!

Hold tight.
Peace and Grace to you and yours

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Hi T.,

First off, don't stress too hard about a teenager being moody. There's an old joke "teenagers are the reason some animals eat their young." This is a difficult time for them. (and you) They are becoming adults and it's a very scary process. Being male, it's hard for them to admit their fears about school and the future. I know this from experience. I currently have a 21 year old son and we are very, very close. We have always been close but we had a couple of years where he felt the need to "pull back" a little from Mom. What I did was make sure there was plenty of opportunities for him to open up. Asking him how his day was or what he learned in school was always limited to one word answers - "fine" and "nothing." So don't expect anything from those. I always made sure it was me picking him up from school or me taking him to soccer. This way I had a captive audience. I also engaged his friends in conversation. This let him know I cared about the people he cared about and if his friends could talk to me then he could too. Talk to him about your day also. Tell him about your accomplishes and stresses. When you treat him like an adult he'll respond. I always liked going up to my bedroom and turning on a movie (one of his favorites) and then having him join me. Even if he wasn't in the mood to talk before he would open up. I think because I wasn't looking directly at him expecting somthing. It was a non-threatening atmosphere. We were just two people talking. All of my friends wish they had the same relationship with their sons. Like I said, he's 21 and we're the best of friends. Good luck.

L. L

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Take a deep breath T., you can get through these times. My son who is now 14 is also doing what teenagers need to do to find some independence. On his 13th though we had a little back yard ceremony with just his dad and I and him. We both took some time to honor this time in his life. To recognize that it was a time of leaving some things behind and going toward his future as a man. A rite of passage celebration. I had writtin something and dad just spoke right from his heart. There was no right or wrong, just honesty. We also spoke of how we were there to guide him, not control him. That he needed to step forward into those shoes. We spoke of how our time together was going to go fast now, so let's try our best to appreciate each other and to support the family emotionally together. Now when we have situations come up, we have a place to go to remind him of our commentment to each other as a family. Good luck. L.

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Thirteen is a tough age. I have two teenagers as well as a 4 year old, and it's especially hard to juggle not just three different personalities but the big age gap in general. Pre-teens and teens just pull away, in attempts to learn how to be their own person. They are no longer dependent on you in all the physical ways that babies, toddlers, and younger school age children are. They ARE, however, still emotionally dependent, maybe even more than a toddler or preschooler.

Find or make time to do special things with him, and let him help make the plans. Whether it's a trip to pick out a book or some clothes, or just a treat like an ice cream, make it something he has a hand in. Then he'll feel comfortable and perhaps open up and share some of his life with you. Also encourage dad time for him, so you both get special time with him. If he doesn't take the ball about doing something with you, pick a day and tell him about it in advance - and then spend that time. Just see where it goes, odds are he will enjoy it and want to do it again sometime.

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I would set up a "date night" with him. One day when he is in a decent mood, tell him to go get his calander and pick out a weekend afternoon or evening when the TWO of you came do something togehter and let him chose anything (maybe not a movie though). Try to do this regularly! Good luck. My two girls are 10 years apart in age and now are 21 and 11 years old so I understand your situation.

Yes, they really are separate worlds aren't they, and two completely different levels of mothering!

Great thing here is you have the connection of activity, heart and mind through the love and care of your littlest boy.
This is awesome!
Use and enjoy some shared play etc all 3 of you, maybe talk more about the younger one and the game (where possible more like 2 adults playing with a young one) than specifically what's up in school etc and let your 13 be who he is.
So long as he tells you where he is going and when he'll be back.

I doubt you are doing anything wrong, other than nagging maybe and clinging to the past.
Of course he's more interested in becoming a young man now - I know it's nuts but 13 is 13.
Doing stuff with Mommy will not be top of his list, but if you relax a bit he will reach next stage too.

You can show your respect for him, his choices and ideas and abilities with his brother and so on. Compliment him via the play. Add requests in this tone, don't nag, set aside a few mins alone to let him talk to you.
Play and have fun!

;-)

Hi. I have 4 sons ranging from 18 years old to 2. Being this age stinks (at least thats what my boys say!) I am very close to my boys, and I think I know why. I'm real with them. As much as I expect them to be open with me, I am also with them. They know more about me sometimes then I do. Also, I have tried to keep them in a setting that is more about God then our family. I have noticed that a lot of parents have trouble with either discipline or listening, and believe me when I say, if they don't feel like they can talk to you, they'll find someone they can talk to. Make it a point to talk to them daily, and if they get defensive, there's usually something else going on. If you've taught him right from wrong, and he has a good foundation, then don't worry. Tell him that you're concerned, but most of all you're hurt by the way he's acting. Also, you may want to get involved somewhere in his activities. This keeps him accountable and keeps you in the know at the same time. I hope this helps. God bless you all. Y.

Don't make him tell you that he needs time - he's a male AND he's 13...

Schedule a date night each week...and FORCE him to go and have a good time. He'll start to open up. Don't answer your cell while you are with him. Give him FULL attention and go go-karting, or something he wants to do.

My parents asked us 2 questions at dinner each night. The first time, my brother and I were like, "What? I'm not playing this game." But she asked every single night at the dinner table:

1) Tell me 3 things that happened today that were good, fun, or positive. (We HAD to come up with 3, which made us focus on the positive.)

2) Did anything happen today that you wished hadn't?

We started to talk and she didn't have to ask questions anymore - just those 2. It brought our family closer together.

One more thing that happened around the time I was 15 and my brother was 13, we went camping and my mom gave us a free pass to tell them anything we wanted to tell them and we wouldn't get in trouble. We tested the water with little things and eventually started dumping things. It was a great tool for opening communications even more. This is after years of dinner table communication as stated above.

You are straddling two worlds! I think you need to be the one to initiate mom and (older) son time. He's getting to be a little guy and he probably doesn't want to look like he NEEDS his mom - god forbid: ) If you're interested, there is a great book called "Real Boys." In order to connect w/ him, you need to DO something with him, depending what he likes. Girls talk, boys DO. Even if he does love his brother very much, he's had a very long time with just you and just you is probably what he is craving. He might be pushing you away to test you a bit, "do you love me like you always did or do you love the new boy more." He's probably not consciously doing this, but being human, jealousy is going to arise. You said he understands the attention the little one needs. Make sure the little one understands the attention the older one needs, as well. Let your older son hear you say that! He'll secretly love that.

J.

I wouldn't ask I would just tell him you have something planned with him on saturday, and take him to do somethimg he really enjoys just the two of you. make a day of it. I know he is a teenager but if you were close he will really enjoy a day out with mom alone.

Bin there done that. My son, now 19 had lots of problems with my "over bearing ways" in junior high and high school. The bottom line for me, was that I had to know where he was, who he was with, and what he was doing each and every moment of his life. Luckily for me his friends parents were the same way. So they could call one another and complaine about how over pertective and useless these rules where. I remember being rather sad, sometimes mad about how little my son wanted to be with me. The good news is that it gets better. Just about a week ago, for the first time, he finially asked to do something with me. We went to the star trek exibition at the queen Mary. Amazing! If you can wait 6 years.

I would leave the little on with a sitter or Dad, and plan a special outing just you and your son do only together, he loves the baby, you have to admit the attention goes to the baby, and when you do pay attention to son its because he isn't doing something right.... don't wait for him to tell you he wants to go do something, make plans surprize him ... go to the movies, go to the go cart place, the arcade, what ever you have that is fun for you both, its an age thing most 13 yrs old are boring, all they want to do is mope around,
this will pass in about a yr ,,, hang in there

You are his parent and not his friend. Do what you think is right, not what will get YOU in his HIS good graces again. He's a child and you know better. There will be resentment, naturally, but when he's an adult, he'll understand. Don't worry about his moods.
You are doing the right thing. You decide. Period.
good luck

I totally understand what your going through. I have a 13 yr old daughter doing the same thing. I kind of just give her space and take it one day at a time. We fight a lot too. There are some issues that I don't back down from but from what I understand this is a phase, kind of like the terrible two's but only for teens. They will grow out of it but in the mean time. Just give them their space and let them know that you will always be there for them no matter what.

Hi T.,
I have a 16 yr old, 12, and 5, all boys. I had the same problem with my eldest. What I do now is find interest in what he's doing. Although I might not find it intersting at all. He is in a band and is obsessed with buying a new drum set for $3000! I try to shop with him online, listen to him play at home, etc. Keep in mind he is into heavy metal. Try to be patient and not judgemental. God be with you in this wonderful journey:)

HI T.,
I have two teenage daughters one 14 this month and one 17. I think many moms share your concern about the 13 year old. I have learned that it is their job to "act like teenagers" and begin to pull away and start making decisions on their own. Of course we know they are not yet ready but I am trying to just get through this time reinforcing respect, gratitude, appreciation and thoughtfulness. The good news is they do come back!! Hang in there and just keep loving him with all the questions and guidelines you have.

I tell my girls I don't care if you agree with me or like me, or heard it a million times...get ready to hear it a million and one!! S.

I completely understand where you are coming from. I also have a large gap in my childrens ages, and a similar feeling as to the relationship with the older sibling. Staying involved with your older child is extemely important, continue to ask the questions regarding school and friends. Make a date with your son, don't wait for him to come to you, you set the date and time for some special alone time. Remember for most of his life he was the center of your attention.
Teenagers are difficult, they are going through a lot of changes, trying to figure out who they are, looking for independance, etc. Our job is to raise them to be strong and independant and make good decisions. We need to let tem try those things out that we have taken so much effort into instilling in them.
At this same point in time it is painful for us as parents to deal with the negative responses directed at us. I try to show my daughter that sometimes her words are hurtful, and can she think of another way to let me know how she is feeling without hurting me. I also try to remember that home is where our childrens worst behaviors come out because they know they are safe and loved.

I went through the same kind of thing with my son at that age and well beyond. It took years before he forgave me for looking in his backpack when he was 14. The good news is that he turned out just fine and at 24 is getting his Ph.d.

As your son is probably not looking for ways to connect with you, so you might take the initiative.I suggest that you come up with specific things to do with him, such as a fun restaurant, a movie, bowling, the beach, etc. If you bring a friend or two of his along, you can get more of an idea of what he's up to without having to ask him. Even if he doesn't seem all that enthusiastic, in later years hopefully he'll remember fondly the times you went out together.

I'm not sure if there is an answer. I also have a 13 year old son who I use to be much closer to. He thinks everything his dad says is great, and everything I say is so "lame". I really don't have any answers, but I think all the qustions you have for him are great, I think it is a parents job to irritate their kids with questions. At lease he know you care. If I were you, I wouldn't wait for him to take you up on your offer to do something together, just schedule it. Do something that shows him you are not just a lame mom. Maybe you use to have a sport you really loved, share that with him. My son and I go bikeing together, just the two of us. I didn't really know that he liked going, but now he askes when we can go. Its just our thing, and that is when he will talk to me about what is going on in his world. When we get home things go back to business as usual. But thats Ok because I know it is his job as a teen to try to irritate me as much as he can.

im am so there with you, but trough in some teenage girl emotions in the mix. im a 35 yr old mom of a 14g, 12b and 3.5g. i so understand the 2 worlds. i used to tell people i was going through the terrible 2s and the teens all at once. YIKE. now we have made it through potty training and going through middle school.

my son and i kinda have the same thing going. and he is also the best big brother ever. he is quiet and i always offer to be there for him. tell him he can talk to me. i think we just need to keep telling them that. they are going through a lot and dealing with it in there own way. keep incouraging them and praising them. atleast they know we are there and i think that might be the most important in the long run.

good luck you arent alone!! S.

It's just his age, not anything you're doing wrong. He'll be moody and distant and grumpy (and tell you that everything you do is wrong) until his twenties. Then, one day, he will miraculously "discover" that hey, Mom's pretty great, and smart, and she loves me, and you'll have your buddy back. Just keep doing everything you do, and don't let it get you down.

I have similar age gaps in my home. Teenage boys can be worse than girls with their mood swings!
You have a lot of great responses, I can add one thing that has helped with my children: sports, especially swim/water polo. It's for all age groups, even the little one can get involved with swim. Parent participation is a must and really keeps me and my children involved with eachother.

PS My kids did not start any type of swim until they were in their teens - it's never too late!
Good luck

Teenagers think it's not cool to hang out with their parents, when their friends are around. Don't wait for him to tell you that he wants to spend time with you, it may not happen at this age. Just make plans for the two of you to do something fun together, go out to dinner, the movies, etc. Try to plan on a day and time when he most likely won't run into his friends. Teenagers often don't want to do things they think aren't 'cool', but once they try them they actually have a good time. So don't wait around for him, just take him out somewhere and have a good time, he'll eventually come around. By the way, I have a 14 year old boy and a 16 year old girl, my son often says he doesn't want to go somewhere, or do something, but sometimes I tell him he has to come and he ends up having more fun than he thought. For example: My daughter and I recently joined a pirate re-enactment group, my son said he wasn't interested in being a pirate or in sword fighting, I made him try the sword fighting once to see if he liked it. But my sister invited all our pirate friends to her birthday bash and my son who didn't want to dress like a pirate and didn't really want to go, saw how much fun everybody was having and suddenly changed his mind and now has all his pirate garb and is going to sword fighting class regularly. He was even given a sword by one of the other fighters. My point is, sometimes you have to make them try new things and find something you both can enjoy, he'll learn that he can have fun with you and it's not so bad hanging out with mom sometimes.

Hi T.,
Teenagers are so fickle.
Don't ask him to tell you he wants to do something with you,
he will blame the baby that you are too busy to take him anywhere.
If I was you, (I have had 7 kids!)I would arrange the outing WITHOUT baby and TELL the 13 year old you both are going to do something.
It should be something he is interested in...
My sons LOVED baseball...take him to a game. If he likes theater, take him to a cool play. If he likes cars, go to a car race, the drags or short track. (Drag races are L O U D so get ear plugs!) If he has a favorite band, take him to a concert...go to the zoo or a museum or ????
Whatever it is, do it with him alone!
He understands about the baby but he has been the center of your world much longer than his brother so he misses you and is probably feeling a little bit angry....that is why he is being distant. A 13 year old is fragile....yup, even the boys!

Good Luck !
Enjoy him while you have him, he is only 5 years away from adulthood!
C.

T.,

My 13 year old is having his moments too.

I recommend two books. "Bringing our boys through the second decade"..by Kathleen Fisher

http://www.kathleenfischer.com/

and "A fine young man" Michael Gurian

Kathleens book you will find on her website. Michael Gurian is at most book stores and librarys.

Both will help you to understand what your son is going through right now. Spending time with his dad (and other strong male influences..grand father, uncles) right now is really important.

Your instincts are correct to not let him alone. Understand that doing stuff with you might mean you making him his favorite meal...or you driving him to the local video place. It will get better. My son is very into his marshal arts program right now. His Sensei talks to them a lot about being respectful and treating their families well. Love that guy!

Good luck!

C. R

Hello T., First let me say I am a mother of 4 kids 15- girl, 14 boy, 7 girl, and 4 boy. I was going thru the same thing with my oldest daughter. 1 1/2 years ago it got so out of hand I had to send her to live with her dad across the country. I was heart sick. I came to the realization that I pushed her to hard to talk to me. However in this day and time I fell you have to stay on top of what your children are doing. Please just keep trying to get thru to him just don't push to hard. Pray to GOD that he will get thru to him and believe that he will. GOD is very good I prayed that he would take the devil and demons out of my daugters live and put GOD fearing people into her live. She came back home about a month ago, and we still have our problems but she is talking to me more. Children need there space but they also need mom in their love. Stay strong ofr him, I am sure he will come around.

A mom who cares and will pray for you and your son.
K.

What I have learned bout that age group is that, like your toddler, they are trying to become more independant. They want to be able to pick friends, hang out, dress how they want, etc...etc...etc.

My advice is to pick your battles. If you've rased them right with the right morals and standards, then he won't stray too far. Most teens start to distance themselves from their parents a little. (Remember when you were a teen and your parents were "uncool"?) He's going through that phase right now. So, give him some space. Ex- if you approve of who he's with, you'll drop them off at a movie that you approve of and pick them up afterwards. Something like that will give him the independence that he needs and the control that you need at the same time.

Hi T.,

I'm like you in that I have a 13 year old daughter and a 3 and 15 month old - so there's a big gap. Don't be discouraged about the questions you ask. They only act like they're not listening. Perhaps it doesn't bother him that you give your younger son a lot of attention - maybe it bothers him that he doesn't get enough. I know this was a concern of my 13 year old. Also, instead of saying "you're there" whenever he needs you, set apart time and plan to do something that you know he would love. Have regular monthly dates with him even if it means inviting one of his friends along. Does he play video games: sit and play with him. Does he like movies: take him to one. When he wants to talk, make sure you're actually listening with your eyes and ears. I know that when my 13 year old comes home from school, she wants to drop it all on me right when I've got two little monkeys hangin on me! I'll say to her "I really want to hear what you have to say - let me finish with the little ones and then we can sit together." I hope this helps.