MIL Visits? - Fenton,MI

CONGRATS!!!

I think you are reading too much into it...she is letting you guys establish a routine and home life!!!

She may have picked up on your anxiety or that she was driving you nuts and giving you space....

I don't know...talk to her about it...let her know that she is welcome to come and visit her only grandchild - please call first - but otherwise PLEASE come!!!

Remember - some grandparents aren't "hands on" she may have been around to help out while you were pregnant to help you get stuff set up - I don't know - you didn't elaborate...however, she could just be giving you space and letting you establish a routine...

CONGRATS again!!!

4 moms found this helpful

Your poor MIL....she kept in touch & drove you nuts. She's staying away & has hurt your feelings! Wow...she can't win......

I prefer to think that she's aware of how you responded to her attention, & now is trying to give you some distance ....which in turn is allowing you precious one-on-one time with your new baby. Kudos to her!

Living one hour away, I think once a month is great. Just because she's retired doesn't mean she doesn't have a life! Peace....

2 moms found this helpful

I think she is being nice and respecting your privacy. Being a new mom is a time of transition. Finding your own way of parenting can be troubling to some with meddling family in the way. Ask her to come by if you want to see her more :)
C.

1 mom found this helpful

I know all families are different, but four visits in four months is a lot to me! No one in my family visits that often, no matter the distance. And an hour drive each way is a long drive to visit, in my opinion. And just because she is retired doesn't mean she doesn't have a life of her own that keeps her occupied.

If you'd like to see her more often, put out invitations. But you say you don't mind her not visiting often, so I'm not sure what the issue is here...

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Four times in four months sounds to me like she's trying to stay in touch while giving you your space. Have you considered inviting her over for dinner some night and see if she'll come?

My MIL lives 35 minutes away. It's been over a year since I've seen her. We do have a challenging situation (immune compromised daughter), but she's refused to come even when nothing was required of her because she's just that way! (people can't just come over, they have to make sure they aren't carrying germs, etc, and they have to "quarantine"...she thinks that I don't have my mom do that - which I do - so she refuses to do it or come over now). She drives me crazy (she is SO high maintenance), but it still hurts that she puts forth no effort. If you claim to love your grandkids so much, it seems like some effort would be realistic.

I would try to not read too much negative into your situation. I really think she is trying to find a balance in visiting you guys. If you invite her over more, I wonder if that would help some? And, maybe we can trade MILs?

1 mom found this helpful

Be patient. She is scared of a little baby. Older women, especially those who aren't all that physically strong anymore or have actually forgotten how to hold little babies, are worried about dropping them or losing control of them, like when they throw their heads back and act like they are going to launch! (Scared me to death when my own did it!)

When the baby is older, it will be easier for her. Be encouraging to her, don't micromanage, etc. She'll get there!

D.

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Have your husband have a heart to heart talk with her. He can tell her he would love it if she could come visit more often. He can ask her if there is something wrong. But some people just don't want to open up. If you are a really independent person she may feel hurt and not needed. Some people just love to feel needed. Ask her for advice now and then. Or ask her to help you do something. Personally I think a once a month visit sounds great!

1 mom found this helpful

My MIL was the same way... With her living about an hour away, she probably feels like she needs to stay a bit longer than you probably want. She was a mother to a new born once upon a time and she probably remembers how it was those first few months. Right now I wouldn't worry or read too much into it. She probably doesn't want to get in your way. Also, I think it is different when it's your Son's new baby vs. Daughters new baby, if that makes sense...

I wish you the best!!

I have to say from experience that it can be very hard to deal with an MIL after you have the baby. You are hormonal and she may try to do more than you want or not enough... let's just say that even though both sides mean well, it can be stressful for you both and awkward for your husband to be in the middle.

But- I am sure she loves her grandchild and means well and if you can keep that in perspective you may find that it will work itself out. Don't be offended if she doesn't visit as often as you think she should- some grandmas are more hands on with babies than others. Some spend more time with the kids when they get older. If you do need help and ask for it I am sure she will appreciate it that you are asking.

Just try to keep in mind that your family has a life long relationship with your MIL. I've seen my son get closer and closer with my ex-husband's mother (who is much older than my parents) and however much she got on my nerves when he was a baby, I am so grateful that they have this close relationship now. Just hang in there and try not to take things personally! Good luck!

Don't know how old she is or what else she has going on in her life or what her health is, but an hour's drive can be pretty daunting for a lot of people. My DD lived an hour away when she had some of her kids & i was working a hard job, so I found it exhausting to go out there. I did it as often as I felt I could and loved it but when she moved closer, I sure saw them a lot more, and still do!

I read the "So What Happened" as well as the post. Let's see -- you say you're independent, don't ask for help, etc., and let's assume she knows that about you. Yet you're feeling peeved that she doesn't visit more or cancels visits. Pretty mixed signals from you about what you really want and expect from her.

She likely feels like she's giving you space; that you do invite them but maybe she cancels because she fears your invitations are "just to be nice" and not really meant wholeheartedly; maybe she feels it's your husband behind the invitations and not you, and she fears alienating you; maybe she realizes or at least believes that all her attention during your pregnancy was unwelcomed by you so now she's backing off.

If you say "I thought you'd visit more, why haven't you?" that would really confuse her, I think. She's seen the baby once a month since birth -- that sounds just right for many families, I think.

I think she may be confused about how much space to give you. And I think you sound a bit confused yourself about what you expect: Visits only on your terms, no help or advice to be offered? If she took up every single invitation you have made, would that total of visits really have been a bit more than you'd want? I'd think hard about what you really expect from her. Continue to invite but be clear that you really want to see her. But if she begins to come more often, don't change your mind and start being cool toward her because she's interfering with your independence.

Seems to me that she is the one making all of the effort here. I think it would be nice if you and your husband drove the hour away, visited them in THEIR home and maybe took them out for dinner. Maybe she would offer to make dinner for you.

All the same, I think she may be simply giving you your space and trying not to bug too much (she may have sensed that while you were pregnant and does not want to overstep her boundries) and by reaching out to her, not simply inviting them to see you but by making the effort to see her, that may answer some of your questions. Drive up for the day, let her be comfortable in her home with you there, and see where that goes.

She sounds like a gem compared to my MIL...

You recently had a baby. And are you nursing? Sorry, that was a personal question. Try not to take things so seriously right now or over-think things. You could be a tad hormonal and it could be affecting your judgment.

I know that from my own personal experience...

Oh yeah. "E. just had to say everything she was feeling." LOL...

Can I answer as the grandma of a grandaughter? My son is the dad. I also have a grandson where my daughter is the mom. Being the mom of the Mom is very different than being the Mom of the Dad. VERY. I'm perfectly comfortable helping my daughter, but also keeping the distance of respecting that SHE is the mom. I just don't quite know how to do that with my grandaughter's mom. I know she has a volatile relationship with her own mom, and I want so bad to NOT be interfering that I think I go the other way and avoid her.

Anther possibility may be that MIL is not a "baby person" and prefers them a bit older? Personally, I LOVE babies, but the 2-4 age range is not my favorite.

Is it possible for you to include your MIL by asking things like "Mom, at what age do you think she should be sitting up? " or asking what outfit she thinks would be best for 6 month pics, etc. Maybe she needs to feel needed and wanted?

I think you're readig a little too much into this. During pregnancy things are difficult for you; thus she made more effort to be helpful.
After birth, it's a little easier on you, so she doesn't feel the need.
And there is that little consideration that you and your baby are forming a bond.
Plus, you have youth on your side and she doesn't. You'll be making more visits to her as she gets older to be helpful.

I don't know if I really have an answer for you, but I definitely know what you're going through. I've been dealing with something similar with my FIL for the last 3 1/2 years. He was so excited for us to get married and have babies. Then when our (1st) DD came it was like he disappeared. Part of me wonders if he (and his wife) were offended that we didn't want them to babysit right after we had her. They always watch my husband's stepsister's kids, often for the whole weekend. Less than a week after I had my DD they were offering to give us a break. Call me crazy but I didn't want one or need one. It seemed like after that we only see them at holidays or special events. Whenever we did try to take them up on their offer to babysit there were always restrictions. Now we have 2 kids and between my DH's 2 step siblings they have 4 kids. Lets just say that we get the short end of the grandparent stick. My parents are deceased so they are not in the picture. My MIL is fine though (his parents are divorced). My FIL is also retired and they just moved even further away from us but closer to the other kids. So like I said, I don't have an answer. I don't know if we will ever bring up the subject. I don't know if we are reading too much into it or if there is a reason behind the behavior.

If you would like her to visit more then keep trying. Don't give up too easily, maybe don't give up at all. It would be easy for us to give up because they rarely initiate anything. But I can't give up on my kids having a relationship with their grandparents, not for this reason. Keep the communication open between you and your husband. He will likely be more sensitive on the subject because it is his mother but hopefully he can listen to you and at least try and understand where you are coming from.

Another MIL here: I have two DIL's, DIL A is fifteen minutes away and DIL B is over 2 hours. With each of my DIL's I try to give them the space they need to be who they are. If DIL A needs me for anything she knows I will do what I can to help but there are times when she doesn't ask for it and I wait till I know she really needs it to step in and give her a hand. Usually I find out by watching what is going on in Facebook. This is how I am able to keep track of all of my kids.
DIL B on the other hand I am unable to just drop everything if there is a problem. Her and my son just gave me a beautiful granddaughter 6 weeks ago and as much as I would love to visit more it isn't possible. I have seen her once just 2 weeks ago when I went out there for their wedding. There for a while before the baby was born DIL B and I had a falling out and I tried to go out there to see her but alas my truck broke down. With gas prices and such holiday time is about the only chance we can get together. I am not the type to call very often, I feel that if I am needed for something or something comes up where they are they will let me know
When it comes to your MIL, maybe give her a call once in a while to ask how she is doing and try to have a nice chat.
Congratulations on your new arrival!!! Take care.

I think once a month if a nice ammount for someone you dont really want around too often. An hour drive is far enough to keep her from bugging you, but close enough to come when you ask,,so ask her to come visit. She might love knowing you really WANT her there. She may have other activities that keep her busy and she is trying to find time for you and the new baby. Have you ever belonged to a club that meets once a month and sometimes it just seems like too much to go everytime? She just mght not have time to pack up and visit every few weeks. She may have spent enough time with you to see what a great mom you are and are doing a wonderful job so shes not worried about the baby, and feels relaxed enough to give you time to ourselves. I think youre one lucky momma.

Talk to her -- be direct in a nice way. Ask her why she doesn't visit more?