Mother in Laws

My sister and I, who now have 1 year olds, know exactly what you are talking about. there is unwanted old fashioned advice, and scary scary judgement. Basically, I just say the same thing over and over and they think I am a weirdo, and I don't care. they kind of stay away. fine with me!

Hi A.,

First of all, I FELL YOUR PAIN! I have a Mother in law who has gotten better, but this woman even had to control the date scheduled for my C-Section because I heard through the grape vine that "She just did'nt want me to have that date!"

O.K. Here is what you do! Tell your husband that you have been holding this in for a VERY long time. You know that he loves his mother, but if he loves you, he will try to respect and UNDERSTAND what you are goung through, ESPECIALLY if he wants to remain married to you! This is YOU and your husbands baby and his mother needs to respect how you do things, his mother also needs to stop saying the things that she does because of how it makes you feel, because it is making you feel like you want to spend LESS time with her than you already are! Basically, he needs to talk to his mother and be respectful of your feelings, and she needs to grow the heck up!!!

Best Wishes!

Hi A. my name is J. and i feel your pain i live with my in laws and my mother in law talkes about me behind my back and she makes comments when i go to see my family.. And i also cant talk to my husband about it cause he takes her side.. She stickes her nose where she doesnt belong she calls my husband and tells him things i do and the things i dont do.
She raised my husband to be a big time nerotic person and now it is putting a strain on my marriage cause all i do is cry and i dont want to talk to him or her..... The worst part is my family soes not see my children as much as my in laws do and that hurts because my parents are the ones who help us do and buy things for the kids his parents dont part with spit for our children.. I guess the best advice i can give you is grin and bare it cause if you say something to her she will probably turn it around and make you look like the bad guy..... But please if you have any advice for me write back cause i am going crazy......

Hi A., I so wanted to respond to this when I saw it yesterday but didn't want my husband to see it! I really identified with your situation. My daughter is 2 now but for the first 10-12 months I felt just like you do. I too cringed when my mother in law would hold my daughter and bit my tongue when she offered unsolicited advice(which she still does). The feeling did subside over time. My best advice would be to ignore her as much as possible. I was able to blow off steam to my own mother and having someone else to talk to definitely helped. If you don't feel comfortable leaving your baby alone with her than don't do it! YOU are the mother and you should trust your instincts when it comes to your baby's safety and well being. If she confronts you about it you can be honest and tell her that you're not comfortable with it yet but maybe after you can see her soothe him when he is crying instead of handing him back to you. That's very reasonable. Just be strong - you can get through this without straining your relationship with your husband. In time you will accept her as your son's grandmother and she will accept that you are a capable mother.

A. it seems everyone has a monster inlaw my husband usually defends her & that makes more problems but I usually say that saying thats why they say mommy knows best because you do & if your point is'nt taken then maybe you should talk to her & use the word we so she thinks her son feels the same. It's hard to keep peace sometimes I wonder if it's even worth it

wow A. i cant even imagine how you feel...the only thing i can think of is find a way to tell your husband how you feel...i know thats his mom but if he loves you then maybe he should understand where you are coming from.and if thats does not work then maybe you should let her know how you feel i know thats not the way you wanna go but if you cant take it anymore and if i were you i would probably go there...lol
maybe talk to your mom about see what she thinks
good luck:)
let me know how things turn out

MIL's are tough! And as for your actions making your husband THINK there is a problem, well, there is a problem! Talk to your husband and let him know how you feel and how his mom makes you feel. Also, don't be afraid of responding to her comments with "smart" things like "Oh, he's just a baby and cries a lot. I'm sure I didn't do anything to him." She'll get the hint eventually. You wouldn't put up with that behavior from a friend, would you? Just as I'm sure your MIL feels she needs to be respented as your husband's mother, you need to be respected as your baby's mother. Your MIL needs to get the message either from her son or from you so either have your husband address it with her or address it yourself. You have enough to deal with having a new baby in the house, you don't need any grief from anyone! It's YOUR baby, it's your job to be overprotective! We all are, especially in the beginning. Don't let her make you feel bad when you are only trying to do what's best for your baby! And as for her keeping score, that's her deal. Don't stress about it.

Everything I have said may sound a little harsh but I just hate to see people getting walked all over by their in-laws. My sister is going through it now too and calls me all the time to vent. When my daughter was first born my MIL made me really uncomfortable a few times and when I finally got up the nerve to talk to my husband about it, you know what he told me? He said "Don't let her do that, say something! Or get up and walk out!" (She was trying to take pictures of me while I was nursing.) He empowered me and now she hardly ever does anything to upset me and I think it's because she knows she won't get away with it!

One last little tidbit: if your MIL tries to do something "old school" (like putting baby to sleep on his stomach), just say something like "I know that was the practice when you had your kids but things are different now and please understand that I'm only trying to save your grandchild from SIDS." She'll get it.

Hi A. :)

I really feel for you here. I've been with my husband for nearly 13 years, married for over 6 of those, and my MIL is a handful too. She has let my older daughter ride in a car seat without being strapped in because she didn't know how to adjust it and felt that having my SIL be on the ready to fly across my daughter's lap in the incident of an accident. She also left my younger daughter in a swing unbuckled because she "couldn't figure it out". She "keeps score" of which set of grandparents gets more time, and if she sees our car at my parents' house (who live down the street from them) we get the third degree followed by the self-pity-pouty-guilt-trip. The only thing I can't see her doing that's on your list is giving my girls back to me when they cry - no, in her case, she tries to step in and even take them from ME when they cry, like I'm some kind of inept mother who can't comfort my own children.

My MIL has caused a lot of problems, too numerous to name here.

I have spoken to my hubby about this, and he knows. Now, if all this had happened in the first four years of our relationship, I would have been the evil one - how dare I criticize his mother who bore him and raised him and loves him like no other woman. But he's grown out of that. So it's good he knows how I feel. Still, it's his mom, and no matter what he does love her, so it will always be at least a little bit of a delicate situation coming from me. But we talk about it, and it's important to talk about it with your DH.

You're not wrong for feeling this way though. Mothering instincts are extremely powerful and acute, and your first instinct will always be to protect your baby. Sometimes it is important to let go a tiny bit, but until you feel more comfortable, do what you need to do.

Also, something to keep in mind on her behalf, is that she may sense that you're tense, and may also be so scared of doing the wrong thing she overlooks stuff that would be automatic to you and I. If she's a new grandma, she's not used to all our current-day rules, and may have some anxiety about it. So if you talk with your husband, you may find that you can cut her some slack.

Or maybe not ;-)

Good luck to you - if you find the exact right answer, I do hope you'll let me know because I've had a heck of a time trying to figure it out for myself!

I went through pretty much the same thing with my mother in law. See My soon to be hubby, has another daughter, which he unfortunaly does not see, because of his mother. I wondered why the in laws weren't aloud to see there other grandchildern, so I made sure I included them with everything. Boy, what a mistake that was. Well all the advice I can really give you, were suggestions given to me. If she really isn't harming your child, then it might be best just to bite your tounge. If you absoultly feel the need to say something, then you need to talk to your husband first. Don't just put the blame on her, kind of make it sound more like it is you. I am telling you this because if he is a mommas boy, then it will mess your relationship up really bad. And when and if you do decide to say something, make sure your husband is with you, so then that way she doesn't tell your husband something different than what was said. I know all this from experience. Things are still uncomfortable at holidays, and ect. Well hope you get a better outcome than I did.

Sam

Hi A.. It is not uncommon for women to have issues with their mother in laws once they have children. That is because each family does things differently and since this is your first child, you feel a need to do everything by the book - again, normal. My advice though is to talk to your mother in law before things get too out of hand. Explain your feelings. Hopefully she will understand and respect them. Try to do it on a day that nothing has bothered you so you will remain calm. As for you husband, he is not going to get it. After all, it is his mother. I went through the same with with my husband. The only way I got my point across was to handle it myself. And you should do it soon because it is only the beginning. Good luck!

my mother in law is even worse than yours... she thinks that because im a young mother i have no skills in raising my daughter, but i told her that she raised hers already and is time for me to learn how to raise my own. whenever she comments on something and i dont like her comment i walk away and i tell my husband to tell her the comment wasnt nice, or simply i ignore her and keep doin what i was doing, whenever she says something to my daughter like "call me mommy" i tell my daughter that she is not mommy shes grandma, but most of the time i tell her not to change the things ive tought my daughter for her things...because i dont even like the way she raised her kids, just focus on your kid and tell her that if u need of her help or advice you will ask for it and to otherwise just let u raise your kid your own way

Sorry about the situation, I know how you feel. I had a similar situation. My mother in-law complained that my family got to see him all the time and I would never let him visit. Well that was b/c her house should have been closed down by the health department... I've never seen a place so filthy that I even questioned my husband for living there. So in the beginning you can make excuses about not being ready to leave the baby but eventually you will need to let your husband know the real reason and your reasons. I think your reasons are completely valid, so hopefully he'll be understanding and you guys can come up w/a way to let your mother in-law know that there are certain ways you want your baby to be dealt with (namely safely and affectionately... doesn't seem like much to ask) and she will be understanding and try to improve that behavior in front of you can trust her w/the baby one on one.

Hi A.!

I am living through the same thing. My mother in law has a true diagnosed mental illness so it often make having a rational discussion with her difficult. You need to talk to your husband about your feelings. Start by saying...Maybe I am being a bit over-protective or even a bit over-sensitive, but I feel... when you mom does/says...

Initially after Amanda was born, my husband had to have all the tough conversations with her (such as you can't babysit alone) because he didn't want to harm my relationship with her. Now I tell him what I need to say to her and then I say it. Right now the big issue is that my mother watches Amanda two days a week and it isn't fair that she can't see her at least once a week. My response to my husband is she's right...drive your daughter down to see YOUR mother.

My next conversation with her has to be stop buying her CRAP everytime you come to visit her....

Good luck. Please keep in touch, we may be able to support each other through this crazy situation!!!

H.

iM NOT AN EXPERT BUT YOU SHOULD SPEAK TO YOUR HUSBAND ABOUT IT. MAYBE HE DOESNT REALIZE THERE IS A PROBLEM.ITS YOUR CHILD AND YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU LIKE WITH HIM. DONT WORRY ABOUT WHAT SHE THINKS.

A., im with u all the way!! i cannot stand my mom-inlaw, i have spoken to my husband about it, and its his mother so he doesnt see the evil, just try to ignore it and out a smile on ur face. my MIL- said that she didnt want to exchange gifts on xmas cause money was tight, so we just gave he a pic of the kids in a frame. we went to my sister inlaws house for a xmas celebration, a week before. my MIL bought each of my kids a 10$ shirt, and my BIL, and SIL got very expensive microwaves, and my MIL even bought my SIL boyfriend a shirt,a and nothing for my husband and i. my feelings were very hurt, i explained to my husband and he thought it was all a misunderstanding, and i was being ridicilious. but it wasnt the fact that we didnt recieve a gift, it was that she did it on purpose just because she has a problem with me?! for what is beyond me. so i just grin and bear it.

The most important person in this situation is your son. Try sitting down and talking with your husband in a relaxed setting. (It is also best that he is already in a relaxed mood, not cranky hungry, tired etc.) Maybe dinner or at the park. Open up the conversation with a positive note, and then ease your way into what has been bothering you. Try avoiding words like hate (instead use I am not really comfortable with) etc.
Good Luck!

I had a similar situation but your mother in law is the extreme. I think you two need to talk her and come to a common ground especially about rearing your child. Honestly, I would have flipped out if I saw my daughter in a swing and not strapped in properly. You should tell her that she makes you feel uncomfortable with your child alone with her because she's being careless. Of course, she'll mention the children (if she has more children), she reared fine. That's fine and dandy but you are your son's mother and she needs to respect your wishes. End of story

I really don't have any advice for you. I just wanted you to know I am in the same situation. I am sure we could exchange horror stories. :-( Best wishes to you!!

D.

First, take a deep breath.

Second: If your MIL is keeping track like a score-board how often she sees your son versus how often your side of the family sees him, that's her problem and it's something she needs to get over. Ignore it. It's not your problem, it's hers, and if she chooses to stress herself out over the "competition" then she's going to have to learn to deal with it. It's not your responsibility to make her feel better about that nor is it your responsibility to make things "equal."

Third: If you noticed she's doing something unsafe, such as not strapping the baby into his swing or baby chair, you can gently show her how to do it and calmly explain that you want him to be as safe as possible and you expect him to be strapped in every single time. Same with whatever other safety issue you have. My MIL is fond of putting baby's car seats on the table and I had to explain that the seat must ALWAYS be on the floor if the baby is in it, and I explained why. You really have to stand firm on safety issues, and you can't be afraid of hurting her feelings on safety issues. It's either your child's safety or her feelings. I know which I'd choose.

Lastly, if she's making comments about you that upset you, then your husband needs to tell her to knock it off. The next time she says something like "what did your mommy do to make you cry?" your husband needs to say "She didn't do anything, Mom. And you're hurting our feelings when you imply that A. is a bad mother. Please stop saying things like that."

I too had some feelings of dislike towards my now ex-mother-inlaw when I had my first son. She and my father-inlaw even asked how much I wanted for my son! They always wanted to take him for a "ride" and one time they were babysitting and left to go shopping without saying anything to me. I didn't even know where they were! But... After I relaxed from being a first time Mom, I realized that They loved my son and would not do anything to intentionally hurt him. Even though I felt they were over bearing at times. And after all they raised three kids of their own. One of them I loved enough to marry! Their kids all turned out to be pretty good people. I may not have always agreed with them but they are family. My advice to you is relax a little. Nothing you stated about your mother-in-law seems to be all that bad. She's not being too rough or mean to him. And she probley sences a conflict between the two of you and that's why she gives the child back to you when he cries. And I think you should maybe just say to her some of the things that bother you. Honesty is usually the best answer.

Hi A.,

OMG, that sounds like my MIL. From the inappropriate and unsafe comments and actions from her, my husband and I would not even think about leaving our daughter with her for more than 5 mins. My sisters and mother babysat for us, but I didn't care if she was jealous. Oh, yeah, I just love the "what did Mommy do to you?" comment, we heard that all the time. She also fed my daughter at 11mo. hot spicy food and then laughed when my baby started crying. I rated her childcare abilities to that of a 10 year old boy because of how inept and immature she was. I drafted a letter, I practiced a little speech, but in the end (my daughter is now 2 1/2)we just tried to control the situation around her more. I still have trouble with feeling like I have to constantly "correct" her. My husband is much better at ignoring her. I would definitely talk to your husband about it, but try not to make it about you, just the best for your baby. We often think, how did my husband survive as a baby? He must have had a lot of angels. Good luck. I wish there was a book that was titled, "This is how we do things now, Grandma."