Mommy Burn Out

I could have written this post. Except I would have to add crying about silly things, like getting laundry done, to the list. I was a mess!! It's hard to find a balance. But I was reminded by several people that if I don't take care of myself, I can't take good care of my family. So I have found a work out buddy and we take the kids with...which helps, but I still need time alone. So once or twice a month, I give the hubby PLENTY of notice and I LEAVE the house...if I tried to even take a shower it would get interrupted, so I know alone time at the house would never happen. :) Sometimes I have big plans (well big for me) dinner with my sister, movie with a friend. Last year the hubby paid for a knife skills class for my mother's day. And sometimes I may not do much of anything. The last time I left everyone I knew was busy ,so I spent two hours wandering around Barnes and Noble. I didn't buy a thing. But I got out of the house. It gave me an excuse to wear clothes that weren't stained, put on a little makeup and not hear "mommy mommy" for two glorious hours. Make the time for yourself. You are worth it. Keep your chin up.

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One thing I've learned -- being married twice -- it's not fair to expect someone to read your mind. It's not fair to blame a spouse for not giving you something you need, when you didn't ASK for it.

You have a lot more then most women here do -- he's willing to participate enough to give you breaks. At least that's a start, and not a fight. Sit and talk with him when the kids are asleep or playing. Tell him you would like to schedule a regular day out too - like he does. One where he takes the kids for 2-4 hours, some days he can take them to a park, the library, stay home with them.. whatever. But you go out.. get a massage, walk around the mall, go take a nap (when he takes them to the park). Make it a standing arrangement like his golf.

Also.. start taking walks in the evening (Or a slow jog, or a bike ride). When he gets home and is willing to watch the kids -- Go out for a walk. It will help your weight loss and give you a mental break from all the kid noise. 3-4 nights a week and it should change how you feel about yourself, your body, etc.

Don't let yourself sit around feeling miserable. Take action. :)

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You need to do some alone time for yourself. You should schedule nights out with friends and leave your husband in charge. Also, if it is in your budget you should join a gym. I belong to Lifetime fitness and it is $50 a month for me and $6 a month for each child. You can leave them in the kids area up to 2 hours per day. You can either work out, sit in a quiet place and read, take a shower without 3 kids pulling at you. I did it when my kids were small and it really helped my sanity. The workouts made me feel better and the time away from the kiddos was great.

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I think that most of the time women will tell you things like "you'll fall in love at first sight". It will change you like you've never thought possible." Mostly positive things....but what you're not told is "you'll feel isolated....you'll feel like you've lost yoruself at times...you'll have times when you just want to shut your door, let the kids cry, and put some headphones on just to have 5 minutes of peace and quiet" I can honestly say that for the first 2 years of both of my kids' lives, I didn't love motherhood. It was hard, frustrating, 24/7 time consuming, lonely, and exhausting. I love both of my kids, but MAN! I was raising them by myself also, with a husband that worked a LOT! And when he was home, it was late enough that the kids were within a half hour of going to bed. He just gave our son a bath for the first time last week because he had made a mess on himself and I was cooking.....and he's 6 YEARS OLD!!!! When you're a stay at home mom, you definitely go through ups and downs of feeling like your husband isn't helping enough. The thing is though, when you're a SAHM, that's how it usually works, and the reason why you get so mad at your husband is because he's the only one around to take our frustrations out on. One thing I used to do is ask my mom if me and the kids could come over for dinner once a week. It gave me a couple of hours where there were other people there to help watch the kids (mine were 2, only 15 months apart) and it would give me a chance to replenish my sanity from being around other adults. It really helped me a lot. I still cried a lot, and had horrible days most of the time, but the thing is, kids don't remember what their first 2 years of life are like. I'm not saying it excuses anything, but I'm saying that those 2 years are HARD!!! So, all you can do is do your best, meet their needs, and just know that things will get easier. Now, I will tell you that I really do wish I'd enjoyed those years more. It makes me sad looking back and realizing that I rarely enjoyed those times. I was so busy being stressed out that if I had a moment, it was to clean something that was too difficult to clean with my kids awake, not to sit and take a moment to watch my baby sleep like I hear some mothers do. I used to think something was wrong wtih me because I'd hear moms say "I adore my little baby" and I'd be like "seriously???" I think that some moms are just built differently than others. Like, I am still the fun, funny, energetic person I was before I became a mom, but I have friends that all they wanted in life was to be a mother, and when they became one, it seemed like they developed a one track mind. All they could talk about was their kids, they never wanted to leave them because they got overwhelmed with guilt, and they suddenly lost their personality. I noticed that those ones really enjoyed every moment of the newborn stage. Maybe they're just made differently than we are. With me, I loved my babies, but it was harder to deal with the stress at times because I didn't have the time for myself that I used to have. I needed that time, not all women do. So, just wanted to throw my two cents out there that you're not alone, and trust me, it really does get better, so just deal the best you can for now, and give them a little while for the youngest ones to entertain themselves more and free up a little more mommy time.

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You have to take a stand and it sounds like you need to leave the house to get some away time. He will have no choice but to figure out what the children need and how to handle them. If you never give him the "opportunity" to have to watch all 3 children, he's never going to learn how to handle them. Don't ASK for time away, TELL him what you're doing and when. My husband and I have a deal, we both work full time and have a 4 year old and 18 month old, so he gets to go golfing on Sunday and I get to go workout 3 times a week. This works great because we both get our alone time and we both get time with the kids. There's no reason the hubby can't be alone with the children for a few hours every week. Who knows, he may even come to like it, as I do. I love having my 2 by myself one day out of the week, the interaction is so different and we have a great time!

You've already received "my answer" several times, but I'm going to give you some concrete steps so it can happen.

-Make a schedule of your and your kids day. Write down everything so your husband knows what should happen when. (Obviously diaper changes may move around a little bit, but he'll have an idea of how many to anticipate during the day.)
-Write down emergency phone numbers and insurance numbers, etc for your husband so they're easy to find. Write down the pediatrician's name, where you get prescriptions filled, etc. Just in case.
-Write down favorite snacks and favorite meals, including quantities. Also include favorite drinks. I know some of this changes, but there should be a good amount that will remain the same.
-Plan out your husband's day with the kids. It is overwhelming for you, and you know the routine. It will be overwhelming for him, too. Make it a little less so by telling him what should happen when. (If you want to be a little mean, you could leave him with a grocery list and have him take all three kids to the store with him.... or just ask him to take them to the playground.)
-Tell your husband where you are going to be and approximately the time you are going to be there. Give him the phone numbers of those places, but DO NOT take your cell phone if you have one. He can call the stores if necessary, but if he knows that you have your cell phone, it will be ringing. A lot. Trust me.
-Go out. All day. Come back at the end of the day, maybe before the kids are asleep, maybe after. Try to plan part of your day with a friend or two, but try to have part of the day just for you. Maybe get a massage and have a picnic in the park with a friend or two. Or try a new restaurant that you've been wanting to. See a movie that you've been interested in. Make it all about you.

Good luck. I know it's hard. But if you keep emptying yourself out, soon there will be nothing in you to give. You need to fill yourself up, relax, and recharge so you can be the best wife, mommy, and woman you can.

My heart goes out to you because I am a sahm with 4 children (13, 9, 5 and 15 months). My husband also takes a night out a week to bowl with his friends and on occasion will have plans to go out with friends. He has not done anything in the house in years. I go 24/7 even when I am throwing up in a bucket. I carry the burden of the entire house and even have to mow and trim the yard, drag 90 gallon trash barrels to the curb on trash day and make sure autos have oil changes and emmisions tests done. SO I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL !!!! Recently I was admitted to the hospital for chest pains and after 3 days in the heart unit they figured out that it is anxiety caused by stress. Now I am on medicine. Hummmm.

One thing I can say is it is VERY easy to get upset with the kids when really you are upset at your spouse, so as over worked sahm, we need to be careful about directing our frustrations properly. Half of the problem we are in is our own fault - we let it get out of control. The other half is our spouses fault for thinking it's okay to be part time parents.

I have finally come to the conclusion that if my husband is not going to let me have "down" time, I am going to pay a sitter to watch the kids. If he doesn't want to pay for a sitter, than he is going to have to step up to the plate.

PLEASE be careful about depression. It can sneak up on you without you knowing it's there. Talk to someone, but start with your husband. I pray he will hear what you are saying and step up to help you!

You are definitely in the thick of it right now. At least you can be happy knowing this is probably the worst it will ever be, right? Do you have any family or friends willing to give you a break? Or any of your children's friends parents willing to take one or both of the older kids? I am also a big fan of "divide and conquer". It seems less chaotic if you only have one or two kids and the other adult has one or two kids, then switch off. Good luck and hang in there!

Set up a regular night out each week. Join a book club, go out to dinner with a friend, go shopping, take a walk ( will help with losing the weight), join an exercise class at the local park district. Speaking from experience, you will never get a true break if you are still in the house.

I so hear you. I only have a 5 month old and a 2 year old, but I so hear you. It will be better when the babies are sleeping better (but do they ever really sleep through the night? my 2 year old has been getting me up a few nights a week for months!)

I too feel guilty about feeling like I wish they'd all just go away, especially when I know that they will be gone far too soon! It's a strange catch-22 to be in.

I wish I had I some words of wisdom. All I can say is, I'm right there with you. I just want one whole morning to myself, with no one wanting or needing anything! 3 hours. 3 hours. You'd think it would be easier to get,but nope, impossible.

I think all mommies go through this period at least once at some point. I know I have! If being away from all 3 kids is not realistic, it's still a huge break if hubby (or Grandma and Grandpa) take one or two of the kids for an outing or overnight. This is my tactic, as my little guy (6 months) won't take a bottle, making getaways nearly impossible! Just having the load of my almost 3-year old off my shoulders can still be incredibly refreshing--although I am anxiously awaiting the baby's birthday where he's weaned and I can actually get out by myself or with just my husband for a date!

You might also look into a club for stay-at-home moms. I am part of one through International MOMS Club (www.momsclub.org), which has branches throughout the area. I know there are many other options, too. While you'll still be with the kids, it's nice to share your struggles with others in a similar situation. Being a SAHM is hard work! You need "coworkers" who can understand your concerns, empathize with your difficulties, and offer suggestions and support. Plus, it gets you and the kids out of the house and everyone gets to socialize! I joined when my oldest was only 3 1/2 months old, and while he didn't interact with anyone it was sure nice for me! Best of luck to you!

Best of luck!

I totally understand. What I do, is take a Mommy's Day Out. I leave our child with hubby and plan a day just for me. I go to the mall, eat out, go to a movie. I just went to the Working Women's Survival Show here and then went a little shopping and had ice cream. I am now saving up for a Spa Day. I plan these days for when I am also burnt out (probably every 4 or 5 months). I make myself not think about anything but myself (it's hard and I usually buy something for my son). You definitely need to get away - even if it's just for a few hours. You will feel so much better and your family will be happy for you.

My first two boys were 12 months and 5 days apart. I was the kind of person someone on here just mentioned who all I ever wanted was to be a mother. Ioved babies and infants yet when I had mine and my husband was in college still dropping in and out to work and then back to school, I was alone all day and he studied most of the evenings. I couldn't get mad at him for not helping really, he was busy and also I considered it a blessing to be able to be home with the boys. But I cried most days. They got to be 1 1/2 and 2 1/2 and did things I never dreamed they'd do. Like empty the refrigerator and things that were so upsetting to me thinking I was not a good mother, no breaks and I hated to leave them with anyone. Can't figure that one out now but it was true. So offers to watch them weren't usually accepted. Now looking back, I needed to do that and get out and relax some. I think when we had the other kids, 6 more later, the hardest times were after a new baby was home and hormonal issues and that all sounds so much like how I felt. Weight won't come off as easy after several kids and a few years added on. But now that I'm a grandma I'm not fat but not ever going to as skinny as I was pre last children. I can accept that though because I feel good and survived. :-) Be patient about the weight. Just keeping up with the kids and housework will help some but maybe if you could go to a church exercise group or join the 'Y' or something you could get out and exercise too. See if you can find a sitter this summer who needs a little money and loves kids, like I was years ago and did that often, and then try to get in a mothers group of some kind. Some churches have a play group where mother's get together and let the kids play while they visit. That helps just getting them out. I felt it got us off schedule with an infant but maybe by summer when the baby is a bit older you could go when it's not naptime and meet other mothers like that. That helps so much. I had 'phone friends' for years who were also stay at home moms in the same situation and it helped so very much just to laugh about the day and situations and know you aren't alone. You definitely are not alone. And it will pass but in the meantime I hope you can get a break regularly and meet with mothers and friends without and with the kids. Please don't take it out on your husband and remember to tell him how you appreciate all the times he does help out and especially when he does it 'right' :-)

That's a tricky one: finding balance between you, the kids, the marriage.
My 2 cents:
I would want to say: talk to your husband and make him understand this is a priority....but you have to believe it is one for yourself first. Women in general have a tendency to not let go of the "but he/she/they need me!" excuse.
If you need a break. Take it... not 10min upstairs, but a real break. Find something that he can't argue against (or find you) -- Let's say you have now a personal trainer to get in shape (2-3hrs/week): that should make your husband happy right? Therefore he should be more agreeable to give you some time. Also the time he will be in charge will be a good experience. I think he will appreciate what you do even more. Then you can organize both schedules to accommodate your working time and his time. And ask help from a friend if needed once in a while.
Hope you'll find something that works for you.

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed with just one 3 year old boy; you are doing a wonderful job I am certain of that. I was surprised at how isolated I would feel sometimes being a stay at home mom. Occasionally my husband will have overtime, has a class for his job during the fall and winter months and is adamant about going to band practice once a week. I began to feel like I was not even sure of my own personal identity anymore, so, that said, I didn't ask him, I told him that I would be taking time each week -out of the house- for myself. Like you, it isn't that he begrudged me personal time, but he really didn't seem to care if I got time to myself, moreover, he certainly was not moving out of the way to make it happen for me that's for sure! When I made my announcement - I was not interested in his opinion, nor was I open to his input regarding the matter as his approach was to inform me (not ask) of his plans and expect me to work around them - so, "turn about is fair play" I suppose - I started doing the same thing. I highly recommend that you decide what you want for yourself each week and make it clear that it is as non-negotiable as his plans are. By doing this you send him, as well as your kiddos, the message that mommy is an autonomous being who is equally as important as anyone else in the household. Becoming who you are, the woman you are, is an adventure (complete with hills and valleys) and having children enhances us, not only as people, but as a part of humanity. However, many women mistake 'mother' for 'martyr' which is perhaps what induces the tearful feeling you're having - you never intended to lay yourself on the sacrificial altar and you might feel a bit like that is right where you are. So, it is entirely up to you to redefine motherhood to fit who you are, step down off the altar and stand up for your needs - you will gift your children with the experience of a mother who is in touch with herself and all of the wisdom that comes with becoming that woman. The weight will come off when it's ready - in time - for now, I hope you will concentrate on the internal weight and give yourself a break, the rest will follow. You know, after I had my son I remember thinking that becoming a mother is sort of like changing shoes mid-marathon; it takes time for them to feel 'right' and for you to adjust your stride accordingly, meanwhile you're making this adjustment while placing one foot in front of the other moving forward continuously. When you create a life that 'fits' you'll find yourself running at a pace that may leave you out of breath every once in a while, but with your spirit intact. Please do not allow yourself to feel guilty, you seem to be quite in touch with your feelings, which is a true gift that can often save us from moving further into situations that threaten our well-being, so celebrate the fact that you are cued in to your emotions enough to identify what you're going through right now. Oh, and laugh, laugh, laugh - even if you have to laugh through a cry, laugh at yourself every chance you get. Be your own best friend, that's the best gift you can give your little ones. Love and Blessings to you. Your future starts now, you decide what you want it to look like, like an adventure if you spend too much focusing on how far off the destination seems, you'll miss the beauty in each step you take right now.

I am wondering if maybe you are having a little post partum depression? That is my first though when someone who just had a baby is addiing up all the issues that are bothering them and says that the feel overwhelmed. You might find some help if you speak to your OB; they are trained to weed out what is treatable and what is not, especially if you are on the verge of tears all day, your OB would want you to call for that.

Your husband sounds like almost every husband I know of, mine is pretty progressive, and yet I remember when our kids were little being so frustrated that I had to ask him to watch them and he could just do what ever he wanted to without asking me if I had any plans...It is exhausting to be responsible for everything, and to need to tell them or ask them to do anything.

I am not sure how much advice I have for you there, but I did tell my husband that he was just as much a parent as I was when he was home. How sucessful that is depends on how much of the mother job you are willing to let go of, because men will not do it our way, and you have to be able to let them put the wrong clothes on the wrong kid and have the diaper be crossways, and the nose be kinda, you know...I told mine that I was not bailing him out, and he could figure out everything else in his life (he never once wore MY clothes himself) that he had better figure this one out, like he would go out of the house with anything like that on his own face...it got a little better, but that is kind of the perenial young parent confilct, I think every young mother I met had the same story to tell. You are certainly not alone.

Even if it is 30 LBs, you need to give yourself more credit. I know you feel like this is terrible, but really, this is a small thing in life. The pretty wrapper fades, and after you unwrap the christmas present, you are stuck with what is inside, so you might as well feel good about it, how ever it is. Give yourself as much time as you need, and be thankful that it is only a few pounds because you are really doing quite well.

I hope it gets better soon.

M.

You have so many responses but I just had to be another to encourage you to take a break!!! It sounds as if your husband is open to the idea of you going out, so just do it. He can make and will make it work if he's on his own. Maybe give him a heads up about a week or so in advance and tell him to ask any questions about the routine or observe more cloesely before you go out...and whatever he doesn't remember he will figure it out on the fly!

Do anything that makes you happy, but you'll have to get out of the house! Sometimes it's nice to be able to hang by yourself in your own home, but it isn't very realistic! ;) Go to dinner, movies, bookstores, shopping...whatever! Make it a regular thing that you can get a group together (or by yourself is fine too!) and put it on the calendar every couple weeks or month! Go get yourself some "me" time, Girl!!!

IMO it does sound like you may be depressed--I am too! I only have one 2 1/2 year old son but I also have fibromyalgia which makes every moment for me a battle. When my son naps--I have to nap with him leaving even less time to get stuff done. My husband works long hours and is a mechanic so I know he is tired when he gets home but we still have our routine. He gets home, I cook and the rest of the night he watches our son including putting him to bed. Most days I choose to still hang out with them but a lot of times there are things I need or want to do that I can't while I am caring for my son. I acknowledge that my husband doesn't have much him time but he knows I don't have much me time either so I guess it works out.

You know you have a job that you don't "ever" get to leave or get paid for like your husband does. Don't sell yourself short and make time for yourself on a "regular basis" with something you enjoy doing or you will go nuts. My husband will never volunteer his time to take over but if I tell him I need it he will take over for me.

Stay strong there is always help out there.

You are going to have to get out of the house. Make a plan, tell your husband, then stick with it. It doesn't even have to be outrageous. Heck, I consider a trip to the library alone a break.

every single time you feel down, start walking.....either with the kids or not. Make this an everyday part of your life, leave the kids with him.....& take 15 minutes for yourself. The weight will drop off from both your body & your soul! Good Luck.....& Peace!

You do need a break! Do you know any teenage girls that could come over and help you in the afternoons or evenings? Just asking another Mother to come over with her kids may help. Your children would be occupied playing with them, and you could talk to the Mother. Sometimes that helps. I definitely feel for you and I definitely remember those days. It does get better. But, I think the biggest mistake I made was never giving myself a break. Find some way to give yourself a break. You DO deserve it.

I was there & it seems like yesterday, oh wait it was yesterday! Well now what I do is get a sitter. Maybe you can use the weight watchers money & get a sitter instead. My hubby doesn't go out but he works a lot & loves to tinker in the garage & always has a project to work on or a honey do list. I tell him I need some space from the house & kids in order to be a better mom, person, & wife, so when I feel myself starting to lose it I call the sitter. One time I left my husband with the kids (1, 3, & 4) & 2 hours later I returned, very refreshed because all I wanted was sleep so I went to a park & slept in my van (its a full size van so it has a queen bed & shades to pull down), I highly recommend it. At least do something to get some sanity back in your life.

I feel the same way. You sound like you resent your husband (as I would). You should talk to him and also join a moms group where you can get out and exercise or just talk.I'm in the same boat, sans the not helpful husband. Luckily, he's helpful but I feel your pain. I'm looking for a mom to walk with and work out myself. Good luck.

Oh my! I will try to give my short but sweet advice. First, the next time hubby goes out for one of his weekly "bachelor" nights with friends, casually mention that you are meeting up with some girlfriends for dinner/drinks that week as well. Then, when it's "your turn" to get a little sanity, make sure you LEAVE the house. And you don't even need to meet up with friends, just LEAVE and take a few hours to yourself. Go get your nails done, get a massage, have dinner with a good book...whatever you want! My point is, staying INSIDE your house will get you nowhere. Really, you must leave. Your dear hubby needs to have a dose of what you have 24/7. Have you thought of hiring a babysitter once a weekend (maybe while he's golfing) you can have 3-4 hours to yourself again? Just an idea. Hang in there! I am a mommy of 4, but thankfully, the hubby is a huge help to me. I wish the same for you! :-) And communicate with him and let him know that you are burned out...remind him that he needs his "stress relievers" like nights out and golfing, and you wouldn't mind having a little as well with your FULL TIME JOB! Best to you!

You need to take time for yourself. Perhaps your husband could stay home once a week so that you could get out--away from the house and kids--or hire a sitter to watch all of the children.
This will not last forever as children do grow up. Take a breath, don't be too hard on yourself about the weight and make your husband help you more.

K.,
I am really sorry for your struggle. But to be honest, this is the easy time. I can totally relate. I raised 3 boys, like this. Husband with busy job and not much time to help with the kids. Is there a Mother's Day out program at your local or close by church? You could go have coffee with a friend or do some shopping. I wish there was some way I could help you. Because I can totally understand what you are going through. However, I live in Saudi Arabia right now. I am from Kansas City Missouri. Was born there and come there every summer. I will spend the summer with my 2 grandaughters and one of my grandsons. Here in Saudi my oldest son and his wife and 3 month old son live with us. So I help them out every day. Do you live close to family? I did not when they were growing up so it does make it difficult. God bless you and my best to you. As for your weight, try and do some sort of exercise each day. Like leg lifts, sit ups and if you have some weights lift them or just lift your baby. Hang in there!! These days will pass soon enough. Then they will be teenagers. Ugh!

I'm so sorry!!! You need to tell that man, not ask, that you are leaving the house first thing Saturday morning and not coming back until you are ready. Tell him it's mom's night out when he walks in the door tonight, in fact. The kids will still be alive when you get back, and Daddy might appreciate the work you do a little bit better. Guys need things spelled out for them sometimes.... "I NEED a break!"

If you are in a part of town with a MOMS Club chapter or something similar, I highly recommend something like that for you to make mom buddies and have some things to do with the kids during the day. It really helps the sanity level. http://www.momsclub.org/join.html

((Hugs!))