37 answers

Moms in Delivery Room

I have a dilemma, I am 6 weeks pregnant with my first child. My husband has a 9 year old from his first marriage. My husband has just asked me to think about just having him in the delivery room. My mother who lives in Texas will be coming down to help us with the baby for 6 months.She has not been able to see the delivery of either one of her other 2 grandchildren for uncontrolled reasons. I was very much looking forward to having her there as well as my husband for support. His reasoning for wanting this is that with his first child his mother in law "hogged" most of the attention and he felt rejected and as if he did not belong. I am torn and don't know what to do. My husband usually doesn't ask for much. I am not sure if to talk to my mom about his feelings or what. PLEASE HELP.

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So What Happened?™

Well i want to thank everyone for all the wonderful advise. I know i have plenty of time to think about this but i think i will have us all sit down and discuss it and make sure no one over steps. I love both my mom and DH and really want them to come together and both be their for me.

Featured Answers

I would just talk with her. She has to understand. I told my mother that it was only going to be myself and hushband. I basically said it was the two us to conceive the baby so it will be just the two of in the delivey room. Mom understood. I let her in the whole time after.
M.

More Answers

Because of your husband's previous experience, he has a legitimate reason to be concerned. However, he needs to understand that it does not mean that the situation will be repeated---especially if your mother and husband get along well and work as a team...Your husband is probably more concerned about the fact that this may be the last opportunity for you and him to spend some "alone" time for a long while. That is because the new baby as well as your mother's six month stay will immediately make new demands on your time/schedule. Therefore, it would be a good idea to discuss and/or develop a plan that will spell out the boundaries and expectations of you, your husband and your mother. In so doing, you will be able to agree/compromise and to be agreeable with your final decisions. After all, you are all concerned about you and your baby. Congratulations and good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

Hi S.- I actually waited for some quiet time to respond to your letter. I have a couple of suggestions. First, honestly think about your Mom. Is she the type that will hog the attention. If so, maybe you should grant your husband's request. The birth process is his as well and the two of you come first. Also, is your hubby going to step up to the plate and do what's needed for you. Is that perhaps why his ex M-I-L "hogged" the attention. If your Mom isn't the hogging type and you are sure you'll get what you need from hubby, perhaps your husband just needs to be reminded and assured that you are not his first wife, your Mom is not his first mother in law and that his presence and needs are of the utmost importance to both of you. Then have a discussion with your mom about it and tell her how he feels and to please be sensative and wait to be invited into your moment when the baby comes. I did not want my Mom in the delivery room and told her there were only two people allowed. I never realized there was a big sign in the waiting room stating three people were allowed in the room. She ended up coming in and it all went OK. But dont lie, otherwise her feelings will be hurt even more. Lastly, have you thought about having another person responsible for keeping her under control. My sisters job was to make sure my mom didnt get on my nerves. Either way, make sure YOU dont get lost in the mix. Have an easy and wonderful birth. Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

You should put your husband's wishes first. He wants it to be a special moment with you and your new baby. If your mom is going to be staying with you for 6 months (wow, that's a LONG time), he should be able to have that time with you and the baby before she's in on everything.

How does he feel about your mom staying for so long? That seems like a much bigger issue to me! It's hard to settle into a new family routine with someone else there, and it will also be VERY EASY to overlook your husband's needs. You should be really careful about this, because if you spend the first 6 months of your child's life valuing your mom's opinions more than his, it doesn't bode well for your future....

1 mom found this helpful

You do have plenty of time to decide one way or the other... let me tell you my experience.

With our 1st child (and my Mom's 1st grandchild), she was visiting from Canada and in the delivery room (along with my sister) when DD was born. Although I loved the fact that she was there, she also said something to my DH that was fiercely maternal and dampened his enjoyment of the moment... I can't remember what exactly... I was busy! LOL (My sister said that watching the experience made her NEVER want to have children!) My mother also DROVE ME CRAZY the last few days before I delivered because she was behind me every step it took, it seemed. And I was already on edge, nervous and so ready to have the baby at the time... her nervousness/excitement added to my pressure, I guess. (She stayed with us for two weeks before the baby and three weeks afterwards because she lives in Canada and because I gave birth naturally we didn't know when to expect our 1st.)
I WANTED her here, I WANTED to share the experience with her, my DH didn't want it as much... but I talked him into it.
With our 2nd child, we decided that it just be the two of us. It was so much more peaceful and special with just the two of us there to deliver and bond with our son. I know I was probably more relaxed because it was #2 and I wasn't as nervous, but it was much more of a bonding experience with my DH, our son and I. DD and my sister came later to the hospital... along with DH's parents.
My Mother wanted to be there again... but I used the excuse that we didn't know when he was coming and it was a far way to travel. I finally had to say that we were going to be by ourselves in the delivery room and that she could plan a trip a few weeks after my due date. I know it was hard for her not to see her grandchild within moments of being born, but it was important for US to BOND AS A FAMILY this time before anyone else. SELFISH, maybe... but it kept my DH very happy and me very sane!
You should really consider his feelings... consider yours too... talk it out. If this is the only child you are having together, make sure you don't have any regrets whatever decision you both make.
When your time comes, best wishes for a quick, healthy and peaceful delivery whatever decision you make.
T. B

My husband and I wanted it to be just us as well, but that's not for everyone. It would be a very special experience for your mother too. I know my mom and I talk about everything, much to my husband's shagrin. I'd tell her what he said and explain what you want, but what he's affraid of. Maybe in the many months ahead, y'all can "plant seeds" and eventually make him think it was his idea to have her in there in the 1st place. You know that's the best way to get your way: make him think it's his idea :) I'm sure your mom has some ideas too....

I would just talk with her. She has to understand. I told my mother that it was only going to be myself and hushband. I basically said it was the two us to conceive the baby so it will be just the two of in the delivey room. Mom understood. I let her in the whole time after.
M.

I think it is unfortunate that your husband has asked this knowing how excited you are about having your mom there!! Your mom is probably not like his first mother in law, they are not the same people. I would stand my ground of having mom there and maybe tell your mom of your husbands concerns so she stays low in the delivery room.

This time is for you and your husband. Sounds like your husband has already decided that. Explain to your Mom about it, and she may surprise you and totally understand. She'll have plenty of time to help you with the new baby when it comes. Birth is a special time for yourself, not about what everyone thinks and especially not for you to worry about during the birthing process. Another surprise may come from your husband...he may see that your mother has kept her 'cool' at the hospital, and just may invite her at the last minute... ;) But first and foremost is this special time with your husband.

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