25 answers

Moving in with Boyfriend -- Need Advice!

Hi ladies,

I am a divorced mother of a toddler. I've been divorced for a while and have been dating a man who is also divorced, with no children. We recently began discussing the possibility of living together. This is not a relationship where I see either of us going anywhere. My SO is great with my child, and my child adores him. What I was wondering is, if anyone else had ever been in this position, and if they had any advice or concerns that I might not think of. I understand the gravity of this situation, and am not seeking replies judging me. Thanks for the help!

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Okay, to clarify -- I meant neither of us is going anywhere, away from the other. Not that the relationship itself is a dead end. Sorry for the miscommunication. Additionally, we've known each other for about a decade, have been very good friends (you know, part of the others life regularly) and have now been together for almost a year. Thanks for the advice, it's really interesting to hear what you all have to say!

Featured Answers

When my son was 2 i moved in with boyfriend. He loved my son and my son loved him. We have been married now for 17 yrs. my son was crying at the wedding for me and as we walked pass my husband picked him up and carried him down the aisle. They have been close forever. My son was adopted be my husband and everything has been great.

1 mom found this helpful

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Long time ago when my children were very little, I did that, so I'm speaking to you from experience. Since you are not asking anyone to tell you to do it or not to do it, but rather insight into possible problems with the scenario, I will stick to that. Discipline can become an issue in that even in a normal married with children of their own situation, parents disagree sometimes about what discipline to give, when to give it and for what reasons, etc. It is only natural that no two adults will agree 100% of the time on these things. When it is a man who is not the real father of your child and he is adament that your child should be punished for something and you have a different idea of the way to do things, this can cause a lot of conflict in the home. Not only that, it can cause a lot of anger and resentment between the two adults involved. Although right now you are probably seeing this man through rosy love-tinted glasses, he will definitely not be perfect and there will definitely be issues to arise between you in the future, so you must decide whether to put yourself and your son into a situation where there is a (statistically) good possibility of the two of you not staying together forever. How you handle disagreements between the two of you now may not remain the same once you are living together. That said, it's always a risk to love someone and be with someone. If it works out, you could have a wonderful life ahead as a family; that's the plus side. If it ever turns ugly and you split up, it could be emotionally damaging to your son. Your decision to make and it could go either way. Just weigh the risks. Not every situation is the same. Just reading on here, you can see other people's lives have turned out just fine from the same kind of arrangement. Good luck to you and your son and your SO, no matter what you decide to do about living arrangements.

1 mom found this helpful

I live with my boyfriend of over two years and we moved in together after 2 months because we spent everyday together anyway and we were head over heels in love. My 5 year old son now calls him daddy, but then his dad is not in the picture. It has been a long and hard road for us, but we have teenagers too who don't accept the "non-parent" as a parent and that is the biggest conflict. We are having a baby together now too.

I think that if you are both in love and share each day together anyway, you should go for it. The discussion should come up with his responsibility to your son as a father because that is ultimately what he will be when your son's father is not around and make sure he understands all that it entails and actually wants and accepts that responsibility no matter what arguements arise between the two of you. That is the biggest concern to me. Also, always talk to your son about the changes that will occur regardless of his age or understanding so he is prepared for it. There may be some stress issues regardless if it is a positive change. Children always have to adjust to change and preparing them makes a big difference. Things could occur like your son wanting more attention, falling back on potty training, etc., but he will adjust and be fine.

1 mom found this helpful

When my son was 2 i moved in with boyfriend. He loved my son and my son loved him. We have been married now for 17 yrs. my son was crying at the wedding for me and as we walked pass my husband picked him up and carried him down the aisle. They have been close forever. My son was adopted be my husband and everything has been great.

1 mom found this helpful

Ok, first I want you to know, NO judgements here!!! My question is, if he is not going anywhere, why not set a good example for your son, and yourself, and not move in together. If your SO is not going anywhere, then say to him (with your actions)that you are worth marrying first. You are worth it girl!!!! And if he thinks so, and if he respects you enough, he will marry you b/4 moving in. Just think about what you want to model to your son??? Good luck in your decision!!

1 mom found this helpful

I don't think this is a responsible decision. You would be putting your needs and wants before your child's. Your child is already emotiomally unstable due to your previous divorce. You would be putting your child at risk again for another dad figure leaving. YOU are the mom that needs to be a positive influence in your child's life and teach him the right direction. I understand it is hard being a single parent in every aspect but you have to go with it and do the best you can and remember to put your childs needs and best interest first. If this relationship is that important to you, wait a while and see where you guys stand later down the road.
Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

I think you're saying that you don't see either of you walking away from the relationship (not that you don't see the relationship going anywhere as might have been misinterpreted by a few others). I'm a newly single mom myself and won't be entering into dating for awhile yet (still pretty new to this).

The big question is are YOU ready for this type of commitment. Is your SO ready to be a dad? Does your son have contact with his dad? If yes, I would think it's important to make sure that your son knows that your SO will not replace his father but will be an additional support person for him. I'd also make darn sure that your son doesn't think he'll be replaced by your SO and will receive any less attention than he is already getting.

I'm sure I'll be in your shoes at some point, so please keep us posted about how things are going.

1 mom found this helpful

Wow, lot's of advice here. My husband and I moved in together after dating for a week. I have two sons and we have since had one child together. We got married after ten years living together only because our youngest wanted us to. We are heading for our 20th anniversary and enjoying our grandchildren.
We as a society have so lost our ability to love trust and expect the best.

Expect the best K. and do what is right for you - make sure the financial stuff is worked out in advance so there are no surprises later.

Best!

1 mom found this helpful

Don't do it. Remember that you are a living example of what it means to make good choices. It is so important for children to see a model of good choices, even when it means sacrifice. The fact that you see no future in the relationship indicates that you already know the answer to your question.

Raising emotionally healthy children will be worth every sacrifice you make in the process. I speak from experience. Good luck.

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