After having my daughter who is five months now, her father and I have been on good terms.We talk every day (Usually not about the baby, expressing feeling and showing honest emotions) During my pregnancy we argued alot mostly from the hormones and the fact that he takes thing very personally.(When arguing)I also had some personal issues at my mothers were I was staying and decided to move to another state with my father. He was red hot about this but I gave him no choice and I moved. (This was when I was eight months pregnant)
Anyway the question is would it be wise to move in with my childs father. Of course I only know how our relationship is and how it has been. We are not together right now but will more then likely be when we move in. My daughter will be close to both of us and we could possibly work on becoming a family. When given a chance to make things work I think it would be okay to try and have said later that I did try then to have not at all.
What do you think?!?!?!?
Thanks for all of your kind words and support. I don't know what I would have done with out this website, its great.
I would like to first say that some determining infromation was left out and I would like to let you know. My child's father and I love each other very much and had been in a relationship for three years proir to having a child. Right now we live to far from each other (Im in the north and he is in the south) so he can not see me or his child like we would like to. Our previous agruing is more like bickering over silly things and prior to the birth of our child we worked that out. So now our relationship has never been better. True it is different when your in the same roof, so I dont know how that will be. We are scared because we want a good out come but GOD only knows how it will turn out. Our plans are still to move in but we'll be staying some where that we both can afford even if we were together or not and we have decided that when this happens we will be together(a couple) and we can not let anyone get between the two of us. I would rather work it out with the man that I love then push him away again.
I thank all of you for your responses. If anything changes I be sure to let you know.
Well, I tried with my daughter's bio dad and it didn't work out but at least I tried. Now that she's older I am able to tell her that I did my very best and it just didn't work out. That's all you can do. Things might be great but you'll never know unless you try it. Good luck! :)
If you don't really get along now, why do you think a baby would make a differenc? Why didn't he marry you?
So what happens if you try it and it doesn't work? It is the baby that will pay for this, after all she didn't ask to be born. My advice would be to move on without him.
I would not move in together for the sake of you daughter, that is not the answer. You should give it more time. He should be able to support you no matter what, pregnant or not. Life is not easy and it is what you make it be in good times and bad. We have all had rough times at one point or another, but it is who is there to support you thru those times that you want to be with.
My question is will he still be around should you get pregnant again? The hormones do not change you will still have them.
Do you have your own place, or are you living with your dad? What is going to happen if you move back to where you baby's father is?
It doesn't matter if you live next door, 10 streets away or a state away. Your daughter can still have a great relationship with both of you. It is what you make of it.
The next question is are you going to take all this advice that you have been given and listen to what everyone has said. Or you going to make your own decision and move in together anyway?
If you so chose the later, then take it slow, because you may find out he or you will become a different person once it changes and you are living together.
Michele
I think I am confused on where you are living? YOu said that you moved out of state. Does he want you to come back to michigan? Who are you living with currently? and what state, Also how old you both? Also do you have a job and does he? I do have opinion on living together, the saying is true "why buy the cow when you can milk the cow free." he needs to earn yo back.
Very hard to say, Krys. I'd be concerned if it's so unstable that you feel (do both of you feel or just you?) you have to 'try' to make it work.
One train of thought says that if it isn't strong enough to start with and you have to try to make it work, it doesn't bode well. TRY to MAKE it work. It sounds like you want to make something work that just doesn't have the capabilities to.
On the other hand this is your child's father, and he clearly seems to want to be a presence in her life. Only you two can determine if you're on the same page and you have the stuff for success.
Why, tho, is it just a matter of moving in together? Is the relationship not strong enough, on the same page enough to try for a successful marriage? Look for the qualities in each other that would make for a good relationship/marriage. And look for inconsistencies too. Too overbearing? Too controling? Too uninvolved? Too inconsiderate? You're talking about being a team, so what percent is everyone willing to give?
because you are asking I will give you my opinion :)
No
because you will fight and arguing in front of a child baby or not can have life lasting effects.
my suggestion would be to stay apart and work on your relationship when it is completely together and smooth then move forward with cohabitation.
good luck to you.
I would consider moving near him, not necessarily with him. If things so smoothly then talk about the next steps. But I would wait until you are mostly sure it will work out. Moving in and then turning around to move away would be harder on your daughter instead of just moving by him. Baby steps & see how things go. Good luck!
You sound very young and confused. I don't think moving in together is the answer. Stay with someone that will give you consistent support and will be there to help with your daughter. You need to settle down and quit moving for your daughters sake.
Hello,
I think that you re better off staying with your father until the dad proves that he doesn't have a temper and doesn't take everything personally. Don't blame his shortcomings on your hormones. Is he a good provider? Does he have an education and job skills? Have you ever listened to Dr. Laura on the radio? She makes so much sense, and she also has written several books, that might be helpful to read. She doesn't condone living together, as it usually doesn't work out. Your daughter comes first so don't move in with her father unless he is the type of man that you want her to admire. Best of luck to you.
Moving in together sounds like a bad idea. That part of my marriage is the absolute hardest part! You need to concentrate on getting your life stable. A job, a support system of committed adults (that can include the father of course) and setting a family structure that will grow your daughter into a stable, good citizen. I would put the effort into developing a parent/parent relationship with him. Love/friendship may or may not grow out of it, but you can't really "try" to get that. You can only try to be level headed, responsible and accountable. And I would really try very hard not to get pregnant again soon!
If things are decent right now, LEAVE IT THAT WAY. Living together is not the next logical step. Your daughter can have a perfectly healthy relationship with both of you living separate as long as you are good to each other. Leave well enough alone and just see what grows...
~L.
He loves you enough to live with you but not enough to put a ring on your finger. Trust me, don't live with a man, "why buy the cow when you get the milk for free", this happened to me, we had a child together and moved in, we bascially were pretending to be married by living together, but no committment behind it. Well, today I am no longer with him.....Don't live with a man while unmarried.
I think you are the only one that can make that decision! We can give all the idvise to you in the world and give reasons in both directions, but you need to trust yourself and your heart. I can tell you for my family I was in a relationship that I wanted to make it work for my daughter and we eventually got married and things that were wrong in our relationship before never got better. We eventually divorced and now 2 kids later he has hardly anything to do with them. But thats my situation and my exhusband was very abusive towards me mentally and physically so we have too many issues. My oldest daughter was 4 when we split and now is still in counseling to deal with the situation. Not all situations are the same so you have to ask what you want, and what is best for you & your daughter. Then you will find your answer. It took me a long time to realize the best thing for my daughters was to get out. Most importantly...put your daughters needs first!!! Don't put her in a situation that is harmful to her mentally or physically. He can always be a great dad if he wants to be, no matter if you live together as a family or seperate.
I think it is a terrible idea. You are not together, you don't get along and you fight a lot. And please don't try to pass off the fighting on your hormones from pregnancy. This situation will not improve...especially with an infant in the picture. Think of your daughter. Do you really want to try to raise her in a toxic environment? I think we all know it won't last and would be a waste of your time and his. There are plenty of good single mothers out there. I know it must be scary, but don't do this. Best of luck to you!
Dear K.,
I just want to say how awesome it is that you have chosen to have and take care of this precious little girl. She is so blessed to have someone who loved her even before she was here! And what a hard (but rewarding!!) job you have taken on yourself!
That being said, when you are a mom.. the 2 main jobs we have is to 1. PROTECT and 2. PREPARE our children for life. To PROTECT our children, they need a stable environment where they have consistancy, love and safety. When unmarried parents live together, each person has one foot out the door and there is not the commitment to stick together when things get tough (and they WILL get tough.) Also when you live together in the eyes of the law you are "playing house", but if it doesn't work out.. you have none of the rights that a legal wife has... because you're not a legal wife.
Bottom line, if he loves you and "baby girl" (which means he puts your needs ahead of his own) maybe you should seek pre-marriage couseling with a pastor or other couselor. Then you can use the objective perspective of a 3rd person to help you and he see if a legal marriage is possible. Otherwise, DO NOT let him in and protect your daughter. Having a person float in and out of her life when he (or possibly you?) feel like it without a solid long term commitment is confusing to children. And when she gets older she will find a way to blame herself.
If he is a man of integrety he will step up and make this family he has help to create a real and healthy family (legally). If he just wants to play house, that's not good enough for you or your daughter. You (and she) deserves his whole heart.. emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially and legally! Nothing less...
As the wise jedi Yoda once said "Do or Do not... there is no try!"
Just my opinion! I see to many couples living together with children and when it doesn't work out it gets ugly.. and quite honestly I can't think of one situation that I am aware of that has worked out :-( And the children end up suffering the most, and they don't have a voice or any power to stop it. Please focus on PROTECTING and PROPARING your daughter.
Best wishes.. I'll be praying for you and your daughter.
Peace,
B.
I agree with Lacy! When couples move in together, especially with a new baby and a rocky past, things don't tend to work out so well. It would be better to have her parents getting along and happy than living together.
The biggest questions that you haven't answered is - do you love this man? Are you planning to be together for life? Does he love you? If the answers to those questions are no then there's your answer. Do some soul searching and you will know which way to turn.
God bless,
S.
I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant with my daughter before I was married. My relationship was fairly new and kind of rocky. Essentially on & off again. What worked for us was some real time apart. For me, we had to chose eachother for the sake of eachother and not the baby. We ended up getting together when she was 12 months and married when she was 18 months and have been married for about 10 years now. Babies really helped us get a grip on reality and to see the world as much bigger than ourselves - I think anything is worth a try but timing is everything - you can't run before you can walk.
