My 12 Yr Old Son Has No Friends

I had a friend with a daughter that had this same problem all through school and her mother just fretted over it. It sure seemed to me that the more her mother freaked out the worse it got for her. Ultimately this young lady graduated Suma Cum Laude (sp?), straight A's with a scholarship to CU. Once she moved out of her parents house and was on her own she got some friends and had her first boyfriend. I am not sure you will have to wait that long but one word of thought is to just take him to events and places where he can meet people, don't dote and make a big deal of it just support him through it. If everyone keeps treating him like he is a problem the more he will think he is. Just kick back and encourage him to call kids from the class and invite them over, or have a movie night with kids so he can get to know them on a social level. He may not know them well now but it may create door for him to get to know them.

He may just be at an awkward stage in his life as well and needs to wait it out a bit. I am sure he will be fine. One last thought is to look in to volunteering too, sometimes helping others and looking away from your own problems can help.

Good luck, I know we never want to see our babies unhappy.

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I think that I would start spending a lot of one-on-one time with him taking him places and doing things with him that he is good at to try to build up his self-esteem for the coming school year. Then, once school is in session, I would sign him up for extra-curricular things so that he can meet people like himself. For instance, if he is only somewhat good at sports, I would not put him in sports but if he enjoys and is good at playing an instrutment or playing chess, I would do that. This is a crucial time for your son, making him feel bad about what he already knows/ sees and feels won't help. Build him up and see what happens.

Good luck.
N

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See if you have any camps in your area where he can go during the day and come home in the afternoon. Check with some of the Bible Camps in your area. Perhaps have hime join some sort of club where there are boys his age to relate to. His age has alot to do with it as well, hormones' run rampant at this age. Try and discourage him from the friends that do come around on their own time, thats' hardly fair to him to use him and then walk away. Any gyms', boy scouts', karate etc. Ask him what he would like to do you may not get a response, dont' question him continously, but let him know that you are there for him. I wish you luck!!

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Give your son projects to do. Keep him busy with his hands. I'm sure you have things that need to be done around the house. If not, make up stuff. Clean out the garage, paint the fence, build a shed. Whatever. Keep him working!! And, praise and reward him for a job well done. Follow through. Provide what he needs to do what you assign him. What are his interests? Can you provide a kit of some sort for him to work on? Be creative. You may have to go out of your way to make these things work, but they are worth it! And, it will probably cost you something. Do it anyway! He is in a very sensitive time of life right now. You need to direct him in the way you want him to go. If you want him to just hang out and waste his life, then don't do anything for him in this regard. But, if you have a vision for your son's future, map it out and take steps (even drastic ones) to reach that goal. Talk with your son. Get him motivated and excited. And run with it!!

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Get him involved in an activity where he can meet and interact with kids his age - boy scouts, tae kwon do, etc. Hanging out with people just for the sake of hanging out (these older teens in the neighborhood) when they are not kind people is no reason to hang out with them at all. He'd be better off reading a book than trying to fit in with a group that snubs him all the time. Have him get a library card and he can read about what ever interests him.

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I had the same problem with my girl when she was 10. I also have see this kind of questions pop here and there. The more I think about it it really seems that our "no so kids anymore" go through another change between 10-13.
Bff last year now have different interest, some now are datting, some have more technology acces (phone, face book, twiter, etc) some are staying the way the use to be a year before.
Is normal many friend ships get blow away with all this changes then add hormones, yikes!
To add to this, sometimes as a parent don't see that our kids also avoid this or other kids. back in Florida our house was the go house to all kids in my block, but my daughter would NEVER go to the other kids house. I always will tell her to go but she wouldn't. Eventually some of the kids stop coming and I understand. Friendships must be mutual.
I had a talk to her.
This year she had less friends but better ones, well, no better but they have more things in commun.
However, during the vacations, she never call no one, I ask her why she said she didn't have nothing to say...She just came back from camping, learning archery, hiking and canoeing! I made her call and she was super happy on the phone for an hour!
Talk to kids is like walk in thing ice, you never know when you are going to fall to a freezing call water!

Maybe your son needs new friends, or maybe he needs to step up and look for them.

If they don't have nothing in commun a new activity will bring new friends and a improve in his self-esteem.

He can improve an already know activity or jump in to a new one.
My daughter never camp in the forest, never canoe, she was a book worm and a artist and most of her friends were too
But even if she came back with tons of blacks and blues and tons of mosquitoes bites, she now open her self to new friends.,

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Having him engaged in an activity like karate, baseball, soccer can give him great bonding opportunities with kids his own age that may or may not go to the same school as your son does. It'll widen his friendship circle.

I'm also thinking, that since the preteen period and all the cliques that develop can be very rough on kids who have fallen out of favor for this (silly) reason or that, it would be good for your son to take on some responsibility as a self-esteem booster. Is there anyway that he can volunteer for some kind of summer camp in your area or maybe your local parks and rec? Of, if you know he has a particular interest or is leaning toward a possible career when he graduates, maybe there's a way he can do some voluteer work in that field or maybe a small paid position. For example, if he dreams of becoming a lawyer, he can do some file clerk work for a local firm, or if he likes animals, he can help out at a pet store. That way, he may or may not get a chance to interact with kids his own age but he may get the opportunity to be mentored by someone that can help him put his teen years and his future in a much better perspective.

Just some ideas for you to consider . . .

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As the others have said: 11 − 14 or so are times of social upheaval for a lot of kids. If your kid is somewhat "different" and doesn't follow the mainstream it can be a really lonely time. I have a son not interested in sports and so he was challenged to find like minded boy friends in middle school - he did but it was tough at times. So first of all - some of this type of problem is to be expected. Don't overreact and hover and constantly show your anxiety about this situation. It has to be OK at home that he is not socially popular. Its a fine line to walk to show you care about his happiness but that you don't need his peers to approve of him to find him "OK". Talk to him about your school experiences - about tough times you have had socially in the past. Seriously - middle school can be a social war zone. Its alright to just survive these years - admit they aren't great - and look forward to the future.

You mentioned the social worker - definitely keep up some help or counseling so he doesn't become depressed. And keeping him busy is a great idea - especially if you can identify a group that he can join to pursue his own interests. The idea is to support who he is and help him find friends that will accept him and not pressure him to conform to them. Good luck!

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He needs some activities. What are his interests? Can he join a tennis club or take some lessons on a sport he likes - go to camp? Do things that other children his age are doing that are organized. Does your park district have activities for his age? I know that here in Oak Park it is hard to work out what to do because there are so many options. Good Luck.

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Camps are an awesome idea.. Do you have a Big Brother's outreach in your area? Or is there a local Y? What about joining a church group? I don't what your beliefs are, but church's usually have programs that cater to kids, and encourage acceptance and whatnot.

Good luck!

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Here is an excellent resource:
Nobody likes me, Everybody hates me
The top 25 friendship problesm and how to solve them by Michele Borba.
Very specific.God Bless

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My kids made friends from joining baseball, basketball, and football. They are also involved with boys scouts. Our neighhood has a lot of older kids too so they interact with kids their own age. Does your son have any interests that he can join?

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This break my heart to read. Have you tried taking him to places like the museum, parks, or other places where there are children during the summer? It might help tojust change up the environment where he is trying to meet and make friends. Also, whatever he is interested in may help. For example if he loves socceer maybe he can join a team and make friends that way! Keep your head up and good luck.

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Don't stress over it. I am hearing stories like this a lot with this age group. Have him join a sport, boy scouts, go to a vacation bible school, volunteer to work as a counselor's aide at a summer camp (he can meet other kids his age there).

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It would be a little helpful if there was more background. Sometimes these kids find it so important to have a friend, any friend they don't pick right. Such as the older ones. How are they using him? Does he have special games that he lets them use for instance. One of my sons went through things like that, he is older now, but then went through periods of time where things were fine. If I knew a little more I might be able to be helpful. That is a tough age and in some ways you might enjoy this solitude, as well as he, they can turn out very obnoxious sometimes in the future The friends that is and then sometimes you go ugh I wish for those days back.

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I know three boys like this so first of all it is not uncommon I am hearing, second I commend you for noticing and wanting to do what you can to help. Do what ever you can to sign him up for anything at the parkdistrict etc. What are any of his interests and go with that one day a week or sports , cooking, reading club , computer games at the library etc anything and sign him up and make him go even if he fights you on it just drive him there and pick him up etc. I will also pray he is in the right place at the right time to keep him on a safe and caring path of life.
J.

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