My 13 Year Old Daughter. - Claremont,CA

A 13 year old is not a little girl. Her ex-boyfriend is harassing her. I would let his parents know right away, and tell them you are blocking his number but I would print out the texts and mail them to the parents. Be aware that there could be messages back to him from your daughter that they may choose to share with you. Take the approach with them that both kids were involved in something they should not have been, and you would want to know about your daughter (look how you feel knowing she hid it from you) and so you are informing them as responsible parents. Do not blame him. Also find out a work address where you can mail the info so he doesn't intercept the mail, especially if they tell him it's coming. Don't call the "little boy" (and he's not - he's a teenager!) yourself - let his parents handle it.

Take away her electronics. All teens do the "I hate you, you love my brother more" routine. If she's not really sad and depressed all the time, it's usually just anger and trying to get under your skin to make you give in.

Tell her that a cell phone and an iPad are privileges for teens with good attitudes and for those who earn it by taking on some responsibility. If she cannot clean her room and set the table (or whatever the chores are), then she will not get her phone back. She can earn it back by showing she is mature and responsible. A phone is a PRIVILEGE, not a right.

Put up a calendar and mark on it when she gets her phone back. Maybe a week or 2. List the chores to be done. Every day she does them, the schedule stays as is. If she does MORE than you ask, 1 day comes off the end of the phone ban. If she argues, whines, curses, or is disrespectful, 1 day gets added to the end, lengthening the amount of time before she can get it back. If you want to, you can allow her to negotiate but only if done in a respectful tone: "Mom would you consider allowing me to do the dishes and vacuum the living room instead of cleaning the bathroom?" That's respectful and you can agree to it or not. "Mom, you're so unfair, I hate you, why me?" is not acceptable.

If you don't show her who's boss now, you will never be able to trust her or control her when she is 15 or 16. She's already showing you that she can lie and hide things from you, can use bad language, etc. She's also gotten herself into a situation she can't get out of by herself. Remind her that you are her mother and she can come to you with problems. But you must stop seeing her and her friends as "little kids" because they are not. This is the age when they start to drink, smoke, have sex, and do all kinds of other dangerous activities. Teach her now that her actions have consequences, and that she can CHOOSE to have privileges and a great time as long as she does it with maturing and good decision-making.

First off, she's not a little girl. Secondly, the ex-boyfriend isn't a little boy. They're children, yes, but not little kids to be babied.

Next, if the boy is harassing her because they broke up then you need to save those texts and report it to the police. Turn over the phone and texts. The police will handle the rest and walk you through what you need to do. You need to show your daughter that you're going to protect her.

You need to sit down with your daughter and talk to her, but more importantly you need to listen to her. You want her to feel safe talking to you and confiding things in you even when she thinks you might not be happy about what she's going to tell you. You want for her to feel safe telling you the truth about things like this because she knows you'll help her no matter how much trouble she might get in because of it.

For the right now, block the boy's number. That's short term because there will be other boys. :-)

You should be able to restrict the phone numbers in her phone to numbers that you approve. You can also set how many minutes and how many texts she's allowed every month, and if she uses them up then she's done and has none until the new cycle starts. Don't give her online or e-mail access on her phone. Keep it very basic. You can even set time restrictions on the phone so that she's only able to make calls or texts during certain hours of the day. I set up my daughter's cell phone this way through my online account with our cell phone plan.

Set up a household chore chart and assign chores to everyone. Let your children choose the chores they enjoy first. After that, put the rest on slips of paper and in a bowl and let them choose their chores out of the bowl. Put them on the chart. Change the chart over like that every month. Have rewards like family time on the weekends where the kids get to choose between certain activities. Spend more time with your daughter to give her opportunities to open up to you and for you to open up to her.

There's so much more to it. It's an ongoing process. It's not about the best way to discipline or punish for this one particular situation when it's just a snapshot... it took a long time to get to this point. So it's a relationship and family function that needs repair. I would suggest family counseling.

i agree with sandy that a good place to start is to stop referring to these teenagers as 'little girls'. that mindset may be part of why your daughter is acting out, trying to get you to acknowledge her as an adult-in-training.
you imply here (it's kind of hard to tell) that you took the i-pad and cell phone away from her for lying to you. while i abhor lying and have honesty built into all levels of life in this house, in this case i'm a little confused. while lying is not okay, in this case i'd be more concerned about the sex talk. not keeping you up to speed about her romances falls more into the 'i'm growing up and need my own life' category than lying.
i would be in touch with boy's parents lickety-split and let them know what's going on. and i'm not quite sure what you mean by 'harassing.' is he romancing her, or menacing her? either way her parents should know, but if your daughter is actively communicating with him, it's not actually harassment, it's misbehavior. if she's asked him to stop texting her, why does she respond?
your one sentence that seems to get to the heart of the matter, her feelings of neglect and suicide, don't give nearly enough information.
you need to learn to communicate with this girl. that doesn't mean give into her and let her ride roughshod over you, but she needs to feel heard and understood, and to start learning how to make good decisions and have a degree of control and autonomy over her own life. while she's not at this time showing you a maturity that will allow you to trust her, just punishing her won't get you there either. i think this is a great case for family counseling.
khairete
S.

TAKE AWAY THE CELL PHONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ALL 13yr old girlz who have NO consequences for the actions you have described are going to go the, 'you don't love me, you just hate me, I am going to just go & eat worms until I die' routine!

Who gives a flip if she throws a fit over the chores??? The 12 yr old here throws a fit about it sometimes too...TOO BAD!!!

IF you took the I-Pad & cell away from her from lying, how does she continue to get the messages? WHY does she have an I-Pad & a cell phone as well, if she isn't in school she could use the desktop (if you have one) where you are able to SEE what & who she is doing/speaking with when she is on the computer.

If you don't sit on her NOW when she gets to be 15 you are going to have one big mess on your hands.

As far as the boy, if she doesn't have a cell/I-Pad you won't have to worry about it until school starts, then the fun starts cuz' you can bet the bank the drama is going to start again! Keep her busy with good activities, dance, band, HW, church, etc., that doesn't mean she won't continue to try your patience (that's her job, she is a teen) but you just have to stand firm & insist that she NOT use bad language on the phone, I-Pad, etc., do her chores, do her school work, etc.. IF the problem with this particular boy should continue after she starts back to school & she has, 'done her time' w/o her phone & I-Pad, THEN IT'S time to contact his parents & the school for help with the problem.

We ALL crash/clash with our teens!

At 13 I would stop referring to them as little girls and little boys. Tell her she is growing up and with growing up comes growing responsibilities. chores, babysitting etc. I'd let her have the cell phone when she is out of the house and needs to be in contact but not after 10 at night(earlier if she's in school) If you call them little children they will never respect what you say. If you consider them little children you will be surprised, not prepared for what they do. I'm not saying they are mature, just recognize they are growing.

sounds like this boy has been playing some serious mind games on your daughter trying to get her to hate you and cling to him, while is constantly texting, calling and harassing her. TIME TO PULL THE PLUG !! you pay the phone bill, right ? cancel all her phone gadgets that this guy has been using to harass her with! not only will you save money and your sacred sanity but given as little as six months( and a long conversation with his parents) he will find some one else to bother, and then(gasp!) he will be someone else's problem, not yours!!
K. h

You are the parent and you must remember that. You set ground rules and if they aren't followed then she should understand there are consequences for her actions. As a teenager I did the same thing. If this is her "ex" that is harassing her I would suggest contacting his parents and explaining the situation to them. They may not even know he is contacting her or that he had a girlfriend. Explain to your daughter that trust is earned and not given. If she can behave for, I don't know, a month and not lie or be disrespectful then tell her she can have the phone back. I would, however, only allow certain numbers to be used and def put the the parental supervision on the phone. When giving the phone back to her, take it away in the evening at the same time every night and then she can no longer have any contact after that. Also let her know, that as her parent you reserve the right to check her phone at any time you like without notice. Especially since you are paying for it. A phone is a privilege, not a necessity!! Honestly, I didn't get a cell phone until I was 18 and I had to pay for it myself. My girls will not get one until they are old enough to drive and it will be shared between all of the kids (we have 5) and will only be used when driving or out with friends. We have a house phone and there is no reason they can not use it!
I hope everything works out. Being a teenager is tough and being a mother to a teenager is just as difficult. Just remember that most teenagers are trying to figure out who they are, where they belong and how to fit in. Sometimes it can be difficult. If you are having communication issues don't be embarrassed to speak with a school counselor or family counselor. It could actually help you to understand one another better and build a stronger bond between the two of you. Good luck!

My daughter is 16 years old, I also have a 19 year old son; and I have to disagree that "we all clash with our teens" as another mom has commented. We (and our children) are all individuals and we ALL get on better with some people than with others.

My concerns about what u posted - most importantly, if there's even the remotest chance she means to do herself harm, you MUST seek professional help. Way too many young people commit suicide and the parents are left devastated. I have been taking medication for Clinical Depression for most of my life. I nearly DID commit suicide as a teen ... the only thing which saved me was that my boyfriend (I was 18) called my grandfather (who was a doctor) and he saw to it that I got the treatment I needed. I'm 43 now and STILL need to take tablets to be able to function in Society! Depression is like Diabetes ... perfectly controllable with the right meds and perfectly FATAL if not treated!!

The next "red flag" is that she felt she had to lie about having a "boyfriend". Why do you think she did that? Ever since they were old enough to understand I have repeated to my kids that our first job is to protect them and we can't do that if they don't tell us truthfully where they are and who they're with. This open communication has allowed our children to phone us when, for example, alcohol was served at a party and they were underage and felt "uncomfortable" about "friends" getting drunk. We went to fetch them and praised them for calling us. We didn't punish them when they (voluntarily) admitted that they'd tried some but didn't like it, because (for us) it was more important that they were safe.

I compare their response to the way I behaved when I was a teen ... to this day my mother has NO IDEA that I actually went to clubs from the age of 14 and drank alcohol and hitchhiked! When I was a teen cellphones didn't exist and when I think back to the risks I took I can only thank God I survived!! U see, I was more frightened of what my MOTHER would do to me if she found out I'd gone to a club than I was of getting into a car with a total stranger!! :(

Of course that doesn't mean that we let them do anything thay want. It's just that (because of the open discussions we've had since they were small) they are able to make good choices. Neither one of my kids has ever smoked or used drugs or even got drunk (yet). I believe it's because if you just "say no" without explaining that you're only trying to keep them safe, they WILL do things behind your back! (I was a really "good" girl, NEVER backchatted or anything ... but behind mom's back was a totally other story!!)

To sum up, you need to first make sure there's no underlying mental health issue by consulting a professional. Then you need a "family meeting" where you are honest about your worries for your children and you invite them to come up with rules that you can ALL live with.

Before you know it they'll be gone and out the house. It's never too late to open up communication ... after all EVERYONE wants UNCONDITIONAL love and for their parents to be proud of them!

I never got it from my parents and ended up in an abusive relationship because I thought I deserved to be "punished" and that no "decent" man could ever love me. I thank God every day that He sent me the man who is now my husband to show me what unconditional love is. Thanks to him we have teens that actually WANT to spend time with us!! I wish you all the very best for the future.

Yes, you should explain to her that since she can no longer be trusted, she will be limited to 5 phone numbers on her cell phone. Make those numbers be only your number, relatives numbers, and maybe one good friend that you know and like. Block the boy's number so that he can no longer call her. Do not allow her to use a tablet or computer in her room. Make her do it out in the family areas where you can see what she's up to. She's saying the stuff about you loving her brother more just to make you feel guilty and give in to her. Stand strong! When she's an adult she'll see that you did these things because you love her.