Mixing Family & Business..

J., during this stressful time the best you can do is stand by your husband. He seems to be caught in a situation which will force him to go against you or your father-in-law. My advice is to step back and give him permission to handle his father himself. Let him know you believe in him and support his decisions and perhaps offer to find ways that you could suppliment the family income to help your husband through this tough time. This would put you back on his side and the side of your immediate family. Your husband may be more likely to take a stand against his father if he feels like he again has you on his side. Good luck.

J., I don't really have any advice, but I wanted to let you know I understand completely. We have a similar situation, only the business is owned by my brother-in-law and my husband is an employee. I believe my husband is not treated properly as an employee, but because of the familial relationship, he never says anything to his brother. It is very frustrating and every time I try to discuss it with my husband, he gets very angry and you can almost see a wall coming down closing me and the discussion out. I don't know what to do either. For now, I'm keeping my mouth shut and doing the best I can with the hope that some day he will see it and stand up for himself. It's never good to do business with family! All I can say is good luck. I think your situation is maybe a bit harder because your husband may be feeling like this is his dad, so dad is in charge like when he was a kid. I would find it extremely hard to be my parents' "boss." Good luck but don't let it ruin your family. the one thing I have learned in these hard economic times (and we've been hit extremely hard) is that what's important is your family, not where you live or what you have, but just that you're together.

Based on the fact that your husband completely disregarded your initial discussion of including your FIL as a partner in the business, you may want to step back and let whatever is going to happen, happen. This could cause a collapse of your home finances, but it sounds like your husband will argue with you any time to try to have reasonable discussion about his father. Your husband is the one who is going to have to get fed up and make the decision to take action. Fighting with your husband about it is just going to upset the two of you and your children.

What kind of relationship do you have with your MIL? Maybe you could have a heart to heart talk with her about it. My husband works as a flooring installer and when work is slow, we sometimes need a little help to get by. My MIL helps us out financially when we need it. Either with hubby's blessing and at times, without his knowing...we keep it between the two of us. If you have a decent relationship with your MIL...go out to lunch with her without the guys or your children. Let her know what's going on and maybe she can convince your FIL to treat your hubby with respect and as an equal partner. Good luck!

Oh J.,
I read your post & instantly felt for you......
I undertand your need to know what's going on, especially when it affects your finances.You have a right to know if you will be able to cover the bills every month.It is NOT your HUSBANDS business, it is both of your's...and apparently now a FAMILY business. So it should be discussed openly within the family, you have a say too. If not just in protection of yourself but your children too....Now that being said, be VERY cautious how you approach this subject with your husband & his father.
It seems to me that IF your husband started this business himself, with no financial help from them he should be the Chief Financial Officer, or President. This way NO decision can be made without his approval, or signature. Even if they have since "become partners". Did your father in law BUY in to the company? If so, to what extent. An equal partnership? That would mean that your father in law paid your husband, equal to Half of his companies assets. If not, they have no legal rights... to any funds from the business, other than pay for hours worked.Did they agree to an hourly wage for your father in law? Or a monthly percentage of gross sales? Or net sales?
Now the other issue I see is that your husband still lets his Dad control him. Some boys NEVER get over letting their Dad's tell them what to do. It was your husbands business which it sounds like he LET Dad in becasue they were having financial difficulties & had lost employment. Sounds to me like your husband was doing his Dad a FAVOR, & Dad now views it as His son NEEDING his help......
If so, it's a PRIDE issue. Dad can't admit son is more successful, & that he had to go to his son for help?? I see this as being a very good possibility. It may also be why your husband is having trouble standing up to Dad about what's going on. When he was growing up, Dad was ALWAYS in charge. So that dynamic has changed but neither of them has changed to accomadate son telling Dad what to do.
I would sit down write out a letter to your husband. outline your concerns without being judgemental. Just let him now that it is important to you to be apart of whats going on,now that your in laws are involoved. This is in protection of yourself & your child (god forbid anything were to happen).Then step back & let them work it out.
They will eventually work it out, or they won't be able to work together...Your husband will eventually have to stand up to his parents. He invitied them into the business, BUT HE is still THE BOSS! It won't be easy for him....& if you love him you will stand by your man when he needs you...
which is why you posted this in the first place I assume.....I hope this didn't come out rude(sometimes I hate these e-mails, it's hard to write feelings, probably why I have never made it as a writer, LOL)....
I REALLY hope it works out for you. God Bless, L.

J.-

I have to agree with some women here that state just sit back, be supportive, and let your husband handle this. It is a sticky situation. Release your husband to make whatever decisions regarding his father and trust in his abilities. Sometimes when we get too involved they may feel we don't trust that they're capable, especially when we see them stressed everyday. It is hard to tell emotions sometimes and meaning in writing, but I really (trying to be sensitive here) hope you are supportive and not in an "I told you we shouldn't have done this" attitude. Be positive and affirm that you trust him to make the right decisions for your family. He needs to know that no matter what happens, you are there 'for better, for worse'. We own our own business and I have not always agreed with my husband's decisions, but I have always supported him, even when sometimes they don't work out. Good for you for asking for other's opinions! It is wise to see what other's opinions are, to help us move forward in a positive way, and hopefully learn something from their experience.

Take care!
D.

I own my own business, and have had several. My Step-Dad has a very successful business in the Bay area. My Brother-in-law has a very successful business. Anytime that a family member comes to work for one of us, it ends tragically. I havn't spoken to my sister or her family for three years. My Step Dad hasn't spoken to my other bro in law for about 12 years. The two things DONT MIX. Find a way to sever the ties before you really have irreversible family problems. Could you offer to buy him out? or just suggest opening a second "branch" of the business for one of them to run?

I would be honest though. tell them your concerns, tell them you are worried for the sake of the family, and tell them yu want to seperate things before it becomes a problem. Do not hesitate to speak your mind because I have learned the hard way, you will always wish you had just been forward and honest from the start of the problems.

Hi J.,
I too feel the same way. My husband and I turn his business into a partnership so that we could get health insurance without me having to be on payroll. (I should have just went and got a job!) So now that we have this partnership, I feel overwhelmed with doing business stuff that I don't know or understand and when I ask him for help he just blows it off. Recently he has been trying to get his brother-in-law involved in the business and I am so afraid that it will be a BIG mistake. Our business is draining on finances and in the Winter time it is oh so stressful. He has had this business for 10 years and every year it gets deeper in the hole and our income has dwindled to :zero". Our marriage sucks because of it. We can't afford to buy a house, so we live in a trailer in the back of our business. I feel like I can never get away. We also raise a 3 year old daughter. And I feel she deserves so much more than this. Iwould like to be able to put her in a private school. So it looks like I will have to be the adult and make the decision to go back to work.

I really think we women need the strong support of others in order to stand our ground. My sister-in-law wants me to come up with 3 different business plans to give to my husband and then pick one or disolve the partnership. I would like to do that, but I don't know how to write a business plan and I have no desire to be in this business.

I really feel that mising family and business is a bad idea from the get go.

J.,

As everyone has posted.. we are sorry to hear of the stress and trouble this is causing. That said... I am a FIRM believer that IF IT affects YOU and your family.. IT"S YOUR BUSINESS.

How about listing on paper some of the issues there are and offering possible solutions. Talk this over with your husband. I also agree that if you/your husband put in the $$ and time to establish the business and the father has "assumed" this new authoritative role, it is time to have a discussion with him. Obviously you wouldn't want to say .. um the decisions you are making are destroying my family.. but somehow you have to tell him how his decisions are in fact affecting your family..

Good luck.

Hi J.!

I am so sorry that this has turned in a negative direction for you and your family. Financial struggles are difficult enough, but then to add the mix of a "family" business, it can result in ruining relationships with those you love.

My opinion is to try to calmly speak to your husband about about having talk to your F-I-L. Telling him that he appreciates all that he brought into the business, however, he feels as though he has distanced himself too far away from the decision making process and needs to "reclaim it" to ensure that the success of the business remains. Your F-I-L needs to know that you and your husband want to make sure that if the business begins to struggle, that the blame lays soley on your husband, and elimiantes your F-I-L from any wrong-doing. To me, that sounds like the only way to keep the relationship going between all of you.

In the end, your husband is trying to do the right thing, and most important part in life is the relationships that we have with our families without "business".

My mom and I were business partners for over 20 years. We were successful because we respected eachothers part of the business and was able to seperate business from famliy matters. This was not easy, and I don't think all families can do this.

The phrase "it's just business" should come into play with your husband and Father-In-Law.

Good Luck, J.. I hope your husband can be strong enough, soon enough, to approach your F-I-L.

~N. :O)

J., I feel for you. I lived through this as well. Keep supporting your husband. Then calmly talk with him, were things this bad before the FIL joined in? That is a business fact, not a personal criticism. My husband and his dad started a business together and after 3 years of little to no income, we had another baby coming and he told his dad he was leaving to go back to his old job, mostly for the health benefits, but also beacuse we couldn't do it anymore. They even put my name as an owner, To take advantage of the look of having a female business partner, but we had no say in anything.
Invetigate the business facts, how things were before compared to now. Assure you husband of how proud you are of his accomplishments, with out critisizing his not standing up to dad. If they are both equally finacially investsed, then they should have equal say. Present the dad with the documentation, and tell him that the familys should have equal say. Let your husband handle the meeting or have a accountant or advisor help. If Dad did not invest, then your husband needs to find a way to set things strait. It is a huge stress on Both of you. I lived through this and it was one of our touhgest times. My Father in Law was a wonderful man and my husband loves and respects him, but we finally had to walk away. It was hard for a while, but with separating the work aspect in our lives, even our family time was better.
I am sure things will work out, but speak up and encuorage your husband as positively as possible. He may feel loyalty to Dad, but right now his Priority is his family with you . Best of luck to you and feel free to ask for help!

That sounds so stressful! Having our own business I can only imagine how this would feel. I think you got some good advice...but I can tell you I know I would not be able to follow it...this is your life & our family's (you, hubby & son) future you are talking about!

It seems you should be able to find some kind of professional advice here that may be able to step in & make decisions that is best for all concerned...someone who is not family & will be unbiased. Maybe a tax person/bookkeeper/counselor/therapist??? I think that is what i would do.

Best of luck to you, I hope this works out soon.

My personal opinion is that you should stay out of it. I work with my mother, and things get quite heated at sometimes. But no matter what I love my Mom. I think that if he brings it up you should just be a good listening ear. If he asks you for your opinion then give it to him. Other than that, you should keep your mouth shut! He will figure it out, and him having the added stress that you hate his parents or feel ill towards them isn't helping. If you go to family activities, just act as if you know nothing. Another thing that might help your relationship with your husband is to maybe just sit down and have a talk with him and say "I know that I have complained and put a lot of stress on you about the business, and I apologize. I TRUST YOU AND KNOW THAT YOU WILL MAKE DECISIONS THAT WILL BE BEST FOR OUR FAMILY, and I will not bring it up anymore. If you need to vent, you can always come to me." and leave it at that. Just my opinion. Hope things work out well for you guys.

Wow this is really hard, On one hand your husband is a great guy for helping his parents out, but he has to somehow deal with being his father's boss and that clearly did not work. I understand you are concerned about your family's financial future. If it were me I would want the father-in-law out of the business, but I don't know how you do that. If your husband will not stand up to his father, I don't think you can make him. I would not put your relationship at risk by fighting with your husband over the matter. It can't be a nice home for your son with all that unhappiness, Can you take a time out from talking about it for a couple of weeks, let things cool down and enjoy your husband and family. Be super nice to him, (read dr. Laura's care and feeding of husbands) If things don't improve, try a new approach, sit down with your husband and talk it out with him, He is trying to help his father and his family but his father is treating him like a kid and walking all over him. You and your husband have to put your marriage and family first, his parents have have to be second. Your husbands obligation is to you and your son, NOT his Father. but I think he is going to need to feel like you are on his side before he can stand up to dad. Good Luck
J.

Greetings J.: I am sorry that this has not worked out and is a crisis for your family. We have had several times over the years seen this within our extended family.
Bringing the problem up with out a solution doesn't help. Think clearly about what your personal goals were for the business and what the expectations were of having the Father, come into the business. I am guessing that none of you had a written plan or contract, - that always causes problems. But it is not to late to write one up. Did the father invest cash and at a large rate? Is your husband forgetting that he is the CEO of His company not the son of a partner?? We have had family members not able to be in the same room or people who have caused so many money problems for one another that it is heartbreaking. I can only say that NOW isthe time to seperate business things and family things. Maybe once a clear business plan is set forth and all rolls are laid out and goals set you will see a change.
For example: My cousin, has a very good business; he hired his Father & 1 brother as employees along with several other people. When one of them tried taking over the Boss- had a meeting with everyone there and made it plain what the business roles were and they do not discuss business at family gatherings. He made charts of His business goals and posted it so they could be apart of a growing business or not. Eventually one became a business partner and it was still clear who was in control although they had specific areas of the work to be responsible for . I can say that it has not always been easy but they stopped alot of problems that could have happened.
We have also had it all turn to dust in another family business and everyone loose everything because of poor business plans and to many people thinking they were manking money decisions that went bad.
It is your responsibility to care for your own family first and see that your needs are met, then to take on the wants/needs of others. It is great that he wanted to help his parents and to honor them in that way but you can't cause your own family hurt by it. This man is also the Grandfather to your child and needs to remember to keep a relationship with the child no matter how the business side turns out. Good Luck and Keep us posted as a sounding board. Nana G

Unfortunately, I think you'll have to say your peace and then let your husband come to his own conclusions. I imagine he knows the situation needs to change but he's dealing with his parents and so he's sort of stuck between a rock and a hard place. Be careful how you word things. Avoid "You're letting X happen" or "You're not..." Try to keep it to how you're feeling about it, what you're seeing. "I'm afraid if things continue as they are, the relationships in our family will suffer." That's not the best either...but you get the idea. Tread lightly. If he's like my husband, you bruise his ego or make him feel like he's failing as a provider and he shuts down. Let him know you appreciate his wanting to take care of *all* of his family and it may temper the rest of the conversation that won't be so pleasant to hear.

Since it's business, it needs to be looked at completely without emotion. Is what's happening best for the life of the business? Are your husband and father-in-law 50/50 partners or is your FIL an employee? It sounds like a reevaluation of those little details of daily business functioning need to be looked at in finer detail. I would think there are a lot of things one wouldn't really think of until they come up. Especially after running a business by yourself for 6 years. There are probably many things that happen almost subconsciously and now there's someone else involved.

Good luck!

Sadly the old addage, never do business with family or friends is quite true in most cases. We brought my husband's Dad into our first business and lived to regret it. This was my husband's brilliant idea, and yes we argued about it some. I realized quickly that the relationship I had with my husband, and my marriage were most important to me, so took a "back seat" approach to stop our fighting. It took 5 years, but my husband finally said enough and "fired" his Dad. During this time, I became again the person he could come to to talk about what was going on and what to do. It was in those moments, without anger, I could express my opinion and he would listen. In our case we were incorporated, so it cost us many thousands of dollars to buy him out (you can't just fire a partner). We also endured many years (still do at times) of comments from other family members, who were told by my mother-in-law that we took advantage of them financially and never paid them what they were due. While I kept comments to myself about the partnership, I have been quite forthright when confronted by nasty comments from other family members. We in fact paid his parents back the amount they initially invested AND the 100% interest they demanded in a buy out. A demand that we could have reported as a Rico violation and highly illegal. It's taken 10+ years, but the fallout has finally settled.
My advice to you is to let your husband deal with this. Be supportive. Be the one he can talk to calmly when things get rough. Most men do not like confrontation, but at some point your husband will probably realize he has to stand up for himself and the business he's built or he will lose it all. I wish you the best of luck and hope everything works out well for you in the end.

i have learned, through trial and error, that if i stop fighting, come up with a good solution, and then leave my husband to stew in it for a while, so that he can see there really is a problem, rather than an overreaction on my part, he tends to resolve the issue in exactly the way i suggested, though by then he feels it is his own idea.... something i encourage, but i sometimes really just want to say "i told you so!" it feels like giving up, but the fighting adds so much more stress to an already stressful situation. i clean and cook with more flare and generally make homelife as pleasant as possible during the "thinking process" as i call it, so he can tell that i'm on his side, supporting the sound decision he is going to make for our family. " behind every great man..."

You should never mix family and business as you are seeing the results of that. It is probable that he will lose the business in the near furure if he does not rel;enquish the control from his father. You have to step in and do what you can to save your home. This is youyr livelihood as well as your childs. If he wont do it then you may have to.

I know it is very hard to sit back and say nothing when you think your husband needs guidance. However, from experience I can tell you that constant guidance (how we see it) and criticism/dominance and disrespect(how they see it) can REALLY hurt your relationship and create resentment and anger in him. Men are very different from women, in that women want to "talk" when things are bad in the relationship whereas men will clam up and swallow bad feelings until they build to a point of disaster. (divorce).

Men need to feel like they are in charge of the household decisions. God granted them that authority and put them as head of the household. There are times when we can help them in desision making, but we have to step very carefully!Usually it is wise to just go along for the ride. We can petition them and make suggestions,and if we are wise, respectful, (keyword here) and have done our homework ...we can usually sway a decision. But if you get into a heated argument or confrontation about HIS earnings/job, you are stepping into bad and dangerous territory and really, once the voices are raised you have lost all influence.

Remember, God designed you as his helpmeet. Here is a wonderful book that can help you to be the best support for your husband that you can and help yourself at the same time: "Sacred Influence, what a man needs from his wife to be the husband she wants" by Gary Tomas. It worked for me.
Good luck,
Gail
"A wife of noble character is her husbands crown"
- proverbs 12:4

J.,

My heart goes out to you. I was in a very similar situation and we are still paying for it. I know how frustrating this is for you. I do not know your religious beliefs but my answer was prayer. I can't tell you how much I prayed about the situation because as with you, it was affecting our marriage. The main difference in our stories is it was my husband's best friend vs your father in-law. That in itself, says you won't be able to keep bringing it up. It's his father. He will want to do for him whatever he can. Maybe I am wrong, but being that it's his father, if you continue pushing the issue you may be the one on the losing side. I spoke my mind here and there when I couldn't take "another betrayal" from the friend but in the end, it wasn't anything I said but rather God allowing my husband to get burned enough that he finally said "ENOUGH." He is still friends with the guy (which irritates me to no end) but at least he doesn't work with him any longer so we can't lose anymore money. He sees it now and beats himself up for getting himself into that situation but it was something he had to learn on his own. I had many days of venting to my Lord and asking him to do something because I couldn't take it anymore. It was so hard not to attack my husband each day about his decisions but it seemed that each Sunday, the pastor's sermon was directed to my husband. It was a slow and very painful process but my husband finally saw the light. Hang in there. I am sure inside he is beating himself up but doesn't know how to get out of the situation. It has to be hard for him working with his father. I would think he stepped into the son role vs the employer. I wish I had some really wise words to give you that would remedy your whole situation but I do not. I have to tell you J., I do not know how we would have made it through our "journey" if I didn't have God to go to(again, I literally vented everyday to HIM). So if you believe-- pray, pray, pray and ask him to show your husband how to get out of the situation and to guide your words when you speak to your husband. Take care of yourself and your little boy. Enjoy these days with him- they will be gone before you know it, and let your husband "figure out" how to remedy the situation on his own(unless he asks for ideas.I will be praying for you during this trying time.

I would try very hard to stay low key on this issue. There is a human nature tendency that when we feel shameful about something we automatically look for someone to blame. I am sure that this is where your husband is at so each time you try to talk about the issue these other conflicts crop up for no reason other than its just human nature. Do what you can to stand by him and support him when he is ready. He already has one family member trying to run his business he doesn't want to feel like you are doing the same.