25 answers

Mom Cut Me Out of Her Life

This is hard for me to write about, but I am hoping for some good advice. About 2 weeks ago I wrote my mom an email telling her that it makes me sad and hurts my feelings when she criticizes my 6 year old son. I feel like she is judging me as a parent and it seems like she does not like him very much. What I would like is to be able to tell her about problems I may be having with him instead of holding back bc I feel judged. I sent her 5 links to read about "spirited children" with intense moods and then went on to talk about how he is doing great in school and better in being sensitive to loud noises. I told her that what she said about it being weird that he goes to bed in his clothes for the next day was not helpful and to please not say anything if it is going to be negative. Anyway, she wrote back saying "how sad" that she cannot make comments about her grandchild and that I feel judged. She said she is cutting me out of her life and I will not see her or hear from her again. This was such a blow and not at all what I was expecting. I wrote her apologies for hurting her and said I just wanted her to understand him and be more of a team with me. She wrote one last email saying I am too sensitive and it is not worth a relationship with me. She will not take my phone calls. I am devastated by this. I do think I am sensitive but I'm not a basket case or anything. I believe that mothers and daughters can drive each other crazy and that it is normal to talk about your problems and try to strengthen your relationship. I am so afraid that she means this and really will never talk to me again. She has cut 3 other people out of her life, her sister is one of them.

She has been distant to my son ever since he was 5 and was rude to her. she was watching him while I was in the hospital having my daughter and they had a "fight". He got angry and said mean things to her I guess. I had him apologize when I got home but she has always been cold to him since. She told me she no longer feels useful and welcome in my home. She has since then told me there is something wrong with my son, that she is sorry for me to have a kid like him and other such comments. Many times she only gives her love to my daughter after we are done speaking on the phone. After about a year of this is when I sent her the above mentioned email.

To tell you a bit about my mom: she always wants to be the center of attention. She can be very critical of other people. She seems to have a low self esteem but she is always talking about herself, telling stories of her popularity in high school, and all the things she has done. She is always spending too much money on things. She lives with her alcoholic boyfriend and it's not a very happy home life. She has no friends because she eventually drives people away. Growing older has been hard for her because her looks are very important to her. Before this she has been a doting grandmother and I was hoping our relationship was getting better. I am not ready to not have my mom in my life. Have any of you ever gone through this? Do you have any advice for me?

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

Denise P. hit the nail on the head (narcissism) imho.

My heart goes out to you . . . how painful. Hang in there.

1 mom found this helpful

More Answers

I'm sorry this happened to you.
Check out this website:
www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com
She may be a narcissist.
Best of luck.

10 moms found this helpful

Sounds like she is doing you a favor. Move on - get counseling for yourself if you need it to get over it and move on.
I will bet that if you ignore her "cutting you off" long enough she will come around eventually... sounds to me like it's just another ploy to be the center of attention.
Good luck!

8 moms found this helpful

Manipulation much? Let me hurt you or you're out of my life? Call her bluff and stand your ground. It may take several months, but my guess is it will be less.

"Cutting me out of you life is your choice, and not one that I would want, but I also will not accept your attacks on my son or belittling of myself. I would be very saddened to lose you from my life, but it's ultimately your choice if you would rather cut me out of your life than not be mean to your daughter and grandchild."

8 moms found this helpful

I'm so sorry this happened. This happened to me with my Dad. Sounds like they are very much alike in personalities.

I actually called him and told him how I felt about his constant judging and criticizing my daughter. He would say things right in front of her as if she wasn’t in the room. It hurt me so bad.

He said the same thing to me that if I could not handle his honest opinions then maybe it’s best he cut me out of his life.

Honestly, it was a blessing in disguise. I was really sad for awhile, but then I realized how less stressed I was and how much less I questioned my parenting.

Let her go for awhile. All her negativity cannot be good for you or your son.

5 moms found this helpful

You say you are not ready to not have your mom in your life, but maybe it would be best to give it a month and see what happens.

You were honest with her and you should not apologize for that. Don't back down and let her mistreat your son.

5 moms found this helpful

Your Mom has mental issues... she is not normal.

Go on with your life or she will damage you and your son, permanently. You will NOT ever... be... able.... to... satisfy.... her. Period.
And that is not your job... to please her.
She is mean and Toxic.

4 moms found this helpful

Only your mother knows what is going on in her head. But I will venture to say this - she evidently likes having control over you. Being unloving to your son is a way of having control. And saying the kind of things she has said to you is controlling as well.

If you fall all over yourself to get her to come back into your life, she will know that she can treat you and your son any old way she wants to. Is that what you want for your child?

You might not be ready for her to be out of your life, but the cost of having her in your life, especially if you cannot stand up for your child to keep him from being treated poorly, may be too high. Can you imagine how much worse your son will be when he really understands that your mom doesn't love him, but dotes on his sister? And your daughter could end up feeling terrible about herself because of the favoritism, or be mean to her brother because she is the "favored one".

You mother obviously has mental health problems, CT. As hard as this is, you might try to look at it as a blessing of a hard sort. You cannot "fix" her. But you can accept her not being in your life to damage your son (and daughter). They come before her now.

Good luck,
D.

3 moms found this helpful

Advice - move on and don't look back. Your mother is being childish and pulling a guilt trip on you. Try not to engage in such banter. She will eventually come back around and if she doesn't, you don't need her in your life and especially not your son's life.

3 moms found this helpful

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