Middle School and Friends/Parents

Hi L.,
That would be difficult for me also. If I'm going to drop my child off at someone else's home, I want to meet the parents and spend some time with them so that I know what kind of environment they are going to be exposed to. My recommendation to you is to have a BBQ or picnic at the park where you invite parents and the middle school students. Then you can get to know them. Thanks,

I too am used to the close-knit community our local elementary school provided. Since I volunteered in my children's classroom a lot, I know most of the kids in my children's grades throughout elementary school. My older one is now in 10th Grade and I remember that feeling of isolation when he started middle school, when I hardly see any of the parents at school. I still volunteered at the middle school but those were grade-wide events, so I didn't gain any knowledge of the kids at all. I am like you in that I don't feel comfortable sending my children to friends' houses when I don't know the parents (at least would like to have met them, etc), and I still don't send my son to play with his friends at their houses until I learn more about the families from my son. I also see that many of his friends' parents would just drop them off at the curb when they come over. You have made extra efforts to meet your son's friends' parents by being outside when they drop their children off at your house. I realize it's just different parenting style and levels of supervision. I am comfortable with what I do and accepting what other people do. What seems important to me is knowing who my children hang out with, and knowing the kinds of kids they hang out with (whether they are academically strong kids, whether their parents set limits for them [whether they have limits on video game or computer time is a good indication of this for teenagers]). Over the years, I also found that my son tends to choose friends who are similar to him, in academics as well as in temperament, and fortunately I am quite comfortable with the way he is. Untimately, our kids will have to know how to choose friends on their own, so my protectiveness is increasingly being satisfied by seeing how my son picks friends/people to hang out with, knowing what they do when they are together, what they talk about, etc. I AM blessed that my son does talk to me about his friends and such, even though it's whenever HE wants to talk and not when it's most convenient for me to listen (so I try to be there when he wants to share). I don' know if this speaks to your concern or discomfort on the issue. I personally won't succumb to peer pressure to drop my son at a friend's house where I am not comfortable, where I don't know anything about his friend or his friend's family.

The fact that you want to know the parents of the kids that your children associate with is one of the best things you can do to protect your children. I have raised 4 children that are all now married with children of their own. I never, and I emphasize NEVER let my children go to a friend's home unless I knew the parents and something about what they allow their children to do. We live in a dangerous day with so many differenty types of preditors out there trying to wrongly influence our kids. If your children's friend's parents don't care to meet you, then only allow them to come to your house where you can be sure that only things you approve for your child will be allowed. When you meet other parents that want to know you before they allow their child at your house, that is already a safer place for your children than most places. Your kids might rebel against this, but it will be easier for them if you allow them to do most of the entertaining at your house. If your kids are too embarrassed for you to meet the parent's of their friends, then don't let them go. There are after all your children. Don't take risks.

Hi, I know what you mean. I have a 13 and 15 yr. old both girls at home, and two that are grown. Things seem to have changed over the years, it used to be common practice for parents to met. Once I went with my 15 yr old to her friends house stood at the and told the parents yes I am one of those parents that mets the parents and does random checks on my children to be sure they are doing as they tell me, and smile as I tell them this, it seems to me that the other parents don't mind it so much. Unless they have something to hide.I wouldent want my kids at there house anyway if that is the case.

L.,
My oldest child is on her second year in middle school, thankfully I know most of the parents of her friends as they have been friends for years. This year she made a couple of new friends, we have many parties at our house for superbowl, halloween, the first hockey game party, etc. She invited two of her new friends and the parents dropped the kids off and didn't even wait to make sure the kids made it to the front door before they drove off, I couldn't believe it. When one of the new friends had a party and invited my daughter I went in with her when she arrived and introduced myself and my daughter as well as asked a couple of questions that I feel I need to know about people I leave my kids with as well as a 5X9 index card with my cell phone number and my husband cell phone number in case of emergancy, my daughter also has a cell phone so if something made her uncomfortable she could call us with out having to ask to use a phone. Good luck
Amanda

If you want to meet the parents then go ahead and meet them. Don't worry about what other parents do. I myself am a very protective parent, but I don't always meet the parents right away, it depends on the situation and frankly I trust my daughter's judgment. I never worried as much about my boys, but I trust their judgment also. This is just one of many changes you will have to get used to as your children enter middle school and high school. You are so used to total control, knowing where they are at all times, etc., and one day you realize it can't be that way any more and it is very worrisome. Letting go of complete control, especially with your first child, is a hard thing, but it must happen as you prepare your children for Life.

Unfortunately,middle school is where the kids really start to assert their independence. This is also where kids fiends and attitudes change. It's very sad that a lot of parents don't want to get involved at that age. I remember thinking the same thing. My kid is in high school and I still expect to meet his friends parents, know where they live and what's going on. There have been some friends I said I prefer he did not hang around with, simply because I don't know the parents. You can approach the parent and introduce your self nicely. Give them an initial phone call. See if they respond. It's very difficult these days, to get parents with that age group to respond. However, there are several parents who do want to know others. Maybe start a coffee club or something. This is a good way to get to know the parents of the kids your kid wants to hang out with.

Good luck

My oldest is 9 and I have already run into this problem. I insist on meeting the parents, and this has, unfortunately, meant he has not had a play date this year at all. This is his first year in a new school and I am unaccustomed to this mentality of trusting my 9 year old to make correct judgments (that's what parents are for!) and trusting other parents, especially once I have seen how the children behave. I am young(under 30), but I was raised the same way I am raising my children. It is for their safety and it is my job, as their mom, to get to know their friends parents. Figure it this way if you need to: if they don't have an extra few minutes to talk to you, then they don't have time to supervise your child (realizing at this age they don't need direct supervision, but will they be around if someone gets hurt?). Just my two cents.

I had the same experience when my oldest started middle school. I simply insisted on following my rule of meeting the parents prior to any overnight or home visits. Even though many of the parents didn't care to do the same thing, they all respected our rule. I don't worry about those parents who don't care to meet me when their children come to our house but, I still insist on meeting them before my child goes to theirs. Better safe than sorry and it is a gret rule to live by.

Hi L. ~
Whenever my son asks if his friends can come over; I always ask him if his friend's parents know that they are coming over and if so; I ask for the telephone number anyway ~ just to confirm it. Also, if my son asks if he can go over a friends house; I ask the same thing: is it okay with Mr./Mrs. (Parent)and I'll call to confirm. It seems like a hassle sometimes; but it's a chance to speak with the parents (if you don't know them) and let's the friends know that you're keeping an eye on them. (I also ask the kids if their parents know they are at our house when a group of them knock at the door to play with our son ~also 13 years old).

I have three kids - 21 and 16 yr old twins (B/G) who I insisted on meeting parents when they were younger. It becomes difficult once they drive. I put the burden on my kids to let their friends know that I wanted to meet the parents if I did not know them. They never went on a sleepover or to a party if I did not speak with Mom and Dad to verify details. If they did not want to meet me, my kids did not go with them. This made the whole "dating" thing easier, too - they don't go with kids I don't know or get in cars with kids without my knowing. It is a consistent message I have always taught them that insures good safety. By the way...I pay them the same respect. I do not go off with people they don't know or in cars without them knowing. It works for our family. Good for you that you are establishing and sticking to a strong value system - good luck!

Hi L.! As an older parent, I found that the parents at the elementary school in our community also acted a bit strange, but I've used my age and the fact that we moved here from another country as my excuses. In the past three years here, though, I've noticed that the parents seem to have wanted to have connections or relationships with my children without wanting or attempting to have a relationship with me or my husband. This really causes me concern. It's true, though, what you say...and I think it gets even worse when the kids get to High School. With my son in Middle School, I've made it a point to meet the parents whether they want a relationship with me or not. My son spends time at the homes of two or three select friends and I've felt it necessary to meet the parents in person or I feel I can't leave my son at their homes. I've set up safe-guards. One is that I encourage my kids to have relationships with the members of our church. The other is that in any party-situation, I send my Middle School son with at least one of his High School brothers. Our community is full of gangs and the like. It's hard having to be this way, but my motto has always been "Safety First" and I feel there is strength in numbers. Oh, and one more thing that has seemed to help. I've gotten as involved in the community as much as possible. Get to know your superintendent, his staff, and be on as many school related public committees as possible. People will then get to know who you are and will recognize that you are the parent of the kids their own kids spend time with. I hope my ideas help. Too bad you don't live in our area, I'd want my son to be friends with yours! D.

Wow! I know what you mean! I have a daughter in middle school who has had friends stay the night at my house when the parents have never even met me. I find it absurd that you would let your child go into an environment that you know nothing about. I'm with you, I want to meet the parents and know if there are older siblings or family members that live in the home. You can never be too careful!

My daughter is also in her second year of middle school and we have always meet her friends parents. I have also found that many parents get so caught up in their own hectic lives and either don't care of just don't have time.

I have always walked up to the door and introduced myself when dropping off my daughter and or aranged to meet with the parents before hand or she dosn't get to go. I just can't see her going with people I don't know even if she know the child. Yes she is 13, however she is still a child and therefor still me responcability if somthing goes wrong :)
Some parents think I am a pain but I don't care.... :) I love my daughter :)