Mom Seeking Advice for Grown Son.

this is pretty much what happens when a young man is involved with a girl....raised 6 boys myself. He's breaking the apron strings. Not much you can do; he's an adult. He may just be real....busy. Hopefully the relationship is a healthy one. If so, he'll re-establish contact when things aren't so "new" and "intense". If not, he'll wander back when the relationship crumbles. Either way, sounds like it's time to "give him the pink slip on his life". Good luck!

Don't give up, he will come around. If doesn't call you call him! Tell him you love him and will allways be there for him no matter what. Some girlfriends suck but you'll deal with it. Invite them over for Pizza or something, plan something special on his next birthday or a holiday, maybe one of the other boys' birthdays. Get the other boys to talk to him. I am allways asking my boys to talk to their brother for me and try to get it through his thick head. I have 4 boys and one girl. Just don't give up, silence is not the answer.

Dear T.,
I to have a son that has grown a bit distant since the arrival and continued relationship with his girlfriend. I have told myself it is part of growing up. I can remember being distant with my mother. Not by choice, I was just busy being or trying to be, an adult.
I am not taking it personal, do you think you should? I think he is just trying to grow up. He will find that being antisocial might get boring. He will miss his family soon. I would just stand by and let him know when you can that you think of him often and love him.

Hope I helped some. Remember you are not alone !!
L. B.

Don't take it personally. It is not about you. He is in his early 20's and looking to experience and create life on his own terms. I remember how I was when I was in my 20's...I loved my family dearly, but hanging out with them was the last thing I wanted to do. I would go 3-4 months without talking to my parents.

I think the more you try to force the closeness - the more he will pull away.

It sounds like you have placed blame on his "antisocial girlfriend". Try to work through those feelings and release them. They will both pick up on that underlying negative energy which will only increase the tension and distance. He is doing this of his own volition, and it has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with him finding his path into adulthood. This is a stepping stone.

I know it hurts. You are grieving the loss of the closeness that you shared. The good news is the closeness will come back. He knows how much you love him. This is a stage in his life; it is transitional, temporary - not the beginning of the end.

Try to shift your emotions and your energy away from focusing on what you don't want or don't have. Focus on how full your heart is with love and gratitude for your son and family. Try to set aside 15 - 20 minutes in the morning and the evening to do this.

Keep a list of all the positive traits that you appreciate about his girlfriend. Focus on acceptance and gratitude because your son has found a partner from which he will learn valuable life lessons.

Journal - if you are feeling negativity and you just need a way to get it out - write it all down on paper - purge. Don't censor yourself - no matter how ugly your words and feelings might be - get that poison out of your mind and body. Then tear it up or burn it. Once that's out - then fill your mind with unconditional love, acceptance, support, patience.

Best wishes
M.

Hi T. - I too am a single mom with a 23 yr old son. He is also my youngest because he is my only. It has been very difficult for me to let go of him as an adult and there have been rocky periods over the past several years. What really changed my life around, believe it or not, was watching "Smallville." It is a television show based on Superman's highschool (and now beyond) years. I watched and realized what it was that my adultish boy wanted and expected from a parent - Clark Kent's parents are of course, perfect. Although it is a fictional piece, I realized I could get a lot closer to being Martha Kent than I had been. Our relationship changed over night. You can rent the DVDs from a video store or Netflix - but start with season 1, the parenting stuff are in the earlier seasons.

Im a mom of four boys....them growing distant from us is the most heart wrenching experience. I find the more I push the more they turn away....Getting to know his girlfriend, maybe just visiting with her alone, or stopping by for a visit here and there(maybe bring something yummy they like to eat)could warm up her waters, which will let him know you accept his decisions and lifestyle. Act interested, but not desperate....it works better. Hope you find that relationship with your now grown boy.

Dear T., That is heart breaking. I know how you feel. I have raised four children who are now in their 40's and their personalities are all very different. I think two things......one just keep loving him in your heart, be cheerful and don't pressure him right now. Two, keep thinking that the relationship with this girlfriend won't last so wait it out. I wish you had had a daughter to talk too...that helps. so glad you wrote. Pray in your heart and know there will be a blessing down the road. Barb

Dear T.,

I think that sometimes when we get into bad relationships, we tend to close ourselves off from our families and friends. Mainly because we are embarrassed or ashamed of the situation that we've gotten ourselves into. He may need time to work it out for himself to realize that he needs to get out of it. If he were truly happy, he would not alienate you like this. That is NOT what happy people do. I do not know the full dynamics of your relationship so I can say if this is for sure the reason. I don't know what type of conversations you and your son have so I don't know if he feels you are trying to be too controlling? But from what it sounds like in your advice request, I would assume my first answer. So I guess there really isn't a solution that will fix this problem. Give him always your love and he will come back.

Sincerely,
T.

Hi T.,
Is it possible that your idea of close and his idea of close are two different ideas? Maybe now that he has a girlfriend that he enjoys spending time with he has realized that you smothered him all these years. Children go through different stages in life. I remember at that age that I didn't have a great realtionship with my mom, but I did with my dad. Everytime I would talk to my mom I ended up getting angry and hanging up on her. This went on for years until I had kids of my own. Also I dated a boy after we graduated highschool and when we went into college together. After dating for three years and living together, his mom finally succeeded in breaking us up. She told me that she now regrets doing that, but it was only because he was the youngest of three and she was jealous of the time that he and I spent together. Trust me when I say that if you interfere in your son's love life and relationships, he will never forgive you. As with the boy, he is married now with 5 or 6 children, all adopted except two and he moved his family to the midwest to be away from his parents.
I know you love your son, but interfere in his new found love and things will get ugly.
Stand back and from time to time send him a simple card or note telling him you are thinking of him. Try not to write him a novel about how much you love and miss him, this will drive him away. Be patient and when he's matured and ready, he will continue his relationship with you maybe not as it was, but as two mature adults.
Good Luck

I don't know if I have any advice but I can totally relate. My 23 year old son is in Iraq. He and his girlfriend did a military marriage type thing that all the soldiers do before they get deployed so he gets extra money and benefits for having a wife, and she gets to use base facilities. They had only been together for a couple of months before the marriage, and I had not even met her yet at that point.

So now I have to deal with the fact that he is married, and that he somehow manages to call her at least once or twice a day, while we are lucky to get one or two phone calls from him a month. That really does make us feel hurt, but we can't say anything, just accept it.

I've really made an effort to make friends with my daughter-in-law, which fortunately was not difficult because she is a sweet young woman, but she lives in another state. She and I talk on the phone frequently, as she is pretty much my only connection to my son.

I sympathize; I guess the saying is true, a son is a son till he takes a wife, a daughter is a daughter all of her life. I know things will work out and be fine for both of us, maybe just a little different than we wish they were, but what in life isn't, I guess? Best wishes to you.

T., I can feel your pain. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to step back and give your son the space he is asking for. If you are sure he is safe, then I would let him know how much you love him and miss him, and that you are there for him whenever, with out judgement.

Later, invite them over for dinner or something. He will soon tire of his girlfriends mental problems and remember where his true support is.

J.

Hi T.! It's hard as your kids move out and establish themselves independent of you. I can only tell you that as a mom of 5 grown children, there are seasons of relationships just like seasons of life. I have had times with a couple of my kids where they have isolated themselves from me. I think part of the reason is that when they are so close, they have to work hard at creating themselves as individuals separate from you. It is a normal and healthy thing to do. It doesn't feel normal and healthy to us because we are the ones left behind so get busy creating yourself in this new way too. Some specific advice: Seek out your son regularly but not daily. Give him the gift of space BUT stay in contact. Don't talk down his girlfriend! Say nice things about her even if they are hard to find. Let him be the adult in that relationship. Stay busy. Create a new life for yourself. You have lots of years so use the energy you used to spend on your kids on something else worthwhile. There are lots of ways to love on people and use those "mom" skills for the betterment of others, including yourself!

You are lucky your son was so close with you for so long. Usually they break off in highschool. He is into a new chapter of his life and it certainly can't be a three some. If she is antisocial, he may see this later as not a good thing. He still loves you, but he is in a new relationship with a new female and he is putting his all into that one. Your his mom, he knows you love him and you will always be there. That's why he feels ignoring you is ok. When he is comfortable with his new girlfriend, he may push her a little more. You should allow him his space right now, but still call him once a week to show you are still interested in what's up. Let him tell you what he wants and don't push. He wants to be a man and not tell his mom everything, right now. It's ok to give him his space and know that he will come back around. I spent years thinking my son didn't like me anymore. He doesn't share much, but I respect what he does say and I get more from him that way. Good luck at getting through this. If you feel there is some reason you may have caused this, don't hesitate to ask. If he doesn't want to share, tell him if there ever is a problem, please share it with you, even if it means writing it to you. My nephew stayed away from his mom for years until she stopped badgering him; she was him mother and he should do what she says. Now that she has let him be an independent man, they have a great relationship. BUT, even though the girl is antisocial, he should still keep in touch. His brothers should be able to help with this also. You are all family. It's ok to be nosey.

I am sorry for you as I know how much it hurts.

Sounds just like my own life...lol. I had the same problem with my boy who is now 26. As soon as he and his girlfriend got together, we started that drifting apart stage too. They married and have two beautiful boys together now. I had to finally take my boy out for a ride just to talk alone. I told him that I realize that he has his own life now and his own family to spend his time with BUT for my own sanity and peace of heart and mind...I needed him too. I told him that I loved him and that I enjoy his company and I find myself missing him. I asked him if he would try and see us a bit more when he can or just call collect. Whatever he could swing just to let me know he was okay. He lives in a different town, close enough for them to drive out once a week and have dinner with us and he calls me once a week also ,,,sometimes I get lucky and get two calls. Lol. I had to realize my boy was growing up on me and was trying to figure out for his own self just what kind of man he was going to be. I've gotten lucky as my daughter in law enjoys our weekly get togethers too now so I really had to make a point of getting to know her and involving her also...that was tough in the beginning and required real work for all of us. I had to remember that whatever my dislikes about her were just mine...not shared by him so I bite my tongue alot. Lol. I think that the time we took to really get to know her helped the relationship with my son. Can't say that I really really like her any more than in the beginning but I am trying and keeping my negataive views to myself so I don't alienate him in the process.Try not to pressure him too much mom although thats easier said than done as it literally hurts our hearts but continue letting him know how much you love him and miss him...that you still need to hear your boy often! Good luck and hope this helps some.

T.,
It must be terribly hard. You have gotten great advice here. I will speak to being the girl on the other side. My mother in law did not like me. She hated my family because they are completely messed up. Even though I didn't fit in with my family, she thought I was like them... I encouraged her high school drop out son to get his GED and go to college. I made him a better man that she could ever do, because I had the influence. That's just it...the girl in his life has the influence. Hopefully they are a good girl like me - but sometimes they may not be.

I guess the key is to let him live his life and make his mistakes. By being a judgemental, difficult person my husband's mother has lost him. Neither one of us want to spend time with her and that is soooo sad. Especially for our two baby sons. And now I face going through what you are ... We have 1 and 3 year old boys and some day I will lose them to another woman. How horrible.

I wish you so much luck and patience.

The more you try to hold on to your son, the more he may move away from you. He is a man now with a girl-friend and is working to build his own life and future.
1) Do not blame his girl-friend. He has chosen her and will defind her if you are critical. You must be loving and accepting of her, and any other woman he choses, or he will have even less contact with you.
2)Continue to contact him occasionally (weekly, monthly) just to interest in what he is doing. Do not contact him to tell him your troubles or complain about not seeing him. Guilt does not work. Continue to be loving and interested in his life and he may slowly begin to take more interest in maintaining a relationship with you.

It is difficult to let go of our children. They are often ready to move away from us sooner than we are ready to let them go. Remember, you have done your job of raising him. Now it is his job to build a life and you have to be a positive element if you want to be part of that life.

I am sure your son still loves you very much. But at this point in his life he is probably looking for someone to start a family with or to find out what he really wants in life. You want him to be happy and you want him to be able to have a family like what you provided for him and his brothers, right? Well, let him find someone that he can start that with. He knows that you will always be there for him, like you have always shown to him in raising him. So, let him find out who he is and what he wants in life. The more you start pushing and being desperate the more he might push away. Try to step back, but making sure you let him know that you love him and that if he ever needs anything you will always be there. Always try to be supportive and if he is truely asking you "what do you think about..." than you give him the most honest motherly advice you can. But, if he is not wanting that right now, don't but in to his life telling him things he should or should not do. Let him grow. Let him find who he is. Love him through this time.

When my son was in his early twenties, he withdrew from me and we did not communicate for 4 years. During that time, when I held him in my thoughts, prayers, meditations, I built a bridge of acceptance, love, and peace with my thoughts about him. Every time I thought of him, I would send him my love and acceptance. I let go and let God take my thoughts to my son. When my son and his wife found out that they were going to have a baby, my son called to tell me. During our conversation, I asked if he had felt any concern, when he decided to calle me, that I would feel anger or judgment about his disconnect from me. His reply was, "No." Then, I told him what I had been doing for 4 years; holding him in Love and Light. It worked.

I Highly recommend the book "When Parents Hurt, Compassionate Strategies When you and Your Grown Child Don't Get Along"." Even though my children are not grown yet, I am getting a lot out of it (I am currently reading this).

I too am a single mother with a 22 year old son. My suggestion is to invite both of them to dinner. Be open non-judgemental and honest. Engage her in a conversation about her family and relationship. Showing an interest in her may open up communication lines with him. This may give you insight to why he is distant may or may not have any thing to do with her. It will show him that you are interested in his life regardless of his decisions. When communications open back up you can go deeper with your feelings about this young lady. Bottom line a negative influence it probably wont last and you have been open and supportive of you son and he will be back
K.

Dear T., I understand how extremely painful this alienation is for you. Many years ago my eldest, with whom I was very close, pulled away and barely spoke to me when we visited him and his new wife or they visited us. It lasted five years, just long enough for his young wife, who was very insecure because of particular trauma in her own life, to realize his love for her was not going to be challenged by ANYTHING! She has grown into a wonderful wife and mother, and a very loving, attentive daughter-in-law. My pain was intense; I simply didn't understand, nor could he have articulated it to me, but it was worth all my pain for his future good. Our relationship now is appropriately close for an adult son and mom. He/they show their love in myriad ways. R

Dear Mom, I also have raised 3 kids as a single mom, one of whom is a son. My son is now 40 years old, so you can see we have had many years together & apart. He ran away at 16, joined the military at 18, traveled across the country at 21. Many times I didn't hear from him for months into years, but I kept hopeing. One year I hadn't heard from him for about 18 months & then received a Mother's Day Bouquet, no card. Eventually, he came home & now we have a wonderful relationship. What I'm saying is that you did a great job when your son(s) were small. Be patient, no matter how hard it is to wait, stay pleasant, he'll come around. Girl friends come & go, Moms are forever.

Hi Tony

My only son is 28 and we are and have always been very close. At some point that closeness became smothering for him and he needed "space." He explained it to me that he just needed to be out in the world on his own. It was hard for me but I stopped calling him and if I needed something I sent him a quick e-mail. This was not about me doing anything wrong. It was about him needing to be an adult.

Our relationship is still really good and nothing has changed but I have learned to give him that space as it is an important part of his development. I suspect that it won't change until he has his own children. My advice is to pretend that it is ok with you and know that whether you see him or talk to him a lot, the love is still there.

Sounds like my youngest son as well. What I do is just to keep in touch every week or so, not too often and I remind him that I love him and that I would like to get to know his partner. I even wrote a book about his life for his 21st birthday, in which I recall a lot of the meaningful or slimpy fun times we had together.
J. (mom to 4 kids between 31 and 21)

First of all, he is 23 and adult. You can ask his girlfriend over for lunch or dinner and get to know more about her. Maybe you could ask what she likes to do such as shopping, bowling, etc., then do something together. She might prefer to stay in the house and play games or just to chat. Do not say bad things about her to your son, it will drive him away from you and spend more time with her. Try to treat her like she is a family. God bless you . . . B.

A young man is often torn between his mom and his lady (whether girlfriend or wife). Really, your best way back into the picture is to befriend the girlfriend. If there is any bad feelings between you and her (especially if you have voiced things to your son), then he is forced to choose where his loyalties lie. A mother rarely wins in that struggle.

If that is something you just cannot bring yourself to do, then you can ask your oldest son to step in and see if he can get your youngest to open up to him.

Most likely, your son and his girlfriend either think you don't like her, that you disrespect her, or that you are overstepping your bounds and trying to be too involved in their relationship.

Hi! I feel your pain in your words, I am sorry. I have a 20 year old daughter, my youngest. She is now married to a man who has put her in a position where she felt she had to chose. When I saw that, I talked to her alone, and only for a minute; I told her that I would always be her mother, even a blood transfusion couldn't change that, and I'm not going anywhere, do not feel that you have to chose. It worked like a charm, she felt no pressure anymore, if I don't hear from her for a few days, I act like its no big deal. She has 2 of my grandsons so I have an added interest, but I have found that kind of like cats, if they think its their idea it must be a good one! Believe in the bond created over a lifetime, and he will come around. I hope that even if this doesn't help, at least you know that you are defintely not alone :-)