Mom's of Teens??? 13 Year Old daughter...left out...her Choice???

You don't need to spend $500 on a counselor to pose this question to your daughter.

The key is to keep your question brief and matter-of-fact-sounding.

"Hey honey, sometimes it seems like you are not part of the group at school and in sports. Does this bother you?" Then let her talk, and take her cue as to how much she wants to talk about it.

Asking this simple question should not hurt her feelings. And you're right, she might be completely happy about it. However, bringing up the subject does not mean you think there's anything wrong with her, it's just checking in on her and making sure everything's all right with her. That's what we moms are for.

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It's because of the huge love that you have for your daughter that this is bothering you. Question is--does it bother HER?
It's really hard, as a parent, to sit there seeing your own child being mistreated, ignored, slighted, etc. by other kids. BUT often they do not see it the same way.
Maybe your daughter is so bright, she doesn't need to "cling" to another kid to get through an assignment. Maybe she doesn't WANT to join in the "reindeer games", so to speak.
I know it's really, really, REALLY hard when we,as moms, have an outgoing, social personality to watch our quieter kids stay back, on the fringes, etc. But she may not be giving this another thought.
I liked the suggestion to say hey "On Saturday, want to go to the movies? Is there anyone you'd like to invite? Limit is 3 friends!" and see if that gives her a nudge......

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I have a 13 yo daughter as well and I am amazed at the social dynamics of girls at that age. Does she have at least one good friend? If yes then at least you know she is able to socialize. I would just engage her in a conversation, ask her who her best friend is, what are the other girls like etc. Tell her about when you were her age and such and see how she perceives your experiences. Some kids just aren't into group activities, they can really be overwhelming and sitting on the sidelines as an observer is okay as long as she's not closed off completely (no friends at all.)
I so understand the love you feel for you kids! Catches you off guard doesn't it?

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Well, I think you've answered your own question (she seems happy).

And you also revealed WHY she's so independent and doesn't really need a lot of reinforcement from peers , cause YOU think she's unbelieveable, and likely enjoy her every single moment. Strength and character comes from home, and you got it goin' on Mom!

Enjoy her! (I've got a fantastic 13 year old girl, too. I am amazed how well pulled toegether she is too, I must've been very good in another life!)

:)

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Girls that age are soooo hard to read. My daughter is 13 and I swore I would be a different mom than my mom was. I never talked to my mom and I started so early just hanging out with her ar bedtime and talking about her day, about what's going on at school...about everything. I believe that having set that standard, I get about 80-90% of what's on her mind. Although she is really friendly and has a core of really great friends, she recently told me that she was being bullied by some girl in school. I was so happy she told me this info. I gave her some ideas on how to deal with it and problem solved. Talk, talk, talk....good luck.

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I was like this, always got left out.

It was depressing and my mom constantly pressuring me to be more assertive or make friends was humiliating. My mom's main goal was for me to be popular. No matter how hard I tried, I always felt ignored. I was 'popular' too, a cheerleader, in all the right clubs, even voted a class favorite... but only liked on the surface. I once invited a few friends over for a slumber party, made lots of snacks and planned activities, yeah, no one showed up.

So, maybe she is fine being independent, maybe she tried and it eats her up inside b/c it isn't working. I would bring it up, ask if she wants to have any friends over or something. Encourage her, just be understanding too and not pressure her if it's a delicate issue. Maybe she would come out of her shell a bit in a non-school surrounding in a hobby class or something she really likes.

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I'm with Page 100%. Keep it open and brief. Great answer, Page! I think it does bother us a lot more than it bothers them---for sure. But you do want her to be able to talk about it to you IF it is bothering her.

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My parents paid my insurance and upkeep on the car, except gas, AS LONG AS - I kept my grades up, didn't get ANY tickets, and stayed out of trouble in general. Oh and I had to get a job. If I broke any of the rules, I would lose my privilages and if my insurance went up, I had to pay the difference.

well, as a loner myself, what i would say to you is this: leave it be.

im wondering: do you wonder if you and your daughter have a good relationship? is there something more than what you are asking here? i mean, take her out to dinner, just the two of you. try not to pressure her to have conversation, after a little while, its not like shes going to sit there in silence; she will talk eventually. somehow as the moment presents itself, you can let her know unconditionally that if shes ever feeling lonely or upset about something, she can always come to you - even if its just to ask to go out to dinner with you or something like that.

but anyway, theres a lot of reasons that i used to be like this. no one fully accepted who i was, or they didnt want to do the things that i did, or whatever. i wanted to be included in things, but not to the point where i gave up who i was. your daughter not fully being included isnt a bad thing really, it means shes not conforming to the standards that the social situations are presenting. but it can be lonely, and it can feel sometimes as if the friendships you have are superficial, only on the surface, and you dont really have someone to share your secrets with or your feelings with.

are there church groups she can be involved in? what about scouting? 4h? is she interested in a sport or talent? dance? something? see if theres not something she can get involved in that might introduce her to a new friend or something. other than that, i would literally leave her alone, dont worry about her other than to reassure her that she can always come to you, judgement free, and always hold up that end of the bargain. ;) you sound like a great mom, but i wouldnt worry too much about this particular issue. i know my mom had nothing to worry about. ;)

Since you wonder if she is too "goody", maybe she doesn't want to be a part of a group that she doesn't fit in with or relate to. Maybe she would fit in with a church youth group. I have a friend whose daughter is like this. She is now going to a Christian college and is happy there.

Does she have one close friend you can trust? or you have a younger sister she trusts? even a friend she admire or something?
I tell you this for 2 different reasons....

1. I was the exact opposite....i was a cheerleader, i was a party girl, with awful grades but i was involved in every single extracurricular activity my school had....then at 15 i began to starve myself....for me it was great i had always been skinny but i was ultra skinny...and my best friend noted it...she talked to me and i didnt listen, then behind my back she went to my mom....it made my mom open her eyes (we are very close, my and my mom and always were, but you know....negation....great mechanism of defense) i was very angry with my friend for a short period of time, later during therapy and just trying to think like an adult i figured out she loves me, and she told my mom for me....so maybe if theres something going on and you know shes got a mature friend you can trust?

2. i have a younger sister 9 years younger than me...but we have a great relationship we are as close as it can get...i trust her with my soul...and she trust me....i have gain this trust....she's 16 so i know she will sometimes do things that are not "right" but if i know there will be no harm i stay quiet, in the other hand, if i think there is something that could turn out wrong,i let my mom know...sometimes she knows but stays quiet...like if she wants to sneak out with friends to go to a club or something...she sneaks out from my mom but not from me...i drop her...sometimes i even go with my friends or if not i pick her up, o i know shes not with random or drunk people....but most of the time i tell my mom and shes aware of what mi little sis is doing but she knows is normal of her age and stays quiet cuz this is why she trust me....and is good thing she does.....if she si being bullied at school she will tell me, and then i will tell my mom so she can talk with her teachers...and so on....

so maybe if you are not able to reach to her cuz you are "just her uncool mom" someone else who you can trust will..

hope this helps...

ps. maybe she likes to be alone...my very popular little sister, or even i decided to stay at home sometimes, just reading and enjoying our alone time when everyone else was partying....my sister really likes to be by herself, even when she have a great group of friends who are always up to something...

I have an almost 16 and 14 year old. I'm always trying to talk to both of them, they have their days when they open up other days when they don't. I personally don't think your daughter needs counseling. Your are basing she may need counseling more on a rumor you heard. You've stated that you think she's happy. At the beginning of this school year, they had open house, and parents get to go to each of their kid's classes in the order that our kids go in the morning, we have like 15 min. in each class. Anyway, when I got to my son's (the almost 14 year old) science class the teacher was talking about the science fair project and showed us the board with all their names. Everyone but my son was a couple. So after the class, I asked my son why he wasn't paired up, he said he didn't want too, because he didn't want to depend on someone else for his grade. I was really proud of him.

To me, it sounds like you have a lot to be proud of with your daughter. Just always leave the door for communication to be open. My son, has a hard time expressing his feelings to me, everything is fine. My daughter almost 16, usually will talk to me, but there are days when she doesn't. She needs her "me" time. If she feels that she's been around too many people for too long she'll get irritated and sometimes mean, I think that's too have her "me" time. She will spend time alone in her room. I use to think something was really wrong, but over the years I know it's just her way of being. My son is different, he doesn't ever like to be alone. Don't project how you feel on your daughter. Let her open up to you. It's okay if she wants to be by herself and not part of the group, to me, she's a natural born leader.

I think I would wait for a natural moment to bring it up so she doesn't get the impression you think it is a problem. When you gain knowledge of a specific event say, "why aren't you going to the .....wtih .....?" Then just see what she says and take it from there. It may not be a problem for her. She may not be interested in what they are doing. I do know how you feel about wanting her to be included and have good social time with her friends. Another way to address it is to be the organized. I will tell my daughter on a day like today when I am free to drive and there is no school..."text a group of friends and see who all can go to the movies...tell them I can drive whoever needs a ride.." By doing this you are creating the event and she will not be left out. Good luck..

It depends on your approach. You may ask her as IF she made the decision (something like "honey, why do you not participate in XYZ", then from there she can begin to express her feelings about 1) being left out 2) her choice not to participate 3) any biases they may have toward her. It simply opens up the conversation so you can know the real reason she is not involved. Maybe she does not want to participate. Maybe she doesn't feel comfortable or IS comfortable just being low key in crowd settings.

I know exactly how are you feeling. My daughter was often left out, I use to think that it was because she liked different things (Pokemon,draw and she was a bookworm) but the most I would do to "make" her social, the most she would close in her room. She use to tell me she was shy but it was hard for me to understand that because she has being always the fun of my family.
2 years ago we move out of state and she was ahead in her new school and she start to get grate grades, the teachers also notice her drawing talent and ask her to draw in the school's windows, etc.
She also went to a camp where she climb and canoe for a whole week, something that she had never done before and fill her with not only a great selfesteam(word??) but a lot of conversation stories.
She now has many friends and to be honest, I know it was all on her own and no because of me.
I wish I knew this would happen because I wouldn't have push it so much before.
However I will tell you be careful what you wish for, this year is so much girl drama (like 2 girls wearing the same hair style!) lol.
I wish I could tell you what to do, but like I say before some how she did it all on her own one day, but what I notice that make a change was to show her talents and be open to new things, in the mean time just keep telling her how amazing she is and make sure she knows she can tell you if something is bothering her (like bullies, low selfsteem, etc).
I thought toddlers where hard, until mine became a teen!

Maybe she is just a loner. I had 6 siblings. One truely was a loner and when she did have friends she was annoyed at them always. I thought she was strange. I wanted friends but was always lacking in them till middle school.

I lacked confidence and man when I got some there came the friends. I had them coming out of my ears. Before that not so much.

But maybe she has a confidence issue, lacks social skills, or is just like my sister and is a loner. I think you'd have to actually observe her in that setting. Do you guys go to something that you could see her in? Does she befriend her cousins even? or things like there where you could see her? That is really what I'd do is see how she does around other girls when you are around. Does she go in her own little corner with a book... does she read the book or keep looking up sad? Or does she kinda just hang around the exterior not really able to get in.

You could just talk to her but you are right might open a can of worms but I think you got a much better shot of you two having a nice intimate conversation that might bring you two closer! So that is something to think about too.