Mother's Opinions

I've always thought it was very cute when kids are affectionate. I go to play places all the time too and I can't imagine many people being upset. Seems like when parents are in those places they are all very open and friendly toward each other.

Now a little insight to an adult that is not always comfortable with hugging. I don't hate being hugged. But I grew up in a family that didn't hug past a few years old. So I guess I associated hugging with what grown ups did with little kids. I don't ever remember teenages running around hugging each other when I was a kid. Then my daughters grew up on me and I was SHOCKED at how much they hug each other. There have been a few people in my life that have hugged me when visiting or when I visited them. They probably felt me bristle. But they just kept doing it. I'm glad they did. I still don't feel comfortable enough with my own social radar to know when to initiate a hug with someone else. But I like that this present day world is sending out the love at least in some places. We need more of it.

My granddaughter has always spontaneously hugged other children. If the other child or their parent seemed uncomfortable I would take my grandchild's hand and gently pull them away and say, we only hug people who want to be hugged. This seemed to take care of the situation.

My granddaughter, at nearly 10, hugs her friends. Every once in awhile I notice the other child just standing with their arms down and I quietly say to my granddaughter that so and so doesn't seem to want to be hug. Gradually my granddaughter is learning to recognize those cues.

Because we are a family that hugs I've not been concerned about actual hugging. But I have been aware that my grandchildren need to learn to recognize social cues. I didn't begin to expect my granddaughter to recognize when to hug and when not to until 2-3 years ago. I began having conversations with her about ways to show affection and when to recognize when someone is uncomfortable.

I was surprised to learn during a conversation with one of her friends that she didn't like to be hugged even when she was feeling good about being with her friends or even her parents. Even tho she didn't like to be hugged she never took offense and neither did her parents. I was also surprised that even when parents were present they didn't ask my granddaughter to not hug their child. I watched carefully and haven't picked up on much discomfort either. It seems that hugging in our group of acquaintances and friends is accepted even when not initiated.

I think that most parents realize that toddlers are spontaneous and are not concerned when another child hugs their child. A hug is not an "in their face" contact. At least I think of the term to be describing angry contact.

I also think that a hug is an acceptable way of greeting unless the other person is uncomfortable with it. I've learned to pick up on cues, mostly on an unconscious level. I expect that children will learn to know the difference between when to hug and when not to but it does take several years to develop that 6th sense. I wouldn't be concerned about your son hugging in greeting. Just monitor it and intervene when you think it's appropriate.

So, I agree with your way of thinking of this situation.

I kind of lean toward the other side. While I love that little kids are so spontaneous, I think that hugging a stranger-even another child is not right. If they've spent the afternoon playing together, I don't see any problems with a hug goodbye or if they've played together before, but not a first meeting. I wouldn't walk up & just hug a stranger, so I really don't want my kids doing it. I always encourage my kids to talk to other kids & ask names & such. We are a pretty "huggy" family & I don't have any problems with giving/receiving. But it's just that stranger thing. Even though it is a little kid.

My little girl loves to give hugs to buddies she's made on the playground. She's always dished out hugs after playing, and so far they've all enjoyed getting one from her. I would definitely let your little guy give out hugs and work on social cues, like Marda said, later on.

I tend to think hugging and even kissing is ok and cute among little kids. They all learn social boundaries eventually, but (I find) the fact that they aren't constrained by them yet is endearing and honest and that is part of the magic of childhood. I guess you have to judge every time it happens differently--if the other mom is smiling and laughing, like I would be, and the kids are happy about it, like mine would be, then let him do it. And if the mom is giving you a funny look or the kid doesn't like it, tell your son "I don't think this little boy wants a hug right now." Sounds to me like you are already handling it perfectly!

My son is around a lot of other kids pretty often, but he often shies away from the sort "in his face" contact that you are describing. Because I want him to be more comfortable, I have no problem with another child close in age coming up to my son and playing physically as long as it's nice. If my son is right next to me I say something like "Oh look, he wants to play with you, isn't that nice? He likes you and wants a hug!" My son usually tentatively responds and then loosens up pretty quickly. I think it is a good thing to help kids like my son, who is a little tentative but not horribly shy.

I think it partly depends on the size/age of the kid. If the other kid is much bigger than mine, then I see my son getting more nervous. But all I do is then is touch him so he knows I am there or maybe pick him up but then squat down to the approaching kid and get them to interact. That is what I used to do when he was one and first walking in that kind of situation. Maybe encourage them to do high-fives or "knuckles" instead of a hug. Then the other kid isn't feeling rejected and mine is learning to be around other kids. I have a friend whose little girl is only 18 mos but she tackles kids in playgroup with her giant hugs. A lot of times other kids don't like it and I know my friend worries about it and is quick to intervene, but until it gets to the knock to the floor point, I don't worry about it. She isn't being mean, and it didn't take my son long to see she liked him by helping them interact like I described above. And maybe it would be different if it was strangers, but all the moms in the playgroup just think it is funny because she so obviously isn't being mean.

My daughter does the same thing. I've never had a mom seem upset about it. The only thing I am sure to do is watch the other child and if it is apparent the other child doesn't want the hug, then I'm sure to say something like "honey, she's saying no. She doesn't want a hug, so you don't give her a hug.". I want to be sure I teach my daughter to recognize other peoples boundaries.

But, they are still little.... It's really not a problem. I used to get all uptight about it because my daughter IS so forward..... Until I realized I was the only one getting uptight about it.

I have no problem with another little kid hugging at all. The only time I squirm is if it is obvious the kid has a cold or something or the one time a little girl walked up and planted a big kiss on my daughters mouth. But even then I wasn't too concerned because it's cute for kids to be affectionate. I wouldn't worry about it. :)

I can appreciate this question because I have a son that is having difficulty learning physical boundaries. He has high functioning autism and is on the overly affectionate side. So we have had moments in doctors offices when he has climbed up into laps of other women there and given them kisses. Thankfully he is also cute as a button and the other women have been very understanding.

I agree with many other moms on here that this is an endearing part of early childhood. One experience that comes to mind is when my son was posing with his soccer team for a photo. He didn't want to sit there and kept moving/walking away and the photographer would patiently sit him back on the bench. Finally he'd decided he'd had enough and he threw his arms around her neck in a big hug. The next moment was priceless. The other kids saw him do this and they all followed suit. The photographer was under a mound of children all giving her hugs. It took her a good 5 minutes to get composed and said that is was the first spontaneous group hug she had ever received! In the beginning I was a bit embarassed, then I saw everyone laughing and enjoying the moment and I realized that while my son may have some social difficulties, he also has a wonderful ability to bring others great joy.

I've taught my kids to not hug or kiss others they don't know. My son was diagnosed with leukemia a few years ago and we became a bit germophobic to protect him. We didn't isolate him (unless he had low immunity), but we did encourage handshakes and high fives in lieu of hugs and kisses with classmates, kids on the playground and even young cousins who constantly seemed to have colds. My kids have other ways in which they let others know they want to play with them and are happy to see them. Just a viewpoint to consider.