Mr Independent- Those 4 Year Olds

I think of 'independent' as 'I want to do it myself'.
How you describe how he's acting sounds more like a defiant attitude.

Take the same approach to this as you would for terrible twos/terrible threes.
Make sure he's well rested and fed before going out.
Explain the rules and what you expect before you go out.
If you feel it's transitions he's having trouble with, give him heads up
"We have to leave in 15 min." then "We need to leave in 5 min". etc.
If he has a meltdown, take him home and he can finish his tantrum in his room.
No I wouldn't expect he'd be through it in any particular time period.
It's not likely he'll turn 5 and ding he'll be done.

First of all, stop being embarrassed. All kids do this at some point. Sometimes they are 2, sometimes 5, sometimes 14! If you worry about appearances, you stop thinking clearly about how to handle it.

I think that, at this age, canceling a park date for tomorrow based on what happened today may not be effective. Instead, have a sit-down about the rules. Let him know that, if he has a tantrum, he's going home immediately. If you stop him in his tracks and put him right into the car seat (and yes, that means carrying him or dragging him back to the car with people watching), then he'll figure out that consequences are immediate and as promised. Don't worry about the others - they've all seen it, or will soon, in their own lives. If you're with someone, don't go crazy with shame and apologies, but just say "Joey is engaging in unacceptable behavior so we need to leave now. Hope we can get together another time. Bye."

So no you can't keep him home, and it wouldn't work anyway. A 6-week grounding is appropriate for a 14 year old but not a 4.5 year old. And he may not snap out of it - you may have to teach him to come out of it.

If he has a tantrum at home, just say "It sounds like you are really frustrated. If you can calm down, you can tell me what it is. If you can't calm down, you can take some time in your room until you feel better and can stop screaming." If he's blaming others and it's obviously not true, you can stop that by putting him in his room until he stops lying or fibbing.

If he's sleeping so much, you're right, he could be going through a growth spurt, or maybe he's fighting off something and he just doesn't feel like himself. He's frustrated, he can't express it, so he acts out. Sometimes, when a child is calm (either on a good day or when he comes out of his room after being sent there), you can sit him down and try giving him some choices of vocabulary to express himself. Helping him with his words (while being careful not to give him excuses) can give you a better idea of what's going on. But the main thing is, you'll teach him that words are the best way to express his frustration and that you allow and encourage it, but that engaging in tantrums or blaming or disobedience will always ALWAYS result in him having a whole lot less fun.

I always told my kids how I expected them to behave when we were out. I would specifically tell them what they should say when I told them it was time to leave. (Ie. "Okay mom") and that they could not argue, cry or bargain. I would ask them if they could behave that way because if they couldn't they we could not go. It seemed to work. Good luck!!

It's not always easy!!! You do need to teach him how to follow rules and how to handle disappointment, but chin up! This stubbornness and persistence in him is going to serve him well. Help him to use it in a positive way. When he's trying to learn to tie his shoes or ride a bike or read "The Lord of the Rings" or understand Algebra (I teach math :-), his determination will be a good thing.

So guide him, but don't break his spirit. This is a good personality trait.

ETA - I'm not sure than anything is going to magically change in 6 weeks just because he turns 5. You do need to be specific and make sure he is clear on what the expectations are. Don't just stay home all the time. Work with him on this. Let him be himself, but help him learn to follow the rules wherever you are.

This is will be an ongoing process for both of you.

Look up Love and Logic - it may help. It's choice/natural consequence based parenting. It gives kids a feeling of control in a world where they don't have much, but the parent still has the ultimate control.

Example: you want your son clean before bed. You let him choose between a bath and a shower (or a plain or bubble bath). HE gets to choose (ohhh- control), but YOU get a clean kid - the actual goal.

For the park - We can leave now, or in 15 minutes - what do you want to do? - he picks/he controls - either way, you leave when you want to.

He's becoming aware of cause/effect, and it's probably scary when you do something and things don't turn out how you expect (the blaming).

Not sure, but I wish you strength and patience and you parent him though this.

Best,
F. B.