More Affection

A great place to start is just through simple compliments, especially when they are said sincerely and not meant to be "lovey dovey". In my marriage, nothing makes me feel better than to acknowledge the things my husband does. Sometimes its the extraordinary things like when he goes above and beyond with housework or helping with our son. Sometimes its the normal stuff like calling him at work and saying how much I appreciate the fact that he works a job he doesn't love so that we can have all that we have. I've found that appreciation of the small stuff can mean even more than the big things. And even though you are not looking for compliments in return, its likely that he'll respond in kind if you begin addressing him this way....

The best of luck to you....

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I would ask him what HE thinks is nice ways of showing attention. You may knock yourself out trying to be more affectionate and it may not be what HE wants. Ask him for clear, specific ways to be more specific and then work on doing those things. Good luck.

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M.,

I can't really offer advice, but I am in the same boat as you. I have three kids under 4 and am a SAHM. My husband works long hours, so the bulk of our responsibilities (except the very important and much-appreciated resposibility of earning money so we can live)I take care of. My way of showing my husband affection is to make meals he likes, start his car on cold days, pull it into the garage at night so he doesn't have to scrape the windows, always answering the phone when he calls and tslking about whatever he needs to talk about, buying the gifts for people in his family so he doesn't have to worry about it, putting the kids to bed so he can have some time to himself to relax, leaving him notes, etc. None of that counts to him. He wants me to physically touch him. I get irritated because he pouts when I can't hug him for 10 minutes when he comes home at 6 because I'm getting dinner on the table so we can eat as a family, and usually have the baby in a sling so I can nurse her WHILE I make dinner! I feel like I can't win. If I devote an entire night to sitting with him, hugging, holding hands, etc. while we watch what he likes on tv, he complains when I don't do the same thing the next night, too. As is, he goes to bed 2 hours before I do and sleeps in at least an hour longer than I do in the monring. I have so much to get done around here (and believe me, I am not a neatnik. I'm barely keeping my head above water with basic housekeeping:), how can I fit it all in and sleep at least 4 hours a night??

The only thing I can suggest is to try putting a hand on him when he walks by, pointing out the ways you show affection (in case he doesn't realize some of the things you are doing are your way of showing affection), and asking him for specifics on what he would like. Good luck. You are not alone.

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Hi M.:
I am an affectionate person by nature, and I know what you mean when you say it isn't all about sex... sometimes it's more about simply paying attention to your husband (which is really tough some busy days!) and reminding him that he is a priority to you. You don't need to be hugging on him all the time, but basic things like a random peck on the cheek with a smile and a quick hug from out of the blue work wonders. If you need to, leave yourself little reminders (on your cell phone, blackberry, post-it note in the laundry room, whatever) so that you force yourself to remember to do one little thing a couple times a day, so you won't slip back into your old routine.
Try surprising him with a greeting card (and stock up if he responds well to that, so whenever you feel you need one, you can grab one from your stash), or making his favorite dinner or a special dessert - I find that little gestures go a long way. Tell him how good he looks when he's off to work, or how much you love watching him play with your kids - things that make him feel good about himself and important to you.
You can really get creative with your ideas, but in your case I would go back to the basics and start with the little reminders to yourself, so that it becomes a habit. Good luck!
A

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You had better force yourself and figure out how to change! I am a somewhat non affectionate person myself. I am on my second marriage, my first husband also said I failed him in that area and trust me he wasn't talking about sex either. He wanted me to drop everything and meet him at the door at the end of the day with a glass of tea.. and a kiss. He wanted me to have my hands on him or be close and touching him most all the time, and yes in public. I had so many kids I had my hands and attention on them that I didn't realize his needs until it was too late. He never voiced these things until the end when we were trying to work things out but we didn't. My friend who he ended up marrying does keep her hands on him and does the things he wants................... start today!

Hi,

I have been married 20 years today, my hubby and I have gone through this same situation that you have M.. Forcing yourself or hiding sticky notes is not the way.

Just to hold his had on the couch, or a walk. To tweek or pinch his bottom when you walk past him. Inquire about his day. Forcing this will only make you resent it all the more.

We all have affection within ourselves. You just have to make abit more effort for your to show through.

As the other ladies have mentioned, stroke or fix his hair, hold hands, pinch his bottom, ear lobes. Affection can be in many ways.

I have made it 20 years with 3 girls, you will be ok.

J.

Let me explain from you hub's point of view, if he hasn't already he may be too proud to. I am someone who lives for affection indefinitely. I will start by saying, if you have to ask for it, you feel like it takes away from it and theres no point in it. You want your spouse to WANT to touch you, and that you shouldn't have to ask for a hug,kiss,etc.
It probably started w/ me as a kid. I was always hugged and kissed and held, even as I got older. I learned to expect this from my husband who is somewhat affectionate, but not as much as I feel like I want him to be. There are times when I'm sitting in bed or on the couch and am desperate for affection. If he pushed me away I would be devestated and thank god thats never happened b/c I wouldn't know what or how to react. He's really good about recognizing when I need it most. I am not an overly touchy feely type either, I just need a small sign.
There are times when he is seeking it and I know I've been wrapped up in daily stuff and have ignored his needs too. You have to take the time to recognize his, and your needs when it comes to affection. Its the thing about love that reassures the other person you still have it. Humans by nature seek love and if they don't have it and can't get it, well I would imagine it would get pretty darn frustrating and spill over into other parts of their lives. It relieves stress and overcomes sadness. There is something healing and powerful in just a hug.
I would suppose after years of not getting it and knowing you don't want to give it, well than they may not want it from you anymore b/c they feel as though its not genuine. I don't know if that makes any sense.
Men LOVE being doted on. Hold his hand in the car, or even a hand on the knee. Give him a smile and a hug when he walks in the door from work. Play with his hair (if he has any). Do something you know will make him happy and feel special like bake his fave cookies. A kiss on the cheek before bedtime, a two minute neck massage, get creative. Obviously he should be doing some reaching out too, it can't be all you giving and not receiving.
If my hub wansnt affectnte, I wouldn't be able to survive a marriage to him for long. It would be like being married to a lazy guy that didn't work, its that important to me. Its probably that serious if he's said to you out loud it could end your marriage. He means it!!

first of all, don't put your feelings into catigories. labeling them will make them too specific and then make them too hard to live up to. don't let some self help book tell u how to feel or how to react to the man of your dreams. labels limit u. if u are not good at the physical affection, send him notes in his jacket or lunch. if it is possible, call him at work just to say hi. leave small trinkets where he can find them. take the time to just say i luv u and really mean it. maybe if u let him show u affection first, u will better understand what he wants. if he is truly the man of your dreams, close your eyes and find that emotion in u, and let it manifest into the world. (a kiss on the cheek and a hug never hurts!!) affection is not something u should have to work at. it is effortless when u genuinely feel that luv. maybe u and your husband should take some time alone and reconnect. date each other again!!! find your luv!! it's inside u waiting for u to call on it! good luck and bright blessings!

Hi, Have you tried making his favorate meal and dessert, have candles lit and sit next to each other and talk about everything. When he leaves for work and comes home be waiting for him and give him a hug and ask how his day is. Give him hugs for no reason at any time. Make a "Date" with your husband and don't tell him what you have planned, make it a surprise. My husband and I do this and we have been married for 15 years. I was not an affectionate person when we got married but now I am. Do things spontaniously ( Sorry for the spelling). If you sit and watch t.v reach over ( during a commerical ) and say I Love You, or pat his hand, or get up and make a snack for him. It is the little things you can do that he may like. Write him notes and put them in places that he can find, like the bathroom mirror, on his steering wheel, in his briefcase, ect. Give him compliments, I do this to my husband and his face lights up. I hope this helps you.

M.,

It's hard to make yourself be something you aren't. But, in this case, I think it would be worth your effort to try as much as you can. And it sounds like you want to, and that's great.

My husband and I are very affectionate. But, you wouldn't know that if I didn't tell you. It's the subtle, little things that keep us emotionally and physically in touch...

A day never goes by that I don't tell him I love him or vice versa.

I always try to thank him when he does something around the house (even though it's his house, too). Or I tell him how sexy he looks folding laundry. Lol.

I email him at least once a day for whatever reason or send him a text. Usually it's actually about something (what do you want for dinner? who's getting the boys? etc), but I always add a comment or start it off, "Hey sexy" or whatever.

When I pass him in the hall, there is always some sort of grabbing going on. Either by him or me. We gotta watch this as our 2.5 y/o gets older, lol.

Lately, we've been sick, so sex hasn't been our normal. But, I still insist on being held or whatever. I also get a back scratch from him every single night. He does it and although he may tease me about it, I think he likes that I want him to touch me. Does that make sense?

I still wake up to pump (breastfeeding) in the middle of the night and when I get back into bed, I always kiss him or rub his back or hold him - even if just for a minute.

Again, it's not like we are attached at the hip or anything in fact, a lot of nights one of us (him) will fall asleep on the couch and the other goes to bed. But, I think it's the silly little things that just keep us going. We've been married for almost 7 years and together for 10.

Good luck.

T.

I would try casually touching him a few times a day. It could be a hand on the shoulder, his waist... whatever. Also. compliments. I have discovered a WORLD of difference when i give my husband compliments and validation. : )

The word "routine" is the key to an answer. Try hard to break the routine you've developed with your husband. In my experience, it is the little things that make a difference: a hug or embrace from the back when he's occupied in something around the house; sitting close when watching television; holding hands at an unexpected moment. When he has left the house on an errand, be tuned in to the door opening and come to greet him: thank him for doing the errand, or just tell him you're so glad he's back. The unexpected is a pleasant break from "routine."

I realize this is a two-way street. I would expect that if you shared with your husband a need that you have that he would respond by trying to meet it. I'm not naive enough to think this is an assumption is accurate in many marriages. However, I believe marriage is a give and take, what I can do to meet needs I should do, and I would expect the same in return.

There are not many things in life in which "routine" is the best. If you're in this marriage for the long term, bring some serindipity into the relationship. You'll reap the benefits, too!

This is problem that I think all of us have to deal at one point or another. Some things I do, is sending my husband SMS in the middle of the day with lovey/cheesy messages, song lyrics are valid and helpful. Also when I am at the grocery store, look for a card to mail to his office. Buy a something special for him that is just a "I thought of you today" like his favorite candy bar. remember is the little things that count. I hope it helps.

M.,
With everything women do today it's hard to give to our needy. Some simple things might help the difference in you showing affection and not put you out of your comfort zone. Fix more of his favorite foods. Bake or buy his favorite desert. Surprize him with a small candy jar next to his chair. Fill it with nuts, candies, or a little love note. Sticky notes are my best friend. Great for short and sweet love messages. Serve him his plate once in a while. Offer to wash his back. Sneak a pick when he is showering but make sure he sees you, wink and go on. When he leaves for work a kiss and have a good day will take him a mile. When he comes home stop what your doing or go to him as soon as the door closes with did you have a good day or if your busy kiss him as you walk by and say missed you today. On a cold morning start his truck for him secretly. After all it has to warm up right? When you lay down give him a cuddly queeze and say I missed you today or I miss spending time with you honey. You don't have to get up in his face or all over his body to let him know you still love him dearly. Sticky notes or cards for no reason left on the bed are a great way to say I love you. Try a note in his briefcase, lunch bucket, steering wheel, in his shoe, with his keys, somewhere you know he will find it. Make them up ahead of time so you got plenty to use without taking alot of time to write them. Hide them well though ,lol A big winner for me but does take sometime is secretly doing one of his manly chores. Mowing, trash, cleaning up his truck, or even shoveling. Mine lovvvvvvvves when I clean our huge drive way out with the tractor before he gets home from work. We get lots of snow and he dreads coming home after work and cleaning it out because it takes about 2 hours to do. I have hit the retention wall a few times and ripped up the ground but he seems to not mind because I did his job for him. If you don't have time to do that then have some homemade cocoa ready for him when he comes in. You can find it on the hershey's website. A can of cinnimon rolls while you cook supper for the next morning with his coffee is a good one too. Things like this don't take alot of time just a simple act of thoughtfulness and love. You can tell him also they were made just for him with love. they like that line. lol. Don't do things like this everyday maybe twice a week. Something you might want to start doing is once a month or bi weekly , or even weekly is have a date night. You can go all out for a night on the town, a movie, dinner or a walk around the block and yes even in the cold. This gives him a good reason to cuddle up when you get home and you get what you need warmed up and he gets what he needs your love from cuddling. Use your imagination, think back on how you attracted him in the first place with the little things. You said it yourself it's not the sex he is wanting it's the love and attention. Maybe add an unexspected fire to your love making so he emotionally needed. If you truely want to save your marriage this is a small sacrifice to make. Luck to You.

You are not alone. I myself enjoy affection from my husband, and complain about it at times, but in turn I also need to make sure I am returning it as well. My husband mentioned the other day that he likes little surprises every now and then.

I have at times sent him e-cards, or set up weekends away w/o the kids. Something I want to start when the weather warms up a bit is going for walks together in the evening.

I remember one time when my hubby had to be away on business for a week, I put little notes attached to clothes or in the suitcase that he would find during the week.

I also think greeting him when he comes home, and telling him you missed him or asking how his day was. My husband sometimes complains that no one even notices him when he comes home, except the dog. LOL.

I am an affection person by nature, but I still need to step it up a bit myself.

L.

My husband complains about the same thing. I have found that it's the simple stuff. I try to always make it a point to sit next to him, put my arm across his neck, and run my fingers through his hair while doing so. Also, he's happier when I have my hand on his knee or my head against his shoulder. I think that with men, they see all the attention we give to our children, and deep down they're jealous of it and don't understand why they're not getting the same amount of it.

I think this is a difficult area for a lot of Moms. Giving so much affection to children all day can wipe out our ability to give to our spouses. I know I have been guilty of thinking, "your old enough to take care of yourself so let me have a few minutes to myself" But not showing affection can translate as a lack of appreciation, which can wreak havoc with a spouse.
My advice is to start small. A hot cup of coffee served with a pat on the back and a genuine "Good morning", a sweet smile when he comes home at night and something extra for dinner that you know he likes, be it the way something is prepared or served or a favorite recipe. Notes in the lunch box are cute and don't have to say much more than "thinking of you". I like to turn down the bed covers on his side of the bed at night, little things say "I'm thinking of you".
Hope this helps.

I know as Moms we are all busy...so reading is not always what we make time for...but there is an EXCELLENT book called "The Five Love Languages"...I lent out my copy, so I can not recall the author, but I know it is available in just about any bookstore and on amazon.com as well.
It talks specifically about how we all speak and respond to love in different languages, "Physical, Acts of Service, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time and Gifts!" I found my husband and I speak VERY DIFFERENT Languages, but once we both read the book, we understood each other better and were more aware of the needs of each other....
Affection to your husband- If not sexual, may be defined as quality time, or words of affirmation...
I am a words of affirmation person...and a gift person! My husband hid Hershey kisses in my coffee cup one morning and sent an email to me from work hoping I enjoyed waking up to kisses in my cup! I was smiling all morning knowing he had thought of me, before he left and while at work....it made my day! He is a physical and quality time person....I make it a point to arrange "date nights" for us without kids, just us! Kids are sent on overnights, so we truly are just us!
Minor, I know, but our love is very strong these days, and I attribute it to our awareness of each other. We have been married for 18 years now...and had a REALLY rough time from years 7-11.....
Read the book!

M.,
You are not alone! I have always been affectionate, but with the 4 children, full time job, chores, errands, and family committments... I am too tired at the end of the day. I want to sleep, not snuggle. I think there is a perception that women that women can do it all and please their husbands, but that is unfair and wrong.
Try to make a date time with your husband to give him more touch time... massages are nice as well as snuggling on the couch while watching the television.
Try to find some peace and quiet time for yourself though. If you are running on empty all of the time, you won't will become resentful to those who are depleting your energy.
Good luck!
K.

Hi M., I was sad to read your email. It hits on something I have been thinking about, and that was the mention of the end. A friend of mine is also contemplating a problem between her and her husband which she feels could be the end.... My feeling is that when trying to solve a problem in a marriage "the end" should be out of the discussion. It makes every so heavy and soliciting- so much pressure that it makes it hard to work together to solve the problem. Any way that can be taken back off the table?

On being affectionate, I have been thinking on this for you. One, as mentioned above it is hard to do under pressure! For when I feel affectionate it is usually spontaneous and out of love or gratitude (like when he comes home from a day at work and washes all the bottles!)Two, perhaps try contemplating a trait or feature you like about your husband. And last, has he been able to define affectionate for you? Like does he mean taking his hand in the mall? If he gives you some particulars, just do them even if it does not feel totally comfortable and over time hopefully it will.
All the best to you.

I've always been the more affectionate person driving my poor "unaffectionate" husband batty. The problem might be that your way of expressing affection isn't what your husband wants. It doesn't mean you have to try to change the kind of person you are but learn how you both express your love and making a slight adjustment within both of you.

For my husband he is expressing his love and affection to me by doing things for me while I express myself with words, and physcial affection. I learned that to tell my husband I loved him without making him feel like I was being clingy was to go and do things for him. Run an errand, make dinner, send him to bed early. He learned that just by coming home and giving me a quick hug before seeking his needed solitude we felt loved by one another better and things began to run much more smoothly.

Key is finding out how you each express your love and recognizing it when given and speaking it a little yourself. You may never be a very affectionate person in the way your husband likes, because that isn't you. You can learn to be affectionate in the way that comes naturally to you and show that you understand him by giving some affection in the way he understands naturally. Like a foreign language it takes work, but you didn't make it this long without putting hard work in.

At least always give hime a kiss goodnight!

If you are married to the man of your dreams then you need to let him know this as often as possible. I had similar issues with my husband who isn't really affectionate and even though I try not to take it personally, it really gets to me sometimes. This is what I told him "If you truly love someone and appreciate them then why would you let one day go by without telling them so?" Life is too short not to let the people you love know it. The smallest things can mean the world and make a huge difference. If he is telling you that he needs this, please take him very seriously. You can send him a text message during the day to let him know you love him and are thinking of him. You can surprise him by packing him a lunch and sticking a note in the bag saying you think he is sexy. You can make time for just him and take him on a date. Get a babysitter and enjoy your time alone. You will definitely show affection by touching him when you are talking to him, you can touch him on the shoulder or arm or hold his hand for a second, you can give him a massage, make him a special dinner, buy him a treat, something that says you are thinking of him and that he is special. I am sure that since you are not this type of person, it may be hard for you to understand, but try to think of your husband as you think of your 2 year old and realize how much love and attention you give to him without even blinking an eye and try to find some of that for your husband. You can compliment him, you can do small tasks for him like take his car to the car wash, buy him a magazine or simply share a cup of coffee with him and tell him how much you appreciate him. Little things mean a lot.

A little note on the mirror after a shower saying I love you.
A kiss when he gets home or vise vera
Holding hands while in the car
If you make his lunch for work, a little note in there to tell him you love him
Surprise him with a nice dinner.
Hold hands or cuddle while watching TV
Set a night out a week just for the two of you.

You need to read the five love languages. That helps so much in a marriage as to what makes each other tick. Hope that helps. A

Well, make sure you kiss him every day. If you are in the car or sitting on the couch ect, hold hands. Does he like to watch movies? If so, cuddle on the couch with him and watch a movie. These are good little things to get you started.

here we go... this is what i've been told, believe, & tell all who need it. *The formula for being IN LOVE, not just 'loving' someone, is actually a selfish formula & it works both forwards & backwards & for both people (like math): "i love how i feel about myself when i'm around you" & "i love how you make me feel." HOW 'BOUT THAT! makes sense now-eh? you see, when i've heard people say they just fell 'OUT OF LOVE' it drives me crazy! they really just don't FEEL good around their mate & that person just isn't making them FEEL loved. emotions are unstable, unreliable & NOT the foundation of the commitment of marriage, GIVING YOUR WORD WAS: to GOD & EACH OTHER. i always say 'the vows said 'til death do us part--NOT 'or until i don't LIKE you anymore!'

so for the folks who have 'fallen out of love' the answer is SIMPLE. biblicly speaking, 'Love is patient, love is kind, it does not boast...etc.' IF you go & DO those acts again,(like dating...) YOU WILL FALL IN LOVE AGAIN! (& YOUR MATE TOO!)
**SIMPLE - GOLDEN RULE-( A.K.A.-consideration)treat others how you want to be treated--MORE OVER-treat them how THEY WANT to be treated & in the long run, giving a bit of yourself NOW , is a small sacrifice. you should WANT to give that gift of love for the ONE person YOU picked out of the WHOLE WORLD. (sounds to me to be a case of 'i don't want you to want me- i want you to WANT to want me-ya know?) people don't just grow up, they either grow together or apart: mix of circumstance & choice.

hope this helps you to DESIRE to want to ACT(show)like you love him.

I, too, am not a naturally affectionate person. My mom and sister both love to give people hugs, and they just seem to do it naturally to just about everyone they know, but I must have missed that gene! I tend not to hug people unless they initiate it, and even then I'm not very comfortable and relaxed doing it. That being said, I do find it enjoyable to give my husband affection. Still, I frequently have to remind myself to do it because I'll start to slack off if left to my natural tendencies. Whenever he's around I remind myself to touch him tenderly as I pass him in the room. When I leave the room to get ready for bed, I remind myself to give him a hug and a kiss. It's all about being aware of my tendencies and actively fighting against them. (I also happen to be naturally shy and have fought my whole adult life against those personality traits as well.) I hope my words have helped you at least a little bit. Good luck with that and just keep reminding yourself that you're "married to the man of your dreams" and continue to treat him that way!

Hi, my husband and I have similar issues. One thing we learned in counseling that, despite feeling unnatural to me, really, really works: You must go to bed together every night and you must spoon. You know, your back to his tummy and arms around you... Anyway, it always feels awkward to me especially when I have issues with him (the usual stuff), so being affectionate is hard. I like my space and and it is hard for me and seems unpleasant to break through that barrier. But every time I am surprised how nice it ends up feeling, and I wonder why we don't do it more often (It works but I admit we don't always do it...), Some of my complaints are about feeling isolated and out of touch now that I am home with kids. This technique creates a very powerful connection, just touching for a few minutes it really is a gift for me as well. (now you've got me set on doing this tonight). I feel more loved, I know he feels it, he is nicer, I am nicer. You'll surprise yourself. You won't want to do it, but just do it. It really works. Oh, and actually looking at each other at least once a day helps a lot too. If this is something you are interested in, make it a plan with your husband. That way if it feels forced at first, well it is, but your are committed to making an effort which should mean a lot to him too. After a minute it won't be. Good luck.

Hey M.,

This is a question right up my alley! I'm a romance consultant with For Your Pleasure. Although I offer intimate products I also provide education at my presentations. In fact, I have done lectures on such topics at IVY Tech in Bloomington.
So here goes.. a couple of questions
Do you have children? If so, are they in school?
Do you work outside of the home?
The reason I'm asking is for some women affection after a long day at home with the kids or a day at work can cause such issues. Men have NO idea that we are thinking away in our minds about a day and what we have to get done. Example: Did I get the laundry out of the dryer? When is the electric bill due again? So on...
Most men don't even think about this stuff. While women generally are always thinking away. It is our nature to be the caregiver so we can forget to be JUST a woman/wife.
Here are a couple of ideas you might try out and a great excuse to get pampered too.
Take one day to go to a day spa... we have a couple in town now! YAY!
Or perhaps buy a really sheek or sexy gown that only he sees. Both of these will make you feel great and wabt to share the love and affection. It sets the mood really nice when you create the date.
For example: you might send him a little love note while he is at work or slip it in his pocket before he goes. (I write them after my hubby goes to bed and slip them in his jacket pocket)It doesn't have to be a long note.. just something that says thinking of you, love you or can't wait till you get home!
Either way it makes him smile and he feels loved. I would also try to set an evening of just time for both of you. Grab a favorite movie (nothing to girlish) but something you both might like. Snuggle close after the kids have gone to bed.
Make a special snack of something sweet. (Hershey's sryup and strawberries are always a favorite here quick and easy..lol)Check online for some sexy treats. www.recipes.com has a large variety.Nothing that keeps you busy. A great site to get info about men and their ways is www.men.com
Try something with a pheromone in it like a lotion or after shower oil mist. These work great for making you feel sexy.
Touching is always a sign of affection. So if your sitting in the car run your hand through the back of his hair. Pat him on the tush once in awhile! lol They love that believe it or not! Whisper something sexy in his ear for no reason.
These ar ejust a few tips and sheesh.. I have written a novel! lol Sorry!
Anyway, feel free to email me as I have tons of these little tricks to make him feel like the king in his castle that don't take too much time or effort. After dealing with a hard day yourself who needs more WORK! Or so it can feel like sometimes.
Best Wishes and Keeping you in my thoughts,
M. Hayes

Just little things like sitting close on the couch, a peck on the cheek now and then will help a lot. Guys need constant reassurance that they're men. Have you read Dr Laura's book "the proper care and feeding of husbands"? I don't agree with everything she says, but it's a great book with insight to a man's brain and their needs.

I can appreciate where your husband is coming from, I am feeling the same way and some ideas I gave my husband were easy little things but mean so much, for example, text messaging me during the day to say hi, or I love you, when I come home, greet me with a hug or kiss, when we go out in public, hold my hand or even if we sit on the couch together watching tv, hold my hand or snuggle up with me, little things that mean so much, call him during the day to say Hi, make his favorite meal, rent his favorite movie, if he likes coffee, pick him up a starbucks, little things make a huge difference. making sure before you leave or hang up the phone, say I love you, when you are by him in the kitchen or anywhere, touch him ,even jsut playin, like my husband will purposely bump into me and smile or touch the small of my back, just a small physical contact. It means so much. Affeciton does not need to mean buying gifts or going out of your way. On my lunch every day, I text him adn just send him a smile, simple but loving. I dont know if this helped at all. I hope it did~
M.

My husband likes little shoulder and back rubs. These are simple enough touches of affection, and you can take a few minutes standing at the kitchen sink or when settling down for bed.

I would suggest a book first...."The Five Love Languages." It explains a lot about when you "speak" different languages and how you can reach each other better.

But, I would suggest using email, IM, etc... My husband is like you and I've tried to email him during the day. It seems easier because I get the affection, but he doesn't feel like he's forcing it when it's uncomfortable. Affection doesn't always mean touch. It can be gifts, words of encouragement....lots of little things.

Hope this helps some.

I agree with Tracy. If it doesn't come naturally, you need to force/remind yourself to be more affectionate. I'm sure it will take some work for you to remember. Maybe in the morning everyday you can mentally plan out when/what you will do, then switch the times for the next day,etc, so it doesn't become obviously planned to him. (I have no idea if this is a good idea or not, but it is all I have! LOL) Good luck!

Regardless of how unaffectionate you are, it does take "going out of your way" to show someone you love them. I guess after time it becomes easier for some. When I use the term "going out of your way", I am using that in a positive sense. Each day we have our own agenda, things that need to get done or places to go. When you "love" someone, it's an action. You need to do something that "loves" that person, whether it be showing kindness, generosity, gentle touches, gazing looks into one another's eyes, or just enjoying their presence. Love is so much more than a feeling, it's what you do. In our case, my husband likes to feel needed. I will say things like, "Hey muscles, could you open this jar for me?" If I tried hard enough I could probably open it myself, but I want him to know that I need him. I will also remark about clothes he is wearing by saying, "That color looks really nice on you." Everything I say or do for him is from my heart. I may also say, "I am so thankful for you and how you take care of our family." They love being the breadwinner. I have even left notes in his lunch that may say something like, "What are you wearing?". I have called him on the phone and told him that we had a date that night (he knows what that means!!)I found with my husband, all he could do was think of that!!! LOL!! After writing all this, I realized I haven't said anything to my husband lately that showed my love for him. Thanks for helping me remember!!! Good luck to you.

M.,

I understand how a naturally affectionate person would need affection from his/her spouse. I think it's great your husband brought this issue up to you instead of keeping it bottled up. I really think you should make a concerted effort to be more affectionate. You can leave yourself sticky notes in hidden places reminding you to hug/kiss your husband when he gets home from work. OR, to hold his hand while you're watching tv together. Sometimes people just need reminding. OR, when he's watching tv go behind him and start rubbing his shoulders, or give him a kiss on the cheek. Tell him "i love you" at random times during the day. I really think the little things like this are so important in a marriage. Good luck.

I am glad to hear someone else is like that it is also causing trouble in my marriage I feel so bad at times but I also have a hard time with affection. I would like some pointers I am a mother of 4 children all older and my first marriage was ended for that reason and my new husband of 7 years is starting to get upset about me not being a affectionate enough but even though my children are alittle older I am always affectionate with them and it does not bother me. Good Luck M. can anyone help?

Communicating needs in marriage is a good place to begin. When your husband has such strong feelings about wanting more affection, he should have some thoughts about what sorts of behaviors you, his wife, could give which would meet his picture of a "happy marriage". If he is unwilling to "spell it out", he cannot expect you to "read his mind"!
Also, I think it is interesting today that so many people enter marriage with the attitude that 'it is more important what's in it for me' than 'what am I bringing to the marriage.' Then when these people do not 'get what they want,' they want out of the marriage. How immature is that?
Is your husband the kind of person who makes it easy for you to be affectionate? In other words, is he affectionate with you. A lot of grief and pain never comes into the picture when we are the kind of person we are expecting others to be.

What comes to mind to me is this. You should rush to buy the book "The Five Love languages" www.fivelovelanguages.com I believe there is also a short test online. From there ask your husband to take the test from the back of the book and you take it too. Then read the beginning of the book and the parts about each of your primary love languages. I believe if you explain to your husband you want to find out how to make him feel the best loved and this could explain him better to you than he'd be likely to try it. One thing is once you see what you need to do for him you could literately keep a little check list of a sort. Starting out checking to see you full his love tank is daily and then as you become to fall into the habit check it less often.
I hope and pray that you two will put all the effort in needed to loving each other and staying together. We've been through rough patches in our 5 years so far and I'm sure there are more to come. Sometimes you have to know that love is a decision. :hugs:

It's just a matter of building things into your daily routine. Make it part of your routine to hug and kiss before leaving the house or going to bed. Do the same upon returning. When you walk by him, reach out and give his arm a squeeze or give him a quick hug or a peck on the cheek. When you watch tv together, sit together on the couch. Put your hand on his knee or link your arms and put your head on his shoulder. Tell him you think he's sexy/handsome when he's doing little things around the house. Build in a little 'us' time after the kids go to bed. You don't have to start doing everything all at once. Try differnent things and see if they work for you. Don't do something you feel completely uncomfortable with. Just make sure to do something until it becomes a habit. If you always hug/touch when you pass each other, it will become second nature. If that makes sense. So, when he comes home from work today...give him a big hug and a kiss. I bet he'll appreciate it.

I would say add more touch to your interactions. Reach out your hand and gently squeeze or stoke his thigh for a moment when you sit down to dinner. Say thank you with a hug or a cheek squeeze. Learn some massage techniques and give him a neck and shoulder rub for a minute before you sit down next to him on the couch. I would say, too, make sure you have enough me time for yourself. Maybe giving affection doesn't come naturally to you because you don't feel like you have anything left to give after a long day. Maybe you are so stressed that a little touch feels like over stimulation. Give yourself the time to recharge. Take a bath every night and relax.

Do you give your husband a hug and kiss when you or he gets home from work everyday? I don't mean a little pat and a peck on the cheek. I mean a real kiss with feeling. I might not do this every night, but I do at least three out of five work days. My husband and I have been married just over 10 years. Especially after that many years of marriage I want to make sure he always knows how much I love and appreciate him. And don't be shy about giving him a big hug and kiss when your children are in the room. It is good for children to know their parents love each other!!
Also, if you have a night of the week when you both enjoy watching a T.V. program, sit together and hold his hand. It isn't anything huge but it shows affection. I am sure he would like to hold your hand too.
Now and again go on a date together. No kids!!!! Don't make any of this a chore, enjoy yourself.

Hi M.,

I try to do little things for my hubby - make him his favorite food w/o telling him, he just walks in and there it is.
The other day I mailed him a card to the house, he loved that.
This one - my grandmother taught me on my edding day. Take a nice bath before bedtime - have the bed ready, nice clean linens, sprayed with a light fragrance, come out in a sexy gown....

I also send me sexy or sexual text messages sporadically. once I even sent him a pic of my "you-know-what" cos I knew he'd like it - on his cell.

I try to make efforts since kids make us tired, busy and sometimes wrapped up in our "responsibilities".

Hope I was able to contribute to some ideas. Although the simple gestures are important.... special things are nice too.

I may buy him his favorite wine, let him sleep in one morning ....

men need affection just as much as we do. we show affection just by doing things for eachother. everyday we say we say we love you- or say "you and me against the world" we both work so we split up the household chores. I try so hard to remember to say thank you for anything he may have done. a year ago my 18 year old daughter gave us a really hard time. I have seen many marraiges break up over the problems but together my husband and I became more spiritual and that in turn also brought us closer together as a coulple. with a teenager and two little boys I can certainly relate how people can get caught up in every day stuff. we put our kids to bed by 730 and that leaves us time to be on our own to do our own thing for whatever length of time and then my husband and I will meet up at 8 or 9 and have a drink together or watch a movie and sometimes just sit and talk. when the weather is nice we enjoy a quiet walk together. there are to many times my husband would like to discuss his job and the kids, dog phone do not give him much time. I try to give him at least 15 min a day of my ear- a peck on the check. hug him while hes doing dishes. tell him what a great father and husband he is.
I think its great that your husband is communicating his needs to you and you are looking for help. thats a great start. I wish you the best of luck.