Mother Seeking Advise on Daughter Insisting Boyfriend Go to College with Her

Hi C.!
As a very involved college professor (I'm the prof who always ends up being a surrogate "Big Sister"), I can tell you that I see this VERY often - with my freshmen! The good news: When I teach the older set (especially juniors and seniors), I see this problem much less frequently. YES, most gals (and it always is a girl - my male students never seem to make this kind of judgement error!) really do "outgrow" this stage once they realize what college really has to offer.
The pattern that seems to be consistant:
1. Your daughter is probably worried about the relocation aspect. You say she's close to you; moving out of state w/o a friend in the world is scary. No wonder she wants to drag her BF with her. Someone is better than no one. She might already see her error, but her fear of being alone is greater.
2. From my POV, I would not encourage you to financially assist her in living off campus if she can get on-campus housing (even if it's not free, I would encourage you to tell her that you will pay for on-campus, but not off-campus, housing). Most of the opportunities to mingle with other students do not come in the classroom, but the dorm room. That's where she's going to see how her roomate has a GOOD BF and the descrepencies will become more obvious. And when her suitemate cringes after she meets your daughter's BF, all the better! Peer pressure can sometimes work to a parent's advantage in a case like this!
3. Don't lecture her, but if she asks for advice, give it. You are not obligated to support her poor decisions. If she wants to make adult decisions, let her recognize the adult consequences. College kids are very crafty in channeling parent funds to things Mom & Dad would NOT support. Most colleges now use ID cards that can be "loaded" with $$$ but can only be spent in places like the on-campus eateries, laundry facilities and bookstore. There are also usually different levels (my college has 3) of freedom kids can have with this $$$. Do a little research; don't load her card with the most "freedom-esque" level of funds. Local businesses like supermarkets and even clothing stores will accept these types of funds from kids, and my students always brag about buying beer! You don't want your $$$ going to stock his 'fridge.
4. Stay close with her. Take her shopping for dorm bedding - your treat. If possible, schedule a trip to the university - just the 2 of you! - to help allieviate her fear of the unknown (and when she sneakily slips in a flyer for an apartment, look the other way). Be the "rock" so that when this all comes crashing down around her, she knows that she can turn to you without fear of an "I told you so." College kids are so impressed with their "maturity" and seem to be very afraid of making their errors in judgement public knowledge. If she thinks she's going to be chastized, that might make her stay with him longer than she would have otherwise.
5. Some schools have policies with scholarship kids that prohibit off-campus work. Find out if that's the case, and sweetly make her aware. You want her on campus as much as possible. Even if she does opt for an off-campus apartment, encourage an on-campus job. It's nearly as good as a dorm, as she will be working with other ASU students and making friendships outside the classroom (ASU is HUGE; don't count on the classroom being her social outlet). Use reasoning like, "I've read that on-campus jobs are more flexible with your school schedule; in many cases, they pay better; you won't have to worry about the commute/gas prices; you'll make great connections with alumni, which can help you after graduation..." etc.
6. Most colleges host freshmen "camps" right before school starts as a way for them to become comfortable with the campus and know what to expect from their college experience. It's usually called orientation, and it might be available over the summer, too. Find a way to get her there, even if the plane ticket is pricey. Lots of bonding goes on (as that's the point) and, once again, her fear of the unknown can be reduced.
I wish you and yours the best of luck! College is a HUGE culture shock, so don't expect results overnight. She'll most likely cling to him through at least the first semester (assuming that he even makes it up there in the first place!).

2 moms found this helpful

Hi C.,

As a child whom did similar things to my Mom, I will say to you, that you have made the correct decision by not supporting her by co-signing for this apartment. My mother did the same thing to me she even cut me off financial. I was angry back then but I'm glad she did it to me, it really force me to see who really wanted the best for me. The only thing I wish my Ma did was send me money for food or send food. So that may be a help for you. If I were you I would just pray and let her go, she will come around and you just be their for her when she comes out of it. I graduated from college and went on to do well with my life. Do not give up on her but do not let her manipulate you. Please pray for her all the time and trust that God will move in her life. He did mine.

I pray this helps you some. As for the boyfriend the more you try to keep her away from him the more she will fight you to be with him.

T.

Well it looks like you are being forced to let her learn the hard way. And since she is technically an adult it is her choice. Now there are some things you can do to persuade her, but ultimately it is her decision at this point. If I were you I would double check with her financial aid as to housing requirments. As far as I know most do not require that the student live on-campus in campus housing. Which is a shame because living in the dorms when I was in college was a wonderful learning and growing exprience for me and I think it is for most people. But at this point in the game I don't think anyone is going to convince your daughter of that. I agree that you should not financially support this boy. He seems to be a bit of a loser. I get the feeling that your daughter is quite motivated and has a bright future ahead of her. I am betting dollars to doughnuts that if they move in together that in about 6 mo. she will get sick of him and cut him loose. Plus once she gets to school she will start making friends who are obviously more motivated than BF and that will make him look more like a loser. Right now seems like she doesn't see the loser part of him, but I bet she will when he is compared to the college students she meets! I say let her go and move in with him. Find out how much the rent will be and agree to help her with HER half of the rent. So if rent is $1000, you will give HER $500 or better yet you pay the landlord the $ so you know it goes to rent. BF has to pay the rest. Tell her that if she feels this is a mature relationship then this is what couples do when they move in together, they split everything 50/50. Since you know she will be in school and you love her you will help with HER half but not BF's (his aunt can help him). I think the more you rail against your daughter's choice the more she will pull away from you. But if you express your discontent, then let her make the choice on her own, when she wakes up and gets rid of loser she will be more likely to run back to you. Just be patient, but don't tell her 'I told you so' when she does finally get rid of loser. Just be supportive and loving. Sorry this is so long! Good luck. And encourage her to get involved with activities at school, that way she will meet more people who will make loser look more loserie(not sure that is a word but oh well you know what I mean!).

One more thing, to try and keep you close to her and in her thoughts while she is away, send care packages. With homemade cookies, etc.. anything that will remind her how much you love her. So when she does need you, she will be more likely to call you.

I feel for you. You are going to have to face it, she is 18 and legally an adult. Take it from one who knows. Once your kids reach 18 they will do what they want. It sounds like you have raised a very smart young lady. As you said, don't co-sign for an apartment. I believe you are right about her having to stay on campus the first year. If she has gotten her tutition paid they have requirements of her. Release and let go. She will be find. My daughter has a boy friend similar to your daughters and I just believe my daughter will make the right choices. Just be there for her however it turns out. Good luck and God bless.

Phyllis

This is really tough, my heartfelt sympathies for you. I wholeheartedly agree with your stance not to co-sign for an apartment or in any way help pay for the boyfriend. Have you made her go through the process of making up a monthly budget to fully understand what it takes to be on your own? I would double check with the admissions office to see if on campus housing is a requirement for freshman year. It may very well be. Is there a guidance counselor at school, or a favorite teacher whose assistance you can enlist to talk to her? If she won't listen to you or her sisters, maybe someone from a more neutral corner might have a better chance at getting through to her. I applaud your closing statement. As hard as it is to acknowledge, she may have to learn the hard way and at this point allowing her to succeed or fail on her own is the thing to do. I know you will be there waiting with open arms. You're doing a great job!

Hopefully this will be the last time you have to do some tough love. It sounds like she needs to learn the hard way. She is so into this gold-digging boy, that she can't even see straight. Let her go mom. Let her go out into this big world and learn how to pick herself up after making mistakes. It will make you stronger. I admire single-moms who take the time to care about and worry about their children. I admire you. Be strong and stand your ground. Your daughter will need to see a strong example in you. She will also need your shoulder to cry on when Mr. Wrong dumps her. Just avoid saying "I told you so."

Hi, C.,

Your daughter's situation sounds almost exactly like mine 24 years ago. I have experienced immense heartache by trying to sustain a relationship that should never have started. The guy I fell in love with at age 14 and dated/lived with until I was 26 brought me an incredible amount of grief. I realize that people often do not want to see their kids invest heavily in partners that they think are undeserving of their kids' affection, but trying to force the kids apart or talk them out of trying to maintain their relationship is often fruitless and may actually backfire. At 18, people are allowed to make their own decisions, so you have to let them do what they will do. That being said, you don't have to financially support your daughter's boyfriend's move. Offering to listen to your daughter and stay as neutral as humanly possible will probably help things work out better than trying to force the kids apart will.

L. E

Hi C., I sympathize with your situation. Unfortunately, love is blind (and dumb as hell) sometimes, and if she feels that she loves him, she will do whatever it takes to be with him. There isn't too much you can do, unfortunately. :( My former boss went through this too, her daughter had a scholarship to a local university to play volleyball, and she threw it away to be with a loser with a few kids, who had her move to another state to be closer to one of the kids (and most likely the mother of that child, whom it seems he still loves or deeply cares for) while she popped out three babies back to back. She now has three kids ages 3 and younger, and it looking at her life in a whole new way. She is contemplating divorce. When I was in high school, I did the same thing, gave up my education (my grandparents offered to pay for me to attend Oregon state to get my degree in psychology)for a man, who I am no longer with, but share a child with. I truly sympathize with you, and can just tell you that prayer works, but your daughter will have to make her own decisions. :(

You are doing all the right things. It hurts to see your child go down a wrong path when you know what awaits them at the end. But we all must go through our own journeys to learn our own lessons. I am sure that you had many life learned lessons on your journey. This is your daughter's right in life. She is an adult now, as a result she will make her own decisions whether or not you agree. The best thing for you to do in my opinion is to let her know what the outcome of her decisions might be. And you have probably already done that. The other thing you could do and probably the most important thing is to let her know that you love her and that you will always help her. The help might not be the way she wants it but it is help. For example you are refusing to support her and her boyfriend. You are helping her by refusing to co sign for her or give her money. She may not see this as help now but in time she will. Just remember we are all here to take our own journeys your responsibility is to be there when she falls to help her back up. With that being said don't pick her up simply help her back up. If she has gotten this far and has a GPA of 3.5 she is not dumb. She will more likely figure it out on her own. Besides this might be a lesson she needs to learn on her own in order for what might come in the future. Another thing that you might want to do is buy her the book 10 Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. This is a time to grow with your daughter. I think this is the time when you become more of a friend than a disciplinary, enforcer, punisher. I wish you peace in your up coming endeavors.

S.

All you can do at this point is allow her to try to do this on her own. Do not co sign for any finances if she insists on allowing him to tag along for a free ride which we both know he wants. Sometimes as parents we have to stop and allow our children to make mistkes sometimes big and sometimes small to learn. This one might be a big one. BUT remeber, its not that she can't work her butt off to cover an adult child if she really wants to-her mother should't have to. or she may soon realize he is taking advantage of her. either way coming from my exsperience with my own daughter-she soon found out what the boy was all about and giving her scholarship to Univ of Az for a guy who isn't worth it is a bad decision but she also know she can go back but now much harder and that is the consequence she pays for allowing a boyfriend to manipulate her decision. My daugter now attends a community college and came to realize she was too imature toi go to a unviersity especially with a loser who has jumped to 4 different community colleges within 1 year. I had to sit back & alolow her to make her mistake even when I was bitting my nails & lip ever so often. She has more respect for me and now herself as she realized he was disrespectful to her & to me by his actiosn-or should I say his non actions to do anything with his life. Good luck, I know its hard to sit back but in the ende this will be one of thise times your baby has to learn the hard way. She can alwas go to ASU but the easy road with a scholarshipo will be her decision to alolow a fool become a priority over her education-no one else to blame other than herself-and not you or her sisters. Thank about it....

Don't do anything. Let her go. This will be a hard lesson for her to learn, but she is young enough to get over this infatuation with this dead beadt boyfriend and move on. She is 18 and is wearing her immaturity on her sleeve like a badge of honor. The aunt is so happy to see him go she can't wait to throw a party. This relationship will fail. Let her go and wish her luck. Do not help financial.

P.S. I hope you did not rent the car for Prom. She would have sat at home. I would have told her to get used to it honey because her man is a B.U.M. Broke Unproductive Man

I have a step-son 19 who is learning the hard way also. He moved out, lived in the dorm with his girlfriend, who is a peach, and he was not a student at the school. He is back home with less than what he left with.

She's an adult and making plans. You should follow through on what you have said and let her do it alone. The guy is obviously bad news, but she won't take that from you and your talk of him just drives her further from you. There comes a time when we have to let them grow up and make their own mistakes.