Moms - Worcester,MA

C., I agree with the others that you should tell your boyfriend how isolating it is for you to sit at home by yourself while he goes out with your friends. He could probably use a good book to read about pregnancy and childbirth so he can try to understand just how very much your life is about to change. You shouldn't have to go through those changes alone! If he's not interested in being supportive than that is too bad for him- he will be missing out on what could be a wonderful experience for the two of you to share. You will no doubt mature beyond the years of your friends because your baby sort of forces you to do that. You will see once your baby is born that even if you do go out sometimes you will probably be much more cautious, careful and responsible about what you choose to do/how much you drink, etc. because the next morning, you will be a mom again. But try not to think about it in terms of things that you have to give up; think of all that you are about to gain! If you truly embrace motherhood and vow to be the best mom you can be, I think you will find the greatest joy you've ever known. MOtherhood can be scary, frustrating, exhausting at times, but the rewards far outweigh the challenges. Actually sometimes the challenge is part of the reward. Enjoy the maturity that comes with parenthood, it is a gift, and surround yourself with other pregnant women if you can. Share your experiences with them and listen to their stories too. It really does help to be near someone else who is going through the same thing. you need support now and you'll need it after your baby is born, so start creating your network, whether it's family, friends or new friends that you meet on mamasource or through other groups.

It is very normal. I do not know how old you are but I still feel like that sometimes and I am 25. Being a mom is the hardest thing in the world, yet it is the most rewarding and best! There will always be times when you feel left out of something. I don't believe that that feeling will ever go away, but just know that despite whatever it is your "missing out" you have something a million times better in your arms! (or belly right now)

Hi C.,
You've had a lot of advice so I will try to keep this brief.

Surround yourself with people who support you. Family (sister, cousins), good friends (the kind that are willing to stay in with you, watch TV, do your nails, discuss the changes in your life with you), and your boyfriend. Explain to him, as others have said, that you need him now and in the future. Having a baby is no small thing. You need support and LOVE, and you deserve it!

Also do join a support group for young moms, as others have suggested. You'll talk with people in your same situation and even if you don't connect wiht all of them, I'm sure you'll get a few good friends out of it whose babies can later be playmates with yours!

Also what someone else said about how you'll be able to get a sitter and go out now and then is true. So don't worry, all the fun times aren't gone forever. But they'll change, and your priorities will too.

Good luck!

Hi C.,

I too was a young mom (got pregnant when I was 19) so I know exactly what you are feeling and how are you are feeling. I can tell you that you will mature so much throughout this process and as much as you want to be doing everything that your friend are, you'll realize you have a much bigger priority in life and won't feel so left out over time. Don't have resentment towards your unborn child though, that is not good for anyone. But what you are feeling is normal and it does happen. It went away for me, not right away, but eventually once I grew up so to say and realized that I was forever a mom and my baby needed me to be there as I was the only one. Best of luck.

Soon you'll have a new group of friends that share in one commonality: children! The other group will still be there when you have a babysitter and can join them like old times.

Congrats for putting you and your baby's health first! You should feel good about yourself for that!

It is normal to feel this way, especially if you had previously been a party kinda person and all of this abruptly stopped because you are pregnant. However, I think you need to be realistic that now that you are pregnant and will soon be a mother, you need to find other more appropriate activities which you consider "fun". You may want to consider finding some young mothers groups in your area.
Having a baby is a big deal, and you shouldn't think that after the baby is born you will be able to go back to partying. You don't want to be one of "those" mums.
As far as your boyfriend, you need to tell him that his continuing to act irresponsibly is very upsetting to you and that its not very good preparation for the impending birth of his child. If hes still doing this stuff, it probably hasn't sunk in what a big impact the baby is going to have on his life.

Well i was 34 when i had my 1 daughter and all my friends have kids alot older. So yes it is normal to feel that way i did. And i am feeling it again with this one. But i would go out w/ them and have fun. I would drink Shirley temples and thinkit was a drink. HAving a drink is ni t the fun it is being around your friends that matters. After having a wonderful joy of a child in your life you will want to be with him or her all the time. Good luck and keep you chin up.

Hi C.,
I had my first baby pretty young too when all my friends were still single and in college. It can be isolating sometimes when you feel out of sync with all your friends but younger than other moms. It does get easier though. Join lots of play groups etc. Eventually you'll meet people you click with.

Hi C. C, Its C. H.

The best advice I can give any new mother is you are going to have to re-define your "new definition of FUN". You know C., you have 4 short months to discover what you like about you and what things you are able to do that helps to ease your transition into motherhood.

Its easy to be resentful and look at your friends and think "they are living life without restriction, without a curfew, and without restraint". Unfortunately, your life has changed FOREVER! Its up to you to decide if this is for the better or for the worse. This may actually be the first time you have had to become introspective about yourself and "wonder" what it is you would like to pursue.

Use this as an opportunity to learn more about yourself!
Every mom whether young or old comes to this crossroad. We all had to come to the realization that we can't do what we used to do. Life changes and so will you. Smiles...

Hi C.,

That is very normal. I was a young mom too and while all of my friends were out doing normal things, I was at home growing a baby. My boyfriend wasn't a huge drinker so that helped. Can you talk to your boyfriend about this and see if he'll agree to cut down on the partying and do some other fun things with you? The only other thing I can say is, you will soon have a beautiful baby and all these other things won't matter. And you can still get together with your friends once in a while after the baby is born. To be honest with you, I am now in my 30's and having an even better time with friends and my husband than I did in my 20's with a young child. My daughter is now almost 12 and she has her own friends and I am suddenly find that I have more time now to have my own fun. Don't forget, you have the rest of your life ahead of you! Let me know if you need more of a pep talk and I help you through this.

E.

I had a different situation when I got pregnant, I was 40! But in its way it could be very isolating because no one (it seemed) understood how hard it was being 40 and pregnant, getting pregnant at 40 etc.

but I want to echo some of the other advice you've gotten, find others in similar situations - whether it's live or on-line (ivillage has great chat rooms that are very specific, there may be one that fits)

You are about to have a baby and strange and wonderful thinsg are happening inside your body every day. You need to be able to talk to folks who can understand!

Hi C., Even though I was 31 when I had my first child, I was the only one out of my group of friends who was pregnant. I went through the same thing of feeling really left out and excluded from a lot of socializing since a lot of it revolved around drinking and going to parties. I felt reallly alone and in fact lost some close friends because of it. It is a real thing that happens and it will continue to be this way after the baby is born, especially if your friends don't have kids. Your life will be forever changed. It is really important that you find a support group of some kind...other young moms or soon to be parents so that you feel supported and proud of the fact the you will be having a baby soon, which is a wonderful thing! I wish you all the best.

I can't say I know what you're going through, because my experience was completely different. But I did want to encourage you for choosing to take care of your baby's needs over your own wants. You are EVERYTHING to that little one, and you will be for the next year or so. But this time will go by so fast, and pretty soon you will be wishing your baby was still a baby as you watch them start speaking in sentences.

That's a real bummer that your boyfriend is not being supportive of you, and I really hope that changes. I also hope that your friends now see that determination you have to take care of yourself, and try to be as supportive of you as possible, even becoming "aunties" and "uncles" to your baby. But you might find yourself struggling to hang on to old friendships because now your lives are completely different. In that sense, your feeling left out might not go away if you don't find other people you can relate with. Seek out other pregnant women in your area...there is probably a group your OB can recommend. Make new friends with some other young women who are in your same new life situation--other people who can no longer go and party with their own friends, but who now have this amazing new life as a mommy. It is awesome to have other people to share pregnancy woes, labor stories, and new mommy challenges with. And don't be timid because you are young...your age doesn't make you any less of a mother once you have a baby growing inside you. Determine to be the best mommy you can be to that little baby, and find some other ways to relax and have fun--feet up with a cold drink and a good book, movie night, baby shopping, etc.

C., your feelings about that may or may not change. For some, once they've got that little bundle in their arms, their world-view shifts and that stuff doesn't seem as important. For some, those feelings of left-outness or loneliness continue or even worsen. Unfortunately, even the best of friends don't often "get it" when you are pregnant or have a baby and they don't. What can really help is if you make some new friends who are in your situation. Reach out and try to befriend other pregnant moms or moms with little ones. They will be your new set of friends as you have your baby, and you'll be so glad you have them.

Hi C.,

I would say that yes, what you are feeling is very normal. It took me a long time to accept that that phase of my life - going out and partying with friends - was over. My advice is, first of all, not to beat yourself up about those feelings. I felt so guilty being upset about having a baby; I thought I was supposed to be just overwhelmed with joy. But when I finally realized that it was okay to grieve the loss of my youthful days, even while celebrating the beginning of a new phase of my life, I became much better at coping with my pregnancy.

Because you're entering a new phase of life, maybe it's time to meet people going through the same thing as you. Look into attending classes for pregnant women to see if you can make new friends. I think that will help you feel not as left out and lonely.

Also, you may want to look into seeing a perinatal psychiatrist. Although a lot of people know about post-partum depression, depression DURING pregnancy is also a serious problem. Getting help now may help you overcome these issues, and may help prevent these problems from getting worse after the baby is born.

Getting pregnant and having a baby is really tough. It is a difficult transition to make, and certainly one of the most life-changing experiences you'll ever have. It's perfectly natural to feel sad about these changes, especially if you liked the way your life was beforehand and don't feel ready to change yet. But be patient with yourself and accept that it's okay to feel the way you are. At the same time, realize that there are MANY joys which await you in the future as a mother to a beautiful child!

My first response was anger that your boyfriend (I'm assuming the father?) is leaving you behind to go out drinking. Whether it was a planned pregnancy or not, it is time to grow up and deal with the fact that partying is not something you do when expecting a baby. I'm so happy to hear that you are staying home and not joining in on this behavior.

Also, your "friends" may not be leaving you out on purpose to make you feel bad. They are not pregnant/expecting, therefore they can still drink and party. Just because you may not be able to join them does not require them to stay home, as well. It is normal to feel left out, but that is the role of a mother--you put the needs of your home and family/baby first. Get used to it! (The rewards are very worth it in the end, i promise!!)

However, C., I would encourage you to look on-line or check your local library for some mom groups/playgroups. You will need to find other young moms with babies that you can get to know, especially once the baby arrives. Support from other moms will help you survive the chaos of new mommyhood! These current friends may not be able to understand you or give you the support you really need (or answer questions that you may have) during such a difficult/exciting time. I suggest you start reading your baby books and enjoying these quiet nights at home. I also suggest you to find family and/or other people to lean on in case your boyfriend does not mature and help once the baby arrives. It is a hard road when you are doing it alone. Good luck and keep us posted!

Hi C.,

I found out I was pregnant with my oldest son the week after I turned 21. I was pretty angry about it for a while, but then I realized I could still have fun without having to drink. There are still lots of things you can do (esp. now, in the summer): movies, coffee shops, the beach, the pool, hanging out at friends' homes renting movies or giving each other buff-only manis/pedis, hanging out at a bar or a club while drinking virgin frozen daiquiris, etc. etc. At six months I betting you're pretty tired right now and that contributes to your lack of motivation? In time (you know, when your kid is 10 or 11) that'll pass; for now, just work within your body's limits so you don't get too tired and/or stressed out.

As for feeling sad, I'd say that when your bundle of joy finally arrives within a week or so you'll be feeling cheerful **UNLESS** you get post-partum depression, in which case you should tell your OB. Teeny-tiny little ones, while they are a load of work, are awesome: they smell great, they're cute as can be and they will cuddle right up on your chest, right in the crook of your neck and sleep. They're awesome, I'm jealous because my youngest "baby" is three :p

Good luck and hang in these last three months!

--M.

C.,

Keep your head up. I was a young mom too and I felt similar to how you do right now. You need to talk with your boyfriend about how you are feeling. Yours is not the only life that should change now that you are carrying a child. His should too. He should be there to support you and go through this pregnancy with you. If he doesn't he will regreat it later. My relationship did not last but my children and I were better off for it. I was married 7 years agot to a wonderful man, my children were 5 and 7 when we married, he adopted them as his own and we now have two more to add to our wonderful family.

I guess what I am saying is that if your boyfriend isn't wise enough to support you and his child now, who knows what he will be like after the baby is born. But I promise you if you are strong and make your child number one, nothing else will matter. But give him a chance, tell him how you feel and maybe he will come around.

The feeling of being left out is normal - currently you don't have anything in common with the rest of your friends and they are probably not old enough or don't have enough world experience to empathize. You need to join some pregnant moms group. It is always a big support to meet and talk with other first-time moms. There your age will not matter either.

All the best!

SO normal! The first time i got PG was when i was 18 (i had 2 miscarriages before i got PG with my son). My bf was a total drunk, and all he did was party. I didn't have many friends, and the ones i did were all just turning 21 and going to the bar, parties...etc. It's extra hard being young, and being PG in the summer when all the fun summer partying is happening!!

I'm sure you'll get some mothers that reply to this post that will tell you, "you got yourself knocked up, you don't get to have a life anymore...deal", but they're wrong. Yes, at first, especially if you decide to breastfeed, you can't do any of that. BUT, once you lil one gets bigger, it IS OK to get a sitter, go out and have a night of fun. You just have to be responsible about it.

I don't wanna sound like a downer, but your BF should be respecting you, and should be home caring for you while your pregnant. NOT going out and getting wasted with his buddies. I'm pretty sure i replied to your first post about him going out.... Just be cautious..... My son's father was the same way, and i thought when baby was born it would make him grow up. WRONG!!! He left me when i was 7 months PG for a 34 yr. old and her 2 children. He never cared for me, never helped (i remember carrying huge loads of laundry up and down 2 flights of stairs while 8 months along because he refused to do anything), he didn't even want to feel his son kick!! I had to assemble the all the nursery furniture myself... and came home from the hospital with OUR new baby by myself. He's still a drunk, has 2 dui's, is a total loser and we are now getting into a child support/custody battle. So just be careful with that situation. Don't do the "stay together for the kids" thing. If he can't grow up and quit it with the drinking, maybe you should just let it go.

Anyway, i'm getting off subject, for me, no it didn't go away. What helped me was focusing on the baby things. Decorating, baby names, planning and nesting. I avoided those friends and people that would drink around me.. which was hard because that was pretty much EVERYONE! I ended up spending a lot of time with my mom. Everything will work out in the end. It is SO scary being young and pregnant. If you wanna send me a private message, or maybe chat on AIM or Yahoo IM, feel free. I know when i was preggers with my son i felt so alone and terrified and was wishing i had someone to talk to that had been there.

AIM killswitch219
YIM jlcros86

I got pregnant with my first when I was 22. Not TOO young, but I was not married and I went from going to clubs with my girlfriends and hanging out with my boyfriend to being pregnant and having to grow up pretty quick. I completely understand how you are feeling. I basically lost all of my friends because we just had total different lives. We couldn't relate anymore. Thank God for my mom! We have always had a good relationship, but ever since then she has been my best friend. If I were you I would try to find a local mom's group (preferrably for young mom's) even if you find an internet support group, looking back I think that really would have helped me. It always helps when you can talk with someone else who is going through the same thing as you.
As far as your boyfriend...Only time will tell. It is OBVIOUSLY harder on you because you have to grow up over night and no matter how much you tell him that he is not going to "get it". All I can say is give him time, but don't put up with it for too long. I imagine that he is the first of his friends to be a Dad, so he has nobody to use as an example of how he should be acting. My husband and I had some bumps in the road those first couple of years, but we now have four kids (oldest one 8) and I couldn't live without him.
Just focus on the baby. If you have any relatives like your mom or an aunt, lean on them!! And research some young mom groups even if it is on the internet. It will help so much with the loneliness. Good luck and hang in there!