Mom Seeking Advice on How to Handle Major Melt Downs

B.-
I have a little 3 year old daughter---and no you're not an idiot or alone on this issue. I think as parents we have to remember that our children are at that age where they just throw fits and it gets better with time as they learn to control their emotions. My daughter too is experiencing some speech delay and I've had her in a public school setting for this, but I strongly recommend that you get more involved with this, because I saw my daughter in a group of kids (an no offense to parents out there with children who have serious physical/mental abilities), but each child needs particular type of attention and focus on their weakness to make it into a strength so this really is a call for all parents to get involved with their child's upbringing. So my daughter was basically picking up bad behavior from children who just couldn't control themselves and their actions due to severe mental development delays and public school system needs to do more and better in accomodating these needs better than just lumping all the kids in one class/group. If your child has speech delay ask just for speech therapy instead of play group etc...If your gut is telling you anything different seek second and even third opinion. Get some toys (learning) without many noises that you can play with your child at home---and whenever the 17 month is sleeping and the other one isn't make time for him and give him that little extra attention. In the spring/summer take them out to the park or even now in the winter take them to the children's museums...for example Ann Arbor has Hands on Museum---it has something for 3 year old as well as 17 month old---but you'll need to go there with your husband on the weekend or something because it maybe too difficult with two kids by yourself. I don't know where you live but I'd be happy to get together with you and have our children socialize---in any case stay strong and persistent. I strongly believe that no matter what anyone says you know your child best-and at this age they're still too young to understand a lot of things as we'd like them to---I can only image that it must be difficult for you with two kids---but don't give up this will get better. Take good care and read online about behavior issues and how to correct them, visit local library or bookstore. DON'T FORGET TO MAKE TIME FOR YOURSELF---ASK YOUR HUSBAND TO TAKE CARE OF THE CHILDREN FOR AN HOUR OR SO WHILE YOU GO AND GET YOUR HAIR DONE OR SOMETHING THAT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY AND REJUVENATED. GOOD LUCK AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

I work at an early childhood development center that sometimes caters to a lot of special needs children. In the past I have worked with children with both aspergers and autism without any formal training, so I know how frustrating it can be trying to communicate with these children. If it is autism you're looking at then don't be affraid to look up and utilize helpful hints on the internet or in books. Once you learn how to communicate with a child who is autistic it's like there's no difference at all! You'd be surprised. Children with this "disorder" are extremely intellegent, sometimes more so than other "normal" children, they just use different methods of communication, most often touch or textile. Besides telling you to reasearch these methods one piece of advice I can give you is this: When going on an outing bring something your child can fidget with that will hold his attention. Something pleasing to the touch like play dough, string, or something fuzzy. The textures are what keep them interested. Also consider your surroundings. Children with autism are not likely to enjoy being in places with a lot of bright lights, or loud noises. Sometimes even lots of people are enough to set off an outburst. They throw tantrums because they cannot tell you that they are not comfortable with their surroundings. instead of dragging your child kicking and screaming, approach them on their level (getting down low to the ground) avoid eyecontact, and speak to them in a low soothing voice, and let them know exactly what is expected of them. For instance: "Tommy, it is not ok for you to push those things off of that table, we're going to go sit down now" and lead them away calmly. Another method is to differ them away from a tantrum by calling their attention to something else "You may not push those things off the table, but it is ok for you to play with your play dough..." This is often helpful. It's a frustrating task to learn how to comply with ANY childs needs, they are all so very different, but theres no need to be embarressed by the situation, just get educated, and you'll be surprised at how easy it is to manage their behavior and enjoy more happy moments together :) Good luck! Let me know how it goes!

Dear B., we can help! At Parent Support and Advocacy Program, we help parents of special-needs kids and adults in Wayne County for free. While I have a support group in Western Wayne County for all disabilities, my specialty is emotional impairments/Mental Health. However, because your son has a form of Autism, I think you will be better served by contacting my co-worker Lori Huntington, who is the mother of an AI child, and who runs our Trenton/downriver group, as well as a sibling group, which will come in handy for you in a few years! Her number is ###-###-####. Keep us posted-K.

My now five year old had some of these issues. I started to make mental notes as to when they happened and it seemed as though he had limits as to how much stimulation he could handle. We had to limit our outings to short ones where there wouldn't be too many people or too many things going on or else the meltdowns would get so bad that he would scream for an hour when we got home or he would throw up. My husband can't hanlde too much either or he throws up or gets a headache. If we gave him a day of being at home just hanging out in between days where we did stuff, he would do better. Start watching what cues he sends out before he has had too much and end the stimulation there. If you can find someone to watch your younger child, you can take him to a quiet and dark place, just before he has the meltdown and just hold him in there for a bit so that he can calm himself down and "recharge". I also think that it would be a good idea to read "Raising Your Spirited Child", it sounds like it would help, I know it helped us.

Oh and don't worry too much, the behavior gets better as they get older.

I am a single Mom and have two Aspberger's boys myself (high functioning Autism). I have found that when they have a major meltdown such as you've described it's usually because they are on sensory overload. The best thing you can do in that type of situation is just get him out of it and to a place he can calm down. In my opinion, you need to try and track what sets him off and do your best to avoid that particular situation if at all possible. Even though your son is only three have you considered putting him on any medication to help you modify his negative behavior? I felt like I was going out of my mind until I got my boys started on meds. My oldest is now 13 and still has major meltdowns from time to time depending on what's going on around him. Normally it's because he hasn't gotten his way. I just send him to his room where it's quiet and a little darker to calm himself down. I found that if I try to talk him through it the conversation often times can make the situation worse, it's best to just leave him alone until he's ready to interact again. I do my best to do all my shopping and errands while the boys are at school. I don't take them into a public setting unless absolutely necessary or if it's a situation where those around me are aware/accepting of my boys needs (church). Too many things can set them off too quickly making for a nasty scene. I often feel like people look at me thinking "why can't you control your kid?" When I find they are out of control I just get them out of sight as soon as possible. There have been quite a few times I have had them in hysterics while I'm checking out at the store and all I can do is look at the cashier and say "Their meds are wearing off - we need to go" and hope he/she picks up the check-out pace. I've had managers running from all corners of a store looking at me wierdly thinking I've beaten my son because he is screaming so loudly because I won't buy him a toy. Just remember you are a good Mom and you are not alone when it comes to a kid having a meltdown. Who cares what others think? They don't know your personal situation and shouldn't be judgemental. Things will get easier as you find out by trial and error what works to head off the meltdowns. If you're in the Oakland or Macomb areas you can get some help through MORC, Inc. They specialize in Autistic and Cognitively Impaired children's needs. Let me know if you want the contact info. Also, remember, special needs kids will pick up on your stress a lot faster than "normal" kids will. Keep yourself calm and the meltdowns won't last as long. Be firm, consistent and strong. If you get upset it just fuels his fire. Good luck - Merry Christmas!

Hi B.,

As a way to envision a normal future for your oldest son, you may like to read the teaching tips for autistic children in the link below. They were written by a highly functioning autistic person (and written very well, I might add).

http://www.autism-mi.org/aboutautism/teaching.tips.grandi...

You will get over feeling like a prisoner in your own home because full-time school is looming in his future. But for now, utilize anyone your son accepts (or likes) as your helper and get out of the house for a breather each day.

You will feel less like an incompetent as you get more savvy in teaching and disciplining your oldest son. No baby comes with instructions (we should really remedy this). We all have to learn about our children, read appropriate information, and take advantage of any support groups out there. If you can't find a support group close by for Mothers of Autistic Children, try joining Mothers of Preschoolers. There are several groups in our area.

Here's their group locator:

http://www.mops.org/Groups/group_search.php

Good Luck and I'll be praying for you.

D.