Miscarriage Coming----

I am so sorry for you as I understand the pain. I micscarried my 1st pregnancy and was so saddened by by the experience. I understand feeling connected to the baby. Please keep in mind that people don't always know what to say at a loss and that they are trying to help you to feel better even if they are making it worse.

By the way I did not have to have a D&C and had 1 period and got pregnant the next cycle with a full term pregnancy.

Molly,

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for 5 1/2 years. Last summer we got pregnant for the first time but at 5 weeks we found out that we were going to loose the baby and three days later I miscarried. That was my baby and I think about it all the time. We have an adopted son who is a jewel in our lives. When we found out we were pregnant we took picture of our son with signs that said "will be big brother April 10, 2008)--which is grandpa's birthday. This was how we were going to tell our family. When we found out we were going to loose the baby we took pictures of my husband and I, so we would have some of us with our unborn baby. After I miscarried we decided to put together a small memory book for the baby. We put in all the pictures of our son with the signs, we even had him draw a picture for the baby. We included the picture of my husband and I (even though we look very sad in them), and we wrote a few small paragraphs about the baby--how we felt when we found out, how we had waited for this baby, how this baby will be remembered and loved. We had talked about a name that was neutral and we ended up even giving this baby a name (Gracen). This is the way we grieved and the way that we honored the life of our baby that we loved and longed for. We only shared it with people who were very close to us. We keep it on a shelf in our son's room and we will always (as a family) remember that baby. I finally can talk about it (if I don't think to deeply about it) without crying. I want you to know this is just a sucky thing that happened because we live in this world. I believe God wants to give you peace during this time and comfort.
It is hard when people don't know what to say and so they say things that aren't helpful or encouraging. It is important to grieve, you lost your baby and the future that comes with it. I've also found it really helpful to talk to someone who has experienced the same thing. My mom lost my older brother when he was born premature at 6 1/2 months (40 years ago). We shared these experiences together, cried together. I hope this has been helpful.

Molly if you want we can talk on the phone too and I had a miscarriage couple weeks ago and I had D&C :( It was painful but now I'm over it because I believe I will have a another child even I'm over 40 :) I have a wonderful doc. and he gave me hope:)
That was my second miscarriage. If you will find a right doc. believe me you will have a healthy and wonderful baby just believe you have this power in you :)
We told to everyone around us that I was pregnant too and I was also freaking what if I will loose this one too and it happened... I had terrible back pain and it was a strong sign for me. Baby was 9 weeks old when we had ultrasound and saw there wasn't heart beat – Two weeks ago from this day I saw my 7 weeks old baby and heart was beating –
Molly this is life and everything is for us important part don't give up and believe you have the power in you that will help you be strong
Do you want me call you we can chat on the phone if you want. Please let me know.
I can suggersted D&C is more easier than natural miscarriage. Less painful and less bleeding and get better faster.
I can see every words can be tribe to you but everybody is having same pain and learning to live with pain :(

(((hugs))) Molly. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious Angel baby. I recently suffered my second miscarriage a few weeks ago, and am still on my emtional rollercoaster. This time it was much as differnt, as I was only 6 weeks, and my first miscarriage was at 18 weeks, which I needed to be induced for and had a d&c. This time my body handled the miscarraige naturally and gently, which was something I was grateful for. It sound like your body is miscarrying by itself if you are bleeding and cramping. D&C's are usually recommended when it's a "missed" or "incomplete" miscarriage. After our D&C, I had cramps for the next few days, ad bled for about 3 weeks- although that was on the long end. I also had to take Provera to start my cycle again, as after 8 weeks it hadn't come back by itself. Most obgyn's/midwives suggest at least 1 cycle in between the loss and trying again so you get a fresh healthy uterine lining in there. For what it's worth, we did concieve our daughter on the first cycle after our miscarriage. I hope some of that helps with the "what to expect" side of it.
As for grief- there is no set of rules or steps. Everyone processes it differently. I have shed many tears for my angel babies, as I know that I will never hold them in my arms, or nurse them, or watch them grow, or crawl or laugh. BUt I hold them tight in my heart. They are my babies, and I am their momma. They are loved, they were wanted, they are missed. People say the worst things- but really, they just don't know any better. There is no reason for ever loosing a baby. NONE. I don't care what the reason is- it's just plain horrible to ever take a baby from a momma. The only way you know what to say is if you've been through it- and this is a sh#tty club to be a part of. I'm so sorry Molly. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers, and I wish you a speedy physical recovery.
xxxx-
sydney

Hi Molly,

First let me say I am so sorry for your loss! I have not actually experienced a miscarriage myself, but have several girlfriends who have. You will be amazed through this how many women have had the same or worse experience than you have.

One of my girlfriends accepted hers by hearing it like this…A miscarriage is a way for your body to tell you that something is not right with the pregnancy. Everything happens for a reason and our bodies are the most amazing tool we can use to know what is going on inside of them.

It will happen and it will be good.

I had the same thing happen @ 7 1/2 wks the year before I got pregnant with my son, now 11 1/2 mos old. You should grieve as long as you want to. Sometimes I still have tears. To me it was losing a baby. I've moved on, but will never forget. For me though, talking about it, no matter how painful, helped the most. Even talking to strangers. It's a sad, hard time, but you'll make. And don't forget to love your baby. They can feel when you are upset.

Hi Molly- I too miscarried between my two girls (now 5 & 9). It was a very painful, mostly emotion experience. I was at about 10 weeks and had just started to get excited about being pregnant again. While I didn't mourn so much the death of a person I mourned the loss of my expectations and what or who was to come. Depending on a woman's beliefs, reactions to a miscarriage vary a lot. Don't listen to anyone who tries to tell you how to feel. You deserve to mourn in your own way and at your own pace. The best thing Motherhood has taught me is to follow my heart and if yours is sad that's OK. You will go on to get pregnant again. You have no idea how many Moms I've talked to who miscarried in between children. I did not have a D&C and understand that they can really add to the emotional stress. Be sure your doctor is against any unnecessary interventions as some will push the procedure to speed things along while others prefer to let nature take it's course. For me the whole process took about a week with really heavy bleeding just on a few days. Our bodies are designed to take care of these things and in most cases they do so without any medical procedures. As for what to tell people, just be honest and you'll find some people just are not sure how to deal with it and say something inappropriate but most will be supportive and understanding. Then they'll be the women who have been through this (probably quite a few of them) and you will realize that you are definitely not alone. That in itself is enough to make anyone feel a little better!

I can completely understand what you are going through. I had two miscarriages and on the second had to have a d&c. If you have to have a d&c take whatever pain medication that the dr. offers. It is a quick procedure, but is painful. Afterwards I went home and spent the rest of the day crying. One thing that helped my husband and I was we bought a big flower pot and planted some flowers as a memory for our baby. It was a small thing but it allowed me to do something. Another thing that helped was my faith. As a Christian I believe that my babies are in heaven and I will get to see them someday. Take the time you need to grieve and ignore what people say about it happening for a reason. There is no reason and unless you have been through it you can't understand it. Hang in there it does get easier.

Hi Molly,
I am sooo sorry to hear that. I myself have not had a D&C but a few years ago I was told that I had a miscarriage. I didnt even know that I was pregnant, I was spotting and cramping so went to the doctor and found out I was pregnant. They told me I had had a miscarriage and said that a d&c was a possibility. However, a few days later I was having extremly bad cramps so I went to the E.R. and found out that it was actually an ectopic pregnancy (outside the uterus). I had to have emergancy surgary so that my tube wouldnt burst. For about six months afterwards I was so depressed and sad. Most of my family was telling me to "get over it" and "you'll have one someday" but that didnt help, I had lost a baby. Even though I hadnt known that I was pregnant until it was too late, there was still those few days before finding out what it really was of hoping for a miracle. As a mother, you want to help and protect your children and when something like this happens you feel so helpless. My husband was my shoulder to cry on and I was his shoulder to cry on. And now we have two beautiful little girls (after the ectopic) and a little Angel. So, in a way I know the pain and just remember that it's ok to cry and be sad and its normal to be depressed. I'm sure you have cried on your husbands shoulder and maybe it would help to just let everything out to him and him to you because both of you are going through this. I wish you the best.
P.s. If you need someone to talk to or someone to just listen, Feel free to send me a message and I can even give you my number.
-A.

Molly,

I had a similar experience. It is truly devastating...since I had waited 10 years to get pregnant. So, I am sorry to hear of your loss and understand how it feels when people 'ignore' the fact that you are/were pregnant. I was given options on how to handle my situation...and I chose to have an elective D&C since it is something you would have to do if the miscarriage isn't 'clean'. This way, I was able to make sure that I knew when and how it would happen and take the 'guess work' out of it all.

I am happy to say that after that devastating experience, I became pregnant with my beautiful twins and couldn't be happier. Although there is a reason for everything...it doesn't make what you're going through any easier. Find comfort and solace in friends and family who understand.

God bless you!

~ L.

Molly, I have not had a miscarriage before but I have had friends that have gone through this. One friend told me that the thing that helped her the most was to give the baby a name. Most mom's have a sense of weather baby is going to be a girl or a boy, if not think of a unisex name. She said that by giving her baby a name it helped her to feel some closure. There was a name to put with the emotions she was feeling. I don't know if this helps any for you. The only thing that you can do is just take things day by day. I hope this helps.

I had a miscarriage once. At about 3 months I went in for an ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. I was devastated. The most comfort I received was in a card from a neighbor I barely knew which said, in essence: don't let anyone tell you not to grieve, you lost your baby so go ahead and grieve. It was a long time ago, and I don't remember the exact words, but I remember the impact of her card.

There is no shame in your miscarriage, however, and I don't think it is healthy to have to hide your grief, so just let people know the truth if you want to, and cry as openly and as often as you need to.

That all being said, I just want to let you know there is light at the end of the tunnel, especially since you are obviously able to carry a baby to term. For me there is no grief left and the miscarriage is now just a fact that once happened to me.

I'm sorry for the loss of your baby.

It's a loss, just as the death of any baby is a loss. People say stupid things because they don't know what to say and they really do want to help you find a way to feel better. A little ritual that acknowledges the short life of your baby and your loss can be helpful, as others have noted. My mother told me that you never "get over" a loss, it's just longer and longer between times that you feel sad. And my 96 year old grandmother still remembers the child she miscarried and knows exactly how old he would be if she hadn't lost him. She's not sobbing into her pillow every night, mind you, but it still tugs at her heart from time to time. So, yes, your loss is real... and here is this whole community standing by to support you. That's kind of nice.

I have not been through this, but sat on the phone across the country with my sister while it happened to her. She called numerous times in a three day period, we cried together as she miscarried. It will be hard and you need time to grieve. You and your family need to allow that. I think what kept my sister going is that she had another beautiful child to grab on to and appreciate even more. I see that you have a wonderful toddler. I think that toddler will help you through the process more than anyone. Look at them and Hold them dearly. Appreciated all the milestones in thier life.
Take care.

I am so sorry for your loss. When this happened to me 10 years ago, I allowed the process to happen at home, but when it got very painful I decided I didn't need pain on top of grief and went in for the D & C. The procedure was not difficult and I went right home. Either way, remember that your hormones will be on the post-partum rollercoaster in addition to your grief, and try to give yourself time to rest (bed rest for at least a few days), recover and cry. Don't be afraid to tell people what you're feeling, and allow yourself to have these feelings too. When people tell you to get over it and etc, you can tell them OK, but right now you're sad (or whatever you're feeling) and it would be nice if they could just sympathize. Some people are just trying to be helpful--you or your partner can suggest other ways they can really help, like making you dinner, running some errands, taking care of your child for a bit, etc. A ritual was very important to me to mourn the passing of our child; I think it's very good to find some way to do that. We took flowers to a river and released them. Looking back, I wish I had invited my friends and family to participate in that. Best wishes to you.

Hi there...my sister just aborted a viable fetus at almost 4 months and I still have not forgiven her. I think sometimes that I hate her! I feel like she killed one of our family members. Then I read a sad story like yours and I am sooooo angry all the more! I wish you nothing but the best, happiness and love and understanding. Please know that you are in my prayers and that I feel your loss...yes on a different level, but I feel it just the same. This too shall pass, as my mom says. :) One day at a time.
Much love and support.
-Sher

Molly,You are in my Prayers, yes a person gets tired of hearing those things, but it is true. There is a reason for everything good and bad that happens to us.
I am now 58 yeras old but still can remember my 6 1/2 mth pregnancy miscarrying, still vivid in my mind, the child I would not be able to hold.
But I had faith iin God and made it thru the worst the D & C we need those afterwards.
You will be able to have another and another.
Some of us were not so lucky:(
You will get thru it all and remember to have the faith sweety.

Molly,

Please see my entry regarding the other person who is fearful of miscarriage. I had a D&C because the fetus had no heart beat. I recommend making sure you really like your doctor before doing this. My doctor was very cold and uncaring and it made the whole thing miserable. If I had had my current doctor I'm sure it would have been much easier on me. Physically, the procedure is not that bad. It's fairly quick and the pain isn't that bad. As for the recovery I was crampy for about a week but it did take my body a while to recover and get back on track as far as ovulation/menstruation. If you have specific questions please feel free to ask me. I'm sorry you are going through this, and sorry for your loss.

I am sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I have been through this 3 times and unfortunately, I had to have a D&C all three times. I say cry when you need to and focus on your 18 month old as a distraction. You never really get over it, but it will get easier. I found that after a couple weeks my life got back to normal (as much as possible). Each month though was a constant reminder everytime mother nature appeared. I say, plant a tree or a flowering bush to remind you of your precious little angel. After my 3rd miscarriage, I had three small tattoos put on the top of my foot of my favorite flower (the hibiscus), to remind me of them. It helped me move on and focus on the future. Now I have a very handsome little boy, but I will always remember my little angels.