Mother-in-law Who Likes to Give Guilt Trips

Ignore her. Have your husband tell her that she will be the back up babysitter and have him give her all the reassurances about being in babies life,etc etc and you switch to the back up as your primary. Don't let her pettiness and guilt trips interfere with you having a sitter you can rely on. I am a working mom of two and I have to take off enough time for sick kids and doc appts, etc that if I didn't have a reliable sitter then I'd be out of a job!! Don't let her give you the guilt trips anymore. Life is too short to deal with that. Don't cut her out, but don't feel you have to sit there on the phone or whatever and just take it or constantly try to explain yourself. You don't. This does not mean you do not love and respect the woman, it just means that you are under NO OBLIGATION to have to made miserable by this.

Get the hubby involved and let him be the primary contact with her for now while the switch is made and things settle down.

Good luck
julie

As an employed mom, it is crucial for you to have a consistent caregiver. I would approach it from that standpoint, rather than -- whether true or not -- her inability to handle her aunt as well as the baby. How about, Mom (I know it's your MIL, but maybe you should let your husband address this, unless you and she are very close), we really appreciate your offer to take care of the baby during the daytime, but the job is cracking down on folks and we need to seek out a daycare center. However, would you please be our caregiver when the center is closed? We're not taking the baby from you, because of course, you'll see us all the time.

KR,
Good morning! No, you are not asking too much to have dependable care for your child. All the things that you said in your request are things that may need to be said to your MIL.
If she lives that close to you and thinks that she will never see "her baby" then that says to me that she is not willing to come visit the child on her own.
Guilt trips are used by people who want to have control over you. Whether or not she has that control is left up to you.

Your MIL sounds a bit passive aggressive to me. She wants to look after the baby, but the baby makes her sick. She wants to do something, but then puts up barriers so she ends up not doing it and then she blames you. Babysitting a toddler is hard work and she may not want to admit it but she might not be able to do it anymore. Also, it's very noble of her to look after her Aunt, but it might also be more than she can handle. People with Alzheimer's can get up in the night to use the bathroom, become confused and in the morning you find a nasty mess in your living room easy chair. They don't mean to, but they can destroy your house (accidentally leave a burner of the stove turned on, etc). I would not leave your baby alone with your MIL while her Aunt is still with her. By all means, go for visits when you can all go together and spend a few hours so Grandma can have some time with the grandchildren (and once every few weeks is fine). Make your secondary babysitter the primary, and find a new secondary sitter. MIL is in no position to provide any babysitting right now. Never feel guilty about doing what you feel is best for your children.

I am a mil and I have had swveral health issues myself and I felt guilty for being sick. If you have a dependable babysitter now I suggest that you keep her and use MIL for backup. IF she really loves your children she will want the best for them. Shes also 10 minutes away she can visit them if she misss them.

You have to do what is best for you and your son, and not worry about what your MIL says. Guilt trips are very juvenile. I suggest explaining that since you are a working mother and you need routine and stability so your mornings go easily, you need to switch babysitters. I'd ask if she still would be able to be a back-up babysitter, but be prepared that she may say no. I still think stability and reliability for parent and child trumps a grown-ups feelings. You have to do what is best for you and your child first.

I've known a lot of people (myself included) who tried to use grandparents as primary babysitters -- sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. It is a great option if it works, but a huge pain if it doesn't. Best of luck, I hope you find a great, reliable babysitter!

This sounds like a typical family-business operation. My sister has been watching my kids for the past three years, and I constantly get comment from my parents about not paying her enough, expecting too much, etc. Tables have turned! We finally found another sitter so she could go get a "real" job, and then found out she is pregnant, so she is back so she can afford to stay home with her baby. But the reliability is an issue with us as well, and it is hard when it is family. But if your MIL has only done 4 weeks since Thanksgiving, she is not really a babysitter, she really takes him when she has time. I agree with some of the other posts to let her have him one day a week or even whenver fits her schedule, just pick him up from the day care. And if she wants to make comments, she can stay at home and mail things like she said. It is not necessary for her to talk to you or your husband like that, and he should definitely tell her to knock it off so it doesn't cause problems between the two of you. If he doesn't want to, let her know that you have to do what you have to do for your family...and since she has other things that are high priority in her life right now, maybe it is best if she watches your son when she has time and isn't stressed - it will make for a better realtionship all around! Good luck!

I think you know deep down what is best for your child - it's nice that she is free and loves her grandkids, but it is more important to have a stable, consistent caregiver that will prove to be more of a steady, scheduled influence in your son's life. MILs will always give guilt trips about something...don't let it get to you. You have every right to do what's best for your child. Sounds like she was giving you guilt trips about all her sicknesses, so maybe you're actually doing her a favor by keeping her away from all the germs!? She will get the point and get used to the new living situations and maybe ask her over for dinner every once in a while so she knows she is still welcome to visit. And if she feels like she needs to see the little one, maybe she can be friends with the babysitter and have lunch with them when she feels like it??

Since it looks as though you might end up having to pay for child care at this point, it might be a good time to look deeply and consider whether your working is really worth not only the money, but the stress it is putting on your family with all the negative feelings that are obvious towards your MIL. NO ONE can take better care of your baby than you can and I urge you to consider solving the problem in this way. You would then be available to visit your MIL and assist her with the aunt. It would be a win-win situation for all and perhaps strengthen your family unmeasurably.

You got a lot of good answers! My suggestion on top of them is maybe have one day a week be her day to babysit. That way she will get her time in with him and you can get a reliable sitter for the rest. But do sit down with her and explain you need her to be sure she can consistently do that day because it is stressful on you and your husband (bring her own baby into it!!) to not be able to count on her (a little guilt right back at her!).
Good luck!!
K.

YOu are right, and you should stand your ground. tha tbeing said, maybe you can find a way to do it without making her angry. COuld you ask her to wattch your son one or two days per week and use the otehr sitter the rest? If she can be dependable - every Monday, for example - then you can add days to her schedule.

Regarding the aunt - depending on teh degree of dementia, I would worry a lot about your son being watched in a setting wher ethe aunt is needind supervision. Is your MIL truly aware of the risks of haing her around the baby unsupervised? She doesn't let aunt watch the baby does she, even for a few minutes? I think tha tis enough of a reason to limit the days she sits or the conditions under which she does it. It could be like watching two children an dyou are witin your rights to want your son to be the primary responsibility.

Hello, One; you and your husband have to be on the same page and have agreements in place about in-laws (both yours and his)....Two; make your decisions based on what your immediate family needs to keep the insanity to a minimal, and if that cost you money so be it. In the long run it will be worth it, and its not forever...As far as her guilt trip, what do you have to feel guilty about? She lives 10 minute away, (comes back to the agreement comment) she can call or drop by when ever...Last, but not least, Talk to her and let her know your honest feelings...we are all adults here,if not, guess its time you became one for your family's sake....and your own sanity....suck it up, change is good!!

Wow. It doesn't sound like she wants to be obligated. Perhaps you could work out something with another reliable sitter whom you TOTALLY trust around your little one, and tell your mother in law it would be great if she could sit on the special occasions. Tell her you wouldn't dream of taking her grandkids away from her. (She sounds a little dramatic.) Your kids, regardless, come first. There are safety issues here. You will find great relief in dependability. If she really wanted to do it, she would. Take care.

In my world there is nothing more important than consistency and reliablity. If you can't be there the majority of the time, then your out, especially if you and your husband are working, what are you going to take weeks of work off at a time, because if I was the secondary, I wouldn't stick around if I wasn't sure when I was going to get work. A nice "compromise" might be that the secondary will do the daytime work and then your MIL can watch him any evening or weekend that you guys take time out for yourselves. That way is MIL isn't feeling up to it, you can reschedule and she'll still have her time. It might also be good for both of you for you and your husband to plan one night/weekend day every other week that you'll give MIL time to watch him, if she can. That way, you'll have a built in grammy/me time and built-in husband/wife time. Even if you just hang out at home doing a project together or something. My husband and I do this when my parents are here during the winter and sometimes we just watch a movie or take a nap together, because he was a toddler and are tired. But my parents LOVE it and my husband and I love knowing that we'll get a little time just us. Good luck and don't let anyone guilt you on how you run your family!!

It is waaaaay too much for a person to take care of somebody with Alzheimer's and a toddler at the same time. That is seriously asking for trouble, all it takes is an instant for something to happen to either baby or auntie.

Your family needs somebody dependable to watch baby, that is not asking for a lot. It sounds like you already know what you need to do. Guilt trips are no fun, believe me I can sympathize with you on that, but your MIL will get over it. Besides, it's your child, your life, your business. Take care.

First of all, more power to you, for raising two boys, one a teenager, and one a pre-tod! Pheewww! MILs are very good at guilt trips (this comes from one who has endured many over the years). Bottom line, you must run your house the most effective way that works for your immediate family. You have enough things to juggle and worry about, worrying about an overly sensitive MIL is not, and should not be one of the things on your "worry about" list.

Just do what you have to do during the week, and ask MIL to babysit on the weekends. This way, she still gets to see her baby, and you and your husband can escape a bit to have some fun together and with your older son.

I have worked in an Alzeimer's unit for several years, and caring for someone with Alzeimer's is a full time job- much like caring for a child. The safety of your own child is your priority. the reality of alzeimer's is not knowing what is going to happen. The 'what if's' that could happen to put your child in danger at his age is vast. A door could be left open to the outside or the top of the stairs, the aunt could give the child something to drink that is NOT something you should drink, or take him for a walk and not remember where she left him-all things not intentional or meant in malice-the possiblities are endless. Alzeimer's is a terrible disease that effects people in different ways. It is a noble thing she is doing, caring for her sister in her time of need, but the fact of the matter is a child of 13 month's is too young and too much work to be added on top of all that. Maybe if your son was older-like your 13yo, it would be okay because he would have a basic understanding of the 'illness' concept and could actually be helpful, but now he is learning right from wrong and cannot make decisions on his own. Personally, I'm not sure if i would want my 13mo old observing behaviors of such and inexplicable 'mind' illness during such a developmental time. there is just no rhyme or reason to the Alzeimer's behavior. It is just not nessessary for 8-10 hrs straight each day. You are right to seek another babysitter, just make a point to make some extra visits to grandma's or help take the aunt off her hands every so often so she can still have that one on one time with your son. Tell her you will make extra time, and it is because you don't want to overstess her and you are a bit fearful of the 'what if's', but your admiration for her sacrifice is huge. Good luck.

Obviously you need to do what works best for you and your family, and it doesn't sound like MIL is dependable enough to meet the definition of what works.

Next, for her "guilt trip" comments I would tell her flat out that if that is what you will have to hear, then she's right, she won't get to see him. I would take a little time to phrase that more carefully, but my point is this: If I have to listen to such nonsense, then I'm not coming around. My mother USED to be queen of those types of comments until I set some boundaries. Those comments are manipulative and I will not be manipulated. Simple as that.

You should just worry what is best for you son. Do not worry about MIL and how she feels. If you feel he will be better off at the other babysittter, then by all means make the other babysitter the primary. But if you want to "keep the peace" then suggest that on certain days MIL babysits and the other days the other babysits. Does the backup have other kids? If so, I think it is important that he interacts with other children also.

I hope this helps.

I feel your pain, I too have a MIL that lays on the guilt. My MIL too told my husband and I that she would watch our child when he was born. My answer to that was a polite no, thank you. I told her I didn't want to take away her "spoiling" role - the grandmother role. I think its hard to have any family member, or friend for that matter, watch your child. If you are paying someone and they do something you don't like - you wouldn't hesitate to tell them about it. But, if its family, correcting how they deal with your child can become a huge mess.

I think at this point, I would ask your husband to take to his mother. Have him tell her that although you know she values the time they've had together that your son needs to be around kids his own age and needs to have a consistent schedule. Reinforce that you will continue to spend time with her and always want her to be apart of his life, but feel that your sons best interest can be served best in the other place.

Good luck!

how about seeing if she can watch him one maybe two days a week that way she has him often but its not toomuch for her. then its like a visit instead of work. if you like this idea id just come out and tell her that you and hubby havedecide this is what you are going to do and she can take it or leave it. its your cchild and you decide where hewill and wont go for whatever reason. although its not oly affecting you your babysitter that youve been using when not your mil is also being given the run around. as a babysitter myself its very annoying when im not sure when so and so is coming over or not. she could have planned something and didnt realize she was going to be free til it was too late or vice versa. and if shes getting paid she may be depending onthe money...thats like your job telling you they dont need you next week...what would you do then for money. just think about all of these things when you decide whats best and use them to tell mil and babysitter what youve decided. good luck!

No, you are not asking too much to expect someone to be dependable to watch your child. Yes things do come up, but you shouldn't have to worry everyday if your baby sitter is going to be available to watch your child. I think you made the right decision in using your back up baby sitter as your primary sitter. I think maybe you should explain to your mother in law that you need someone who is dependable and doesn't have a lot other things going on. Auntie is a handful in and of itself without adding an active toddler on top of it. Also explain to you MIL that no matter what, she will always be his grandma and that she will still be able to see her grandson. You have to think of your son first. Good luck!

I think the best way to deal with this would be to get a sitter that you know will usually be able to take care of your son. You can explain to you MIL that she's welcome to come visit, and that you plan to visit her (if you feel that way), and that you would like her to babysit as backup, and leave it at that. One thing that someone told me was that it was my choice to accept or decline guilt trips from others, and it helped. I felt bad b/c I wanted to make everyone happy, but in the end, you have to do what's right for you and your children. If MIL really doesn't like it, she'll take steps to change it. If she just wants to make others do her will, then she'll probably still complain about it, but it's YOUR decision. Think it through, and decide what's best for you. Then refuse to feel guilty for doing what you thoughtfully determined was best. Good luck!