October 13, 2008,
A.U. asks from Allen Park, MI on October 10, 2008
Move Away from Family Because of Job? Help
I really need some help here mommies.. Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this.. Here's the deal.. My husband's work(hes in management for Conrail)is offering him a promotion, but to go out to New Jersey! It would be a level increase (which increases his yearly bonus from like 15% to 25% I think) then also a pretty large yearly raise.. They are asking that we move out there for aprx 2-3 years then we can come back here and he'd keep the same "level" and pay raise. Which sounds nice and all, and I kinda understand his point that it furthers his career, and that it will make us a lot more financially secure - especially since I plan to quit working after our 2nd baby is born (due this month, the 31st).. Oh and they also will take over our house and sell it for us and they give like $10,000 for moving and another $10,000 to settle into a new place - so thats the background on the job offer... However, I think the timing is awful! Just having a 2nd baby and quitting work - isn't that enough for me to deal with and adjust to!! ?? I just honestly do not wanna go. I am VERY close to my family and can't even imagine this! My husband is no where near as close to his family as I am mine, its very different. My daughter (4 1/2 yrs) is super close with them also and she would be devistated not to see my mom especially, she is use to seeing her 2 times a week at least! I just think that family is more important and can't imagine not having them around or anyone around that I know! It just seems like it would be very hard! I have literally been in tears about this a LOT lately and its causing a lot of fights. Not to mention we have just put A LOT of money into this house and finally have it where we want it, we have great neighbors, etc. Am I being selfish? Has anyone made a move with kids away from family they are close to? How did it go? Should I be looking at the long term stability it could give us? Or is family more important and should I fight it.. I'm just soo darn confused right now and stressed about this. Any advice, thoughts, experiences is very much appreciated! Thanks
D.T. answers from Detroit on October 13, 2008
A. - What a tough decision but remember the family you and your husband created is your first priority. I will tell you my husband is from Jersey I am from MI. I lived out there for several years and frankly there are many things I still miss about that whole area there are several beautiful areas and great communities. If you were planning to leave your job and stay home with your children would this make things financially easier for your family? You can visit home and they can come visit you and you indicated you have the option of coming back after a couple of years. So it may not be that long. FYI it is driveable....although a long drive I recall 16 hours maybe. Good luck making your decision it isn't easy but you will make the right one in the end whatever that is for your family!
G.B. answers from Detroit on October 11, 2008
These are the kinds of challenges I hate! My husband turned down jobs out of state and we still feel it was right, but we're still very broke and struggling. We don't regret it though. It was right for us. To us, family is the most important unless things are so bad that there's really no other viable option. I doubt anyone will agree with me in this economy, though. Everyone is in such a panic! As a grandmother, I cannot tell you how grateful I am that all of my children and grandkids live within about an hour from me. I know it means a lot to them too, but my sons-in-law do not have as big an investment in this as my daughters do. Still, they've gone along and we're all richer for it! Is your husband with you on this or is he going to resent it if you stay? I'd try to help him see why it's so important for your family, but that's just me. It's not a popular idea in our culture to stay near family, but it's what I'd opt for if you could work it out at all. You can;'t replace family!
A.K. answers from Detroit on October 10, 2008
I think you need to list out the positives and negatives to the move.
Some financial things to consider: I would check out the cost of living in New Jersey and figure out how much of a pay raise you will actually seeing with your living expenses here versus there.
Even though his company is willing to buy your house from you, I'm assuming it will be the current value of your home and not the price you've paid for the house (and also dosen't include $$ you've put into the home). You'll have to calculate any loss in equity into the equation.
What will the cost of an equal home be there? Will you have a higher mortgage loan amount due to loss of equity/less cash for down payment? Are you prepared to pay all of the costs associated with buying a new home (in many states mortgage/real estate closing costs alone are well over $10,000)?
I'm just brainstorming for you to help you in your fight to stay here. :) If you do decide to stay, your husband could always cite market conditions as a reason to turn down the position, that way his decision may not be looked down on.
Good luck. I lived away from family for 2 years without children and had fun, but MISSED them so much--hence we're back!
C.D. answers from Detroit on October 11, 2008
Moving away from family can have great benefits. We moved away from our extended families a decade ago. There have been bad parts of course, but my children's memories of family visits are always happy ones. Also, it has brought our family closer together and given us all a new perspective on both our family and our extended family. 2-3 years will fly by, and your children will remember it as a great adventure if you present it to them in that way. What will really make the difference is your attitude though, so if you go, go smiling!
R.K. answers from Detroit on October 13, 2008
It seems like you have lots of good advice already, but I also am away from both extended families indefinitely. It's hard, but I flood my home with pictures of the family and we talk about them often. We call on a whim...if my daughter asks, we call, even if I know we'll be leaving a message. We try to see them often. If you do decide to move, I would try to plan on budgeting a certain amount of the pay increase for visits home so you don't feel so far away. What a great opportunity for a promotion with all the job troubles going on today. Good Luck!!
K.R. answers from Detroit on October 11, 2008
I know it's not the same, but perhaps getting webcams (one for your household, and one for your mothers) could help ease your daughters transition. You can then See, and Talk with her on something like Yahoo messenger, or MSN. I know Yahoo has a voice function as well, so it's like a free video phone call. With things the way they are right now, I can't imagine NOT taking an opportunity like that.
A.H. answers from Detroit on October 12, 2008
There's a lot of good advice. I'd also ask whats the stability in his job if you do stay here?
If you do move maybe the house could be rented out and you'd have it to come home to.
I know all those pregnant hormones make it all the harder to think it out. Would he be making enough you could come back and visit every few months? Or take turns with family coming to visit? I'd grab the calender and plan it all out to see if it would work. Maybe your mom could come help you get settled in... It could turn out very nice for your family. But I can't want to get out of here, MI econ is so poor right now.
Good luck working it out. A. H
N.O. answers from Detroit on October 10, 2008
Oh my, I really feel for you. It's hard to be torn between a great opportunity for your husband but also sacrifce leaving your family who you love so much.
What sounds great about all this is that it's not permanent. Let me put it this way, if it were my situation (and I am just as close with my family as it sounds you are to yours) I would do it. I would move. This could be a great opportunity for your husband and considering that your thinking of quitting, it would makes things easier financially. Feel lucky that he's even being offered the opportunity for such an advancement when so many people are looking for jobs. (not that I'm saying your not sounding grateful, just saying how great this could be for you)
I know the timing is awful. It's gonna be hard at first, but it sounds like it would be worth it. There are alot of perks, your not stuck trying to sell your home which would put ALOT of pressure on you guys right now considering the market.
Marriage is just one big sacrifice. You have to do whats best for you guys. And again, it's just temorary. And if he's making more money, you could be able to afford to visit a few times a year. If you do decide to go, you'll do fine. Hang in there. I've moved from my family when I got married 7 years ago. I had no children at the time, but the move was hard. It gets easier once you find new friends and things to keep you busy.
B.A. answers from Detroit on October 11, 2008
Hi A.. I know exactly what you're going through. Everything you described is exactly what my family went through 1 and a 1/2 years ago. My husband was offered the same perks and career opportunities, and I had a 4 yr old and soon-to-be-born 2nd baby. Our move was also for 2-3 years, but to Germany, so it was even harder to keep close to the family that I love so dearly. I put my foot down, said absolutely not, and my husband respected that. He never said a word, or made me feel bad, but I could tell in his demeanor for the next few weeks that he would always look at this as "the opportunity that he had to let go". I knew we couldn't go through our marriage with this hanging over our shoulders, so after a few weeks, I told him, Let's Do It. So we packed up our house, and with our 4 yr old and 2-month old baby, made the big move. Let me tell you, I have never regretted this decision, and have been very, very happy with this entire experience. It has been a great experience, and has brought our family closer together. Part of the deal was that we had to spend summer and xmas vacations with our family during the time we were away. We have also had family members visit us here in Germany, so the time has flown by almost too quickly (we are over half-way done with the assignment). For those family members that are not able to visit, we have our websites where we post our pictures and videos so the family can keep in touch. I guess what I have learned through all of this is that a close family will remain close through anything, including distance. And although it has been difficult with a second baby (unfortunately, I continued to work after the 2nd, since I work at the same company as my husband), my husband has been very supportive, and helps out wherever and whenever he can. This has strengthened our marriage, strengthened our family ties, and taught us that we can handle most anything. I wish you the best of luck in your decision. I know the decision-making part can be very stressful (it was for me!!!), and what worked for me may not necessarily work for you. But like someone else mentioned, list out the pros and cons, and you will know in your heart and mind what will work for your family. I wish you the best of luck.
S.R. answers from Detroit on October 11, 2008
GO! That is an offer that you shouldn't refuse. I can't imagine letting it slip by for feeling sad about missing family. However, if you begrudge being there, it will be miserable. Read the papers and listen to the news! Michigan is entering a depression, not just a recession! The money you spend to bring family out for visits could be much less than the loss you'd take on your house if you tried to sell it. Would it be possible to have a family member assist the move? It won't be easy being pregnant, but yes, I think its not only selfish but foolish to miss the offer. New Jersey is called the Garden State. I grew up there. Wouldn't be my 1st choice, but there's a lot to offer. Houses are expensive. I imagine you'll be in the NE because its Conrail? The further out (west of NYC) you go the nicer it is. It won't be that bad if you find playgroups, etc. Go for it and embrace the opportunity!
C.H. answers from Detroit on October 12, 2008
I can imagine how hard of a decision this is for you. I too have strong ties to my family. I moved away from them when I got married (I'm from chicago) and even though I hate being far away, I still believe that me moving to MI was the best decision.
You need to sit down and write out the pros and cons. Do some homework about what life is going to be like financially once you get there. I don't know what your finances are like now, but if you are feeling the pinch of this economy, and a raise like this would be great for your family, then I would have to say go for it. You said it is not a permanent move, and even though it is far, family can still visit (and vice versa).
If it were me, I would go. But you know more of your situation that I do of course. Good luck in your decision, I wish you the best.