Mommy Time and Feeling Supper Guilty About It

I think you are just wrapped up in being a perfect mommy right now. You know what works best for your child and feel that she's under stress when you aren't around. To say she hates going to daycare is quite a strong statement. Children at that age are just into routine so going to daycare 2 days a week means her routine is being changed which is what she's reacting to. She doesn't hate it; it's just different.

No one will replace you in your daughter's life. What you need to remember is the more people she loves and who love her will make her a well balance person able to make those important connections with others.

How are you have fun without your child? Well you had fun before she was born. Being a mommy is important but it's only 1 hat to wear. Putting on another hat like being a friend and hanging out for a couple hours will help you to be a better mom. Please let others take over and bond with your daughter and relax and have fun. It'll do you both good.

The fun you have without your daughter can only help your daughter, and of course yourself. Maybe start small by going out for an hour or so without her.

I had similar feelings when I returned to work but my little 18-month-old has thrived in the care of her grandparents, and also like yours, in part-time daycare.

As for leaving your daughter with Daddy? Go for it. The time they spend together is essential. I had to work some weekends and during that time my husband got to see what my routine was like when he wasn't around. Now he can't wait to spend time with his "cookie" and I'm actually jealous ":=

It is hard at first but gets easier. I say, if your not pampered or taking care of mommy and filling YOUR needs, then you will not be the best you can be for your child. I hope you find some time to yourself to charge your batteries.

Sounds like you need to shift your perspective. Instead of thinking about her relationship with you, start thinking about her relationship with her father. Why would you be selfish for leaving her with her father? It's actually a selfless act to step back a bit and allow your daughter and her father to have a relationship seperate from you. Especially since he works so much (wow, that's an entirely different post there!), you providing the opportunity for one-on-one time with dad is a gift to your daughter and husband. You're not leaving her with a babysitter, you're leaving her with her other parent! And there's nothing wrong with leaving her with a babysitter so you and your husband can have a date night. So, start being selfless ASAP and schedule a girl's night out!

You aren't being selfish for wanting some "me time."

If anything, I think you're actually setting yourself and your daughter up for failure by not helping your daughter be a bit more independent.

Also, don't fault your hubby for wanting some time too. He works hard, he's expected to do a lot too. Give him his time.

You don't have to go out every weekend or for hours at a time either. My friend takes her 9 year old son everywhere. She just started leaving him to go out with her husband(boys father) this year. She smothers him and he is starting to feel it. It's obvious to everyone but her. I know it's hard to leave your first one. Maybe you shouldn't nap with her. Have some free time that way to start. Doesnt' she like a bath? I know there's no harm in showering together but my youngest is 17 months and LOVES baths. And ofcourse she hates daycare, she wants to be with you. You need to tell your husband to stop escaping reality and be with his family. He needs to know his daughter and it sounds like he doesn't really if he is gone 11 hours a day 6 days a week. Make plans to go to lunch with a friend. Tel your husband he needs to watch the baby while your gone. This will get him home from work one day and when you get back you can do family time. Good luck. You will want some me time guilt free pretty soom!

Well, your daughter can grow up, thinking that Daddy rather be at work with his friends hanging out, versus being at home being a Daddy and helping with his Wife and the home.
And that IS what he said. In a nutshell.

Meanwhile, your Husband is not being a Daddy, only when he chooses. Meanwhile, he is not being a Husband or Daddy... nor a partner in the home. Because he rather be, outside the home with his friends.

Meanwhile, his little girl, is not getting much Daddy time, nor a good example of what a Daddy is... nor the bonding with Daddy, nor the positive role-model of what a Daddy does.

So she will grow up, with Daddy knowing his friends, better than he knows, her.

A little girl, needs their Daddy.
My Husband works and goes to school. He is VERY busy, 7 days a week, night and day and weekends. And even at home, he is working/studying. BUT... he makes time for his daughter and son. He knows that is important. He does not want them to grow up, thinking a Man/Daddy.... is too busy to spend time with them. He wants to be the one, to teach them things... and so they know their Daddy, values THEIR time, as well.

Your Husband CAN do this.
It is a choice he is making, not to.
But, being a Daddy is not a choice... it is a RESPONSIBILITY... and a 24 hour thing. Everyday.
Being a Husband is also a responsibility, and a 24 hour thing.

DO NOT feel guilty yourself.
You are NOT selfish.
But your Husband is.
Very much so.

You need time for YOU!! There is nothing to be guilty about. It's not healthy for you to NEVER have some time for yourself. You need to plan it, and insist upon it. Your hubby needs to have a gentle reminder (or a swift kick) that he has a family, and as much fun as it is to hang out with his buddies(it's GREAT he loves his work...but REALLY), you need time with him and so does his daughter.

Please do this for yourself AND your daughter. It is better in the long run for her to have a happy, healthy mama!!!! Get hubby's buy in, cause the BEST thing you can give her is a happy family.

I see too many mothers who regretted the lack of "me time" they experienced with their babies and toddlers, and choose to start it up by spending less and less time with their GROWING child/teen. It is great being by your baby/toddlers side, however its important you keep it up during the other important stages in pre-teen/teens, when the more dangerous issues can take place.

I wonder how many fathers (who are just as important/equal as mothers) feel this "guilt"?

It's good for both you and your daughter to have time away from each other. You wanted your hubbie to stay home more to spend time as a family, so I say you need to go out with your friends and let him have some Daddy-daughter time. They need to build a relationship together too. It's important for both of them. Please, don't feel guilty about it because it's really a good thing (easy for me to say right...). You are a better mom when you get to have some time doing what you like too.

I think this will come with time too. Now my daughter is 5 and my son is 2 and if someone is willing to babysit I'm all for that. I'll happily take my free time to myself for with my hubbie. However, when my daughter was about your daughters age my brother-in-law had an awesome apartment downtown Chicago and he wanted us to house-sit for a weekend. My mom watched my daughter, but we came home early because we missed her. Thinking back now I can't even BELIEVE we did that. Yikes.

I think it will come in time.

p.s. - my hubbie is from LaJolla and his parents live there now. It's beautiful and we love to visit in the winter :)

There are two separate issues her -- one, your husband's misplaced priorities as far as to what he values in his life at this time, and his unwillingess to put family first when he has the opportunity to do so.

But more importantly == the fact that you are somehow feeling like "Me time" should be moved up as a priority over the true joys you are experiencing with mommyhood. It seems like you are feeling anxious because you are being compelled by others to take on your husband's point of view of "friends first" You say you love being with your child, and revel in her small moments and accomplishments -- yes you should. You work three days a week and she's only 15 months old -- cherish your time with her. I think it's natural to feel that's not enough time together , not that you should spend even less time -- as your family is suggesting. . It all goes so fast, and soon our kids are off to school and so independent -- this is such a precious window you have with her now -- I suggest you enjoy it and immerse yourself in it fully .

So unless you're feeling worn out, exhausted and at your wit's end, I think "me time" is overated compared to snuggling, playing,and loving your little one. You have your whole life to enjoy your friends and go out to dinner (and if you need a break, yes by all means grab the opportunity to do so). But you're clearly loving being with your baby, so don't let others convince you that you should be elsewhere.

Also - if your baby hates daycare -- try to take a day to observe what goes on there (there could be aggressive children, or she could simply not be getting the attention she needs). Don't dismiss her responses.

Bottom line, children are such a joy,and this period in childhood is so fleeting -- allow yourself to experiencing it fully -- and trust yourself. Your instincts will guide you.

I've only been out without my son maybe 4 or 5 times in 20 months. My pediatrician actually yells at me about this, because it's not healthy for either of us. It's normal guilt, your feeling, and will get a little easier every time you leave her. The first time I left my son, I almost had an anxiety attack (and then ended up drinking too much!) For me, I sometime's have my BILs over (they're 11 and 13) or my BFFs (12) to help with the baby while I clean or work... I'm there, but I'm NOT there, you know? That helps with the separation a LOT :)

I have a daughter who will be 16 months in 2 weeks- Just like you we do EVERYTHING together!! I don't really go anywhere w/o her. My boyfriend has been working in Maui during the week M-F and comes home Friday at 5pm then leaves Monday at 4am this will continue til December. Just take baby steps start off with being away for a hour and move up if you'd like.. no pressure.

Tiara

Don't let anyone else tell you what you need - YOU know what you need. If you would like to have an outing on your own, but don't want to leave her for an extended period of time, why not coffee or a cocktail with a friend for an hour or two, someplace close to home?

People said the same thing to me. "Get out, you need time away from her." Well, I couldn't, and didn't really want to anyway. I'm glad I listened to my own instinct (it's there for a reason!). I was able to get out for a couple of hours here and there by the time she was 2. Now she's almost 5 and I get plenty of "me" time when I need it.

Your husband is another issue. I don't really know what to say - it's difficult to change a person. He sounds pretty selfish and immature. At this point I would make sure whatever time he does spend with your child is as "quality" as possible, since the "quantity" clearly isn't enough.

You were a woman before you were a mom. You had a life and did things that were adult before baby. Now that you have become a mom you forgot your other hat woman/wife.

Stop feeling guilty about leaving your daughter. You can't be with her the rest of her life 24/7 at some point there will be separation. Yes it is all new and great but if you don't step back and take a deep breath you are going to lose yourself and your identity. Once you do this it is a long hard road to get back who you were and what you did.

It is hard in the beginning but it gets easier. If you worked full time five days a week she would be in daycare and she woujldn't see you and she would adjust. Take back sometime for yourself and enjoy it. Go get a mani/pedicure and enjoy it. Everyone needs to have their batteries recharged and you are not exception.

As hard as it is women need to learn how to compartmentalize their lives. Men do it all the time. When a man is at work he not thinking about what's for dinner or how is Suzie doing in school - he is thinking about his job at hand and does the task quickly and efficiently. After work he thinks about his next project.

I wish you luck in finding the balance and to maintain yourself. A happy mommy is a happy family.

The other S.

Stop feeling guilty about time away. Everyone else is going to do what they want and you will be left not doing what you want to do whether is it is a craft or reading a book alone for pure enjoyment.

does she really hate day care? how do you know if you're no there? if she does, get her into a place she likes, and then you will feel less guilt. day care is good for kids.
also, "mommy time" is important for you and for your family. when your daughter grows up and is a mom, do you want her to have no time for herself? that is what she will learn from you if that's what you model for her.
good luck!

The best gift you can give your daughter is to be kind to her mother! :) Seriously, kids learn from what we do and not what we say. Do you want your snuggle bear to give up everything that relaxes her and makes her happy just to devote herself 24/7 to her child one day? I know that I want more for MY daughter! If you start seeing your time away from her as something that actually BENEFITS her (because it does) then you can really enjoy yourself guilt-free! Your daughter deserves to have a happy and relaxed mom and your hubby will enjoy a less stressed wife too! Have Fun .... Mama's orders! :)