Mother in Law

I have been married for over 20 years. The problem is not your mother in law. The problem is your husband. You need to tell YOUR husband to deal with HIS mother. That is not your responsibility. Your mother in law will love her son until the day she dies no matter what he ever says or does. You are a completely different story. If you make her mad she will hate you forever!

Let me tell you a story about MY daddy. My daddy took my husband out to his farm and showed him a beautiful place on the top of a hill with a view to die for and told my husband that is where we needed to build our home. It put my husband in a terrible position.

I went straight to the farm and told MY DADDY that I really appreciated his generous offer to us. But, I loved being a stay at home mommy and if we were going to build a house I would have to go back to work full time. I had 3 little children and a newborn baby that would not take a bottle and I did not want to work full time. I loved being home with my children. My daddy could hear it from me and he never said another word about us building a house next to his house on the farm. If my husband had said it he would have thought he was a DAWG and hated him forever!

There are things that I can say to MY DADDY that my husband never in a million years could say to daddy. There are things that my husband can say to HIS MOMMA that I never in a million years would get away with.

I walked back in the door that day and said to my husband...when MY DADDY gets out of line I will handle him. BUT, you are going to have to start handling YOUR MOMMA when she gets out of line because I have had enough of it and I don't think "mother-in-laws" are grounds for divorce in the state of Tennessee. He finally got it about his mother. He didn't like it. But, he finally got it. Talk to your husband. It is his job to handle HIS MOTHER. No matter what he ever says to her she will always love him. If you set her straight she will hate you forever! Don't forget it.

2 moms found this helpful

Well that is a sticky situation especially when the Mother-in-law is involved. The first thing I would do about it is pray! Pray that God will reconcile your relationship with her before the baby is born. I would not hinder her from coming to see the baby. I think that would make things worse. If she has always been there for the births then I wouldn't change that now. Have your husband take a stand with the situation. See if he can talk to her and possibly smooth things over. I know that fighting with your mother-in-law is not what you want to be doing right now, but sometimes you do have to be the bigger one and just let it go. Easier said then done, I know. I will pray for you that this situation will resolve. Just give it to God and He will handle it according to His Will! Take care and congrats on the baby!

1 mom found this helpful

I'd let your hubby take over from here! I'm sure he knows you have apologized and how she treated you during the apology?! He needs to play the guilt card.. No games intended.. And say hey mom I love my wife, she went the extra mile to apologize and you threw it back at her so if you want to be around when our baby comes you need to meet her halfway! If she doesn't then keep your distance for a while! He needs to protect you and stand behind you and your family! ( not that he hasn't but you didn't say much on that) LOL I wouldn't put up with her treating you like that!

Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

I wonder how your husband feels about the animosity between you and his mother. I don't get along very well with my mother in law and we too had a falling out. I don't think it was as bad as what you have described but it did happen. It was a long time before we could over come it as well. We kind of tip toed around each other and just avoided each other when we could. We spoke as little as we had to. It bothered me so badly that I would constantly talk about it to my husband until it finally bothered hi to be in between his mother and his wife. After a long crying talk with my husband we decided that it was his responsibility to defend his wife when he too felt that his mother was being rude. He took her to lunch and told her that he was really happy and that he wanted her to understand that he loved his wife, his family, and his life. He told her that it was time for her to back off and stop judging and telling us what she thought we should do about raising our kids. She did not take it well at first but did show signs of improvement. A couple years later we just know what topics to talk about. If she brings up something that I do not like, I either excuse myself and leave the room, ask my husband what he thinks (b/c he will tell her that we do it 'this way') or I politely say, "well, we thought about that but we think ??? is working out for us but I will keep your suggestion in mind for next time". I would suggest either your husband talks to her or maybe you write a letter of your feelings. Do not rehash what happened, do not rehash that you don't agree with her...just take a respesctful stand on your position. Basically a letter stating that you are very sorry for the episode that ensued the last time you spoke. Tell her that your emotions got the best of you and although you still do not feel the situation was handled well, you are sorry for your part in it. Tell her that although you appreciate the fact that she cares enough to give her opinion, she must also trust that her son and the wife he chose are perfectly capable of being good parents, just as she was to her son. Tell her that you really want a relationship to work with her but if the two personalities do not mesh, it is ok to agree to disagree. As far as them staying with you, I think that will work itself out....she may decide not to come. If she does come, you be polite, remember this is your husband's mother and speak as little as possible. Get some rest away from her when you can and keep busy. Invite friends or family over to help with the conversations and maybe she will spend most of her time w/ her husband or with your other children. The letter may make you feel better if nothing else. Good luck, in the long run, when she is gone, this will be so trivial. Just be mature and respectful as much as you possibly can....and IF she really is THAT rude, your husband needs to take care of it!

1 mom found this helpful

Maybe have your husband help you with the issue, maybe insist they stay in a hotel when they come for the birth of the baby so they are not in your house all the time. I hope it all works out!

1 mom found this helpful

Could you start a new tradition - your mother-in-law and her husband could stay in a motel for their visit - a few weeks after the baby is born? Come on, give yourself and your family a break! Trust your instincts - yes, you and your new baby and family need time alone to bond. And you might have jealousy issues with your other children over the baby, your husband will have his hands full helping you with the newborn, dealing with the other children not to mention cooking, cleaning and working - how on earth is he going to keep you happy and his mother happy?! You and your baby are so much more important than your mother-in-law! Please don't stress out about it! Let your husband deal with his mother - and this is coming to you from someone extremely fond of her own mother-in-law. I wish you could have her for your mother-in-law! Let some time pass and then maybe reach out again to you mother-in-law. Maybe she'll forget it all or at least chalk it up to your pregnancy? Remember, you and yours are the most important!

1 mom found this helpful

I read all the replies and advice and agree with most of it. One person said, "If she is unwilling to cooperate, then you have to put your children and family first. " I would reword that to say, "then you have to put your HUSBAND and your children first." When two people marry, they are to cleave to their spouse above ALL others.

I've been married twice (18 years and now 26 years and going strong). Both MiLs were wonderful, thank heaven. Your situation is strained, to be sure, but I doubt it will get better in the next four or six months without your husband telling HIS mother what the rules are in YOUR home.

Think about the fact that you will be home with a newborn, with other kids who aren't really sure how this new kid is going to change their lives! You will be postpartum, hormonally. If you're breast-feeding, the last thing you need is added stress. I totally agree with those who said you and hubby need to develop some guidelines NOW and HE needs to convey these guidelines to his family while you convey them to your family.

That said, unless you live in a veritable mansion where space is not an issue, it would seem best if your MiL stayed elsewhere for this visit. I hope you and hubby can talk about this and come to an agreement very soon! Good luck! Please let us know how everything went -- in about six months!

1 mom found this helpful

Just a suggestion:
Have your husband talk to his parents and tell them that now that there are more of you in the home, with a newborn, it can be more stressful and that perhaps they can get a room at a nearby hotel and still visit with you and the baby. You and your family and especially the baby do not need the added stress of them staying there and walking on eggshells. This way they still get to be there for the big event and out of your hair as well. Just my 2 cents. A.

1 mom found this helpful

I'm 64, we did it ourselves, had the babies, no one came and rained on our parade. Time to take a stand young woman. It is your birth, your house, and your children. Have hubby tell her no, or you call and tell her in no uncertain terms that company right then is not welcome, and you will have them come when you are ready. It is sad that family treat family and say things that we would never say to casual friends. Unfortunately, that is how life is. It does take awhile to get over things. I got into it with my dil once too, she was the insulter. We didn't visit for quite awhile. Now we are fine. Good luck, you have a lot on your plate.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi H.,
While I do agree with the idea that your husband should be involved in this (it is HIS mother, after all), I also think that ultimately this is down to the personal relationship between YOU and HER, so it's up to the two of you to handle it. The two of you have to establish the "rules" for your own relationship. If I were you, I would not have her visit my home as though nothing was wrong. Something IS wrong, and there's no reason you should have to pretend otherwise. You were big enough to admit it and apologize for your part in it. She owes you the same respect. She owes your relationship the same respect. I see no reason to hold back on letting her know that you expect (and deserve!) that level of respect. If you try to just bite your tongue and act like everything's ok when it's not, you'll be miserable, and nothing will ever change. You may "get over it" in time, but the relationship will still be strained and phony. If you stand up for yourself, the relationship may still be strained, but at least it won't be phony, and I think you'll feel much better.

I do agree that your husband should share some involvement in this, but I don't think it should be all down to him. Obviously, it is HIS mother, and it sounds like he's the only reason you have a relationship with this woman in the first place, so it's reasonable to expect his involvement in it. He should be on your "team"... backing you up, and possibly being the one to tell them not to come stay with you. After all, he is the "diplomat" who she is much more likely to receive well, and he can explain to her exactly WHY they're not invited to stay. That will let her see that you two are united on the decision, and it's not just you being bitchy or something. It shows that HE thinks you're owed an apology (and more courtesy in general), so the point might hit home a little more. But beyond that level of involvement for your husband, I do think it's really up to you. Don't be shy about standing up for yourself. It's not always easy, but it's worth it in the long run.
Good luck!!

1 mom found this helpful

MILs are difficult. It is true your husband should talk to his mom, however, not all husbands have the relationship with the mother to do that. I say that because it happened to me. I was pregnant with my one and only son when my MIL found out my father-in-law had cancer and was going through treatment and drs visits. She had always said that she would be the first to die out of the two of them because she always had issues. (that is another whole story). She made most of my pregnancy miserable. After my son was born, she said some things that truly hurt my feelings. I tried to get my husband to talk to her and he didn't see what the big issue was. It resulted in me withdrawing from the relationship for almost 5 years. I never allowed it to harm the relationship with my husband or son, but I just wasn't going to put myself in the situation for her to use me as a punching bag anymore. I made my husband send cards for special occassions, even if I bought them. I had always been the one to do that. There was even a point where I was so upset with her, I told him he had to just handle the card thing...buy and send. My FIL died and she was miserable for many years. It finally took my attitude of trying to forgive her and accept her the way she was and promise myself not to allow her to treat me that way again.
She did like to pit family members against each other so when I stepped back and realized that, it helped me get out of the situation. Things are different with your family now that you have two children and one on the way. You can make the game plans for when the new baby arrives. If you stay at the hospital for anytime, invite them there to see the baby and let that be it. It is completely normal for you to cry when you come home. It can be post partum depression, but it is also a whole new situation for you and your family to adjust too. It should be a time for the five of you to get settled and into a new routine. You don't need extra people there making it difficult, even if they are well intentioned or not. Have them stay with other family if you have any close by or get a hotel. You need your space minus their drama. It is your house and you should rule it as you wish. The MIL isn't the parent of your children, you are. In the long run, I hope your husband can talk to her.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi H.,

I had the exact same situation when I was pregnant with my second child. I had 5 months to the delivery date and IT happened (that was 18 years ago).

Without knowing all the details of the relationship and the occurence, it appears to me that your MIL is controlling, a bully and very insecure; give her an inch and she will take a mile (or more) kind of person.

Here is what happened with me. We had only been married for a few years; already had one child. When my husband's birthday rolled around I called to get a recipe for a dish that was his favorite. She said she didn't have any recipe's written down she just throws everything together and just goes by looks. "Besides," she said to me, "I (alot of emphasis on I) was going to make him supper for his birthday." I grit my teeth, took a deep breath and told her that while it was really nice of her to do that, she could send it home with him and we would eat it another night because I was going to make my husband supper and that is what we were going to eat that night. She then proceeded to tell me that she was HIS mother, said some pretty terrible things to me (left me in tears), and how dare I speak to her like that and treat her that way!

Now, most of you reading this will think that I should have just let her make him supper and not say a word. WRONG! This wasn't about supper; it was clearly about control. Everyone in the family NEVER stood up to this woman (even her husband). They always kept their mouth shut and then talked about it when she wasn't there and said she has always been that way and better to just leave her alone. Call me crazy and stupid but I wasn't going to live the rest of my life that way until she or I died. It also isn't the way God tells us how to handle things AND this was not the first time she had tried to get her way and I had always been extremely careful not to "rock the boat". I was polite and nice in EVERY way and she didn't like it because I was telling her "no".

The first was when we were getting married and making all the plans. I chose a pale pink color for the wedding; she didn't like that. She took me in the other room to show me a dress that she already had and told me how well it fit her and how much she loved that dress; along with the comment, "Peach is such a much prettier color don't you think?!" I knew then it wasn't going to be easy. At the age of 23 I truly didn't know how difficult it could get. I stood my ground and went with pink.

When my husband got home that night he already knew what had happened, see, he worked for his mother and father so when she hung up with me she, naturally, told him what I had done/said. He said that I needed to call her and apologize to his mother. The way I saw it I did nothing wrong and I surely wasn't going to apologize; she needed to be the one to apologize to me. I proceeded to tell my husband the truth about how it all happened. He still said that I needed to be the one to apologize because she never would and it would be better for everyone if I just did.

I wasn't going to do it; it wasn't the right thing to do. Everyone had always placated this woman and that wasn't right. So, I stood my ground. I also told my husband that he needed to talk to her. Remind her that he was married to me and not her. That he had a family now and his life didn't/doesn't revolve around his mama. She doesn't make decisions for us. Tell her that she could certainly make him something to eat for his birthday but that he was going to eat what I cooked for him for his birthday and that hers would be eaten another night and that she owed me an apology. Until she gave me that apology she was not going to be allowed in my house. I wouldn't go or be anywhere that she was (way too stressful) and she certainly wouldn't be allowed around me for the rest of my pregnancy and even when and after I had the baby. It was up to her if she wanted to see her next grandchild. And if he wanted to stick by his mother and be a mama's boy then he knew where the door was.

He had that conversation with his mama. I didn't speak to or hear from her for 4 months. As it got closer to the birth of our 2nd child, she realized I wasn't going to back down from the boundaries I had set and that she wasn't going to be allowed to treat me that way. She also realized that her son was going to stand by his wife. I had one month to go to the delivery date and was put on bed rest. She called and wanted to come see me to talk. She came over and she apologized. Keep in mind she apologized in her own way; she never came out and said she was sorry - but you have to be able to recognize what she was saying and how she was saying it.

My MIL had/has many issues. She thought, as some MIL's do, that she was losing her son and that he wouldn't love her as much anymore and that I wasn't good enough for her son etc. The more control she tried to have the more she lost her son.

I am a firm believer in setting boundaries and you teach people how to treat you. I am a Christian woman who is now 44 and have learned many things over my lifetime; lots of trial and error. Jesus had boundaries, and it is OK for you to have boundaries, too. Your husband needs to talk to his mother. She needs to realize that the two of you stand together and that he supports you. That his support for you doesn't mean he loves her any less. That she won't be allowed to come between the two of you and your family and that she will not be allowed to talk/treat you in that manner ever again or there will be consequences. You and your husband should have the consequences already figured out prior to him speaking with his mother. You must be committed to your decision and not waiver. If you waiver then you show her you don't mean what you say. Once she truly realizes you mean what you say you can then begin to have a relationship with her. YOU set the terms.

If I had to do it all over again I'd do it exactly the same way. Bottom line is it is up to you and your husband to decide how you are going to let your MIL treat you and your family. How you handle this situation will greatly effect the future of you and your husband's relationship, you and your MIL's relationship and your MIL's and children's relationship.

I didn't make my decision with the intent to get back at her. Yes, I was clearly hurt, however, my health and the baby's health was far more important than her feelings; during and after the pregnancy. Don't let her bully you into making a decision which will only contribute to additional stress being added. If you start to feel guilty it is a false sense of guilt. You already apologized for what you said and how you acted. You meant it. You shouldn't apologize again. She should have accepted your apology and been done with it.

You have to make decisions based upon other people's actions and inactions. She has chosen her path. You have to make decisions based upon her path because it has affected and will affect your life. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not allowing people to treat you like that (related or not). If you choose to let her back in you need to have clear, set boundaries.

I will say a prayer that God will give you guidance in this decision and things can be worked out. The birth of a child is a miraculous and wonderful event and it would be quite sad should your MIL choose not to be a part of it because she chooses not to change her behavior.

God bless you and your family,
Kim

1 mom found this helpful

Boy, you hit on a 'hot topic'! LOL

First, since your husband told her to 'drop it' -- and she didn't, then I believe that HE should tell her -- NOW -- that unless she straightens things out with YOU, then she won't be welcome when the baby comes -- tradition or not. A woman should ONLY be surrounded by the most kind, peaceful, helpful, and loving people when she's just had a baby!!

On the other hand, you do need to regain/retain a working relationship with your MIL. I would suggest that you write her a letter (so that you can say everything you DO want to say, and you won't say anything you DON'T want to say).

There are 5 'love languages' that speak 'love' to us:
(Words of affirmation, Giving gifts, Quality time, Physical touch, and Acts of Service), and there are also 5 'apology languages':

Expressing Regret: “I am sorry”
Accepting Responsibility: “I was wrong”
Making Restitution: “What can I do to make it right?”
Genuinely Repenting: “I’ll try not to do that again”
Requesting Forgiveness: “Will you please forgive me?”

Until you know someone really well, you won't know which one (or combination of more than one) is going to soften the other's heart, so write her a heartfelt letter, and try them all (beyond saying, "I'm sorry") and see what works. This will help for future reference, also.

Take as long as you need to to get your own attitude 'right' in writing -- and you'll KNOW when it is! (Thank God for word processors where you can add or delete as much as you need to! Rant and rave all you want, then EDIT, EDIT, EDIT! LOL)

Try to (ultimately) start it out by saying some positive things about her -- traits/habits she instilled into your husband that you appreciate, generosity, stick-to-it-iveness, boldness, etc: whatever you consider 'good points' about her (even if they sometimes irritate you! LOL).

Go on to say that you know it's no 'excuse' that you are 'hormonal', but it is a REASON for you to be irrational (and remind her that she was forewarned by her son).

God bless, and I hope it all works out for everyone's happiness and even greater family solidarity.

P.S. And I agree with everything the posters before and after mine wrote, except (obviously) the part(s) about 'you have already apologized' and that is sufficient. I do believe you should make sure that you apologize to her in her 'language'.

You sound like you have already figured it out. You are very kind to take the high road, and very lucky to have a husband who supports you and is realistic enough of him mom to tell her to drop the issue. While she is at your home (and she will be because you know the friction and issue not having her there will create for years and years to come - as in forever), make sure your husband is there to help modify or lessen her actions. He can be your go to for knowing nods and exasperated but laughing "get a load of this chick" looks. Keep her busy with her grandkids. You are a very good person to see the issue for what it is and not take it personally and to know to be the more mature person. Make sure you get some MIL free time during her visit as well. Good luck!

I know that this won't help solve your dilemma but you said very little about how your husband fell about this entire mess with HIS mother. He needs to step in and do something such as inform his mother that she has overstepped and is not welcome in his home until she learns to behave properly. She is not your problem, the health of your baby is your #1 priority, her feelings are not.

Hi H. - I agree with the posts that suggest that your husband needs to have a talk with his mother and maybe even both parents, together. From what you've written, it sounds as though he did try to interject and tell her to drop the subject, but that she ignored his request. I'd either have him talk to her alone, or have the both of you sit down with her and explain that you apologized and that unless she can accept it, apologize to you and put it behind her, that you'll have to see how things stand closer to when the baby is born as far as their visit is concerned. But, you also need to be willing to put it behind you if you are going to ask her to do so. There has obviously been tension in your relationship with her for a long time, so try to resolve the differences so that everyone, kids included, can be more comfortable with visits, but you both have to be willing to meet halfway. I don't think you have to 'fix' everything and become best friends - may not be possible, but make the effort to make things comfortable. If she is unwilling to cooperate, then you have to put your children and family first. I wouldn't suggest trying to pretend it never happened, though, because it's obviously bothering you to a great degree and if it isn't addressed in some way, it will probably fester and you might find yourself past that point of no return. I encourage you to have your husband try to talk to her again about the situation. Good luck.

By the sheer number of replies, I'm sure you can see that lots of us have troubles with our in laws. We all have heartbreaking stories to share about our own trials and some reasonable, some not, opinions and advice to share.

I'm going to echo a couple of other posts just to hope that this might give you some kind of "majority" of thought. Your mom and dad = you set the record straight. His mom and dad = he sets the record straight. Going forward you just need to make sure that you and your conscience are in good standing. None of us ever get to control what other people do and say.

I would also echo that no matter what the family tradition says, if you are not in a firmly peaceful state of mind about a visit when your baby is born - they should not come and stay for week and definately not in your house. Even if they stay in a motel for a week - where are they going to be every day all day? I get so upset when people don't respect that pregnancy and birth is extremely hard work emotionally and physically. You draw your boundaries wherever you feel is best and explain it as best you can to your husband, so that he knows it isn't personal towards him and doesn't mean you love him less.

Concentrate on your family and your relationship with your husband. If he isn't willing or just isn't successful in buffering between you and his mom, limit your contact with her. Don't visit, call, etc. without him there. Don't have one on one discussions with her. If she starts an argument, don't respond. You could pretend you didn't hear her or start leaving immediately. Say to your husband "wow, honey, look at the time, we really have to get going!" You can agree with him beforehand that is she starts anything, you will give him the sign and you'll all head out. If she begins trying to influence your children against you, this is very serious trouble. Your husband still should handle her directly. For your part, severly limit contact with her that isn't supervised by your husband - not by you. Remember, his mom and dad = his responsibility.

I sincerely hope that you and your baby stay healthy and peaceful for the remainder of your pregnancy.

M.

I think you have no choice but to invite them to come for the birth (or you won't live it down forever) but it should be on YOUR terms. You are the mother, the wife and it is YOUR home. Don't let her intimidate you. I would either call her (or if that's too emotional write her a letter and tell her why you're writing instead of calling) OR have your husband call her and explain. I would say that you value her as a mother in law, grandmother, blah blah blah (remember she'll use this against you if it's not very carefully worded) but, given what has transpired, you are fearful of a difficult situation which you must, at all costs, avoid. Therefore while she is more than welcome in your home, you are hopeful and quite frankly expect that there will not be any bad blood or rehashing of the old argument under your roof. With that said, you hope everyone can move forward in a positive way. Good luck!!

H., I am sorry to hear about the situation. I can relate in 2 ways. My ex-mother-in-law from my first marriage was just like that and my own mother has treated my husband the same way. After the birth of my oldest daughter, my ex-M-i-L came to visit and treated me like dirt and made me feel worthless as a new mom. So my advice to you is this- The most important thing after your new baby arrives is the health (physically AND mentally) of you and the baby no matter who might get offended (your family or his). The second most important thing is your marriage. So you need to talk to your husband about how you feel and get his help in dealing with his mom. It may not be easy for him so stay understanding and keep an open ear to what he has to say too. But if the 2 of you stick together it will make a world of difference in how well you can handle things once the baby is here. Good luck and God bless you and your family.
Barb

Dear H.,

I feel for you. Thank God your husband is supportive. I've also been in similar situations.
Please, don't feel guilty about HER attacks in response to anything you said. Don't blame yourself for her actions. She's supposed to be a grown up. You can't afford to worry about pleasing her when you have enough on your plate.

I agree with the other respondents who suggest that your husband mediate while supporting you and your perspective.

YOU'VE GOT THE UPPER HAND.
IF SHE WANTS TO SPEND TIME AROUND HER GRANDCHILDREN, SHE HAS TO BEHAVE HERSELF AROUND THEIR MOTHER. SHE MUST TREAT YOU WITH RESPECT.

Although, she needs to learn to change her behavior around you, now is not the right time to practice. Please, don't let her come to stay with you when you deliver. You don't need the additional stress. Wait until your household is more stable, that is, wait until the newborn is at least a couple of months old.
And, if she doesn't like having you in control of your own household, she should not be welcome in your house.

Print a copy of your Mamasource letter and all of our responses to you (I'm number 45) and forward them to her. Let her learn how you and your husband are receiving strong emotional support for your decision-making from other moms around the country.

Good luck with your family. Let us know what happens!

Have your husband make it clear to his parents that they are more than welcome to come to your town, stay in a motel (find a few reasonable ones to recommend) and greet their new grandchild. Their "traditions" don't give her the right to treat you badly or stay in your home, or ruin your first days with your precious new baby. He can use whatever excuses he wants for why they can't stay in the home (too crowded, stressful or whatever), but you shouldn't have to put up with nonsense and venom like that. A lot of older people lose their manners (if they ever had any) and think that because they are old, they have the right to push everyone around and be rude. I disagree. If they can't behave, they lose certain privileges.

However, if she shaped up sufficiently before the birth and apologized to you and you were reasonably confident she would be on good behavior, then if you were comfortable you might let them stay with you, but only if! There's a book called "Boundaries" that you might read (in all your spare time) about dealing with overreaching relatives.

Hello H.,

One of the things I learned very early in my marriage was that mothers must maintain control over the environment their kids grow up in. I was blessed with a great mother and a wonderful mother in-law so I don't have the concerns that you have. But I learned from both my mother and my mother in-law to steer away from pushy people when raising my kids for a number of reasons but what stayed with me more than any of those reasons were these;

1. Pushy people cause you to act unbecoming and your kids will pick up on that and think that they must act in anger to resolve matters, or

2. Pushy people cause you to act cowardly and brings on a spirit of depression that your kids will pick up on and they will believe that they should accept being bullied.

These two things I would never want for my kids, so when my pushy sister in-law showed up, I left and if and when I was asked why I was leaving, I was honest about why.

This, I admit was difficult for my husband because he and his sister were very close, but in the end, my telling him that my re-action to her actions caused more problems in our home than it helped and to sustain our marriage, it was better for me to avoid her than to deal with her

Talk to your husband, he may feel the same way and that "ritual visit" after birth may not have to happen in your home. I would not allow it in my home and my husband was understanding of this.

I know exactly how you feel and I am so sorry you had to go through that. But my mother-in-law didn't back down until my husband told her that she had pretty much said enough. Sounds like it may take your husband talking to her and letting her know that if she wants to be there for the birth of y'alls baby she needs to apologize to you and keep her thoughts and opinions to herself, not be mean in the way he says it, I too am hormonal right now so my emotions are coming out in this cause I am pregnant and due in 3 weeks so overlook the moodiness in this I just feel bad for you and can't stand it when someone gets treated the way you have. So talk to your husband and see if he will talk to his mother and try to get things worked out if you start now maybe in the next four months you can get it all worked out and everyone will be happier. I hope this helps and I wish you luck with the rest of your pregnancy and your mother-in -law.

Dont have her come. I went through a similar thing with the birth of my first son and spent the first few days hiding in my room and crying. It impacted the relationship with my mother for years. You know best for your family, dont invite them out of guilt or obligation. You could offer a visit 'in a few weeks' when things get settled down and make sure most of it is over a weekend when your husband is there. Im playing my cards differently this time around. Good luck.

H.,

First, you did the right thing by stepping up and apologizing for your part in escalating the argument and the choice of words that you might otherwise not have used on a "less demanding" day. It's not your problem if your mother-in-law chooses to be a child and throw your apologies back at your face and add insults instead of being constructive and apologizing for her part. It's obvious she has to be the "winner," have the last word, and thinks that she is entitled to inappropriately cross the line into your lives. Obviously, she also thinks that what she thinks or wants is right, and that your stance is wrong. Translated: she doesn't respect you or your wishes very much. My guess is that her husband is a doormat, and that your husband, her son, would rather have her "drop the issues" and avoid conflict as much as possible rather than putting her in her place and making her actions have consequences when she chooses to disrespect you...his love and life partner. It's easier to do that, no doubt, but it encourages more of the same behavior, and it sends the message that it's o.k. to treat you like less of a person, when in fact you are his queen and should be defended first and foremost. I'm sure he's a wonderful man...and it's obvious that you come first to him. I'm not putting him down in any way. I'm just saying that he's accustomed to her behavior, probably had a lot of it to deal with when he was growing up, and as a human being, naturally takes the path of least resistance to deal with her when she steps out of the box. That's easier, but it enables his mother.

I like Dr. Phil McGraw very much. I think his tv show ran out of content after 2 seasons, so the guests he now has and their relevance to everyday people who can relate is somewhat diminished these days, but he spoke to me one day when I was watching his show. He said to a couple with parent/in-law conflicts, "I believe that grandparents have a place and are important in the lives of their granchildren, PROVIDED that they are healthy. If they're not healthy, then they can have a bad impact and it is the job of the parents to limit the exposure to their children until and unless the grandparents are willing to make some changes and get healthy." So there you have it from a professional psycologist.

I had to make that choice for our daughter, now 4 years old, as well as for my marriage. I made it when our daughter was 9 months old, which, incidentally was the first and only time she has seen my father and stepmother. The door is open to my father, if he will step up and act appropriately, and treat my spouse (and me) with a dignified level of respect, as well as to stop his manipulation. To date, it has been more important to him to remain defiant, blame me for the deteriorated condition of our relationship, and to stay out of our lives...that's his choice...and he has only one child (me) and this one grandchild (our daughter)...unbelieveable, isn't it. I wish things were different, but they're not. While it is difficult to understand his choices at times, I know I'm not perpetuating another generation of the same behavior, choices and lifestyle that he comes from for my daughter, and that gives me great peace. My spouse is in a great place in life as am I, and our marriage is in a great place, and we are providing a HEALTHY environment for our daughter with her other HEALTHY grandparents. I have no guilt about it, because I've done all I can do and the right things to do...and my father still chooses to live and be as he is. The key is, he no longer drags us down with him into the dark place that he is in. He can act like a child in his home in Florida, but not here.

Screw "tradition" and the stress and anxiety that will come with it. Your responsibilities are to your new baby, to your children, to your husband, and to you. Let her come around, if she chooses too. In the interim, your husband needs to be an integral part of keeping her in check (she is his mother, not yours), and to convey to her that it is no longer appropriate and acceptable to treat his wife this way, and that if she chooses to do so she needs to be prepared to live with the consequences. Life is about choices, and for every choice we make there are consequences that result. For what it's worth, given your relationship with your mother-in-law, it's probably a good thing that she lives further away.

Be strong.

I think I would ask that my husband talk to her, and let her know that if she can't be cordial and respect your feelings that she is not welcome. You don't deserve those precious first moments with your new one to be uneasy and they are susposed to be special!!! I understand they are her grandchildren but they are your babies and she should respect that. I don't know if this helps but I hope everything works out for you and your family.

H.,
Kudos to you for apologizing right away. Enlist your husband to mediate and talk to her about the health and well being of his wife and children. I would encourage you to let her come for the birth visit. Pray for yourself to have a forgiving heart. I know that it is easier said than done but forgiveness is such a wonderful thing and you will feel so much better. If your husband is the oldest or first child to get married it is hard to give up that child to a wife especially if your MIL is a controlling type of person. You are probably right that if the visit is not allowed you will have years ahead of you trying to mend fences. Just remember that your in laws will only be there a short time. Just a side note, my parents have been married to only each other for 45 years. My Mom and Grandma get along now but if you ask Grandma she will still to this day tell you that NO ONE is good enough for her son. I have all sons and even though they are young men now I hope to never have that mentality towards the women they choose for a wife. Could your MIL have that mentality towards her sons wife? If she does, there is nothing you can do to change her feelings, your relationship with her will definitely be you giving much more than she does. God Bless you for being the bigger person to apologize and may your MIL come to her senses and realize that you are a good person and most of all a blessing to the family.

Have your husband deal with it. Your house, your rules. She can't disrespect you and expect for you to be around her, especially with your kids.

Your husband needs to tell talk with her. And if she still won't listen I don't think you should have the negativity around - baby born or not. Stress on you is bad for the baby.!! If you apologized and meant it, it is all about her. You can't make her do anything. She sounds very selfish.

Let me tell you sweet pea, I also have a VERY over bearing monster in law, and she is belgian!! they are the worst!! we've been married almost 9 years now, and thru two pregnancies. When we first got married, I moved to belgium to begin our life together. He had just bought an old house and had already begun ripping it apart for a big remodel. and there i was stuck in them middle. She always spoke dutch and so did my husband and his step dad. i felt so lost, i began to learn dutch at a university in Antwerpen on just my fourth day there in 'their' country, and when she felt like i wasn't learning fast enough or trying hard enough, she let me know. she also let me know that 'everyone' fells like i am a snob!! and that i need to try harder to do everything 'the belgian' way, she rings in my head somethings, "No, no no, LG (actually my initials are LJ, but she always said LG), you don't do this like that, or make this that way, here i'll show you how, and then you'll know the right way, or the belgian way!!" I was already 27 years old at the time and had live on my own for a long time and had MY system of doing things, cleaning, laundry, cooking, anything!!! i did NOTHING right!! and she let me know!! i hated her so much for being soooo pushy!!! she hurt my feelings almost every day, i practly cried everyday, she made me miserable!! and there was NOTHING i could do, because no one wanted to confront her because everyong knew she is 'like that':) when i became pregnant, she sent six boxes of very old, VERY used and worn out infant clothes home with us. even thought i had three baby parties!! even back here in the states when i came for a visit, and received really nice, brand new things for my first child!!:) she made a hugh fuss that i didn't take enought clothes, that i needed at least 5 infant outfits daily to keep up the baby!!! what the heck??!! and instead of talking to ME, she would just talk to my husband and get him all upset about it, and then he would come get upset at me!!! and once, at her hosue, she speaks english by the way, i used her toilet and didn't replace the toilet paper, and she got upset at my husband, and then he yelled at me about it!!! what the heck, it's not house, i don't know where the TP is!! man oh man, so i finally got my husband to move us over here back to the United States< yeah!!! and when i became pregnant with my second child, and my husband and i were so busy with our first who has special needs, and he was very busy with his now job trying to make a name for himself at this company, she got all bent out of shape that we didnt' call and email once a week!! and then she sent this nasty email!! i only saw it because my compter brokedown, and i checked my email on his compter, and usually he didnt' even check his, but rarely for work, but this one time he left it on under his name, so he went to bed and i went to check my email, but his came up and the first email automatcally opens, and i saw the word for gandpa, and his grandpas name, and thought, oh no, here it comes, his gone, but he was just starting to be sick, he did die a couple of months later. but then i saw MY name down a bit further in the mail, so I kept reading, and whan she said about me there hurt my feelings sooo bad, i cried for hours, called my mom and translated it to her, and my monster in law was to come visit after the baby is born, so how dumb is that to insult me, and my husband kind of agreed with her! she always jumps to conclusions, and reacts to fast with out asking what's up....she said i didn't appreciate my husband, that if push came to shove that i would leave him if i didn't get my way, so i sent her email to all my belgian friends and even my husband's real dad's new wife!!! i was so mad. i hate her!! but, when she comes to visit, i just slap on a smile and greet her, and pretend she never hurt my feelings or made me cry. when ever her name is said, my first child remembers me crying for days, and i told him why, he is 5 and still doesn't talk properly yet, but he signs hurt feelings and cry!!! LOL
i really do hate her! but i try to be the bigger person, and just let it go, i've got my husband, and he listens to me now, and i am happy with him. she tried to break us up!!! did i mention i hate her?? because i really do:)
anyway, i dont' have any real advice for you, but your are not alone!:) good luck, and just try to keep yourself calm when your child is older, you'll go thrue some horrible hormone adjustments for the couple of months, up to a year!! just start crying in front your monster in law, and tell her why, show her you're human, because when the baby grows up a bit, you'll want her to help and since she lives far away, she'll want to send stuff or buy stuff, and get your husband to tell her want to send:) I got my monster in law to buy my son the whole Signing Time DVD set which is 26 DVD's at almost $500.00!!:)
anyway goodluck:)

IMHO, I think it would be a mistake to not have her there when your child is born, however, I do think clear boundaries should be set. This needs to be established by your husband. They should be there to help during this time, not make things harder. The decisions of you and your husband are not to be argued or debated. This is your time and you are happy for them to be a part of it as long as that is understood. There will be no disrespect, snide comments, undermining or any passive aggressive moves on either part. It should be understood that you will be on edge, hormonal, sleep deprived with the baby and possibly on edge with her there due to the last encounter.

Lay it all on the table. Be forthcoming and upfront about the way you feel and your expectations. Let her know that you don't want to create a wedge. If she can get past her own grudges she will understand that.

Good luck!

sweetie, you cannot be held accountable and as a mother, she should know what you're going through and that you don't need her attitude.
I'm glad to hear that your husband supports you.

If I were you, I would wait and see until about a month before they are to come. If you're still feeling this way about her, your husband needs to be the one to talk to her. it can be done in a really nice way "mom, H. is really stressed out with the new baby and the doctor says that it's critical that she not be bothered by nagging, insulting old ladies. So please, keep it down" :) but your husband should be able to come up with something respectful to gently remind her that you have just had a baby and need some rest. butti's definately HIS job to do. If you are the one to say something, she will most definately take offense, but if it comes from him, it takes you out of the mix.

Good luck, darlin...at least you only have ONE mother in law *sigh*

My advice, which I base on dealing with very temperamental in-laws as well, is to not start dreading something four months down the road. Deal with the present for now. For now, you know that your mother-in-law is not in a forgiving mood, even though you recognize why you said what you said and that it was out of line. You have done your part by apologizing. Keep your distance from her since she is obviously not ready to let it go, and remember that you have done your part regardless of how she behaves from here on out. However, your husband should follow up quickly with her and have a conversation with her about why she is not willing to forgive you. He needs to stand up for you and make it clear that you come first when it comes to a disagreement between her and you; he also needs to make it clear to her that she will not be welcome in your home if she is going to be nasty to you. This includes when the grandchild is born, and he needs to let her know that. It doesn't matter what the rest of the family thinks about it; this is between you, your husband, and your mother-in-law. If things are still not resolved when the baby is born, your husband should kindly let his parents know that you are in need of extra recovery time before they come to visit, especially since you have two other kids at home and will be adjusting to including another in your family. You need to put your family first, and that means creating as peaceful and healthy an environment as possible for all of you. If things are more or less resolved by the time your baby is born, just do what many other moms of newborns do about company they aren't ready to face: play the tired/nursing mom card and spend lots of time snoozing and cuddling with your baby alone and let the in-laws entertain your other kids while you rest. The visit may seem long, but the week will be over soon enough and you will get through it. I know from experience how much anxiety these things can cause, but it will pass in time. Good luck.

H.,
Let your husband be your shield. I have been through many similar situations with my mother-in-law. Let me give you a little history....my husband and I have been married for 15 years....until year 12 there was underlying stress between my M-I-L and me, but nothing major...just personality differences and I typically laughed it off. Well during our 12th year of marriage, my husband deployed for 15 months...and he was not there as a buffer. I tried very hard to ignore most of what was said or done...but one MAJOR incident happened while my husband was home for Mid-tour leave....and sparks flew everywhere....for the duration of his deployment, I did rarely called to talk to his mom...I always called to let the kids talk...my feeling is whatever is between the adults should NEVER affect the children. After my husband went back to Iraq from leave, i recieved a 10 page letter from my M-I-L outlining how the whole issue that had occured was my fault, not hers...AND she sent a photo copy of the letter to my husband. Needless to say it did not help heal the situation. Unfortunately, for many reasons, our relationship has not restored to its previous ease....I love my M-I-L dearly, but I do not allow myself to be put into potentially explosive situations without the buffer of my husband.

Have him talk to her, set some ground rules before their arrival and try to relax. The sweeter you are the better you will feel about yourself and the situation. Check into area hotels and see if that is an option...maybe your husband can approach the topic....

Good Luck!
T.

Absolutely have you husband help mediate. Be sure the two of you are on the same page so he can defend anything that needs defending.

Perhaps postpone thier visit for one week after the baby arrives... They will still get to see the newborn, but you can have the privacy for the first few days.

As another person suggested, have hubby talk to his mom & if she can not agree to behave, then reconsider the visit.

Not an easy position to be in. People tend to not be understanding when you need to protect yourself. Get your husband on board & have him be in charge of it. He will have to act as ref & run interference for you.

You should not have to say anything of consequence to her if she visits. And dont leave your self alone with her. IF hubby has to go to work, have a friend come over to be with you if possible.

P

Wow, this sounds familiar! That was my life for too many years. What I immediately hone in on, is where is your husband in all this? He should be more of a buffer between the two of you so there is not this much tension/drama. It is so important to have family to support each other and be there through lifes wonderful and difficult times. However, if there is someone in the mix that refuses to respect other people - there will always be that stress.

My suggestion would be first to try and figure out why your mother-in-law acts so difficult toward you AND also find out why you let her upset you so much. If they are coming to YOUR house, YOU make the rules. If you say something to her, mean what you say.

Life is full of difficult and controlling personalities. You need to pick your battles carefully, hold your head up high and NEVER give away your power.

HI H.,

I wish you had mentioned how long you had been married, that makes a huge difference. It doesn't sound as if your husband is willing to come to your defense and that is the key. HE needs to let his mother know that her behavior is unacceptable and that until she is willing to follow boundaries (set by you and your husband) that she is not welcome in your home. I'm not quite sure what to say about someone who is too small of a person to accept an apology when it is offered. This sounds a little like blackmail, but does she have any other grandchildren? As a mother herself, she should have realized that with you being pregnant, your emotions are in overdrive. Her unwillingness to cut you a break seems kind of cruel to me. I'm not sure I would want a person like this around my children. If your husband is young, he may be having a hard time distancing himself from his mother and standing up to her as an adult, an equal. He needs to do this. anything you say on your own, she will attribute to only you and insist that "her son" does not feel that way. I think you and your husband need to sit down together and come up with some boundaries for your mother-in-law: what is acceptable, what is not and what the consequences will be if she does not abide by your rules, especially in your house. Then present them to her together and stick to it. If she truly loves her son and her grandchildren she will abide by your rules. If not, don't waste your time. Your husband needs to switch his alliance from his parents to his wife and family. If he does not back you up on this, your life will be miserable. You have my support. Good luck! L.

Being a wife of a only-child husband with a over-powering mother I understand where you are coming from. In my situation, my in-laws live less than 1 mile away. My best advice is to let your husband handle your in-laws. Anything you say to them can be taken the wrong way, no matter how sweet you are trying to be. He knows them best and in their eyes can do no wrong. Remind your husband that you and your alls children are his family now and his parents are secondary. Tell him to tell his parents that he is the happiest he has ever been and his life is wonderful. Then have him talk about what is upsetting you and that it isn't fair for his mother to put him in the middle and that she should be acting as a role model rather than a nuisance (using a different word with the same effect). As for you, what I do is just bite my tongue and keep my distance (and my children's). When my mom-in-law goes through her times of tempor tantrums I don't speak to her for a while and I we stop all of our family time with them until she has time to cool off, which usually happens pretty quickly since she loves seeing her grandchildren. I am positive that the birth of your baby will be so important to her that she will get over her tantrum and start acting civilized so that she will be invited to come. You need to remember that this is your family and you are raising your kids how you want. If she tries to give you her input or make snide remarks, you can thank her for her advice and tell her you will consider it. Be strong and know you have the upper hand, if she wants to see your kids, she needs to act like an adult!

Hope this helps!

I would write a heartfelt letter and explain everything that you just wrote here to her. You could almost copy and paste what you wrote here, leaving out what you see fit.

Add that while you understand that you both have your differences and you want her included in your family's life, that it is important for you to have an apology from her and to get things back the way they were before (not perfect, but not needing an apology from her). Remind her that you apologized even though you didn't feel that everything was your fault and that you would appreciate the same.

Tell her that if she doesn't apologize, things are going to be much more strained and that unfortunately your family won't be spending as much time with her.

You could also say that the latest incident has you so upset that if this issue isn't resolved by an apology from her end, her time spent with you and the new baby will be very limited at the hospital; you could even let her know that you would prefer she wasn't even there because of how upset you feel.

If you weren't going through so much physically and emotionally, I would say to let the issue slide and ignore the fact that she didnt' apologize. But having had experience with non-apologizing relatives (when I have been the only one to say I'm sorry even when I wasn't at fault), what usually happens is that they get worse, even smug, when they haven't apologized, because in their mind, they were right and you were wrong, and then they make things worse.

You don't have to allow her near you during the birth of the baby. It is your choice. But I would advise you to make sure your husband stands by you or there could really be a lot of trouble ahead.

I don't know what your spiritual beliefs are, but prayer has always worked miracles for me.

Say a prayer that the Holy Spirit will infiltrate your family and your mother-in-law. Pray for peace and forgiveness. God won't ignore that.

Congrats on your soon-to-be-born baby and many blessings to you and your family.

I don't want to get into too much detail or a painfully long story, but I have experienced the very same thing with both my mother-in-law AND my father and step-mother. The way my husband and I dealt with the concern for future visits was that I first by talked to my husband and see if he had the same concerns about his mother's visit as I did. (If he had not, I would have informed him that I was not comfortable and that I expected him to talk with his mother and tell her that she would not be welcome in our home if she did not respect me as a mother, as an adult, and as her son's wife.) If your hubby does not share your concern, I would just TELL him that his mother needs to find somewhere else to stay, that way she can be there for the child's birth and you still have your space. It could be brought to her by asking her where she plans to stay while she is in town. My hubby actually had to have that conversation with his mother. As hard as that conversation was for him, it did illustrate to his mother that she was not free to do or say whatever she wanted to in our home. She did not end up in a hotel, and she was much more appropriate to me during the subsequent visit.
I obviously don't know the dynamics of the relationship between your husband and his mother, and the 'where are you staying' approach may or may not even be an option. My husband and his mother are really close-he is a huge momma's boy. He had a hard time telling her what he did, but he understands that his wife and child(ren) should be a higher priority to him than his mother. It sounds like the same is true of your husband since he told his mother to drop the issue during your visit with her.
I hope this helps. Good luck in your last trimester. I feel for you because the weather this time of year is so HOT ~:u)
Good luck, and have a safe and short labor!!
Please do not hesitate to e-mail me if you have any other questions-I would live to help in any way I can.....

Been there done that. I really truely feel for you. Walking on egg shells is not a good feeling. The only advice I can give you is that your husband will have to stand up for YOU. He needs to have a serious talk with his parents and let them know that this is stressful time for you and that when the baby comes you both want them there very much, but there is to be NO stress for you and the baby. If there is then HE has to think of his Family first. This seems like putting him in the middle, but this also seems like my EX-mother-in-law and she will only accepts things coming from him not you. My Ex thought that I was not her child but my ex-husband was her child so nothing was right with me, only him. So he needs to step up for you. NO matter how hard it gets you need to let him speak up ((( you stay silent ))). I know its hard but thats the only way I know how to do it.

Hi H.,
My mother in law and I just recently had a huge fight so we are kinda in the same boat. They sound like they are a lot alike. My best suggestion to you is to let them come see the baby when he is born, but tell them it is a rough time for your family and while they are welcome to visit the baby they have to stay in a hotel not your home. If they cannot respect that you have needs and feelings too then maybe they should not come at all even if it does make them angry or hurt. For your new baby and family's sake you need to put your feeling first or it will end up hurting everyone involved. Hope this helped.

Boy, does that sound just like my situation! My husband and I have been married for just about 7 years now and I've always had a ruff relationship with my mother-in-law. She's always said sly insulting remarks to me, but I always let them slide. I don't like confrontation and I just thought maybe she'd come to find one day that I'm not so horrible. Well, to make a long story short(because it sounds just like yours) that didn't work. She came to visit and we ended up having a blow up. Just couldn't take it anymore, especially now that I have a son (2 1/2 yrs)and she says these things in front of him. Just can't have that. She left in the middle of the night saying she never wanted to see me again, but my husband and grandson she does. (She never apologizes-I believes she doesn't so she can hold it over my head later) Well, my husband was so upset by her behavior that we cut communication quite a bit with her now. Our son comes first...He's at the age where he picks up on language and emotions and I never want him to witness something like that. I don't want him to see his grandmother insulting his mother or his father. I'm expecting another in October and she wont be here for that and we may or may not see her over Thanksgiving. That's up to my husband. If we do see her, we wont stay with her. Visit for an hour or until we feel we should before things escalate. My advice is to leave dealings with your mother-in-law to your husband. He should be the voice of both of you. That way she knows you are unified and she can't put a wedge between you two. Our communication with my mother in law is mass emails of pictures of my son to all the family and very cordial and generic conversation when we see her-which is rare. My husband believes this is the only way right now for her to know that she can't treat us this way. We're not planning on this forever...we'll eventually start up real communication again, but my husband will make that decision. It's just best to let each deal with their own family. I know it hurts....I couldn't sleep for a week after she left our house. I was really torn-even talked with our preacher. But our son comes first-he's so impressionable right now...I really don't want him exposed to such a toxic personality right now. Hopefully things will get better, but if they don't she's not completely out of his life. I still send out mass emails that keep everyone up to date. Good Luck...just know your not alone...and what ever you and your husband decide to do, I'm sure, will be the best for your family.

I'm wondering why your husband isn't addressing the issue. I mean if he told your mother in law to "drop it" and she didn't then he needs to have a sit down with her and tell her that she has boundaries when it comes to issues that involve you and him and that she should not overstep those boundaries unless asked. With that said it's probably going to take a while for her to get over the argument that you two had. I would do everything I could to be nice to her and let it go. I would not apologize again. One apology is enough in my opinion and if she doesn' forgive you then that's on her. But with all that said, I imagine as it gets closer to delivery of your new baby she will want to reconcile. In the mean time I think #1, give her time to get over the incident, #2 make your husband have a talk with her about her opinions, & #3 you and your husband need to think about how you want to handle his parents being involved in the birth of your new child. I think I would start that discussion with how your husband feels about the issue. Build on that - because he may very well want them involved. But if that's the case, I would make him compromise by talking to her before the visit about your feelings that they not intrude or invade and that they only be there for visiting and support. Like I said, you've apologized and done your part, whether she accepts the apology or even apologizes to you is up to her. It may very well be that she doesn't apologize and you have to do the mature thing here and move past it. This is your husband's mother and she will always be a part of his life. I hope she comes around and apologizes but if she doesn't continue being the bigger person and let it go and move on.

Let it go. Forgive, even if you cant forget. Dont mention the incident again, and be the bigger person. She will always be your mother-in-law, and the grandmother of your children, so.... Humble yourself and just move on. You will be glad. A new baby does wonderful things. Your husband might talk to her, too, if you think she would listen and not take it wrong. Good luck.. that is a very tough thing. God bless your birth and life.

Hi H.,

Any chance that you could put off by a month or so the inlaws coming over? Your husband could tell them you aren't feeling up to a visit so soon. The other thing to tell them is that they would need to stay in a hotel because you are under too much stress to have house guests. (Yes, they pay the cost of it.) If they know that they will have to do that, then they won't be pushing you as hard, I would think. If they get too testy while they are visiting, just go into your bedroom with the baby and lock the door and lay down. Giving birth and the pain of getting over it is certainly a justifiable excuse to do that if she is putting you through stress.

You really do have to learn to call the shots with M-I-L, even though you feel there will be negative consequences. There are negative consequences for being her doormat, too. It is admirable that you are trying to work things out, but there must be compromise on both sides. Your husband must make all the arrangements with this in front of his family, too, H., or you will just look worse to them.

I wish you much luck.
D.

Hi H., I could have writen the same post. My MIL and I have a temaltious relationship at best. When I had my child, I didn't let her or anyone else near the house. The reason, I wanted time to bond with my child without having her input. I knew the first week or two was going to be rough (first child) and I was not comfortable trying to learn to breastfeed, etc. with anyone around. It was the best thing I did. Yes, she was insulted by it but too bad. I didn't need the extra stress that would of been added by her being there.

It is time for your husband to interfere on your behalf where she is concerned. If you don't want to start world war III in the family, he needs to let his mother that she has hurt and upset you because of the things she said. Ensure he has the specifics. Write them down if need be.

Now for the hardest part: You also need to learn to not let her have the power. Only you can control your reactions to her and you are right, with the hormones running rampant in your body, knowing that you might not be in the best control, have your husband tell her she can come until a week or two after the birth of the baby and not before. There is no reason for you to have to deal with her. It is his mother after all. :-)

Good luck and congratulations on the baby.