23 answers

Mother-in-law Issues - Lakeland,FL

ok i need advice on what to do or say to my mother-in-law, so what happened is that my brother-in-law and his girl friend split up and all hell broke loose between the girl friend and my mother-in-law and so the girl friend told me some things that my mother-in-law said about me and my kids, things that the girl friend would not no unless mother-in-law told, ex., saying my kids are spoiled and that i need to keep my mouth shut when it comes to my husband and him taking his pain pills which i don't want him on anymore, and if i would stop going to the salon 2 and 3 times a week, "really can you imagine going to the salon that often, only in my dreams". anyway, so he could afford to keep going to the dr and get his pain pills like she doesnt no her son does not need to be taking that and my husband and i have been fighting alot about it, and she knows, she has even told me that he needs to stop as well and just learn to live wit the pain like others have to then she goes and says that behind my back, well of course my husband says i need to stop acting like a child and talk to her to see if its the truth and im like hello it is what cant you understand about it? I just dont no what to do I no she said it cause how else would the girl friend no about it I dont have that kind of relationship wit the girlfriend, I mean she only told me cause she so pissed at my mother-in-law, yes my mother-in-law has called leaving messages saying its not true that she just mad and wants to start problems?

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

ok well it seems that everyone pretty much said to let it go, she is my mil, well it was just bothering me too much so I decided to email her on what was said and i felt about it, and this was about a week ago and i havent heard a thing from her, so I m thinking i prob made a mistake?Thanks all for the advice I really appreciated it.

Featured Answers

i like to avoid any conversation about someone not in the room. in my opinion, the best thing to do is forgive. if you want to confront first that's for you to decide. but i would consider anything the girlfriend said as fact unless you heard from the MIL as well.

I personally would ignore what the girl says & just not fight in front of yor mother in law. Don't discuss he sons issues unless she asks (or you think he really needs an intervention). Keep things pleasant but be cautious.

I'd stay away from the X :)

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Don't even start the "is it true is it untrue" arguement, doesn't matter. Just tell her to stop talking behind your back and move on. You WILL NOT change her and you involve her in as little as possible. Most of all, you go on with your life knowing the type of person she is and expecting it. You can't change the fact that she is your husband's mom. You stick to your guns about what is good for you husband and your family and get him help.

1 mom found this helpful

G., stop, take a deep breath and exhale. So your mother said something bad about you, don't all women get in their groups and talk. Let it ride off your back because you have probably had your indifference toward her too that if she heard would cause issues. Be thankful you heard that info, and if true, begin to take measures to STOP talking your business to your mother in law etc. She does not live in your house and what you and your husband fight over is your business. Take the bigger person role and do what you know is right and let the petty thing she said roll off your back. Don't get involved in the commess cause the girlfriend could very will be bitter, your mother in law could very well just say back something out of anger. Who knows if the girlfriend is trying to get you to have a problem with your mother in law too just because she has one. If you really can't brush it off, confront your mother in law and discuss it and act accordingly by staying at arms length when it comes to certain things relaing to her.

1 mom found this helpful

Hey G......
Welll seems i am not the only one with a nosey butt mother in law... mine is the pits too, so the best advice i can give you is to just make peace at family functions but not let her that involved in your lives. If she feels your children are spoiled then they really dont need her time or energy anyway. You only let people know what goes on behind your 4 walls if you tell them. If your husband is having issues with pain meds, talk to him about alternative methods. Once you are on those narcotic meds for years it's hard as hell to get off of them. BElieve me i know first hand about them.
Pray alot about it GOD will bring you an answer.
People sometimes say more when they are upset, when the girlfriend comes back with more "gossip" just tell her point blank that she hurt your feelings the last time ya'll had talked and you'd really rather not know what anybody has to say about you.
Talk is cheap when folks are pissed off.

1 mom found this helpful

I personally would ignore what the girl says & just not fight in front of yor mother in law. Don't discuss he sons issues unless she asks (or you think he really needs an intervention). Keep things pleasant but be cautious.

I'd stay away from the X :)

So sorry to hear about that. Even if you confronted your mother-in-law, she will deny it as she has already done. If I were you, I would just ignore it and let them fight it out among themselves. It sounds like the ex wants you to be in on the fight. Be the better person and just let it go over your head. I know it's hard. As long as you're married, you will have your m-i-l to deal with. The ex will be out of the picture soon enough. Good luck. Keep us updated.

Perhaps that was the girlfriends opinion of you and your kids and she is filled with sadness and anger berries letting it all out but does not want to feel the hate toward herself so she is blaming be mother in law

your "friend" shouldn't of even told you any of that...Really, it's shame on her more than anyone else..All that does is hurt your feelings uneccesarily to satisfy her own selfish needs..She sounds like a troublemaker and ya probably want to lose her..She is your mo-in-law so you are forced to be in eachothers lives..Just try to forget it and move on if ya can..

It sounds to me like the so called "girlfriend" may want to start problems being that she is not part of the fam anymore. U, however are very much part of the fam and have 2 children involved. I would just let it go and tell ur mother in law that whether it was true or not, u just want to move on for everyone's sake, especially the children's sake. I was fortunate enough to have an awesome mother in law, she was my best budd and I lost her way too soon. she didnt even get to enjoy her grand-babies. sometimes we need to count ur blessings..thanks to ur mother in law u have your husband and thanks to him u have your children!!!

In my opinion, I would let it go. I would not talk to the girl friend anymore and chalk what she said up to anger. Don't let what she said ruin your relationship witht he mother in law. Your mother in law is now there for good and the girl friend is not. Don't start something that can make your life awful. Everyone has their opinions and others can miscontrue them to be their opinions. It is all hear say, let it go and move on.

never listen to comments made by an angry, bitter, ex-. She may be speaking the truth, but would she have shared this information with you if she were still on good terms with the family? Do not let her break-up influence your marriage and family. Instead, help her make peace with the situation and move on. You will gain nothing by trying to get your mother-in-law to confess to you the things she may have said. Have you ever made unkind remarks about her? It's all part of being a family. Love one another and always search for the good in people; you will win everytime. :)

Second hand hearsay is not always true but still can upset people. My advice is to have a nice meetup with mother in law for coffee or such and talk. No did you say this or that, just how r u doing and no talk about the other girl. Build your up your repor as the two of you will have to deal with each other for quite a while. Its best to forget what has been said, consider the source bais and statements untrue or you will find yourself fighting a war. And husbands will side with their mothers.

As far as pain meds, I understand the need as my back constantly hurts but save my vicondin for the days i really need it, where the pain makes me cry. But I also had to take it easy for quite awhile- no vaccuming, lifting, sweeping, unloading dishwasher, long car driving trips. Talk to your husband without judgement. Ask if he what makes his back hurt so you can help. Then maybe he can step down the dose adn then just do motrin or advil. Thought #2 is that he needs to see the doctor for somthing else is wrong with his back. Thought #3 is IF he is addicted, his doctor wont prescribe them forever and you could talk to his doctor.

This ex woman wasn't your friend before nor should be now. Anything that happens in your household is NON OF HER BUSINESS. If she insists on coming back to you for gossip, tell her you do not appreciate her comments and to stop coming to you. If your MIL told her or not, she will always be part of your family, not this other person. Try at least to keep peace with the MIL, though a little distance would be nice. Good luck

i like to avoid any conversation about someone not in the room. in my opinion, the best thing to do is forgive. if you want to confront first that's for you to decide. but i would consider anything the girlfriend said as fact unless you heard from the MIL as well.

It's best to NOT confront your mother-in-law. Why create an argument between you and your MIL based on something that may (or may not) be true?? Let it go and do not pursue this matter with her unless your MIL herself states these accusations herself directly to you. I understand how difficult it is to bite your tongue, especially if you already have a strained relationship with her, but for the sake of keeping peace in the family, I'd let it go. Be the bigger person than this so called girlfriend and don't stir up unnecessary trouble in the family.

Do not get involved! This is not your fight it is rumors and conjecture at this point and it came from a very angry spiteful girl. What was her motive for telling you this? Was she doing it for your health and benefit or did she just want someone to be as pissed as she was at your MIL? She may have said nasty things about you and she may not do you really want to alienate her? If you don't want strife in your family I would let it go unless your MIL tells you directly that she said these things. And then you can say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and that's it. It doesn't really matter if she said those things anyway...Are they true? Then don't worry about it. You will just be adding more fuel to the fire if you jump in. If you want peace stay out of their fight. As for your hubby's problem with pain pills. Go to Alanon. Go now and do it for you so you can get some sanity back. Here's an excersise..grab a bottle of his pills. Now start trying to reason with them. Silly? Yep cause that's about the answer you will get from someone who is addicted like talking to the pills or banging your head against the wall. I hope things get better for you. Stay strong.

sounds like your brother in law's ex holds all the blame. i would NOT blame the mother in law. Sounds like she is probably innocent, and she's family. The ex sounds like she took what your mother in law actually told her and twisted it all into a lie to get everyone she can against the mother in law. Stay away from her! I would think an apology to the mother in law would be the best thing for now.

Stay away from the ex-girlfriend. She is a trouble maker. She wants to tear up the relationship that you have with your husband and your mother-in-law.

Dear G.,
Good day,
You are truly in a "sticky" situation. It is your m-i-l, but it is Your life! Your future! Please take some time, I realize this is often hard to do", but try to get the time to be by yourself for an hour or so. Preferably in a park or some place relaxing to you! Gather your thoughts and feelings about this Whole situation; and then when you return home, write a letter to both, your husband and your MIL. Include your thoughts and hurt feelings to both! About the pain medication. I am on pain medication for a failed back fusion surgery; and I ONLY take my medication as Doctor ordered; and yes-I need them just to function daily, but we all know there is a serous problem with people abusing them. Only you know the situation for what it truly is. But while you are spending time with your own thoughts and feelings about this, please know that sometimes, people such as myself, actually need the relief they can and do provide. Now, the reason I suggest writing letters, is because I myself have a very difficult time expressing myself to others. But when I write it out- I can find or use enough words to get my thoughts & feelings out into the open! If this is not your situation, Dr. Joseph Cimino is a great family/ individual counselor! The best here in N. Broward area! I pray that everything will work out fine for all of you's! Go0d bless you G.. He too can guide you! All you have to do is ask Him!
Sincerely,
Kathy N.

Hi, G.. Well, there are simple parts and complex parts to your questions. First of all, it's a very, very bad idea to take to heart anything that an angry person is spouting off about. Your mother-in-law may or may not have said those things, but what does it matter? Even if she is complaining about you when you're not around, what does it matter? She's entitled to her opinion, even if that opinion is negative.

It seems that it is no secret that the ex-girlfriend carried tales to you about your mother-in-law, and mom-in-law is trying to make peace with YOU. If I were in your place, I would make peace with my husband's mother because she is a relative, and this ex-girlfriend of your brother-in-law is not a relative and will probably not matter to you at all or be involved in your life next week or next month. So consider who is most important to you, and don't worry about opinions. Sometimes ppl let off steam and say things they don't mean and aren't true. Consider who is actually important to you -- that's your family.

Now, if your husband is having a problem with a growing addiction to pain killers, that's another issue. He needs to go to a doctor and discuss pain management. Understand also, G., that ppl who do not suffer chronic pain do not understand what ppl who ARE sufferring chronic, long-term, bad, unhealable pain, are going through. He needs your understanding and support to do the right thing for himself and his family. He needs to find ways to get healed or to manage the pain without getting addicted to pills.

I hope the family can forgive and rally around one another, and that your husband gets better.

Peace,
Syl

G.,

BLOW IT OFF!!!!! You really have enough on your plate. Is this really the fight you want to choose? There will be no winner only losers on all sides. You are allowing an outsider cause drama in your family. In the scheme of things and considering what you may have to deal with soon - you and your MIL may have to work together for your husband's benefit.

I can not agree more with what has been said here. Let it go. I am having real issues with in laws right now and I know itis so hard. However the more you try to be angry and draw your line in the sand, the more your kids suffer. No matter how immature your MIL is she is your childrens grandmother and they need you to have a close to normal relationship with her. SOrry it may not be working out the way you would have liked. Trust me when I say I know it is not easy, but with your husband having pain issues, and you having to raise children, that is energy that you could use to spend other places. Good Luck and be patient.

Your MIL and your bro's ex are immature. I couldn't imagine my mom or MIL accting like that. Don't worry about it and don't stoop to their level.

You said it yourself, G.. The girlfriend is telling you because she is pissed off. So she could be lying or pumping it up a bit because of that. Bottom line, unless your mother in law says something directly to you, what is there to say. The Most I would do is perhaps say "I know you two are fighting and because of that I am taking in what I hear with a grain of salt and I'm keeping in mind that there are three sides to every story, yours, hers and the truth. But, with that said, I certainly hope if you have any major concerns about the way we are raising the kids you will express them to me so we can talk about them. (After all, maybe she will have something enlightening to say. Listen, at least. You may pick up something that makes you a better parent. If not, you made your mother in law feel important and what harm could that do.)I would further add "As for the comments I heard about my marriage, those I would prefer to leave aside, since our marriage is private and between my husband and me only." Chances are she will get defensive and say the girlfriend is lying and be more concerned about the gossip and what was actually, but take the higher road and for your own sake do not get into the drama of the situation and stay neutral. With that said I will add "Thank you, God, for my mother in law"

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