Mom Seeking Advice After Seperation

Hi K.,

I'm glad I saw your message. You should be proud of yourself for reaching out and asking for help. My husband and I teach people how to make and save extra money, and we'd be happy to help. Our service is free of charge. Give me a call ###-###-####. L. Stroud

2 moms found this helpful

K.,

My son's father and I split when I was 3 months pregnant and, it was awful. I didn't move out until after my son was born, because I was too stubborn to admit it was as awful as it was.

When I finally moved out, I couldn't afford rents in the area we lived in on my own and I wasn't working because the plan had been for me to stay home. My son's father was not as willing to help me with funds due to his own financial stress, but I had to do what I had to do in order to provide for my son.

I moved home to my parents house, more than an hour away from my son's father. For me, as you say in your post, it just made sense to be around family who could help and be reliable. He was not happy at how far away it was, and tried to do the same thing...my response to him was pretty simple, if you are going to pay my rent and utilities on a place in the area then I will stay in the area. Of course, he was not willing/able to do that and he understood after a period of anger and not talking to me.

Honestly, if you are doing what's best for you and your kids I'd ask him to understand...obviously, if he is as stubborn as my ex and I were, it will take a ton of battling before you finally get to a point where you agree to disagree and move on. But, down the road it could get ugly again, as it did for me. My son's Dad sued me for custody and claimed I was an unfit mother. I would get a lawyer and get some answers about moving out of state and how that will work. My attorney helped me understand things, and get a clear head on the whole thing. Since you have little ones you might want to consider looking finding a neighborhood within driving distance to your ex.

If it weren't for my family, I don't know how I would have managed. My sister and Mom, always bought diapers and formula and helped me whenever I needed it. My Mom and Dad helped me with groceries and meds when my son needed them (he was 8 weeks premature). Being near your family is important, but you also don't want to stand in the way of your kids seeing their Dad.

You might look into a neighborhood nearby that has lower rents or find a way to comprimise on the out of state thing. I am allowed to take my son out of state, if it is my time and vice versa but, it can't infringe on his time with his Dad that is court appointed. If you were never married, it can be tougher to get through the courts but, be the first one to act and don't take his word that he will pay you anything in support.

My son's Dad see's him almost daily since his family moved up here where we live and every other Saturday for 9 hours...it can work. We have a custody agreement, and this gives us a 90/10 split, and while it's tough its good for our son to be around his Dad. Your kids need their father around, and if were'nt for mediation we wouldn't have come to any kind of agreement on anything!

Be brave and strong! You sound like you know what your kids need and aren't thinking about just you, so I say support yourself and go with those Mommy instincts.

Hugs to you and your family...

2 moms found this helpful

Being a single mom of young children is extremely difficult. You cannot leave your city, let alone your state without your husbands ok. Check your custody legality to see what exactly it says about moving.
Unless he is physically or mentally abusive or an addict to anything, you are much better off trying to reconcile the marriage........................
Really.................

1 mom found this helpful

Hi K.,

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Good Luck to you!

1 mom found this helpful

Hi K., you might try looking into apartment complexes for low income families. I live in Orange and i know there is one (i'm sure there are more) that the rent is affordable, I was looking into it myself. And its a nice complex too! Other then that, if you moved with your family which I think is a good idea for you, you need family especially if you and him are not going to be together, would he consider flying frequently to visit the kids? I know as moms we always put the needs of our children first, but sometimes in order to be a good mom, we need to think of whats good for us too and if being near your family will help you financially and emotionally it may be the best for you and your kids.

I wish you the best!!

M.

1 mom found this helpful

Is this a "boyfriend" or "Husband" that is now your Ex?
The laws per child custody and child support may very well depend on that.

1) You should get a lawyer and figure this out jointly.
if not, there will be problems down the road, no matter how "nice" the intentions may be. You need to protect yourself financially AND your children. Think about the future....

2) if you don't have anything legally binding as far as child support and custody "rules"... then you are on shaky ground and things will be willy-nilly and stressful. This is what happened to my friend. She is now at the mercy of whatever "mood" her Ex is in, and whatever his "demands" are. And she has no legal recourse, as he will not comply. Her Ex doesn't even tell her where he lives nor gives her his phone number or address. BUT, he comes once a month to take the kids with him or to visit them. THIS is a terrible situation.

3) it seems your Ex IS supportive... and loves his children. Good. BUT... I would not "expect" his "promise" of "support" (monetarily or as a 'Dad'), until he actually DOES it. Talk is nice for now... but you should not expect his actions, until he actually DOES it... and what if he changes his mind once he gets a new girlfriend or job or anything? .... things change in life.... and this will directly affect YOU and your children. Think about your future security....

4) He probably does not want you to move out of State with the kids... because after all, then he will NOT be able to see them or spend time with them. He is their Dad. He will miss them. Imagine, if you were without your kids... and they were in another State? Wouldn't that just be heartbreaking for you??? I am assuming that this is the case with your Ex.

5) Does your in-laws live in the same State as you are living now???? How is that relationship? Any negative/harmful things associated with them or upon yourself?

6)What if your Ex wants to take your kids across State lines, for a trip, for whatever reason? HOW WILL YOU decide if this can or cannot be done????

7) Aside from all that, you need to think about your kids and HOW THEY will cope from all this? You and Daddy will no longer be living together... the kids WILL be affected by it. You need to be sure your kids are adjusting normally... and are stable and "happy." PLEASE make sure you take extra care in observing your kids and noting how they are handling the separation. If they are suffering in any way from it, you need to make sure it is addressed. AND, their Daddy needs to make sure about their mental and emotional well-being as well.

ALL the best to you... I know, this is very hard.... I really commend you for trying your best. But think logically.... you need to make sure you are covered financially and custody wise, AND that your children will have what they need.

take care,
Susan

1 mom found this helpful

I say, do what's best for you and your kids and make arrangements for their father to see them on vacations and summers!!! But staying somewhere and struggling compared to having family and things being easier sounds much better!!!

Good Luck!!!!!!!!

Check out the low-income apartments in nice areas like Carlsbad/Aviara, Rancho Carillo, etc. Normal people life there that just don't make enough for CA. If you do not make the right amount, you could move into those apts. They are pretty nice. I have friends that the wife is going to school and the father is a stay-at-home dad and they definitely qualify because she doesn't make enough with her current job. Third, check out Smart Start Preschool in Cardiff by the Sea off of Birmingham. They are super reasonable! My 3 year old goes there and we pay $624 a month. When she turns 4 years it will drop more. A one year old will be a bit more but really not that much more. I'm sorry for your predicament. If he will help you out more, than take him up on it. I don't think it would be fair to move out of state and him not coming too. He is the father and it doesn't seem like him being the dad was the issue. The children need a father around even if you are not together. As long as he good to the kids.

Sounds like you have a really tough situation. Maybe find another single mom and share a house? Drive slower (try to stay under 2000 rpm -saves me lots of gas) and keep the air filter clean, tire pressure right, use a good fuel treatment with the gas every now and then, only fill up half a tank at a time becuz the extra weight of a full tank burns more gas. Try getting some advice from Suze Ormann (I think that's how you spell it). She is excellent at helping women figure out finances, does TV shows, seminars, books, DVD's. You can find some things at the library, I'm sure. I live on disability with two kids (I have lupus and kidney failure), and I've found help with food, medical, housing, childcare, etc. You just have to be really resourceful. You can call 211 to find resources. You can get discounts on your phone and SDGE for being low income, the kids can get free lunch/breakfast when they get in school, etc. Someone else mentioned the low income housing, and I've seen those places and they are nice complexes. You can find info online.

I tried to leave the state with my kids several years ago, for the same reasons. I have left several times before and always ended up back here. Each time I tried to leave and couldn't, it turned out there were SO many reasons that I should have stayed here, but I couldn't see them at that time. Maybe you shouldn't leave.

You really need to go to the department of Child Support Services in your area and get a case started so that you KNOW you are getting the right help from their father, and it doesn't become a problem between the two of you. When there is a breakup it is best to leave some things to third parties to keep the conflict down, for the kids sake.

I think it'd be best to speak to a custody lawyer to find out your rights. When my stepdaughters mom wanted to move out of state when the girls were in their early teens (and probably by law could choose one home to stay in, although both parents had joint custody) we found out that she needed a court order awarding her full custody to allow her to move them out of California. She could move, but she couldn't take them. She stayed til they graduated high school and both girls chose to stay local. They lived at each house half time from preschool age til they moved in with dad at 18. (and they are very close with their mom, it wasn't a snub to her)

I agree that when things get tough you'll likely not be able to count on your ex to take care of everyone even with his best intentions. You'll probably have to work full tiime. I moved this past year, scared of being on my own, and found a nice 2 bedroom place under rent control in an older building. It was more than I was paying, but my utilities have been cheap, I saved a 40 mile commute, and I know my rent won't skyrocket. You'll have to find a place you can afford and find a way to pay for it.

If you stay in the area, your children will have (and you should hold him to this) TWO parents. Not just the guy that sends the check, but the guy that raises his kids. He will have to step up and raise them half time which will open up some time for you to be able to work more. Even if you live apart you can share the responsibilities of costs, duties and responsibilities of getting kids to and from school and activities, etc. Will you have the help of your 19 yr old when college is out of session? Can you take turns with another mom watching each other's kids while you work? (The YMCA has some very inexpensive fun summer camp programs, as you kids get a little older.) What is your network of woman friends in this area, how can that resource help you?

Just separating is a big move and overwhelming in itself. My advice is for you and your children not to change everything right now. They'll need dad in their lives to adapt (and always), and the two of you need to transition to a co-parent/friend relationship. If he totally dead-beats on you, you still have the option of suing for full custody and moving to your folks. (and maybe family can still help you get on your feet here??) There's nothing more rewarding than finding a way to take care of yourself -- and while he's around your children have two parents to take care of them. You'll both have to find a new way to divide your duties. (my bf parented his daughters weekends while his wife worked as a nurse. she was home during the week while he worked.)

I hope your move becomes less overwhelming.

If you are not married can't you just go? See a lawyer, are the birth certificates in order with his name on them? If there was not enough commitment to get married and stay together will he continue to stay commited to the children?

You know what, I am pretty much going through the same thing. The most important thing is that your children are taken care of the best way possible, maybe split custody if you do decide to move out of town. Or if he wont let you move away for extra help then tell him to try taking care of the kids by himself and see how well he does. And try praying and asking God to guide you .

Hello there! I just recently went through a divorce and we have a 3 yr old little girl. He was the main source of income which in return made it very hard for me to support myself yet alone our daughter. Well, needless to say he has been able to move out of state with our daughter which saddens me to the extreme. I have always been a big part of her life and now in this divorce and little to no family help I have lost my little girl. So please don't move with your children unless you absolutely have to.

My advice, do what you have to do to stay near their dad. Too many kids grow up not knowing their fathers due to the father "just taking off". If he wants a relationship with them that badly you have to help accommodate it. Yes it's financially stressful. I have lived paycheck to paycheck most of my adult life after kids and it's scary as hell. My mom offered to have me move to Nevada (where it's a LOT cheaper than CA), and I got a really great job offer in AZ, both offers I gave up because it was too far from the kids dad. In my case, he takes them for 2 days every week. I grew up without my dad and didn't want my girls in that same boat. With that said, I am probably going to be moving out of state once they come of the age where they can decide to come along or stay behind and their dad can't say a dam thing about it :) It sucks but it's what you have to do when you share kids with someone else....

why dont you both try marriage counseling, I mean those babies are so young, seperating is the last resort, how sad to break up your family, geeze these days people just divorce to easy, there ought to be a law that say you must go through one yr of marriage counsleing before you can go through a divorce. You think he is going to help you and the kids, where he has barely enough to afford a place, fat chance.. pie crust promises... easy to make easy to break.. if he doesn't care enough to try to make it work, he isnt gonna keep his promise to pay, you watch as soon as he is tight on money guess who gets it last.. not him I would move it is the only way you have to survive.. unless he takes the kids full time and you part time parent

K., one thing that you should do now that you are separated is to get a declaration of paternity from the court. Having his name on the birth certificate is not sufficient for legal purposes. You do not have to do child support orders or custody right now as long as he is paying and you are here. But if he were to, God forbid, have an untimely death your children would not be entitled to his Social Security because you were not married.

I tend to agree with the others who are leaning towards you staying here with your children so that he can continue to be in their lives. Are there grandparents, aunts, uncles around too? Consider the value of family from your children's father who are local that may be there for them (and possibly for you). If he is paying for their support consider yourself luckier than many women out there. If he is involved in their lives, even more so. If that ever changes THEN you can take legal action and have a settled heart knowing that you gave him the chance to step up and do right by them.

To me it depends on what kind of father he is. Basically, your relationship with him, as a partner, is over. Your relationship as parents will never be. Neither will your childrens' relationship with their dad.

My first husband left me when my daughters were 18 months and 2 months. For the first eight years of their lives they saw their dad only when my in laws would take them to him. He moved 600 miles away.

When he grew up and was ready to move back to So. Cal I was trying to survive the death of my own father and moved 12,000 miles away to Europe. I took my daughters with me. Many told me that it was unfair for me to take them so far away now that their dad would finally be nearby. Why shouldn't I move on, why shouldn't they?

We did move. I met my second husband in Spain and married him. He has been a true father to my daughters from day one. We now have two children together and we have moved back to So.Cal because my daughters are in high school.

We actually moved to the same city my ex lives in (because he lives here as well as my younger brother, SIL and two gorgeous nephews). We now live less than two miles away from each other and my ex only see's my kids about once a month!

I have two small children with my husband now. I would never dream of moving far from him and taking a great father away from my children just to make ends meet. I would get a night job, a second job, I'd move in with a friend, get a room mate, live with my ex as a room mate...anything to make sure that my kids have their wonderful dad and that he has them.

It all depends on what kind of parent he is. A great father is worth the hard times and the struggles, a jerk is not.

I'll pray for you. God bless you and your family.

You need a lawyer right now. Try legal aid or call your local county bar association and see if any lawyers do pro bono or reduced fees for you. You need to know your exact legal rights concerning the minor children. Since you were not married the rules may be different then if you were. Good luck.

If you are interested in a business in chinese food herbs, please let me know.

God Bless!

J.
____@____.com

Hello K.. I'm not what exactly it is you are asking, but if it's about moving against his wishes, don't. There can be serious repercussions if you do - take it from someone who knows personally!. If that's not the question, then I'm lost. lol sorry :(

It's interesting reading through the responses; about half say stay, the other half, go. Nearly everyone says talk to a lawyer.

I'd recommend you talk to 2 lawyers, on in CA and one in the state you're thinking of moving to...as laws can be totally different.

Not being married creates some interesting problems. Having just been with a girlfriend to see an attorney in Seattle I can tell you she was told that UNTIL a temporary custody agreement had been filed OR the divorce finalized (whichever came first...she's thinking of moving in-state, but about 8 hours away to be near her family)...she was legally free to do as she saw fit...and whatever custody agreement was reached later would reflect the situation that existed or that she created THEN. Ie, MOVE then file for a custody order. The attorney asked her if she was crossing the state line though, because she'd have to get in contact with a firm there to find out what the local custodial laws were. But that's Washington. Unless you're moving up there...don't rely on what we were told.

One thing I've always been told is that the one real benefit of not being with someone anymore, is not having to worry about them any more!

In this case it would mean that there's no reason you should have to live in poverty, just to not make things difficult for your ex. It sounds like you have an opportunity to go be surrounded by people who love you and your children while at the same time being given a chance to get back up on your feet.

YOU'RE the one who doesn't have a good paying job, and childcare, and etc. etc. etc. You need to do what you need to do to take care of yourself so that you can do the best for your kids. If you think going home for a while or longer is the best thing you can do to get on your feet financially & emotionally DO IT. He can deal. Literally. If he loves his kids and wants to be near them he can bloody well figure out how to solve that problem. If he makes good money in CA, he can probably make good money almost anywhere. He can move. He can fly out. If it's important to him, he'll do it. I would. Not only that, I'm sure if the situation was reversed, you would too. Unless you wanted to jerk him around and punish him and your kids by keeping them in poverty, because it was easier for you.

Do what's best for you. Stay. Go. Whatever your gut tells you is the right thing to do. What feels right. Just don't do what's easiest for him for its own sake. He can live his own life without you looking out for his best interests anymore. Look out for you, and your kids. He can figure out his own.

I would recommend you to find out more of what is best for your family and kids. Especially employment is the most important thing if you don't have employment seek help from the gov't or human resources. At least you will have money and a place to live for you and your kids.

Another option is take the father to court and get sole custody and you can make all the decision for your kid

I am not sure where you live but James Byrnes is really a good attorney he is handling my case right now.

I would consult a lawyer and find out what your rights are.
Good luck

Take the chance in lufe to be happy ! even if you have to work 2 jobs ...
cut down on some stuff - like example - i cut down on facial & massages , canceled on my 24 hour fitness club fee,

Don't be sacred . start with a 1 berdroon by Plams / Mar Vista area

ask your daughther to got o community college - get a part time job to help out ! starbucks or retails.

move forward with life - ! don't look bak
i was married 12 years - divorced almost 3 years.
super happy !

GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO NOW. Without a formal custody order, you are free to do as you wish, but once you get the courts involved, you can be made to stay. I waited to long and if I want to leave now, we have to work it out in court. Cali is so expensive and I am struggling. My family is here, but my friends are elsewhere. So it was hard to just pick up and go. If your family is where you want to be, really, GO NOW! He will find a way to see them. Are more frequent visits with dad a fair trade off for constantly living in poverty. Nope.

Hi K.,

You and your ex-partner might try renting two places in the same complex. One two-bedroom for a parent and the children. One studio or one-bedroom for the other parent. I once heard Ted Nugent explain this was the way he and his wife resolved the post-divorce living arrangements to make it easy on the children (except he was able to buy houses). With a plan like this the parents move instead of the kids having to move. This way the parents have the burden of changing residences. One parent lives with the kids in the two bedroom for a period of time (say a week) then the other parent moves from the studio into the two bedroom and the other parent goes to the studio for a week. Babysitting is cheaper as two parents in the same building are more available to the kids when babysitting needs to be done and both parents are available when good night stories need to be read. The second residence being a studio is cheaper than a second large apartment. It requires the parents find ways to work some things out, but in the end it's much, much easier on the kids and it's cheaper too!
Good luck,
K.

Hello K.,I am so sorry to hear about your personal situation, Would you both be open to counseling?or if you belong to a church, speak to your minister. If all else fails, consult an attorney. Only YOU know your situation, Family does have a special role in times as this, as does close friends, you are blessed. Have FAITH. There is always a solution.
Rev.A. Aldrich