S.S. asks from Chandler, AZ on March 23, 2010
MIL Visit + Twin Delivery = Nightmare
I'm delivering twins via scheduled c-section - I need to be at the hospital at 10am and deliver around noon. MIL has booked a flight to arrive at 11:15 am the day of delivery and has suggested that my husband leave the hospital to pick her up, to save the $25 cab fare. Then she has planned on staying for 4 days, but I have no idea what she plans to do since my husband and I will be at the hospital. We also have a 2.5 year old who needs to go to daycare, but since MIL isn't getting a car she can't help with that. My mom is coming for 6 weeks, so I suggested that my husband could stay at home with his mom and the 2.5 year old and my mom could stay at the hospital with me, but he thinks he needs to be at the hospital with me and not my mom. He plans on leaving to shuttle people from our home to the hospital (about 25 miles), but I'm not thrilled with the idea of being left alone for long periods with the twins and a fresh c-section. I would really like to tell MIL to not come at all since I don't really want her around as it will just complicate things, but I don't know how to say it without sounding like a witch.
MIL and I have a long history of issues - like paying her to come and visit our older child when they were a newborn, her expecting us to travel up for Christmas this year with a 3 year old and two 8 month old twins. We have lived out of state for 12 years and EVERY year we travel 3 hours by plane for Christmas, so now she expects it. She is just very self centered.
Just wanted to add a bit of clarification:
1) Friends have offered to pick up MIL at airport and bring her to hospital so hubby will not have to leave.
2) The ONLY reason she is coming the day she is, is because she is visiting Texas for an event prior to my delivery date and was scheduled to fly through on the scheduled c-section date for her return trip. So she decided that she should stop to see the babies since she would already be passing through. If it would have been her flying from home and paying the airfare she would have NEVER done it.
3) Hubby thinks if my mom is here, his has a right to be here, but he doesn’t understand that I’m not comfortable with her in the room while I’m trying to nurse or being poked and prodded. He says she is showing an interest, but she has never shown an interest in our first child. Never came for a birthday or my baby shower, etc. When she does come it is her vacation and she wants to lay by the pool and do things with her son while I stay at home with the kids.
4) As for paying for any change fee, sorry to be selfish, but we have paid for everything for the last 15 years since we are both college educated and the rest of his family is not. She gives us her shopping list for Christmas presents and then complains that the presents aren’t nice enough and that is after us spending $1000 to travel to be there. She has been to visit 3 times in the 12 years we have lived here and we have traveled back over 25 times. Of course hubby does not see this issue as it is his mother/family.
5) As for inviting her to visit for Christmas… that is ok, but along with her will come 9 other people and I’m not prepared to house 10 people in addition to our family of 5. So that will become a big issue since no one will think of staying in a hotel! Hubby thinks I have an aversion to his family, but it’s just that I would like our family to have its own traditions and I’m tired of his family being the center of the universe.
6) Specifically to Kelly regarding being FAIR – My mom came down for 10 days to help with my first child, my doctor advised that I should get live in help for the first 6 weeks after the twins, so I’ve asked my mom to do that. My mom will do ANYTHING to help and puts my oldest first when they are together. My mom wants to teach her to cut, color, write letters, read, etc. His mom only came down to watch our child for the first week I went back to work - we paid her and then she complained that she didn’t get to sit out by the pool enough. The second I would walk in the door she would walk outside. During our last Christmas, my mom watched our oldest for a few hours so we could do our Christmas shopping and at MIL house I she wouldn’t even watch her long enough for me to take a shower. Not to mention when my SIL needed to deliver a second baby in 2008, MIL said she didn’t know if they could watch their toddler because she might have to bowl or golf that night, so she has a long history of putting herself first. Also during the 6 weeks, my mom will be fine with sitting in the house/hospital and holding/feeding/changing babies as needed. She will go where she is needed no questions asked. My MIL will need to be catered to.
Also that is the point – I don’t understand if she plans on sitting at our house the whole time or at the hospital the whole time. I did tell hubby last night that SHE WILL not sit there for 3 days in my hospital room. Again, it might sound unfair, but I’m fine with my mom being there to help me to the bathroom, nursing, etc, but I am not comfortable with MIL around for that stuff.
7) To Cdm2kk regarding being a MIL someday – yes I will, but I will know my place and not expect my children to spend every holiday with me for the rest of their lives. I grew up across the country from most of my extended family and so family was mom, dad and me. I did not see my cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents more than 5 times before I was 18, so I don’t anticipate keeping my children under my control for the rest of their lives.
8) I realize a lot of this is the rough history between us as she just gets on my nerves and I am wonderful at holding a grudge. Also, I am a great worrier and my hubby is the easy going type so we see the situation in completely different ways. I often say we are not on the same page nor are we even in the same book at times. Lastly, I’m an emotional wreck because I was not planning on having 3 kids and the financial burden and stress is pushing me to the breaking point!
C.M. answers from Albuquerque on March 28, 2010
I have a crazy mil too~!! You do what is right for YOU!!!! He will get over it and she will just have to deal with it.
D.W. answers from Gainesville on March 23, 2010
I feel your pain (and we'll leave it at that lol) but this is how I might handle the situation.
I would have hubby explain to MIL that he will be at the hospital with you and he won't be leaving except to bring your mom and the baby to see the new granbaby/siblings so she can come but she won't see much of you guys or the new babies so it might be better if she comes once you are home and settled. And hubby, not you, needs to deliver that news.
If she insists on coming she will find her own way from the airport. Under no circumstances should your hubby leave. The hospital and/or those babies won't wait for dad to get back. That's a fact. If her flight doesn't get in until 11:15 (and that's if it's on time!) They won't get out of there for at least an hour after going down to baggage, waiting on the bags, and getting back to the car and going again. No Way!
Then as to your hubby shuttling people back and forth-uummm, no. Too much stress to an already big week. Everyone is a grown up-if they want/need to get there they can find their own way. That's why God invented GPS, mapquest, rental cars and cell phones! :)
And trust me you don't want alot of company during those first few days anyway-you are trying to heal, trying to breastfeed babies, change babies, rest, eat, get checked out by the nurses, docs, etc. Best if everyone just waits till you guys are home and settled. It is exhausting to try to play hostess after surgery. And you need rest!
Congrats to you on the new babies!
4 moms found this helpful
P.M. answers from Portland on March 23, 2010
Try this on and see how it feels:
"MIL, I hear that you expect to arrive about the same time I'll be having a C-section. I've thought this through from every angle, and that will not work for us. We'd like you to be here if you can plan your trip, your transportation, and your lodging in a way that won't complicate what will be a difficult day. My husb. wants to be with me during the births and for some time afterward. Let us know what you work out."
I've found you can simply state your needs and expectations clearly, and let the other party deal with her own surprise or disapproval. This is your day, and your children's, and your needs are legitimate. Say so, and don't waffle.
Here's your perfect opportunity to start some new family traditions. Go for it!
3 moms found this helpful
K.I. answers from Spokane on March 23, 2010
Ughh! Nightmare is right!
I never understood why some people couldn't just wait and visit at a more appropriate time? I mean really? It seems like more and more people (read that MIL's) think they should be able/allowed to be there the day of and expect some things to revolve around them.....ick! My MIL needed to be in the room directly after my babies were born, and it sucked! They all just sat in there and stared at me and the baby and it was not comfortable for me at all...luckily for me I had my sister there to be my "mouth" and tell everyone "ok, we've seen enough, lets let the new family have some time alone" and out they went...with my 2nd, my sister had to work the next day and wasn't there...but both my MIL and my FIL were there... ALL day...making it terribly uncomfortable and not at all the relaxing part of after birth.....because we all know that once the baby comes home, it is sooo hard! I can't imagine having twins and my mom and my MIL at the same time? I feel you woman!
Talk with your hubby and get him to be your "mouth"....and in no way should he leave the hospital and pick her up at the airport...selfish much???
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K.G. answers from San Francisco on March 23, 2010
OH boy. I've had twins twice, but only once was it a c-section. That is a whole other world.
You will need your husband but you will also need your mother. I needed both, but not at the same time. I can count on my mother to take care of me when I am in the hospital. She's a mom and just knows what to do. I also needed my husband there because they were his babies and it was bonding time. He also was my advocate when the bossy nurses would come in. Maybe your husband and mom could alternate shifts at the hosptial and with your younger son.
Is it possible to have your MIL wait a week or two? Newborn twins really aren't all that fun to others anyway. They constantly are crying, being changed, nursing and sleeping. If she can't wait to come, you could always ask them for another dose of morphine when she shows up at the hospital. =) Okay, just kidding!
This is not a normal delivery. It's very emotional and tiring. Having two babies is a lot different than one. Of course I've never had just one, so I'm imagining on how easy it would be.
You could have your husband talk to her and ask how she whould feel to postpone since it's going to be really hard for her to get any bonding time in with the babies. It wil better for her to be able to spend uninterrupted time with you all, when you get home and settled. Make sure you send her tons of pictures and call her about the birth, if she decides to stay home.
I'm usually one to sticks up for MIL's, But, I have a wonderful one. In this case, I've been in your shoes as far as two babies and c-sections go.
As far as Christmas goes, we told everyone we were staying home last year. And we did. =) It was wonderful. They were mad, but we didn't care.
Congratulations on your babies.
2 moms found this helpful
M.G. answers from Chicago on March 23, 2010
You're definitely in a difficult situation! I, too, have twins, and the one thing I wanted more than anything was my husband. He needs to be there with you, too, since caring for two babies at the same time is very different than a singleton. It would be hard to not let her come, since these are her grandchildren, too. But, I would have your husband tell her up front that his priority is you and the babies. If she has to take a cab, so be it. He shouldn't have to leave the hospital to go get her.
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C.M. answers from Austin on March 23, 2010
Why are all these people coming to the hospital? Besides the MIL and mom? Honestly, I'd cut back on the extra people.
You will need to tell your husband that he cannot go pick up mom from the airport. Surely, there is someone else who can do this. Or you can offer to pay for her cab.
I feel your pain on the travel for holidays. I refused to do it for the first time last year and it was great. We had a wonderful holiday.
2 moms found this helpful
J.R. answers from Phoenix on March 24, 2010
It's gona be ok....the added stress is not good for you and the babies! You make your plans as if she wasn't coming at all. Let your husband deal with his mother. Yes you are gona need your husband and the hospital, and he will need to let his mother know the plans and that she will need to work around "your schedule", and thats that. Let her decide if she really wants to sit around.
Maybe suggest a better time...like summer at the pool since you'll need extra eyes and hands for sure while by the water.
My MIL likes to think that we have to always do or go along with what they want...but recently we (husband) put our foot down and are now saying "this is the plan". After all we are the ones with the kids!
Good luck and Congrats!
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M.L. answers from Dallas on March 23, 2010
Seriously, your husband is supposed to be shuttling people around when you are delivering twins and you already have a preschooler who needs to be cared for? The needs of you and your family come first- not the needs of either of your moms.
Have you considered what would occur if things were not apple pie easy? Actually, that is a non-question b/c I know you have thought about it a lot. But what if he really needs to be at the hospital with you and the babies.
How about your MIL comes for a visit after your mom has left. That way she can have special time with the new ones and special time with your older child. YOUR mother should be there to help because YOU are the one delivering. That is a standard and time honored tradition. If she squawks that she will have to pay a change fee for the flight- offer to pay it for her. I promise that $100 will be worth your peace of mind.
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