Mother-In-Law - Holiday Weekend Vacation

uuuummmmm, I think they were hoping for a live in babysitter. They invited you to stay in the unit. When you said no, they invited her parents to stay at the unit. Is it possible they were hoping for a gramma/nanny so they could sneak off for some alone time while the kids are with a gramma?

I'm sorry they made you feel left out.
there should be enough room on this vacation for both grammas. there should be enough room at the restaraunt for them to invite you to dinner, along with her parents.

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This stinks. Unfortunately, you are kind of stuck b/c they offered to have you stay with them and you essentially said "no thanks, I'll make my own arrangements"- doesn't sound like they considered you an imposition at all! Then you made plans within their plans without checking with them... fireworks from your balcony, you bringing dinner to their condo... If I was on the receiving end of that call (your son), my thought would have been "I guess she doesn't want to deal with the chaos and wants some quiet to herself".

Now that they have room, they invited her parents to come too (invited you first). Personally, I would have asked my son if I could join them for dinner so that we could all spend time together, of course offering to pay my own tab.

Your son is the rude on here, by the way, not your DIL. HE should have said something to his in-laws and his wife about wanting to have dinner with them and my mom is coming too, so do you mind if we include her as well. I bet her parents will be mortified when the find out that you were nuking your lasagna while they all go out!

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Regardless of when anyone was invited or accepted--WHO does this? Who leaves ONE person behind while they go out for dinner? How rude.
I mean, when we vacation wit family--it's our rule that you don't "HAVE" to do anything or go anywhere you don't want--but everyone is invited!
Now I guess you can either muscle in on the dinner and probably pay for yourself and feel awkward or just go and stay back? Stinks!

Now that I saw Tracy's response mentioning "a babysitter" it's all makes sense. Still rude. AND selfish. :(

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That is really awful and I am sorry you were treated that way. I think you should allow yourself to calm down, but this needs to be addressed with them. Perhaps they are just clueless and do not realize what poor manners they have used, but perhaps not. Either way, this behavior needs to be pointed out to them. It is just wrong to invite someone to be your guest, but ditch them when other guests come along! Her parents should have offered the dinner invitation to you as well, but if that is going to put their bill over the edge then it shouldn't have been offered at all or alternate plans should have been made to include you! Shame on both of them (your son and DIL) for treating you that way, but staying silent on your part only enables this poor behavior. I hope it is all just a big misunderstanding and you have a nice holiday. God bless!
A.

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I don't think that they were rude for inviting the other set of grandparents, but it is definitely rude of them to not include you for dinner. I would feel slighted too. I would mention it to you son and let the chips fall where they may...

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Maybe they wanted the company there at the condo. Maybe you were their first choice, but since you decided to get your own room, they invited her parents as well. There's even a good chance that they are totally baffled at why you've now backed out.
It doesn't sound like they said (or texted) anything to indicate that this would be exclusively you with them. They might have had no idea that this is what you were hoping for (of course, maybe there's something I'm missing or that you didn't put it, too). But it kind of sounds like you're expecting them to know what you want, without any communication about it, and you're upset that they didn't "get" it.
I would call your son and talk to him. Let him know what you were thinking and why you cancelled. Let him know you would like some time with his family - just you and them. It probably won't happen this holiday, but you can plan ahead for some other weekend.

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I think they should have included you in the dinner invitation. I don't think it's a bad thing having all the grandparents, but I truly understand you not wanting to be in a cramped space with no privacy.

So there still may be time to make it right for everyone, call your daughter-in-law an tell her how you feel (except for wanting the grandkids to yourself) and see what happens.

Blessings......

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Well, his wife's Family, could have invited you, too.
You are alone.
that is what my family would have done, in that situation. It is customary... in our part of the woods.

SO sorry, Yes, I would feel gut-punched too.
But they were honest.
Maybe his wife's family.... is not so thoughtful?????
Do they KNOW you will be there, TOO?

Are you being asked to babysit, heating up your food and hanging out, while THEY are out to dinner?
How crude, if so.

I hope this does not set up for a bad relationship now.
Your SON.... is the one to speak up, for you. If anything.

They asked you first.
Then her parents.
For all you know, maybe his Wife, INSISTED on this.
You don't know the back-story to it.
And they live in town too. Her parents.

But you can all share, the Grandkids. Hopefully.

You did, what was mannered and well thought out.
They did not. NOT at all.

And if they are making YOU the 'babysitter".... HOW obnoxious!
Tell them YOU have plans!

I think they are very rude... and selfish.
You should talk to your SON about this.
Calmly hopefully.

all the best,
Susan

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Your son didn't think about how it would seem to you, and he should have. Sometimes these things go way over a man's head, and they can be clueless about hurt feelings.

However, you did decline the invitation to stay with them in the condo and book the hotel before letting him know your alternative plan. When the daughter-in-law's parents mentioned dinner out, your son and/or daughter-in-law should have mentioned that you were staying nearby to join everyone for the weekend and should be included.

At this point, you are probably better to just bow out and chalk it up to one of those things. It's not fair, but you have more to lose in the future if you choose to hold a grudge.

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I think there are faults enough to share in all of this. I do agree that there was a fundamental flaw in the communication that could have been averted. When you were texted an invitation, a phone call in response should have been "I'd love to discuss plans with you. Give me a call back." Then you have a voice-to-voice session where you figure out exactly what is being offered and what is being expected. And yea, I think your face is wondering "What they HECK!?! That was a perfectly decent nose!"

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How hurtful. As much as my m-i-l bugs me sometimes I would never make plans with her and than cancel in favor of my parents or do the same to my mom.
I would use the money you would have spent on the hotel and treat yourself to a spa weekend. Maybe you could take a girlfriend and enjoy the weekend.

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OMG You shouldn't be treated that way. It hurts just reading it. Your son should have mentioned to his wife and her parents that you were invited also (many men never think of things, though!) to the unit and all of you may have had different arrangements to have a nice evening together. In my opinion, and just for this time, I would let them be and I would do something different or spend a nice time with a good friend, or relative somewhere else, and then days later I would talk to both of them, son and wife how they made you feel because of their mistake, rudeness or whatever you want to call it. You seems like a very nice MIL and you may want to talk to them peacefully but honestly which I see nothing wrong with it. Do it. I don't know how old they are, but many times these things are not on purpose (I do not like it either!) and sometimes it is just young people do not realize about manners or others' feelings, or it was just a misunderstanding.

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Some people are just bad at communicating. I don't think they meant to hurt you at all and they are just not thinking. The thing they should have done is invite you to dinner too. Maybe they feel that since your DIL's parents invited them to dinner that they cannot invite someone else bc it is their treat. I don't know. You should have a calm, kind, private conversation with your son telling him how much he hurt your feelings. Keep it short, to the point, and don't be dramatic about things. Just let him know what you feel. Let him know you'd like to get some time with only them and the grandkids sometimes. I honestly think he just is not aware. It is a bummer though and I feel for you! Don't feel jealous. You should definitely go and try to enjoy the time you do get with them. PS - I don't see anything distasteful about sharing a condo and bathroom with them. You would get lots of quality time with them in the evenings. You could help with the kid's bathtime and reading bedtime stories. You just have to take turns with the bathroom. Since this is only for 2 nights it would not be too much of a hardship, but you have to be flexible.

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idk, the timeline is kind of confusing. are you 100% sure that they got your message BEFORE inviting the other grandparents? if they're anything like me, i have messages prob more than a year old that i've never listened to... they invited you to stay in the unit, and you declined and decided to stay in a hotel - maybe they perceived that as you wanted some "space", while still having a visit together. and family sharing a bathroom is far from "yuck", so i do think you're kind of having a sour grapes reaction in the respect. in my opinion, the ONLY rude thing your son did was not invite you to dinner, but in his defense, maybe the in-laws offered to take them out and he feels akward adding another to their tab? idk, maybe he thought they'd do dinner with you one night and dinner with them on another night? who knows? it sounds like a LOT of lack of communication, assumptions, etc. they DID invite you first, and i do think you're being a little childish/passive aggressive by being in a big funk, expecting them to know that your mad, know why you're mad, etc. keep in mind that they have two small children, sometimes lack of sleep and being super busy can cause the very best of us to inadvertantly do/say something rude/stupid - and it's likely they're so busy with the little ones they don't have the time/energy to devote to figuring out why you're mad... i would either drop the issue altogether(and that means no dwelling on it in the future) or calmly discuss(not confront/accuse) it with your son. good luck!

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Oy! That sort of thing has happened to us before. In our case, it's just been total miscommunication (usually on my husband's part) has done the OPPOSITE of what we wanted. AKA we wanted everyone to feel included, and on accident in trying to be 'fair' end up making someone feel unwelcome.

It doesn't happen very often NOW, but it happened an awful lot when our son was little and we were a bit scatterbrained/ learning how to be good hosts / balance our family unit and out extended family.

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I don't think it was horrible for your son to invite his in-laws. Nothing in his text indicated that you would be the only grandparent invited. This is the problem with texting and how it changes the details and nuances of communication in that THERE AREN'T ANY. All you knew was that you were invited. And while you thought you were doing them a favor by getting your own hotel, I think you shot yourself in the foot by doing so if that left the void for your son to also invite his in-laws in addition.

Anyway, since you accepted the invitation and then made it a point to distance yourself by booking your own hotel, it's very possible that you came across as wanting to keep to yourself. They may have thought that they were honoring some need for alone time.

It's also possible that your daughter-in-law's parents had the same thought you did about making an invitation for dinner to your son's family. They have every right to invite whomever they want and not extend the invitation to anyone else. It would have been rude for your son to insist that you be included. Yes, it would've been nice for your DIL's parents to include you and feel an obligation, but really they're not obligated.

In any case I wouldn't view this weekend as "vacation." But I WOULD call your son and talk this out. There are too many "what ifs" and it's not worth having your feelings hurt over miscommunications and misunderstandings. You may have even misunderstood not being invited to dinner. Just call and calmly talk to your son.

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I would have told them that you rented the room to get a good fireworks display before the other set of parents called where they wanted to go for fireworks. You are only hurting yourself by not going and I know what it's like. I go through this all the time when I want alone time with my family and others invite themselves. Sounds to me like they wanted a babysitter to help in the room and when u declined they asked the other parents. If that's what they want for their trip then they kept looking till they found it and maybe they would have told u that but you already said u had a room booked. They could have made a big stink about that but they didn't. I would have asked if u could have gone along to dinner, then u would have gotten the reason why they wanted u to heat you're food up in their room. Maybe u misunderstood and they said you could heat your food up for another meal with them in their room. Why would u have to heat your food up in their room if u already had what sounds like a very nice room of your own? I think something may have been misunderstood here. Call and talk to them.

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The only criminal here is assumption. Plans with others need to be choreographed carefully. You were invited first, but you did make the assumption that the invitation would remain exclusive if you left room for others to be invited. Perhaps, in the future, you might communicate your intentions more clearly.

You don't know if they called her parents and invited them or if it happened rather innocently. Perhaps your daughter-in-law was simply talking with her parents and mentioned that you were coming and had reserved your own place to stay after they had invited you along and her parents saw the opportunity to join in and asked. Perhaps she was in a position where she had no comfortable reason to decline.

Had you told them that you wanted them to have more space for enjoying themselves on their holiday and had rented your own space as a gift to them, then, perhaps, she would not have felt she could give that gift away and would have been able to tell her parents that it would be rude of her to invite them under the circumstances and then make other plans to be with them another time.

It amazes me how, no matter how mature we are, it is so easy for us to feel deprived when things do not go as we expected. No matter how much love there is in a family, it can get cut off so easily when we feel offended. The most important thing any mother or grandmother can give her children is her happiness.

If I were in your position, I would take this one as a lesson learned. I would be grateful that I had been invited and that my son and his wife are considerate enough to invite the grandparents on their holidays and would make room for them even in tight quarters. I would wish them well and genuinely hope they all have a blast. Then I would take that money I was going spend on them and go do something with it that would give my heart great joy. Depending on my mood, that might be buying new clothes, a day at a spa, or providing a joyful holiday weekend for a family less fortunate and spending my weekend curled up with a book.

Just keep in mind that you will never know the details of what others were thinking or how all the invitations occurred. But, you do know what you are thinking and you are the one who gets to decide whether you will spend the weekend kicking yourself and feeling disappointed, or whether you will invest the weekend with happiness.

By the way, you might also spend part of it planning out the sort of time you would like to spend with your grandchildren. I do hope you enjoy these days!

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