M.L. asks from Broken Arrow, OK on January 23, 2007
I am 23 years old and had our second child on Decmebr 1. Our daughter is only 18 months old. I became pregnant with her while we were in college and now that our son has come along I feel as though I have completely been cheated out of my life. I love my children more than anything but sometimes I get so angry with them because of all the things I have had to miss out on. How do I control the stress and the anger and accept that this is now my life? How do I become happy and fulfilled with my new life? I feel like such a terrible mom because of these feelings!
M.H. answers from Wichita on January 29, 2007
I can relate to how you feel about being young and being a mother, but I hate to tell you this and you probably don't want to hear this...but now is the time where you have to practice acceptance. Because, now these children are here, and unless you want to give them up for adoption, they are not going anywhere. So what I had to do was accept the fact that it is no longer all about me anymore. I had to accept the fact that I had these children and they needed me. So what I had to do was make the most out of watching my babies grow up because they do grow up fast.... The next thing you know the babies will be off to school and you're wondering where in the hell did the time go!...Trust in this...as long as you are still breathing there is going to be fun time for you, but right now it's time to grow up and be mommy for a little while.
R.U. answers from Oklahoma City on January 24, 2007
A.K. answers from Santa Fe on January 23, 2007
Hello there! Well, Im in some what of the same postion as you. I have a 16 month old and 4 1/2 month old. When I found out i was pregnant with my second, i freaked, and felt like you. And when I had him, I didnt think I could do it, and sometimes I think that I have no life. But my life is really with them. I think of it like this,that they are going to be close, and be bestfriends. That im not going to have one out of diapers, and then in 2-3 years have to do it all over again, im going to have them out of diapers close by. Also, everything from my first is still fresh in my memory so i dont forget how to handle it or freak. If you need someone to talk to, or even to give you a break, email me ____@____.com.
J.A. answers from Springfield on January 23, 2007
I'm not in the exact same situation that you are but its close. When I was 23 my daughter was 2 and my husband of 4 years was hurt in a fight. His neck was broke and he became a quadriplegics. I thought my life was over. I had dreams of going back to school and having another child. We would go out to parties and have fun but that all changed. I would stay stressed 24/7. I hated my life. I had a 2 year old and a 220lbs baby I didn't know what to do. I was always yelling and I hated to go home. It finally came down to accepting the way things were or having a nervous break down. I chose to accept things and make the best of them. Your life my not turn out the way you dreamed it would but you can still be happy. I changed a lot of things I use to do and the way I do them. Yes we don't go out as much (but we still go out) and I still haven't went back to school (but I'm working on it) and there is no chance of us ever having another baby but my life isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I have a great daughter and a loving husband. They both sacrificed everything they knew so that we could move to a place where I don't have to worry about working anymore and so I don't have as much stress. So I may not have gotten the exact life I was dreaming of but that is what life is all about you just make the best of it. I hope this helps. If you need to talk you can email me at ____@____.com.
1 mom found this helpful
S.R. answers from St. Louis on January 24, 2007
Hi I had my first child at 19, then one at 20, and another at 23 and I had our baby when I was 29. I understand what you are feeling. It can be so hard exspecially when most of your friends are still single and probably don't have kids yet. I even felt issolated from most of our family. I am sure most people thought why are they having more kids!!! The thing is I love kids. And I always wanted to have four kids. We really weren't planning on starting our family when we were so young, but sometimes life throws you a curve ball. Just try to get a little time to yourself. Even if it is just a bubblebath with your favorite authors newest book or taking a walk. Even doing the grocery shopping by yourself can be a blessing. Another thing I would suggest, and this is probably the hardest, don't neglect your marriage. It is so easy for us as mothers to try and be the perfect mom that we forget we are a wife also. Now that my oldest two can watch the younger two we can go out once in a while, but for years we would have date night at our house after the kids went to bed. Just a quite dinner with the two of you or snuggling up on the sofa together as you watch a movie together with a bowl of popcorn or even playing a board game will help you reconnect. Lastly, enjoy your little ones; before you know it you will looking at them wondering where your babies went and how did the time go by so fast.
You can e-mail me anytime you feel like talking. Best of luck to you and your new family.
1 mom found this helpful
M.F. answers from Springfield on January 24, 2007
You are a good mom, you recognize that things are not right for you now...and that means you are thinking about your children!!! I agree that you have probably got some post partum, I noticed that with each child I had my depression deepened, please talk to your doctor!
Sounds like it is time for you to figure out how to get what you want without feeling guilty about it!! Go back to school!!! There are grants available and assistance available for daycare if that is what is holding you back. Use that time the kids are in daycare to go to school, study, do your errands and chores, and treat yourself. You are IMPORTANT!! You should never feel guilty about going after what you want. After 2 failed marriages, I have learned the only important lesson to be learned....NEVER SETTLE!!! You do deserve to follow your dreams. There are ways to go about it without feeling like you are neglecting your duties as a wife and mother...because in addition to that you are a person with hopes and dreams that need to be fulfilled. Your family will realize that when you are feeling better and happy, the whole family will reap the benefits of you being happy!! I have lots of suggestions for you, just not sure what you are wanting to do, so feel free to message me!! Good Luck, I know you can do it!!
M.A. answers from Kansas City on January 24, 2007
As a former PPD sufferer I urge you to call your doctor as soon as possible. I was 28 when I had my daughter certainly not a youngster. She was very planned and wanted. I remember standing in the shower crying really feeling that I had ruined my life by having her. And there was no way to change it. I felt those same angry feelings. I told my doctor and got on an anti-depressant. I took it for about four months and was fine. It wasn't a magic pill but I was able to enjoy my child. It will get better!
A.W. answers from Rockford on January 24, 2007
This is your life! It's a very blessed life may I add. So many people try and try to have their own children and some never do. I had my first daughter when I was 20 and my second when she was 20 months old. I have suffered from depression and anxiety, even before I had children but I do not regret having my children. There will never be a job more important than loving and shaping another human being into the person they will become. So PLEASE remember what affect it will have on your children when you have feelings of regret and resentment. Also you will never be loved or looked up by anyone else more than your children will love and look up to you. I now have three children and realize everyday that I would only be missing out WITHOUT them. Please try to take a different outlook on what it means to be a mother and realize anything else you wanted to do is just postponed not canceled. You'll just have the best company to do those things with later on, your husband and children and you'll still be young! If you don't quit worrying about what else your missing out on you'll miss out on your children. Maybe more children aren't the best idea until you've worked these feelings out. It is not your daughter or sons fault that you feel cheated please don't punish them.
May God bless you and your children,
L. answers from Kansas City on January 24, 2007
It is true that having a baby changes everything. I waited til I was 34 to have my first because I wanted to do other things while I was young and fresh. Boy, I now wish I wouldve started at your age!! Kids are such a blessing, they really are! Dont forget to savor every every minute as you go, because they truly do grow up so fast! My kids are 3 and 5, and I already wish I could turn back the clock and see those precious little infants once more! Kids worship the ground you walk on, so please dont be too hard on them. It is amazing what they remember, and also how they bring their experiences into the people that they become. Dont miss out on anything that is important to you. Do what you can to further your own growth. These kids were not put in your life to anger you, or to cheat you of anything. Quite the contrary. These little beings that you have helped make are right now learning and growing in your love. You are still so young and I know it is frustrating, but know that you really are not giving up your life, it has just changed. Try to find the true pleasure that these kids will give you over and over. Whatever your other dreams are, continue to strive for them, even though it might be harder now. Take classes. Skydive if ya get the chance, or whatever. Those kids will appreciate your efforts with your own personal goals when they are older, and it will show them what they can do with themselves even when the going gets tough.
I was the most impatient person, and one that wanted to do what I wanted when I wanted before kids. I had the hardest time when my first was born. My mom said to me, "Try not to miss a minute with them, it's not something that will ever come again the same way." And she was right. Love them and enjoy them along the way. Life is definately a journey, not a destination.
Best of Luck!
J.S. answers from Springfield on January 25, 2007
It looks like you're getting a lot of great advice from women who have been or are in the same situation...now how about some words of wisdom from someone who is quite the opposite!
I had my first baby at 34 and my second at 36. I had a miscarriage 3 months ago at 38 with what was to be our 3rd and last child. Now my husband feels like we are "too old" to be having anymore and wants to stop. I am not ready to give up and I am crushed that I may never have any more children.
So...I am in quite the opposite position you are. Where you are having regrets about having children so soon, I'm having regrets that I waited so long to have them. (it really wasn't my choice; it took me 31 years to meet Mr. Right!). So...I HAD all those years of "fun and freedom" before I had children. And you know what? It means nothing now! I would have rather given that up and started my family sooner.
The fun and freedom isn't all it's cracked up to be. Being a mom is the best gift ever, and you are so young that you'll STILL be young when your kids are grown. I think when you're my age, you'll be GLAD you had them when you did! Best wishes to you and your family.
D.W. answers from Tulsa on February 16, 2007
I was 16 when I got married and 17 when my daughter was born ( no I was not preg. when I got married)I know that was young maybe to young, sometimes I wished I'd been a little older, but I wouldn't trade 1 minute of it. I was so proud of her I always wanted to show her off. I know every person and every child is different and things are tougher for some than others. You should be thankful that God gave you 2 beautiful babies and you are young enough to enjoy them. There are many women out there who love to be in your shoes. But I also understand how stressful it can be it's not always a bed of roses. As they get a little older it will get better.