Moving with an 8 Year Old Who Does Not Want to Move

Immediately.

Even if he doesn't want to, he needs to know. Even if you think it will 'wreck' the rest of the time... he really won't forgive you if you lie, even the failure to mention it when you know will be experienced as a lie.

The siblings are right. You need to find a way to be 'big' enough to withstand the emotional outbursts your 8yo is going to have...and find a way to absorb it and understand it and let him have the fullness of it.

What might happen in the short term is microscopic compared to the fallout from lying. It might feel like the 'easy' way for a moment, but you will create a disaster that you'll be cleaning up for...oooh... a hundred-thousand times as long?

Rub up against nettles for 15 years, and you'll be irritated non-stop on a level that makes childbirth feel like the kind of things super-sensitive 3 year olds can handle... grasp the nettle firmly and you'll be stung for a moment.

That, in my view, is what you have to choose between. I will never pick 'irritated for years' instead of 'in pain for a moment.'

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I would tell him or the others will slip by accident. He may more upset that he was left out.

Good luck!

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One of the best moving w/ kids tricks that I know... is to get them excited about it by researching the place that you're moving to.

The whole:

"We're looking at moving to ________. I'd like each of you to find:

- 5 pictures
- 2-5 fun places to go (zoos, waterparks, fishing, movie theatre, temple, sports arena, whatever)
- Where your school would be (if you know your address)... and what special programs the offer or what's "different", etc.
- etc."

You can let them know that IF you move there, their list of "fun places to go" you WILL be going to... so they'd better not pick an office store to be silly. ;)

We moved every 2 years growing up, so a bit of a different boat... but we were always told as soon as orders came through. Which varied between 1 year and 6 months. Gave us enough time to get used to the idea. Also that orders could change. One year we were going to Italy, but wound up in Japan... another year we were going to Hawaii but ended up in S. Carolina.

Kids are pretty resiliant. I've noticed that parents who are excited about moving have kids who get excited about it, and that parents who are afraid of how it's going to affect the kids have scared/nervous kids. The absorb our energy from the thousands of little clues we give them (just like toddlers). So as long as you're positve, I'm sure the kids will all be fine.

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Hi K. - I am the biological mom of 2 girls, 20 & 24, and the step mom of 1 daughter 28. It has been my experience that the more in control our kids feel of themselves & their circumstances, the better off they are. Everyone feels that way. One way to think about it is how would you want the scenario to play out if you were in his shoes? The more you can allow him to be a part of the process, the better off EVERYONE will be. :) If it were me, I would tell him ASAP and take it as an opportunity to guide him as he works through this difficult process and basically coach him in working through his emotions. Sit down & talk with him whenever he needs to. Don't be afraid of his feelings, sadness, anger, whatever, even if it's directed towards you. He'll be fine in the end and better off having had you to walk through it with him & show him how to deal with those emotions & that he WILL be ok, even if he doesn't feel like it now. Life is full of hard stuff, stuff we don't like, sadness and pain. It is our job as parents to show our kids how to deal with these things and this is a great opportunity. On the flip side, if you just spring it on him, he will feel betrayed and out of control which could cause much bigger problems all the way around. This way he feels empowered & respected by you even though you are having to make a decision that is hard for him. I will pray for peace for your family as you go through this transition.

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This is kind of on the opposite side of your situation, but when my kids' (absolute best) best friends moved away about 2 years ago, we had the same question--when to tell them about the upcoming move. I wanted to wait until it was close--like a month away. But they found out about it much earlier on accident. My son came home from his class crying after finding out and there were still at least 3 months left. But we used that time to talk it out, and get excited for our friends' new adventure, and do special things together, and it turned out for the best.

But when I first found out about the move I started reading books about moving with my kids, before they had a clue that the move was coming, which sparked conversations about moving in a hypothetical sense. I guess I just like using books for this sort of thing. Here a couple you might like:
Alexander, Who's Not (Do You Hear Me? I Mean It!) Going to Move, by Judith Viorst
Gila Monsters Meet You at the Airport, by Marjorie Weinman Sharmat

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K.

If your other kids know, he’s going to know so there is no good in keeping it from him. He needs to understand that the move is for the good of the “whole family” and sometimes in life things don’t always go exactly like you want them to go. .

He has 4 months to play with his friends and he will make new friends in his new neighborhood and school. It does not have to be 4 months of sadness. Perhaps he can have a party or sleepover when school is out.

Let him know can still keep in touch with his old friends by phone or mail (although most 8 year olds will not). Usually it’s the teenagers that do not want to leave their school and friends.

Blessings….

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Dear K.:
I'll start with I was lucky and my at the time 12-year-old daughter was all for the move and a tremendous help, in fact. What really got my daughter all gung-ho for our move was being able to visit where we were moving and visiting potential schools. She also helped with some of the house hunting.

Since you're moving in the summer, like we did, once you have moved find a place where lots of neighborhood children are. In our case it was the neighborhood pool. My daughter had instant friends at her first swim.

I would have a family conference now and let everyone know that you're moving. Siblings aren't very good at secrets. Your 8-year-old will be upset, but this will give him some time to adjust. He needs time to work through his feelings. I'd also give his teacher a heads-up on the move and his feelings so he/she will understand any behavior issues and help out.

L. F., mom to a 14-year-old daughter

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All good advice here. Tailor it to your kid, you know him best, and follow your instinct!

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I guess my idea is a bit different being retired military. We told our son we were moving about three months before the actual move and all he did was go around saying he was moving and everyone around was very happy when we did. After that we would tell him about three weeks out that we were moving and that worked better. Since you do have older children you may have to ease him into the move by bringing in the books or going by a home that has a moving van as a way to let him know that you are moving. Also the idea of searching out the location would help him. If there are huge points of interest or other fun activities nearby play them up.

Yes, the only thing constant in life is change and he is learning a valuable lesson early that moving is an adventure into a new world and new friends and new places and many time we don't get to have a say about staying we HAVE to go. Good luck with your new home. The other S.

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I like the suggestions about reading about moving and getting some hints there. But you HAVE to tell him. I speak from experience when I say it stinks to move, but it stinks MORE when it's a surprise. My mother did the surprise move thing to me twice, at age 10 and 14. It's horrible. If the whole family knows, it's not a secret. If you can talk about it honestly over the next few months, you will build trust with him. Good luck!

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If you didn't have older childern I'd say you could wait a while, but you're right, they shouldn't have to be hiding things from their little brother. I think you should slowly start working on it now, and even though he probably won't want to hear it, point out the plus side frequently. Don't just repeat the same things over and over, try and think of different ways to get him interested in the move. Maybe find out things about the school he'll be going to next year to tell him, or anything he might find cool. Good luck!!! And remember, he will adjust and come to like your new home with time and some help from you!

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TEll him now. He will get used to the idea and he can help his siblings find a new house. I let mine look for houses all the time, we too are moving this summer.
I also have them look up the new city like another poster said. I let them research it. This time we are moving back to northern VA so they are already biased as to where to live.
Let him help you pack some of his things away if you have to sell the house you are in.
Involve him as much as possible in the process. Packing, looking at new schools, recreational sports teams. He will get excited and start to come around.
We move every three years or so. the younger they are the better. My 14 year old really doesn't want to move but she is already in HS and has her clique. The hardest move we had was when my oldest was going to be a senior.
He will have his worries but make it fun. He'll be OK.

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He needs to know before school ends. Give him enough time to do things where you live now so he can tell all of his friends, classmates, sports team members , scouts, church and teachers good bye. Maybe let him have an end of the school year party with all of his friends. Help him make up "New home" cards that he can pass out to his friends so they can keep in touch.
Maybe get him am address book for his friends to fill out their addresses and family email...

Let him pick out his new room color. Maybe some cool posters. Remind him that with the computer he will be able to visit his old friends on line.. If possible, maybe have a way one of his friends can go and visit you guys in the fall.

It will be hard and sad, but he is lucky t o have a large family, with all of you moving it is like a big adventure!

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Wait!!! Four months is a long time in the life of a kid. I'd tell him about 3 weeks before you move.

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Wait til summer the older kids can hold it til then. Two days to a kid is forever. G. W

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