Missing Mom Before She's Gone.

I just have to say, it is completely inappropriate for someone to judge your life based on your request and immediately jump to the conclusion that their 'situation' is worse than yours.
Each person's situation is the worst to themselves, as they are the ones experiencing it.
Not to mention, the 1st responder doesn't seem to have much heart, so....maybe they should limit their responses to being more positive, hmmm?

I was raised by my grandparents, and have spent thousands of hours around the senior community so though I will attest to the energy level waning as people grow older, that doesn't mean the love for their children and grandchildren does.

My in-laws practically break down the doors to get a chance to be with their grandchild (often, annoyingly so) simply because they want to.

I get that having 8 kids running around would drain your mother. I get that she might be most comfortable in her own bed, in her own house. What I don't get is why it wouldn't be important for her at least move closer to the family...if not for her grandchildren, then for her daughter.
In the end, if you don't have family, then what do you have?

You have every right to feel hurt by your mothers disinterest, and I'm so sorry to hear about your third child. I can't even imagine how hard that must have been.

You can't force your mother to see things your way, you can only accept her decision and move forward.
Best of luck to you!

2 moms found this helpful

Dear D., As an eighty year old myself I certainly understand how your mother feels. You have eight children and teach piano and voice, what a busy household you must have and I applaud your energy. I am now getting forgetful, too much confusion in my life upsets me greatly such as a houseful of family even for a couple of hours. We used to be so much better and that's probably what you remember about your mother. I could balance six things in the air at once and never drop one, but there is no way I can multi-task any longer. I need peace and quiet and it isn't that I'm selfish, it's life preserving. We are on the edge of hoping we aren't losing our sanity and our quiet moments are cherished so we can play catch-up with the actions of the day. Your mother loves you but you have chosen a life that she knows she can't fit into at this time. Please don't be hard on her, she doesn't want to be the brunt of cruel remarks by her grandchildren because to others she knows her actions are at time laughable. Let her do what she feels comfortable with and just love her for who she's become and who she is. L.

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Hi D....

I understand your pain....My own parents "flew the coop" as soon as my brothers and I were raised and enjoyed traveling...would blow into town now and again for a visit...They were never the Grandparents I imagined in my head...when I was growing up I saw both sets of grandparents every week...some how I thought that was the model for how life was...My parents love my children but do not want to spend time with them..even as grown adults, its OK for them to go for a short visit...but there is no real connection...and as their babies arrive...there seems to be no connection or specialness...I can't totally figure it out....My parents have been very supportive...by phone...but never since I have been grown in any kind of long term living close to each other kind of way...When they got really ill a few years back...I went to seven months to tend them...it's just weird...I have no pearls of wisdom...You just have to find your own peace with it....I have sometimes thought that my parents are the way they are because I lost my first born at four months old...maybe that was to much pain for my parents and the only way for them to survive is to stay detached...

My heart to yours,
T.

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Hello, I just wanted to say each and every day we are given is a chance for understanding and healing between us and those we love. It sounds like both you and your mom may be hurting in your relationship. My mom is eighty-one, and her heart is very connected with our family, but her body deals with several health issues, and I want her to be with us as long as possible. We connect through bi-weekly phone calls, or more often, E-mail, visits as able. We usually go to our parents, but they have come our way a few times. What ever way you connect, the love gets passed on to each other, and your children will model what they see as they grow up, and you age. So if you can forgive her, and ask God to open your heart even when you wish she saw things differently, you and your family will have more peace of mind.We can not put into someone else's bank account( emotional) what is not there. We can only continue to love, and ask for greater wisdom from a Father who loves us more than we understand. I pray your relationship grows. Having parents in their 80's is a major blessing. A.

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Your mom, at 84, is quite elderly, and I suspect, set in her ways. Often-times as people get older, they need the security of the familiar, and are less and less comfortable going places, doing things outside of their routine. They want to eat food they're used to, sit in the same place on the same sofa or chair, watch their same TV shows at the same time each day, and very much, sleep in their own beds. My parents raised 6 children, and by the time I got around to having my kids, they were getting older and were not too keen on the idea of babysitting their 7th and 9th grandkids. They'd spent a good chunk of their lives raising us, had the excitement of grandkids from my other brothers' and sister' families, and were looking to spend quiet time with each other, just doing their routine things together. I'm sure your mother loves her grandkids but she's getting older and needs her peace and quiet and routine. It's just a fact of a lot of people's lives. Hopefully you're able to meet her for some quiet adult time, the two of you out to lunch or a movie, or just tea and a chat from time to time. She may also be more willing to have visits with the older grandkids included in get-togethers, if you're able to find someone to watch the little guys. A dress-up out for tea and a light lunch, for example, would be a great photo op with her and the older kids as well. Best of luck and hugs to you!

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I think the other people who posted responses have very good ideas. At 84 your mother may very well not be up for visits that may be very taxing to her. With a full house of 8 kids, even I'd be tired out and I'm less than half her age! The drive alone may be impossible for her, even if she still has her driver's license. At about your mom's age, my grandmother began staying home more and avoided even going to the grocery store as she was afraid of getting in an accident, which eventually she did (luckily no one was hurt). Even if she's not the one driving, it just might be too tiring and uncomfortable to sit in the car. My grandmother also began to experience some signs of age-related dementia, which made it very unsettling and even distressing for her to be out of her routine. She began to forget who some of her family members were, especially those who were newer to the family, like my husband and children. I would definitely talk to her, and to your brother, to see if there's anything you can do to make visits easier. If there was some event or situation that happened between the two of you then you can try to work it out. But, it might not be anything that anyone did or said. I'd also talk to your brother about finding a house for them that's closer to you. But, if by living closer to you it means your brother can no longer be in the house with your mom, then it's understandable that she would want to stay where she can have live-in help. She may also fear that you might not have time to help her if she moves closer -- with 8 kids you have your hands full. I'd suggest driving up to see her for visits, maybe with only one or two kids to begin with, and keep the visit on the short side. At 84 I think the bottom line is that she might be more ready for help for her, rather than her helping out with a houseful of kiddos. I'd also like to have the kind of sweet granny situation you are talking about, but even my 60 year-old mother has her limits on what she can do to help with our two toddlers. At the least I would try tell her how much you love her and how much you and the kids would love to see her, in whatever way is easiest for her. Best of luck!

1 mom found this helpful

D. I'm so sorry. I can see why you would feel so bad about this. Sounds like mom just doesn't get it. My grandmother is 81 and even when she's around the kids she's busy doing dishes or cleaning the house instead of playing with or talking to them. Seems like such a waste. Have you discussed it with your brother to get his input? I really am sorry, sounds like you are a great mom and definitely have your hands full. Take care, C.

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Hi D.... we have some things in common. My mom is a few years younger than yours, but is definitely aging more quickly in the last couple of years. First, let me tell you that my heart goes out to you and I'm so sorry your heart is hurting from all of this - especially losing a child. I can't think of anything more painful than what you're experiencing.

My mom and I have always had a good relationship. But I was very surprised when I had my youngest girls, who are 18 months apart, and she wasn't willing to help me with both of them at the same time. She tired easily from the minute my youngest was born, wouldn't ever come to my house to help with the kids and anytime she did keep them at her house, she put strict limitations on how long I could leave them with her. I really felt like she didn't enjoy them and it hurt me to think that she felt that way. We have 3 girls, and though they're energetic and vocal, they're wonderfully entertaining and well behaved.

My youngest is now almost 10. I thought things would change as they got older and needed less physical care, but she's gotten older, too. She still acts exhausted after spending only 2 hours with the girls.

I'm still coming to terms with the fact that though she loves the children very much, she would rather hear about them and spend time with them when I'm there to do the parenting than actually be responsible for them.

I've had to accept what I cannot understand... and though I've felt a sense of abandonment at times, I realize that I have to choose to appreciate her for who she is and not expect her to be involved in ways she is not cut out for.

It's tough - especially when we lost two babies by miscarriage and I had complications in my last two pregnancies... and sometimes it felt like she was there only when she found it convenient to be.

There's something that I will always remember about her, though. Her own mother had some character traits that weren't so lovely... but she NEVER let on that she felt that way. She always spoke with dignity and respect about her mom, and that allowed me to love her like every child should love a Grandma. She never let me hear anything negative at all, so I didn't know until I was an adult (and old enough to rationalize that every human has character flaws) that Grandma was anything less than wonderful. She would tell me she wished that Granmda lived closer so she could see me growing up into a little lady... and so on. But she never let me in on the negative side of things that I just wouldn't have understood as a child.

So, for what it's worth - there's my advice. I'm so sorry your heart is hurting when you need your mom most - and I can only hope and pray that if she doesn't step up to the plate you can find forgiveness in your heart towards her (since the bitterness will really only hurt you) and that you'll find comfort and solace in a true friend that can fill the hole left by the relationship you don't have with your mom. Sometimes, we simply have to lower our expectations to find peace in a relationship.

Hugs to you... hang in there - not all of us turn out exactly like our mothers, despite what they say. Focus on the positive things about her. She won't be around forever, as you well know. We can (and I believe we will, if we set our minds to it!) be stronger from generation to generation.

Blessings,

M.

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D.,

I am so sorry for your pain. It sounds like you've been dealing with this emotional issue for a long time. Have you EVER had any conversation with your mom to put the "third baby" thing to rest?

In your posting, you still sound a little angry that your mom wasn't there for you, which in turn was the REASON why you lost your baby. Maybe your mom believes that YOU think her absence is the reason you lost the baby. Maybe this is somethinng she can't live with, so has chosen to keep away all these years. I mean, it's not her fault, right?

At 84 years old, it's time the family/you go to her. Even if it's just a weekly visit on your part. You need to put forth the effort for closure. You will feel so much better if you take her to her hair appointment, or pedicures, or something........I'm not saying you need to "spill the beans" on the whole issue, because I would avoid it, (at least for the first few visits). It sounds like you need to "feel better' about things, and I believe that this is the way to do it.....

Your relationship was great before your kids, it can be great again. I believe in that.

Blessing to you
:o) N.

1 mom found this helpful

Oh D.,
I truly understand what you are feeling and where you are coming from. We have just one child and it is my Mom's ONLY grandchild. Mom lives only 10 miles away in a semi-assisted apartment (pull chains in the bedroom and bath and a system to let the managers know she is okay) and does not drive. Even though we have always invited her, offerred transportation, paid her overdue bills, etc. She has missed our daughter's Baptism, School Plays and Awards, Birthdays, Softball Games - you name it, she has missed it. Mostly because she cancels the day of the event.
With our faith, after praying about it all, we realized she is who she is and we can't change her. And we aren't even mad at her (frustrated - oh yes!), but not mad. We have to accept her as the person she is.
We did stop telling our daughter she was coming to any event a long time ago (our Katie is now 13). This avoids disappointment. When Katie would ask if Grandma would be there, we just said we did not know. And reassured her that her Grandma loved her. That is all you can do. And it stinks,
but stop beating yourself up over it. Your Mom has made her choice of who she is comfortable with and you need to accept that for your own good and your children's. Find another close friend of yours - a Grandma type person to be the children's doting, loving Grandma, as well as a Mom to you. Hope this helps, Patti B

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Going from my own experience you can never force someone to see what they are missing. I've noticed that a lot of parents tend to set their independent children on a higher stool and don't think that they may need some attention too. My mom lives in Tenn. and she only see's now what she is missing when she see's my kids once a year. But my mother in law lives 10 minutes up the road and we only see each other once a week or we can go 2-3 weeks without seeing each other. We moved closer to be with her because she always put her "other" grandchildren before ours. Her son being the "independent one" and didn't need her help. Their was a lot of hurt feeling there, but now that I am not even trying to give her a relationship with my children, she is trying harder then ever to have one (it helps that she see's my kids being closer with my mom (tennessee) then her (jealousy)) Good luck and try to set her aside and see if she comes around.

D.

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Dear D.,

Bless your heart. That is hard. Not that at eightyfour your mom could really be a help but to be close to your kids is something she should want. I mean at least to say hello and watch them grow. Did something else happen. Is she totally healthy?

My mom loved children and cared for her grandchildren but I think it got harder as she aged. Especially when she once became legal guardian of one of the teenagers.

She is gone now and I adopted my son late in life so she never saw him. I also foster kids but guess where? In Budapest Hungary as a missionary. I have been here for fifteen years and my mom has been gone since I got married at forty or ten years.

Is there any way you can come right out and ask her why she doesnt want to move closer to you or spend time with your family. Can you go back to some unsolved difference of opinion? Something said in your grief or even something she experienced separate to you?

I mean if you had had a good relationship until a certain point then surely something specific triggered a difference. My mom's generation tended to keep things in and not work them out which I couldnt bear doing.

Something to think about. Write me if you like. My little five and one half year old would love to learn piano. Too bad we dont live close!!

All the best,
P.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi D. sorry to tell you but you need to forget her and just enjoy those great kids of your.Unfortunitely some people are like that and there is nothing we can do to change them.It's her loss.Good Luck Celi E.

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People at that age have their agenda figured out. I would say stop trying to make her be a part of something that she has already decided she does not want to be a part of. It is not as important to her as it is to you and the children, and it is hardest for them. I don't mean to sound harsh but if she wanted to be a part of everything you could not keep her away. Sometimes you have to let go and realize that what happens in life is not what you wanted or what you would have done but you still love that person for who they are. It is never easy, and I don't mean to make it sound like it would be. Maybe she will never understand. But you will be able to teach your children something that is hard for you (me) and everyone to learn; sometimes the people you loves so much don't "pick" you. Your children are lucky to have a Mom that cares about her Mom and them. Keep up the good work!

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D.
I sent you a great response, and it got deleted. So I'm goin to shorten the whole deal. I was adopted and went thru a lot of issues around abandonmet. It carried over into my relationships with men; the type of men I chose were never really quite there for me.
I got this book called The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. I suggest you read it.
We are powerless over the way our mother (or anyone for that matter) responds, acts, or feels etc. so all one can do it take responsibility for their own lives and issues. I used a lot of blame, guilt, and anger to cover my abandonment issues, and eventually went to drugs to cover up the black hole inside.
I am clean/sober now and was fortunate enough to learn a lot about myself, and how I placed blame on my mother for not being the kind of mom I thought I should have.
There is a lot more I could tell you, but I won't bore you with personal stuff.
I hope the book helps with the feelings around your mom, its helped me so far. My birth mom is 78 and in Fla. so I have those feelings of wanting to complete the cycle before she is no longer with me.
I might add that I nanny twin 3 yr. old girs, as well as another 3 yr. old and her 8 month old sister. Its a job that I love, and can be quite draining at times. I'm 56 and very physically fit.
Your mom is 84. I don't think I could spend a whole lot of time in a house with 8 kids. That's LOT of energy. As we age we tend to lean more to R&R.... so don't take it too personally. Just try as best as you can to understand her, forgive if you need to and love your kids and most of all yourself.
Belive me there may come a day when your children will also say that mom is just not there for them either. The cycle somehow seem to replay, in one way or another.
Best of luck with your wonderful family. I salut you. I could't do that!!!!

____@____.com

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Time to adopt a Granny who is wanting to connect with 8 wonderful kids. Or maybe you already have one in your group? I am just guessing in relation to my mother who is that age plus that you get to a certain age and if kids were not your joy when you were younger, at this age you don't want to be about the fuss and noise. Not a reflection on you, just a choice your Mom has made. So go find your own joy and find a delightful Granny that can relate to your kids.
Good Luck,
Gale

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I know how you feel. When you get older, you don't have the energy to get around. My mom is 62, but she hasn't been apart of my life throughout my childhood, let alone now. Some women in their 80's can't get around much, and they are more fragile. I remember my other grandma in her 80's, she couldn't stand the noise from my boys, so she wanted me to leave her house. She had a bad temper. It is devastating to lose a child. I think that might of been emotional for her also.
Some families enjoy being around kids, and that is important for people. I know in the higher ages, their health is always an issue. I hope this helps.

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Hello,
I can relate to how you are feeling. I have four children and my mom has never shown much interest in her grandchildren. She is 57 and I know she does get tired. I had a hard time dealing with the fact that she has never been around for them. I just look at it this way now....she is the one missing out. Take care..

1 mom found this helpful

D.
It sounds to me that you need to let go of the fact that your Mom likes living in the location she is at. Your Mom has her own life where she is. I am sure it has nothing to do with her love for you.
If your brother lives with her and cares for her I can see how she would want to fulfill his location desires over yours. Not that he is more important, but he is there.
Could your Mom have some sort of medical condition that would make travel difficult for her?

I think you should refrain from putting any sort of blame on her for not coming to stay with you while you were pregnant. That is not fair. Many grandparents do not wish to take part in child care. Mine do not help out in any way. Your children are your responsibility. Could you have hired sitters to help you during that time?

Try to support your Mother in her decisions. I am sure she would love to see you and the kids. Is it possible for you and the kids to visit her more often? Cherish the relationship for what it is. You do not want to regret any decisions you made or could have made in her last years. 85 is old, and a difficult age to travel at.

I hope you can let go, forgive, and accept her for who she is.

Best, JM

Your mom is 84 and I can understand totally why she does not want to live close to you and help you out. It's not for lack of want, it's for lack of energy. I was a young grandma (mid-40s) and after having my first grandson for a day, I was totally wiped out... then #2 came along and that really exhausted me. I worked full-time, still do, and I'm only in my early 60s. I think young people do not realize how your energy goes down as you get older. I work with young people and then a couple in their middle-50s and they don't understand either. A visit from your mom would be good but don't expect her to be helping out with the kids.

Your mom is in her 80's. Give HER a break!
YOU chose to have all your kids and you can't blame her if she wants to do what she wants to do!
Good luck to you , but don't put ANY blame on your own mom!!
Time is running out for whom? You or your mom? Stop being selfish!

My mother is 57 and spending one afternoon with my 16 month old has her totally wore out. Maybe at your mother's old age she feels like she would be expected to spend a lot of time with the kids were she closer. At the age of 84, most women like rest and relaxation. This is just my idea of what might be going on.

If you're feeling that it might be an abandonment issue, then it probably is.

If you know that you can NOT control outside issues (so nothing she does or doesn't do is part of your answer), If you did not have this issue, what in your most fantastic and most wonderful dreams would you be doing now? Just for you. Figure out what you want for yourself, and don't let anything get in your way.

Hint, perhaps it is that YOU love you, no matter what anyone else does or says? Then consider that your mother may be doing what feels like the best thing for her. Would you take her innate happiness away. Maybe she needs to be in a place where she's not distracted from doing some serious internal resolution before her ETERNAL spirit finds what it wants to do next. There is always a next and you will always be connected through the purity of Source energy that beats your heart no matter what emotion you choose to filter through it.

Love, L.
Teacher of New Consciousness

D., I think you should appreciate that you had a great relationship with your mother growing up and be happy with that. You are asking WAY too much of your mother.

She is 84, and you are surprised that she doesn't want to spend a lot of time in a house with 8 kids!!!!

I don't know how old you are, but I'm now 50 and while I'm pretty fit and active for my age, I can tell you that your energy really does start to wane as you age, and the things you once thought were fascinating are now not as much so. And I can sure relate to having a hard time sleeping anywhere than my own bed.

Sure it would be nice to have a sweet, ever-present granny for your kids, but they will be perfectly happy without it. With 8 kids around there is certainly never any lack of company!!
Give your mom a break!! You will get it when you're 84.

p.s. - My experience was a mother who visited and spent the whole time telling me what was wrong with my kids. That was worse than your situation. So I've had to grieve the loss of the sweet granny for a different reason.

D., I'm a grandmother of nine in my sixties. Did it occur to you that the energy and activity and high decibel sounds emitting from young children might just be overwhelming to your aging mother? It is time for you to inconvenience yourself, get a sitter and go visit her because you want and need quality time while she is responsive and able to receive your love and attention. You sound like a very active, healthy involved person with a lot of energy. Please realize that your mother is among an age group that is a very small percentage of the population. Hopefully you send lots of pictures of the kids and encourage them to send homemade cards and little notes of love. Hope you have some precious time left with your mom to express your appreciation for all she did for you in the past. Enjoy your family from the youngest to the oldest.

My mom and mother in law were here recently with the birth of our child (both live in different states, so we don't get to see them that often). My mom was super helpful, but she went home totally exhausted and she's only in her early 50's. My mother in law played with the kids, but it was very apparent that she also had a lot going on back home. You have to respect your mom's wishes and also what she feels mentally, emotionally and physically able to do. My grandma is about the same age and she barely leaves the house, it overwhelms her, even though she is still physically in pretty good shape. Enjoy what she does offer. Also, maybe you could have the kids send cards, letters, artwork etc to her so that they know that she is important. Also you and the kids could go and visit her. Relationships change, just as everything else in life changes, even between mother and daughter.