My 12 Year Old Daughter Does Not Want to Go to Public School

If I am understanding what your situation is correctly, when you moved out of state recently, she was required to leave all of her childhood friends behind to come live with you. Her problem may not be with the public school system at all, but rather with the situation that she is having to start over with making new friends. At her age, tween, that can be TRAUMATIC. Especially if she knew in advance she was leaving, she would have all this built up anxiety about what to expect and what she is leaving behind.

Girls that age can be particularly cliquish and difficult to be around. Especially if you are the "new" kid.

It also sounds like she knows that you are waffling on the situation, and so she is in a position to manipulate things to where she can just avoid dealing with a "new school". Frankly, I don't think it is more sinister than that.

She is being given (it sounds like anyway) a little too much control over her situation. And she isn't ready to have all the "privilege" (and REsponsibility) of doing that. It's just too much. Her solution, obviously, isn't to deal with it at all, but to avoid it all. "homeschool me" and I don't have to face the real world.

I moved in the 10th grade. I KNOW how devastating a move can be when you are leaving all the friends you have ever known behind, and have to make new ones. And the new ones already have established friendships, cliques, club members, etc. It is horribly stressful. You just need to put your foot down and help her through it. Don't let her decide not to deal.
You will need to make your home inviting for her to have girls over. Take her to some sort of classes or extracurricular stuff outside of school. Encourage her to sign up for things at school just to try them out. (band, chorus, a sport, yearbook, whatever). She will meet new people thru those avenues and have shared experiences with them... which, after all, are the basis for friendship.
Good luck.

4 moms found this helpful

I agree with Victoria. I moved when I was in 6th and let my mother have it for years. I hated them for it for ever. I did make friends and I was involved but I was so mad at them for moving me.
Get her involved in something she likes. have her take the babysitting class in your new community. Have her volunteer at the library or the ASPCA.
Invite friends to your house. Go to church and involve her in the youth group.
Put her in school. She is 12 and does not get to call the shots. Maybe try a small Montessori or Christian school.

3 moms found this helpful

Maybe the environment in public school isn't right for her temperament. If she's a shy or laid back child, the large class sizes, cliques/peer pressure and long hours of traditional school can be overwhelming to some. Maybe she needs more individualized attention, or more variety of topics/courses to peak her interests.

Did homeschooling work? If it did, why not do that this year? It sounds like you got into it on the fly last year, and perhaps didn't have time or the benefit of getting involved with a homeschooling co-op or support group in your area. Maybe if you work together as a family to put together a good program for her, she'll flourish and find friends. Homeschooling certainly allows for more creativity and opportunity to explore areas of interest as well as the 3'rs for kids who don't do well in a traditional school setting.
Also, many public school districts now have a homeschooling option and will provide the computer and curriculum free of charge.

There are also other alternatives such as charter schools, and if budget allows, maybe consider a private school. The upside of homeschooling is she can take it with her without losing momentum if she spends half her year w/you and vice versa.

Check out www.hslda.org to find support groups, curriculum (private/not provided by your school district) and general information on homeschooling.

2 moms found this helpful

I didn't have a chance to read all the other post so I maybe repeating some information.

It seems as though she is stressed with the unstability within the family. Not saying that you are not a good mother, however things happen and sometimes changes are hard to adjust to.

If you are not able to homeschool her yourself, maybe you could find someone else that homeschools. That way, it would allow her to still have some connection with other kids but on a slower level. If that is not possible, try small private schools. The worst thing you could do is make her attend public school.

Once she is in a better setting she may not be as stressed. Keep the lines of communication open. If you do look into other homeschools or private schools let her go with you. That way she will feel as though she has some control over what is going on in her life.

1 mom found this helpful

Perhaps she thinks that if she doesn't make good friends in a few days, they don't like her. Perhaps she is depressed over all these changes and at that age, depression can show up like anger. Whatever it is, she needs a good counselor that will help find these things out. So go out and get one. (Some school counselors have little practice in really getting through to kids that age -- no offense out there.)

There is a lot going on here.

I am assuming she is in therapy?
What does her therapist suggest?

Maybe a smaller private school would be good for her.. She needs to be around some kids on a real schedule with expectations.

This age is already hard, but she does sound clinically depressed.
Her hormones are also changing all of the time, so she will need a professional who can keep up with her.

The other thing is she is obviously BEGGING for stability in her every day life... No mamby pamby parenting. She cannot handle this right now. She will not admit it, but she needs parents that are going to tell her exactly what expectations are and stick with it.

Come up with expectations for her behaviors, house rules, her exact responsibilities in your home and make her stick with it..

She may seem to fight it, but she needs and wants to be parented..
I am sending you strength.

Can you afford private? There are several GISA private schools that have smaller classes and more individual attention for students. There are also tax credits available to help offset tuition. I'm not sure what area you're in, but look up www.gisa-schools.org for schools near you. If you are close to Carrollton, may I suggest Oak Mountain Academy? I will tell you I'm biased, I teach there and my son is entering 8th grade there, and we love it. : )

Good Luck!

Maybe it's best to let her be homeschooled. She's obviously going thru a hard time right now and that's a hard age anyway. If you aren't able to homeschool maybe your state has an online homeschoool program run through the public school system. We do in OK... it's free and you do all your work online and anytime you need to talk to a teacher theres a # you can call. My brothers did it.
good luck!

It's important to find out why she doesn't want to go to public school so that you can deal with those issues. Not wanting to go to public school is the result of something going on in her personal life. I'd say continue with home schooling or enroll her in a private school, alternative school, charter school while you work with her to find out what her issues are.

This will take consulting with a professional person skilled in child/teen issues. I wonder why she came back from being with her father, for the first of the last school year, angrier than when she left. I would guess that he lacks parenting skills necessary for getting along with a child that age. But I would also wonder if something more sinister has happened. Did he protect her from negative things going on at school? Was she bullied, harassed, or abused in more physical ways? Who talked with counselors, principals, etc.? Even if she is the one who talked with counselors something like this may not come out, especially if her involvement with the counselor was short term.

And of course, you need to know about her relationship with her father and his friends and associates. Her difficulties and the resulting anger may be directed at the school but have it's source at home. If you didn't have her regularly involved with a trained and skilled counselor before it's urgent that you get that going right away. Something is going on with your daughter that is causing her to be angry and you need to know what it is.

The most obvious reason is related to your divorce and how she has adjusted. It's easy to say, of course, she's having difficulties because of it. The next step may be more difficult. How can you help her adjust to her life now? What does she need to put the pain and upheaval of a divorce and remarriage behind her? Frequently, it takes the knowledge and skills of a professional person to get to those answers and provide the counseling to help her deal with her anger.

It sounds like she is probably clinically depressed; age 12 is about the time you will really see it if so. Embrace the opportunity to help her - if she's depressed she probably does not know why she is upset and angry, which can be frustrating, and feed into more anger and frustration. All the advice abuot getting her onvolved sounds great, but if she is not able to be optimistic and friendly due to her angst, it will still be hard for her to cope. Best of luck!