S.M. asks from Lynn, MA on May 06, 2007
Mom, Step Mom and Dad?????
I have a 5 year old step son that comes over 2-3 days a week, my problem is that he does not behave at all when he is with his mom but when he comes over to our house with me and his dad he is no trouble, I mean there is sometimes he does not listen but if you repeat what your request was he listens but other then that he is overall pretty good. The problem we are having is that whe he misbehaves at home dad gets a phone call for him to have a talk with his son because he is not listen or he is hitting or not behaving in school.
We just don't think we should be the ones having a talk with him because he is not misbehaving this way with us......any suggestings???????
T.S. answers from Boston on May 07, 2007
I think that you should let his dad talk to him . just becasue his dad not there when he being do not mean his job is done when he drops him off its inmportant for the dad to there for him no matter what.
K.M. answers from Boston on May 07, 2007
Congrats on the new twins! They must me a lot of work. My first piece of advice is..and you will probably notice this when your girls get older....that children always behave better for other people than when they are home alone with thier mother. They test their boundaries more because they know that no matter how bad they behave mom will still love them and forgive them. Now I am not saying that she is right for calling your house all the time for the father to disipline his son but occasionaly reinforcements from dad are nessesary. The worst thing you can do is rub it in her face about how well he behaves at your house. My son is three and a perfect angel for everyone else. He and I are in battles and my sister (who doesn't have any kids of her own) makes me feel terrible when she tells me how good he is for her and how I'm am doing everything wrong. When that is just not the case! Since the child is five my advice would be to have his father sit down with him and ask him why he doesn't listen to mommy like he does to daddy. He should try talking with the mother about boundaries make suggestions about how you handle situations at your house and what has worked and not worked.
Good luck, and God bless
B.H. answers from Boston on May 09, 2007
I am also a stepmom to a seven year old. Our situation is a little different, but I think the mother needs to step up to the plate. No wonder why he is not listening to his mother, you see in his eyes he doesn't have to listen to his mother becasue "mommy will call daddy". If his mother ever wants him to listen to her then she will need to not call you guys. I would be careful of how you guys tell her. I am not sure what kind of a relationship you and your soon to be husband have with her, but if she doesn't like you then I would say he needs to do the talking. If you would like more information let me know. Hope I was able to help.
H.W. answers from Providence on May 07, 2007
Hi S.. My question is what are you & his dad doing that is different from what his mom is doing? My middle son's father & I had a huge problem w/his daughter from his first marriage. His daughter was the typical 'spoiled brat.' I had gotten together w/her mom, the maternal grandfather, & my son's father - we all sat down and discussed the problems that Joe & I were having w/his daughter. We all came to an agreement that we would all implement the same rules in each home; it took some time, but it did eventually work. That Christmas, I bought my stepdaughter a bunch of Barbies & Barbie accessories as a reward for her much improved behavior. Doing something similar (meeting together to discuss a plan & implement it) might help.
H.M. answers from Boston on May 07, 2007
As a mom of a son who goes to his father's house every other weekend, I believe your step-son's mom is doing the right thing. She needs to include the father in all of this. There is obviosly something going on and they need to get to the bottom of this. I suggest either sending the boy or the whole family to a therapist if they can't figure out whats wrong. Maybe the change of going back and forth so often isn't doing him any good. Maybe he misses his dad more than everyone realizes. He's acting out for a reason. Obviosly he respects you and his father more than his mother which is wrong (maybe he's learned this from someone?). She needs to start playing the bad guy, but you and your husband do, as well. If he acts up in school, and he get punished by his mom, the punishment should also travel into your house. He has to spend the week in his room with no friends or tv? the same goes for at your house. No one can bend the rules even just a little. You do and he'll fall apart.
I've had to bring my son to therapy before. He would come home from his father's and he would hit me, etc. No reason for it either. Once we started therapy (all of us-me, my son, his father and my husband) he got much better. Even after just 2 sessions. Everyone has to be on board with this. Not just the mom. She would feel like you guys just don't care about the boy at all, just when he's with you and not all the time, that's not fair to anyone.
It can be hard, but there are people out there that can help. You should be happy that she's comfortable enough to call your house and discuss your stepson with you and your husband instead of shutting you out.
I wish you the best of luck. I've sort of been there in a way.
C.M. answers from Springfield on May 07, 2007
I went through w/ that with my ex husband and our 3 children. I had to put my foot down and tell them they couldnt call me to deal w/ their issues. it took several times of doing that for them to get the hint. Now i never get calls from them. they have learned they have to deal with problems with their dad, with their dad.