I have a dilemma, I am 6 weeks pregnant with my first child. My husband has a 9 year old from his first marriage. My husband has just asked me to think about just having him in the delivery room. My mother who lives in Texas will be coming down to help us with the baby for 6 months.She has not been able to see the delivery of either one of her other 2 grandchildren for uncontrolled reasons. I was very much looking forward to having her there as well as my husband for support. His reasoning for wanting this is that with his first child his mother in law "hogged" most of the attention and he felt rejected and as if he did not belong. I am torn and don't know what to do. My husband usually doesn't ask for much. I am not sure if to talk to my mom about his feelings or what. PLEASE HELP.
Well i want to thank everyone for all the wonderful advise. I know i have plenty of time to think about this but i think i will have us all sit down and discuss it and make sure no one over steps. I love both my mom and DH and really want them to come together and both be their for me.
I would just talk with her. She has to understand. I told my mother that it was only going to be myself and hushband. I basically said it was the two us to conceive the baby so it will be just the two of in the delivey room. Mom understood. I let her in the whole time after.
Because of your husband's previous experience, he has a legitimate reason to be concerned. However, he needs to understand that it does not mean that the situation will be repeated---especially if your mother and husband get along well and work as a team...Your husband is probably more concerned about the fact that this may be the last opportunity for you and him to spend some "alone" time for a long while. That is because the new baby as well as your mother's six month stay will immediately make new demands on your time/schedule. Therefore, it would be a good idea to discuss and/or develop a plan that will spell out the boundaries and expectations of you, your husband and your mother. In so doing, you will be able to agree/compromise and to be agreeable with your final decisions. After all, you are all concerned about you and your baby. Congratulations and good luck!
You should put your husband's wishes first. He wants it to be a special moment with you and your new baby. If your mom is going to be staying with you for 6 months (wow, that's a LONG time), he should be able to have that time with you and the baby before she's in on everything.
How does he feel about your mom staying for so long? That seems like a much bigger issue to me! It's hard to settle into a new family routine with someone else there, and it will also be VERY EASY to overlook your husband's needs. You should be really careful about this, because if you spend the first 6 months of your child's life valuing your mom's opinions more than his, it doesn't bode well for your future....
Hi S.- I actually waited for some quiet time to respond to your letter. I have a couple of suggestions. First, honestly think about your Mom. Is she the type that will hog the attention. If so, maybe you should grant your husband's request. The birth process is his as well and the two of you come first. Also, is your hubby going to step up to the plate and do what's needed for you. Is that perhaps why his ex M-I-L "hogged" the attention. If your Mom isn't the hogging type and you are sure you'll get what you need from hubby, perhaps your husband just needs to be reminded and assured that you are not his first wife, your Mom is not his first mother in law and that his presence and needs are of the utmost importance to both of you. Then have a discussion with your mom about it and tell her how he feels and to please be sensative and wait to be invited into your moment when the baby comes. I did not want my Mom in the delivery room and told her there were only two people allowed. I never realized there was a big sign in the waiting room stating three people were allowed in the room. She ended up coming in and it all went OK. But dont lie, otherwise her feelings will be hurt even more. Lastly, have you thought about having another person responsible for keeping her under control. My sisters job was to make sure my mom didnt get on my nerves. Either way, make sure YOU dont get lost in the mix. Have an easy and wonderful birth. Good luck.
You do have plenty of time to decide one way or the other... let me tell you my experience.
With our 1st child (and my Mom's 1st grandchild), she was visiting from Canada and in the delivery room (along with my sister) when DD was born. Although I loved the fact that she was there, she also said something to my DH that was fiercely maternal and dampened his enjoyment of the moment... I can't remember what exactly... I was busy! LOL (My sister said that watching the experience made her NEVER want to have children!) My mother also DROVE ME CRAZY the last few days before I delivered because she was behind me every step it took, it seemed. And I was already on edge, nervous and so ready to have the baby at the time... her nervousness/excitement added to my pressure, I guess. (She stayed with us for two weeks before the baby and three weeks afterwards because she lives in Canada and because I gave birth naturally we didn't know when to expect our 1st.)
I WANTED her here, I WANTED to share the experience with her, my DH didn't want it as much... but I talked him into it.
With our 2nd child, we decided that it just be the two of us. It was so much more peaceful and special with just the two of us there to deliver and bond with our son. I know I was probably more relaxed because it was #2 and I wasn't as nervous, but it was much more of a bonding experience with my DH, our son and I. DD and my sister came later to the hospital... along with DH's parents.
My Mother wanted to be there again... but I used the excuse that we didn't know when he was coming and it was a far way to travel. I finally had to say that we were going to be by ourselves in the delivery room and that she could plan a trip a few weeks after my due date. I know it was hard for her not to see her grandchild within moments of being born, but it was important for US to BOND AS A FAMILY this time before anyone else. SELFISH, maybe... but it kept my DH very happy and me very sane!
You should really consider his feelings... consider yours too... talk it out. If this is the only child you are having together, make sure you don't have any regrets whatever decision you both make.
When your time comes, best wishes for a quick, healthy and peaceful delivery whatever decision you make.
CONGRATULATIONS!! It's a little early to think about all this....I would wait a few months and not say anything to either of them. In the meantime you can pray about it or think about it more. Maybe ask a few more people whose guidance you trust or even call Dr Laura! Seriously, she would say that your husband is your first priority, that when you marry, you leave your parents and bond to that man, and the marriage relationship takes priority above all others. i know that's not easy because your mom is a great source of comfort and support, especially during this time....but she can still be in the hospital to see you and the baby right after delivery, and help you at home after! there is plenty of opportunity for her to bond with the new baby and to support you. I would honor my husband first. Your mom should come to understand this, and if not, it's a good time to work on setting that boundary and defining your new family!
S., why don't the three of you sit down and discuss this lovingly and openly? Ultimately, it is YOUR decision as the laboring Mom who will be in the delivery room with you. If you can't get the three of you together in the same room yet, do a conference call. Make sure that everyone agrees not to argue about it, but to just discuss the situation and how he or she feels about the situation. Maybe Hubby and Grandma can learn to be more sharing and cooperative with each other so that they can both focus on YOU AND THE NEWBORN instead of their egos. I'm not trying to be mean, but it sounds like other people are trying to upstage the real stars in this show, and that's just not right.
So do have a reasonable discussion, early in the pregnancy, to avoid any last minute urgency or 9-month-long resentments and tensions.
I hope the whole family can just relax and REJOICE!
This is delicate to be sure, but it is up to you. I would talk to your Mom about your husbands concerns and your desire for her to be there. Hopefully she will respect his concerns and be able to support you at the same time. I would also talk to him and remind him that this is about you and bringing your child (together) into this world and family full of love. The fact he already has a child is irrelevant. Would your want to be excluded from your next child because you were there for the first one? Good luck and congrats.
Talk to your hubby about why he doesn't want your mom there and then tell him why you would like her there. I'm a doula and a lot of dad's are apprehensive about me being there at first and then after the birth they're out in the hallway hugging me and telling me how wonderful it was and that they will recommend doulas forever. Just having a maternal prescence there will be wonderful for you if you want it. Hopefully your husband is willing to listen and to understand your needs and it isn't pushing him out. There are so many different levels of need that you will have he'll have a special place there no matter who's in the room. Good luck to you mama!
Does your hospital not allow more than one person in the room with you? I can understand if you are having a c-section as you will only be allowed to have ONE person in the operating room but if the room you labor in happens to also be the delivery room, why can't you have your husband AND your mom in the room? You must speak to your doctor AND the hospital you plan to have your baby at about this matter. If they only allow ONE person, then I'd have to say that the dad/husband takes priority. Your husband is your chosen life partner and the father of your baby. Your mom will need to respect this. You will live with your husband for the rest of your life (till death do you part) so it's in your best interest to do what is right and allow your husband to be by your side. DO ask your doctor about this....and after you get his/her response, talk to your hospital. It's been my experience that what my doctor said I could do, turned out that the hospital wouldn't allow.
Personally, I think that whomever YOU want to have in there is fine. YOU are the one that is going to be uncomfortable, possibly in pain, "exposed", etc.. If you are comfortable with your mom being in there and want her there, then talk to her and explain why your husband is hesitant. Maybe if he knows that she understands her role (support for BOTH you and your husband, and she is not the parent of the baby being born) then he will relax about it. Set boundaries for her. She can be in the room, but only background.. your husband will be holding your hand and RIGHT THERE and she is not to interfere/impede anything he is watching/doing, etc.
For me, I didn't want ANYONE in there except my spouse, and my spouse suggested letting his mother come in. I said NO. He wasn't happy, but accepted it over time. She wasn't even in the city when my son was born. So it became a non-issue. MY mother was, but I didn't want her in there either. Both times with both kids, it was just me and him. And everyone was fine with it.
It really is what will make you most comfortable. You need someone who will be YOUR advocate in there... helping YOU to relax and asking questions FOR you so that YOU understand everything that is happening (birth plans don't always go "as planned"). If you define your mother's role as supporting your husband so that he can support you, maybe you can all benefit.
If having her in there will cause stress for you, worrying about how your husband is feeling about it, or worrying that she might overstep or whatever, then it is not worth it. You need to be relaxed and focused only on delivery.. not the extraneous "feelings" that might result from who is there and who is not...
Good luck on this one.
May I add as one of the other posters mentioned, that 6 months is a LONG time for mom to stay with you afterwards. Frankly, if you want Dad to help with the baby when he/she is 8 months old (and really trying your patience, etc) then he needs to be helping regularly from day one. Otherwise it won't happen. And if Mom is there for 6 months, Dad will not be helping much, Mom will. I would suggest maybe a week or 2. By then, you will have adjusted to lack of sleep and be able to repare meals and do laundry, etc.. and hubby will have figured out how to help with feedings, diapers, soothing, etc. I hope and pray your mom is like mine was, and was extremely aware of how important a time of bonding this is for the mom,dad and baby. And steps back and only "helps" when you ask her to... my mom did most of her helping by sweeping the floor and washing clothes rather than directly with the baby. She was a Godsend! Discuss this thoroughly with her before the arrival.
My opinion is that if your husband is wanting to be in the delivery room- this should be a special moment for just you two! Three is often truly a crowd. Be honest with your mom; and assure her she will see the baby immediately after she/he is born! Good luck and my family prayers are with you-all!
PS: if your mom is still wanting to be there-then your husband should talk with her on who will do what. Prepare before hand...
God Bless You!
Congrats on your pregnancy. Have you considered a home birth? I know so many people fear a home birth but frankly they are safer than the hospital (unless there is an emergency). Widwifery has been around since the beginning of time and midwives have many more years of training than drs. Drs took over assisting in birth when they saw money could be made. Home birth is relaxing, you can move around in your own environment with your stuff. You can see who you want, do what you want. If you don't want anyone in the room, you can ask them to leave. It's less scary for a 9 year old too. Let's face it, hospitals are not a place for healthy people and giving birth is a VERY healthy thing to do. I know a very professional and highly experienced midwife if you're interested.
I have three children and my husband was there (in the delivery room) for all three births. I know that he cherished those moments....and still does today. That first bonding of the three of you together is very special!
If you are forced to choose....I think that this one has to go to the husband. After all, he is the father, and the one you have to live with and raise your children with.
Your mom can still be there and be the first one to hold the baby (besides you and your husband).
This is definately a no brainer. Your husband comes first, and if there is extra room, your mom may join for certain periods of time. This is His child, not hers. She was present for the births of her own children and should not take that away from Him. When I had my children, my husband was with me the entire time and my mother came in for a few minutes every now and then. Then, when I began to push, the nurse asked my mom to come in if she wanted to and observe while the baby was being delivered. She did and she stood back, so my husband would be close by my side. She was able to enjoy the moment, but not take away from our bonding experience while giving birth. That is a special time that you will regret if you don't make sure your husband feels honored and comes first.
It would be different if your husband couldn't be there with you or didn't want to be there with you (which you may resent).
Your mom will have to understand that you are His wife first and foremost, and no one else should ever take the place that is rightly His.
This is His first child with you and that is the same as His firstborn in many ways. He conceived with you and that union produced a baby. That is the utmost of intimacy and you have to make sure that He is your first priority. You will grow closer to each other as you give Him this respect.
Mother of 4
Wife of 1
Child of God
I think with a plan anything is possible. If you are ok with it, then by all means have your 9yr old step-son there as well. You can sit down and discuss specifics with your husband. How does he envision the older boy being involved? what happened last time to make him feel left out... Where do you both feel comfortable with him being- front row seat? in the room but looking at you and not your delicate parts? It is up to you and your husband knowing your comfort level and his maturity to decide. then make a plan together and then invite your mom over for dinner and discuss your concerns and the plan for your delivery. You know your mother best and I don't think it should be a problem if everyone is on the same page. Probbaly they never talked about it with the other mother-in-law.
I had my mom and husband in the room with me during the natural birth of my son. It was a blessing to have them both during labor and delivery.
I think the best thing you can do is express to your husband that you were looking forward to having both of them in the room with you. Tell him that you would like to work out a compromise. Ask him if he would be willing to have your mom in the room (with the both of you) for the delivery, then when the doctors take the baby out for testing you would like him to go with the baby (someone should) and then your mom could stay with you to help you. Eventhough the hard part is over and the baby is here you will want to adjust yourself in the bed once the doctors are done cleaning you up. You will have needs like a drink, you may be hungry (since you can't eat during labor), and you will want to take care of all your needs while the baby is away so that you can spend every moment with him when he returns.
I almost guarantee that the reason his last mother-in-law hogged all the attention is partly due to the mother of his child. Some woman turn more toward their mom in delivery because they feel they can understand instead of turning toward their husband.
I would definitely have a talk with your mom after you and your husband talk. Tell her that you want her there but you need to ask her a favor when she's there. Explain to her that your husband was pushed into taking a back seat in the birth of his first child and has a fear that it may happen again. Tell her that you know it will be an exciting time for all but that you need her help to make sure he feels like he is important. Ask her about the experience birthing you - was your dad and her mom in the room? how did she handle balancing the two people and making them feel important?
Wellllll it IS your & your DH's child not your Mom's, that said I wanted my Mom in who wasn't allowed when I had my girls.
Talk to your Mom, be honest, I'm sure she will understand. By the same token let your DH know how much it means to you to have her there for support, it may be that once things get going he will want a 'breather' and be happy to have her help. When my oldest & youngest delivered they had problems with post op 'shakes' I can't think of the name for it now! Anywho, I took care with the newborn and Dad was able to stay with his wife during the critical time. There are plenty of things that can be shared during this time, enough to go around...BUT I WOULD go along with your DH and introduce your wants little by little and not push, I'll bet he WILL come around once he realizes you & your Mom are willing to listen to his wishes. As time progresses he will see how much this means to you. There is alot of time left between 6 weeks and 9 months! Congrats! Good Luck!
I agree with 9 years old being a little young to see a live birth. Even though it is such a beautiful thing, I still think he may remember mostly the graphic images. Plus, I know when I gave birth I wanted the room extremely quiet. Everyone is different though. On another note... I think it would be quite useful to have 2 people in the room for a number of reasons. 1. You don't know how long your delivery will be and it might be nice for someone else to give your husband some short breaks. 2. When it comes time to deliver you will need someone to hold each of your legs while you push. As long as you want your mom in the room (because ultimately you are the one giving birth and you need an environment that is suited for you ... not everyone else) then I would just explain your husband's concerns with your mother and encourage him that this may be best for everyone. Just be very clear with everyone what your wishes are, so when the day comes you can just stay focused on the job you need to do in the delivery room. Hope this helps.. good luck and congratulations on your pregnancy!
This is tricky. I believe that your husband has to come before your mother, now that you are married. It’s biblical. However, at this time, YOUR wants trump both of them. You are the one delivering, and your needs and desires should be met – not theirs. I think it will be an easy one to resolve. Tell your husband that it isn’t fair to judge your mother, by his past MIL and that now’s the time to talk if he has a bigger reason than that. Call your mother and tell her that you would like some alone time with your husband and baby just after the delivery. So ask that as soon as she sees her grandchild come safely into the world, could she please quietly slip out and give you three some time. They should both understand this. And if they don’t, remind them that this is your show, not theirs.
He is your husband and he should come first. I always loved the line in the bible which says, "the two shall become one".
You can try talking to him about your dilema; however, you should respect his feelings. Remember she has had children and has already been in the delivery room.
Also, this is such a special moment between yourself and your husband.
I will add my two cents on my experience and you can tell your hubby this:
Originally, I did not want my mother in the delivery room. I just wanted it to be myself and my hubby. My parents live far away and I figured that a baby's delivery is too unpredictable. A baby can come late or early. We told them to come after the baby was born.
When I was in labor, I regretted that decision and wished that my mother was there. My delivery might have not been so stressful. I ended up having a c-section; I might not have had to have one if she was there. I really believe this. The delivery room was crazy. The second shift was like chicken's with their head cut off; When I have another child, she will be there.
My mother went through a tough delivery with my oldest brother so she knows what it's like.
If you need you mother for comfort, then you need to tell your hubby this; he should understand.
My mom was in the delivery times for my first 2 with my husband, the 3rd it was just my husband because she came so fast. Our mothers may be different, but my mom didn't "hog" anything. If you think it's going to be a problem, let her come in, but explain to the nurses the situation. I've delivered at 2 different hospitals and my nurses were great and they were so helpful and getting people out if I need them gone and controlling everything. Sometimes it's hard for YOU to say anything, but those nurses deal with lots. You still have 34 more weeks, I'm sure you 3 can figure something out and if you don't, the nurses will be glad to help!
With my first child, it was just my husband and I for the delivery but our mothers were in there up until then. With my second one though we allowed both our mothers in the room with the understanding that my husband had the say that if they overstepped their boundaries he could kick them out. It worked great. I ended up having a very difficult delivery and we needed them in there to help, so my husband could concentrate on helping me breathe and keeping the oxygen on my face and giving me the support I needed. Both moms were completely understanding of my husbands need to be in control for the occasion. And luckily noone got kicked out of the delivery room. That and they got pictures for us that we were not able to get with our first, and my husband was able to spend time with the baby instead of taking pictures.
Ask your OB too as mine would only allow one person there anyway...
Your husband needs to be there and if your mom can be too then tell her that as long as she is only there for support and to be in the background you would love for her to see the birth of her grandchild - assure your husband that you will tell your mum that if he becomes concerned that he is being pushed out he has every right to ask her to leave and tell your mum that you will have to support his decision no matter how much it hurts you - I think your mum sounds like she will understand and respect both of you and you are worrying for nothing...
You have plenty of time to work this out so don't stress much over it now and enjoy being pregnant. You know your mother best, is she the type that would take over? My philosophy on my two deliveries was if they weren't there at conception, they didn't need to be in the room at delivery. But then, my mother and I weren't that close. It might be a good idea for you to talk to both of them individually, then have a meeting with both of them (can be on the phone). If you want them both there, then they need to set aside their feelings and do what is best for you. Set duties for each ahead of time, hubby helps you breathe etc, mom gets your ice chips, fields phone calls, or however ya'll decide. My last pregnancy, I had my husband, a student nurse, the nurse and the doctor all telling me I could do one more push at the same time. It was too much, so I had to focus on only one person and block everyone else out. Set the boundaries ahead of time and it should go fine. And the delivery room nurses are great room police. Tell them ahead of time what you want and don't want and they will make it happen and don't care if your family gets mad at them! Good luck!
I think in the end it's your choice. If your that close with your mom he should put aside his feelings for you. If you have a talk with him and he won't budge, then maybe your mom can just be there the whole time until you actually begin to push. Reassure him that he's not going to feel rejected.. There's a role for everyone in the delivery room, just assign them before you get there so everyone knows there place....
My best friend was in charge of filming
My mom taking pictures and holding one leg
My husband holding the other leg
Good luck, I'm sure you'll work it all out. You have plenty of time to make a perfect plan for your family..
I think you should do whatever makes you feel comfotable. If you want your mother there than that should not bother him, it's not like you are asking him to stay out of the room. Having her there is not making his role in the birth any less important. This is YOUR first child and YOU need to make the decision that makes YOU happy. After all you are the one giving birth!!!
Have you considered a birth center? This way you and your family has freedom of movement. Labor can be long and tiring and you want to have supportive people around you. This is why people who don't have family hire a doula. The doula does not replace the husband but helps to support both. The Birth Place has a family room just outside the birth room. We have had many a family waiting just outside the door waiting for the OK to come in as the baby is crowning or coming in with the first cry. The rooms are also big enough where family can be in the room standing back while dad is right with mom. You may also find that you need Dad on one side and your mom on the other side supporting you. Dad has the wash cloth and your mom has the water bottle. Which ever way you choose, you want the issue resolved and everyone on the same page. You don't want that stress interferring with your concentration during labor. Good luck and Congratulations!
This time is for you and your husband. Sounds like your husband has already decided that. Explain to your Mom about it, and she may surprise you and totally understand. She'll have plenty of time to help you with the new baby when it comes. Birth is a special time for yourself, not about what everyone thinks and especially not for you to worry about during the birthing process. Another surprise may come from your husband...he may see that your mother has kept her 'cool' at the hospital, and just may invite her at the last minute... ;) But first and foremost is this special time with your husband.
I think it is unfortunate that your husband has asked this knowing how excited you are about having your mom there!! Your mom is probably not like his first mother in law, they are not the same people. I would stand my ground of having mom there and maybe tell your mom of your husbands concerns so she stays low in the delivery room.
I would just talk with her. She has to understand. I told my mother that it was only going to be myself and hushband. I basically said it was the two us to conceive the baby so it will be just the two of in the delivey room. Mom understood. I let her in the whole time after.
I don't know if this is exactly what you are looking for, but I don't think a 9 year old is old enough to be in a delivery room. That is a hard time for a mother giving birth & I don't think a 9 year old is educated enough to see all that he will see. If you both think he is old enough, is it too much to have one extra person in there if you already have others? I just know that my daughter is 9 & there is NO way I would allow her to see a live birth at this point. On T.V. is one thing b/c they block out a lot, but seeing it live & seeing more than I am sure he has ever seen before may be too much. But obviously you are the parents. I don't know if that helped. I hope so.
I say you have who YOU want in the delivery room. This is not about your Mother-in-law getting her feelings hurt. I think your husband is out of line asking you to consider this. It is also okay for you to have your own Mom in the room & not his. This is about YOU!!! They will see the baby soon enough.
Congrats on getting pregnant! I am also 6 wks pregnant (with my 2nd).
My husband and I wanted it to be just us as well, but that's not for everyone. It would be a very special experience for your mother too. I know my mom and I talk about everything, much to my husband's shagrin. I'd tell her what he said and explain what you want, but what he's affraid of. Maybe in the many months ahead, y'all can "plant seeds" and eventually make him think it was his idea to have her in there in the 1st place. You know that's the best way to get your way: make him think it's his idea :) I'm sure your mom has some ideas too....
When I was having a baby I didn't want anyone in there except my husband. Immediately after the birth everyone was welcome to come but I just wanted the moment of us 3 connecting first. Talk to your mom and see how important it is to her to be in there. She may be fine with coming in right when it's over. Your mom will probably completely understand.
Sometimes best laid plans are thrown out the window anyway, so don't start stressing over it so early in your pregnancy. I had an emergency c-section and they kicked out everyone but my husband for my first delivery. For all 3, my mother-in-law stayed in the room until it was time to deliver-- and then she stayed for the one that was a "regular" birth but it was only my husband for the 2 c-sections. Maybe your husband can be there to support you while you're in labor and then have the nurses invite your mom in for the actually delivery if possible. If your husband is concerned about an overbaring mother-in-law in the way during the delivery, how in the world is he going to handle her being around 24/7 for 6 months???