September 15, 2009,
K.H. asks from Waukesha, WI on September 12, 2009
I feel as if I am having a mid-life crisis. I am 35 yrs. old, I am a stay at home mom of 3 boys ages 6,4, and 2. One son in 1st grade, and the other is in 4k. I am having strong feelings about leaving my marriage. I have felt unconnected and very distant from my husband for the last 18 mos. We have been through marriage counseling twice without any changes. I have been to a new therapist recently alone who believes I am having a mid-life crisis. Since I have told my husband I don't know if our marriage is "fixable" he has done EVERYTHING to cater to my every need. He cooks, he cleans, he does laundry, he spends time with the kids, all things we fought about in the past just to win me back. I feel as if it's too late, and I've already checked out of this relationship unfortunately. I have such strong feelings up and down on a rollercoaster about what to do. I truly believe I married the wrong man for the wrong reasons. He's a great guy, I just don't think I'm in love anymore. Am I selfish? Is it wrong of me to feel like this? I have even wondered if my IUC (mirena implant) is causing these crazy feelings but I have it for over a year and it's been a very positive hormonal change (as opposed to the birth control pill previously on) Any feed back of similar situations you have been through would be greatly appreciated, I feel very confused and continue to see a therapist.
A.S. answers from Davenport on September 13, 2009
I had Mirena and it made me feel crazy. I think you should have it removed and see if that helps. If not, you can always get another one put in.
A.C. answers from Madison on September 13, 2009
It sounds as if you've been having these feelings for about as long as you've been on the IUD. Get the IUD removed. NOW!!
I was also on the IUD and it screwed with my hormones/body royally. It happened faster for me--about 6-9 months--but I literally thought I was losing my mind. Like you, I had all these unbelivable crazy ideas, was indifferent to my husband, and suffered horrendous pains all over my body, but mostly in my sides and back.
Some women just cannot take the concentration of either hormones (if yours has hormones in it) or the copper (for those IUDs that use copper as the contraceptive).
I was on the copper one, and six years AFTER I had the IUD removed, I discovered that I have three mutations on a gene in the P450 Chromosome that makes me a Poor Metabolizer, meaning my body is unable to detoxify toxins. I took a heavy metal toxicity test and discovered that I was very high in copper, almost severe. Clearly, for me the IUD was what had caused my symptoms all those years ago and was still making me sick. I was told I had Seasonal Affective Disorder and put on two very powerful antidepressants. Nope. That WAS NOT what was wrong with me.
Fast forward six years: I've detoxed my body three times and have been supplementing my body; Vitamin D3 was added. I no longer suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder and I am off ALL antidepressants. I was never "depressed" in the first place; my body was on toxic overload.
I would seriously look into this with your OB/GYN. FIRST, though, make sure you get the IUD removed. Before you do anything else, you want to make sure that you have the IUD out of your body. The genetic test I had taken was for the CYP2C9 test, usually taken for Warfarin to measure liver toxicity and dosage. HOWEVER, any genetic mutation that falls within the P450 Chromosome is going to place you at a greater risk for toxicity, because all of the genes that are in the P450 Chromosome family have something to do with helping the liver detoxify the body. Conventional doctors will state this is not true; however, researchers who research the P450 Chromosome and all natural and Integrative doctors will agree that this gene predicts your susceptibility to toxicity. My conventional doctor did the gene test for me, but I had to see an Integration Doctor for the heavy metal toxicity test and others.
This is not information that most OB/GYNs are aware of. However, almost immediately after I had the IUD removed, I felt better. Like, within days.
Please, before you make or follow through with any rash decisions, remove the IUD and see how you feel. You might even want to have a heavy metal toxicity test taken, to either rule out toxicity or to make sure you're not toxic. You'll need to do both a heavy metal toxcity AND a nutrient panel (it's a urine test; my doctor used Geneova Diagnostic Lab), because the Copper component shows up in the nutrient panel.
God bless, and good luck.
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J.W. answers from Minneapolis on September 13, 2009
I just want to respond to your "a little about me" statement: "Ready to return to the workforce and begin a new life."
Are you starting a job? Looking for one? Thinking about looking for one? I know that the hardest part for me of the choice to be a stay-at-home parent was releasing my professional ambitions for awhile. (We made the choice for me to stay at home because my income - in the arts - would never be enough to cover child care, my husband makes much much more than I ever will - even though in some ways his personality is probably much better suited to staying at home!) It can really feel like your world shrinks when you choose to stay at home - and that can really skew your perceptions of yourself, your children, your marriage, your home . . . I often find myself wondering "is this what I really wanted?"
The cure for me: work. Freelancing. If your career doesn't accommodate that, find volunteer projects (preferably ones that do not involve children.) Building a life for myself *outside* of my life as a parent and a spouse changed everything for me. I am a better parent and a better spouse when I periodically have some outside work. It keeps me grounded.
Stay at home parenting can be a grueling choice - some parents find it easy, I know, and I'm glad that it's an easy choice for them. But there's no shame in understanding the kind of life that you need in order to be your best self, and that life may include work outside the home.
Only you can know whether your relationship with your husband is so toxic that it is not worth rebuilding. It does sound like you are safe (physically and emotionally) with him, so I would suggest finding other ways to change your life before you give up on your marriage. I know that when I've felt most trapped in the house and far away from the working-self that I used to know, I've also felt a lot of resentment towards my husband. But, for me, it was not so much about my husband as it was about me personally making choices (like working) that were the right choices for me. Not that there may not be some rebuilding to do in your marriage - but people change, marriages change, many many many times over the course of a lifetime. Get yourself to a place where you feel confident and satisfied with yourself and then tackle how that new self changes your marriage. (It will change, but that doesn't mean it has to end.)
Best of luck to you. This is a really, really, hard place to be in, and many of us are in it with you.
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R.N. answers from St. Cloud on September 13, 2009
Love is a verb, not a feeling. Your husband loves you- keep him. If you need to feel love for him start doing things for him. Start making is favorite dinner, and doing other things that you know he will appreciate. Then you will start to feel real love for him.
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E.B. answers from Duluth on September 13, 2009
I have heard, from the "natural granola types" that the time period post-birth is often a low, low, low, sexually speaking. They have claimed that the post partum hormones kick in, and your priority becomes baby, not making another one. After two kids, I'd say that rings fairly true for me (our youngest is now 23 months, and just recently has my interest in sex revived). I would also say, because it is tough for me to have switched from a full time working mom (and loving it, feeling little guilt about leaving my kids), to full time at home mom, it's VERY hard to feel on equal footing to my husband. It has NOT done good things for our marriage. I am not depressed (been there, done that--this is NOT depression) but I AM very frustrated. My husband and I have talked it through, though, and he knows that this is the price of having moved closer to family (a mutual decision) and the lack of openings in my field (teaching) this year and last year. We know we'll stick it out, because we know it will change. There are definitely times I wonder if we're more like roommates--I married a nice guy, he does some things around the house--than my true love. People suggest time together, but sometimes that time is so short lived (an hour here or there) that all I do is get resentful--like I'm supposed to suddenly fall madly in love again, because I have an hour with him. What I forget, though, is that that hour DOES matter. When you combine that hour with another one next week, and another the next week, all of a sudden, I remember that we used to enjoy each other a lot more, and am confident we will again--and I'll stop picking on his every misstep. Anyway--I KNOW mine is somewhat hormonal, but even more, it's a product of our busy lives and my dissatisfaction with MY level of fulfillment, not in our marriage, but in MY life. Anyway--you don't SOUND like you want a divorce. You SOUND wistful, wishing you could figure out where things went wrong. If you have those feelings, I'd try to figure out what it is that's truly making you unhappy--feeling unfulfilled can make it very difficult to love and forgive another person. Anyway--this is just my experience; I see you have a lot of responses and I hope one of them rings a bell with you and helps out!
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S.M. answers from Eau Claire on September 13, 2009
I have been divorced and it is no fun! I can't tell you not to as you need to do what is right for you and your family, but really, if your husband is trying so hard to help it might help if you return the favor, even if your heart isn't in it. I think your heart may get into it over time. I WISH my ex would have tried as hard as your husband is. I begged him to make a few small changes, told him I was at my wits end and didn't want to divorce but couldn't continue the way were going and he refused to try, even though he said he loved me and didn't want a divorce either.
Love is a choice. You remake that choice every day. And marriage is work, all the time. But like any good work it has its rewards if you put your all into it. I'm very grateful that I have found a much better man. Life is not always perfect but I make a point to appreciate all the things I love about him and all he does for me and it makes the tough moments easier.
I do agree with the other moms who have stated that you should go back to work if that is what you want to do, or voluteer or start a new hobby. I've done the stay at home mom thing too and it does get tiring. You begin to feel in a rut. But I found a great part-time weekend job that I LOVE and it makes me feel like a real person again not just Mom.
If there is some other issue between you and your husband that goes deeper, then that is different. I guess that depends on what those "wrong reasons" for marriage were. But if you are really just feeling its a mid-life crisis and your husband is helping so much and being so patient, I would stick it out. But not passively, do things back for him whether you feel like it or not, it will feel better in time. And get out of the house! Do some fun things, both alone and with your hubby! You kind of sound like you need to find yourself again, but you don't have to leave your marriage and put that stress on your children to find yourself!
I greatly wish I hadn't had to get divorced. I hated to put my baby boy through that. But unfortunately, my ex had major anger issues (amongst other issues) and I was very fearful for my son's and my physical safety. I gave my ex chance after chance to get help, but he wouldn't follow through. You have it so much better than many other women, you should try to appreciate it even if it is hard right now.
I'm sorry if I sound preachy, I hope you understand it is your decision. I just know how much divorce sucks and I know many older couples who have been through "dead" spots in their relationships, but stuck it out, who have some of the happiest most beautiful relationships I've ever seen.
You must do what feels right to you. Good luck!
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C.O. answers from Minneapolis on September 13, 2009
Seven year itch - Eleven year Ditch.
I have been married for 14 years now - but believe me marriage is not always bliss. I heard the phrase above years ago - and I so believe its true - I think there becomes a point in a marriage / heck even in a person's life where their interested and priorities change, even become a bit restless. I too was a stay at home mom - I really felt as though I lost my own identity. Go out and do something for you - hobby, club, work. I would suggest to continue counciling and don't make any rash decisions regarding your marriage. I know many - now single - friends who struggle financially, divorse was very hard on kids, and even one if you were to ask her now wishes she was still married to her husband (not an option for her anymore).
I personally started with a party plan/direct sales business. I found that I made great friends, made some extra cash to help with the house (and just my personal extra's I wanted) and even was able to travel. I have been involved now for over 10 years. I would be happy to give you suggestions if you would like to "check" this out - you can email me at ____@____.com - Again, I am still married. Still have days where I wish I wasn't, and have those days where I really am glad that I am. Sounds like your husband still loves you - Have you tried to "date" again or go away on a second honeymoon?
Regardless you need to do what's best for you and your children. Look at all of your options and even forcast what consequences there are for each action.
Best of Luck
1 mom found this helpful
C.D. answers from Omaha on September 13, 2009
Oh, If I could tell you the number of times I felt this way when my kids were growing up I would've been on rotation at the court house. This is a perfectly normal feeling especially when you are at home taking care of the kids and house and you are generally unhappy at everything and everyone. You want your old individual carefree days back. Sorry to say you can't go back. But it does sound like you need an outside interest to get you back in the groove of things. I don't think it is your husband that you are having an issue with but your stay at home mom syndrome. This happens alot with women who had an active employment and thought staying at home with kids is what they wanted. Why don't you try getting a part-time job and other outside interests. Your children will survive and you might even find out that it wasn't your husband that was the issue but your own identity that you needed to recreate. Remember the grass isn't greener on the otherside. Having been a single parent, working and not having a spouse isn't exactly the way I would want to spend my life. Think it over very hard.
1 mom found this helpful
A.K. answers from Milwaukee on September 13, 2009
I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time. I can relate in a few ways to your situation. I'm 35 as well and my daughter (who will be the only child) is 2. I've been feeling like I'm going through a mid-life crisis as well. I don't know the answers. I guess I'm just trying to hang in there and contribute my feelings to needing more for myself and my daughter being more independent and not needing me as much. I can't tell you what to do. Just follow your heart and try to not be hard on yourself.
Take care of yourself.
S.S. answers from Milwaukee on September 13, 2009
Eager to see your responses. I have no advice to offer, but can tell you I"m in the same mental place as you are.
Maybe others can help us out.
R.K. answers from Appleton on September 13, 2009
Have the two of you tried getting away for a mini vacation? You may find it helpful if the two of you can find someone to take care of the kids for a weekend away and then go and reconnect with each other. If a mini vacation if not possible try dating agan. You will need a sitter one night a week and get out of the house and do somthing as a couple. Hopefully if you can reconnect with your husband the two of you will be able to reconnect again. Many couples go through a period of time when they cannot remember why they married their spouse or the love and passion that brough them together in the first place.
If you believe that the IUD is cauing you to have mood swings then have it removed. Talk to your doctor about other forms of birth control. You may also need to go back to work even if it is only part time. You may find working in retail very rewarding since it will give you the chance to talk and interact with a lot of people while you work and the employee discount will allow you to purchase clothing and other things the kids will need at a reduced price. I worked at a Penney's store and I was able to pick up clothes and other things for my family. I could shop after work and pick up stuff as the prices went down during clearance sales. I picked up bags full of clothes for $20, when their birthdays and Christmas came around I had 5-6 outfits including underware and socks that cost almost nothing.
Also remember that your body has gone through 3 pregnancies in about 7 years and the hormone highs and lows can greatly influence your thought processes. If your hubby is truely a loving and giving man who helps with the kids and housework and works he is a gem. Don't give up on this relationship but do the work that will bring you close again.
M.P. answers from Minneapolis on September 15, 2009
I am so sorry that you are going through this, but you are not alone. My parents are divorced - but my grandparents were married for over 50 years. When my grandfather passed away, my grandmother was so heartbroken - she willed herself to die 7 weeks later. I hear stories from my mom about them fighting and throwing things at each other and just couldn't believe it because what I saw was so much love. Every relationship has it's ups and downs.
I can't remember where I heard this, but it was an older man who had been married for over 60 years. When asked what the secret was he said that he and his wife had both fallen out of love with each other a time or two, but never at the same time.
I have thought about that many times over my 12 years with my husband. We don't always get a long and sometimes I can't stand the sight of him, but I just pray for the strength to get through it. Maybe you could tell your husband that you need to focus on you right now and start to find love for yourself, but you don't want him to stop loving you and ask him for patience. If he can do that for you - then he truely wants to make it work and once you have found happiness in yourself again - hopefully you will find love for him too.
K.L. answers from Minneapolis on September 13, 2009
Being an at-home mom of three young boys is enough to challenge anyone. You may be feeling desperate for SOMETHING to change, but it might not have to be your marriage. Look around and see what other things could be adjusted to increase your level of happiness. Being in love is a choice. If you do choose to stay, there are lots of ways you can rebuild your love and have a great relationship. Or maybe you're done. I can't tell you what to choose--only you can know what you want, and all wants are valid.
I do remember those years of wanting to get back to work, and two things helped me. One was another young mom telling me that these years of staying at home with the kids seem very short when you look back at them later, and it's smart to do what you can to treasure them while you have them. The other was reading a newspaper feature about a woman who started a whole new career after she was 65--and I realized that there's still time for work later, and I don't have to do everything at once.
Email me if you want to talk more about any of this. ____@____.com
S.R. answers from Appleton on September 13, 2009
Be thankful that your hubby is trying... mine didn't. I didn't want my divorce, but I was the only one trying at it.
I would suggest talking with your Dr. and getting off the IUD, if you think that is part of your feelings. Ask him/her about depression and anti-depressants. There is nothing to be ashamed of to be on them. It helps with your emotional ups and downs. It certainly is helping me.
Also, getting a job or voluntering (as some have suggested) may help you feel like you are "getting out" and having some "adult time"... even if it's just part-time.
Do everything you can first. It won't happen overnight. Give him a chance... you married him for a reason (right or wrong). You have four beautiful children as a result of it. Go to counseling together as well as on your own too. If then, after some time, if nothing has changed... you can say that you did everything you could to make it work out.
Only you know what's in your heart and what works out for you and your family. We mamas can only give suggestions.
I'm sorry that you are going through this. I hope things turn around and work out for you two. I truly wish the best for you.
R.S. answers from Des Moines on September 15, 2009
I am so sorry you are going through this. It really stinks! I have scanned a few of your responses just so I didn't get too redundant. I think mostly what I would say is yes, yes, yes...I agree with what people are saying. I think sometimes that we women get the raw end of the emotional deal, what with the hormones and all. Our entire lives can seem to be in the trash because of the way we feel. It is our present reality and it is absolutely real to us. But something can come along and give us a great boost--really straighten out our feelings and the whole world shifts back into a good place. So please don't make any big changes based on those feelings.
I have to respond specifically to one of your questions because it nearly broke my heart. NO, it is NOT wrong of you to feel this way! Feelings are not right and wrong. They are there and you cannot change them--technically. So please don't add guilt to the nasty stuff you are feeling already.
I am with you in suspecting anything that could be affecting your hormones. Can you find a health-care provider who can find out if your hormones are in balance and try to get you some help in getting them in balance?
I really want to give you some advice that will help you out of this place, but that would require knowing you better. If you find that you are wanting that kind of help, please contact me and we can chat. I will be praying for you.
T.B. answers from Minneapolis on September 13, 2009
K. - I've been married 22 years and I have felt the way you feel. My advice is to try to stick it out and look into some spiritual advice and also learn some ways to feel happy on your own. There are some great books out there - wish I could remember some, but look up Martha Beck and things on finding your inner peace. Stay with the marriage for the sake of the children now while working on your own happiness. Count your blessings - sometimes seeing them clearly really helps you feel better. Also, it's so easy to lose who YOU are when you are wife and mother and spend so much time on others. It looks like your husband loves you dearly. Trust me, you could easily fall back in love with him, or realize you don't want a life without him. You'll go through these ups and downs. Maybe the outside job is what will fulfill some of your needs. Maybe something else, but don't assume leaving the marriage is going to be the solution.
I also wonder if you are done having children if it wouldn't be better to do something permanent for birth control so you won't have to have this implant.....something to think about.
D.K. answers from Sioux City on September 13, 2009
Oh Honey! Love isn't a feeling. Love is a decision. It sounds like your husband really loves you. He has made the decision to be with you even though it is hard and it may not feel very good. Start doing kind things for him even though you may not feel like it. Get off the mirena implant. Those can make you crazy! Find something that doesn't alter your hormones.
I was in a position like yours. I wanted badly to leave my husband. I decided that I wanted to be a good mother more though. My husband could be mean at times. Instead of leaving I began to pray for him and for my marriage. I did kind things for him even when I didn't feel like it. Each time I did something nice for my husband I would tell God I was doing it because of him and that he was going to have to fix what was wrong. He absolutely did.
My husband and I have been together for fifteen years now. We held each other through the deaths of two of our children and I love him dearly. I know I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't decided to love him. All of our children adore him. They sleep with his shirts when he is gone for just one night. I can't even fathom how they would survive without him here in the same house.
I don't believe in midlife crisis. That's a cop out! Find a better therapist. That one isn't worth your time or money. Your money would be better spent finding a class you enjoy taking or buy your self a new outfit and go out on a date with your husband. Tell your husband "Thank you!" for all the loving he is doing. There aren't to many men that would do what he is doing for you.
A.S. answers from Davenport on September 13, 2009
I had Mirena and it made me feel crazy. I think you should have it removed and see if that helps. If not, you can always get another one put in.
C.G. answers from Davenport on September 12, 2009
I'm sorry for what you are going through. I don't think anyone can tell you what to do or how to feel. My only advise would be to talk to your doctor about your concerns with the Mirena. You mentioned that you are a stay at home mom but in your "A little about me" you say you are ready to return to work. Do you think that might have something to do with it?
N.L. answers from Minneapolis on September 14, 2009
Hi, I am a mother of two boys (ages 5 and 2) been married 7 years to a wonderful man. And the one piece of advice that I can give is hold on. Love in a marriage changes, it can't always be like it was in the begining, because people change. Love needs to grow, it is ever changing; when you and your husband brought children into this world your love for each other had to change a little each time to make room for them. Its not a bad thing, its just new --Take time to explore this, make more time for yourself before you make any major choices. Remember once your start a family it can't always be about you, it has to be about you all, yes make time for yourself but do not forget about the bigger picture. I hope you find the right path for you and your family, best wishes to you.
C.L. answers from Minneapolis on September 13, 2009
I know many of the others have already said this, but have the IUD removed and find something for yourself--job, hobby, volunteer position--and see how you feel six months later. Look into the possible depression that others are suggesting. This may seem somewhat insignificant, but do you exercise? I am mostly a SAHM and my trips to the YMCA keep me going. When my children were younger ECFE classes saved me. You could look into ECFE classes also. It might be too late for a fall class, but you could see if any classes still have openings or definitely find one for winter. With three kids that young and a husband who sounds like he's trying I would pursue divorce only as a last resort after trying everything else suggested by the posters, even if you think you married the "wrong man." As long as he's not abusive, cheating or has addiction problems I would give it another try. Good luck!
L.S. answers from Minneapolis on September 13, 2009
I'm not an advocate of divorce even though I am divorced. BUT...you said you believe you married for the wrong reasons - I think it's wrong to stay in a marriage for the wrong reasons too.
I agree that you should get a different therapist though. Bring up depression with him/her too, because I also sense you are depressed. The stigma of taking anti-depressants is long gone and they do wonders!
Even though being a mom is the most important job you have, volunteering or getting a part time job will help to build your sense of self worth, not to mention getting you in a different atmosphere for a few hours a day/week.
I would put divorce on the backburner for awhile yet and try the suggestions members have made first.
But like I said, if you truly make an effort and it still isn't working, staying in a loveless marriage is worse for the kids than getting divorced.
S.O. answers from Omaha on September 13, 2009
K., I hear what you are saying. You are feeling confused, down, and unhappy. Those feelings may be coming from a variety of things. Yes, your birh control may be part of the problem. Anything that affects hormones can really get the emotions out of kelter! Part of the feelings may just be part of the daily life at home with three active youngsters and wondering if this is all there is. Perhaps you need more adult conversation and activity. I hope you will not give up on your marriage at this point even if you are not feeling "in love" right now. There is a big difference from being "in love" and loving. I know you love your children and I think you love your husband but right now you are not experiencing the feelings of love. Real love is more than feelings. It is easy to love when the feelings are there and much more difficult when they aren't! However, when we marry and make those promises it means we decide to love even when the other person isn't very lovable or we don't feel like loving. It sounds as though your husband is trying to keep your marriage intact and I hope, for the sake of your children who need a father in their daily lives, that you will keep trying. Take a good look at your husband and try to focus on all the good things you see and decide to love him and encourage him. Talk to your doctor about perhaps using some other form of birth control. That may turn out to be a help. You may also want to see if you can find some adult activities that you enjoy - perhaps a job or volunteer work or just social interaction- and perhaps that can help you through this difficult time. Good luck and please let us know how things go. I'm praying for you.
N.K. answers from Green Bay on September 13, 2009
Correct if I am wrong, but it sounds like you are experiencing depression like symptoms that may be associated with post-partum depression, as well as hormonal changes due to the IUD. If possible, I would discontinue use of the IUD and see if the negative feeling towards your husband change. During the next few weeks try doing things for yourself...I know how exhausting it can be to be a full-time mom, I did it for 2 years and I felt just like you. I questioned every decision I had ever made, including having children. In January of this year I returned to work and about 2 months after that I stopped using the nuvaring. I felt like a new person and my husband has noticed that I am back to my old self! No meds, just my natural hormonal balance and time for myself at work everyday has made a world of differnce. It sounds like your husband is making an enormous effort to stay together, I would give this a try...if not for him, then for you and your children, they need a mom and a dad!!! Also, I agree with Dana. Find another therapist because if she is encouraging a woman with 3 children and a wonderful husband that is doing everything he can to stay with you (you admitted to that), she is not a good therapist. She is supposed to be on your side and leaving your husband is NOT the best choice given your situation. She should be helping you work through your depression and explore options of birth control. I am not only speaking from experience, I am speaking as a professional in the field of psychology. If you need to contact me privatly for advice, please do. Mid-life crisis is not a diagnosis.
E.K. answers from Milwaukee on September 13, 2009
Wow, enjoy the time he cooks and cleans and does the laundry and spends time with the kids even if it a first. I have gone in and out of thinking life may get better without my mate. But then I realize my children will go through trauma of a divorce and I may or may not find another man that even comes close to what my husband has brought to the table. To fantasize about starting over may seem fun..but the reality is you will probably have the same issues in another relationship and your life will get a lot more complicated. I would suggest looking with in and looking at your own life. Is it truly your relationship that is getting you down or is it a void coming from with in?? If that is the case leaving, will not help. Good luck and hang in there girl. Marriage is tough work. I can agree with that but if you husband is finally stepping up to the plate...enjoy it. I got a job during my "midlife" crisis, started painting and making sure I get time for myself and I am realizing I am a person again. Also, we have realized counseling is a healthy and important part of our marriage and will probably keep doing it. Our counselor likes to call himself a relationship coach and we see him once a month, it used to be once a week, when we don't it is obvious. Best Wishes to you and your family.
M.W. answers from Green Bay on September 13, 2009
So sorry you are going thru this! I don't know much about the IUC - however i do hormones can play lots of tricks on you! I had severe depression for years - tried every drug and therapy out there and nothing worked! when i went off of birth control 2 years ago - it completely went away! And i am a very happy content person.
look into the hormone thing some more before you give up on your situation. best of luck!
D.D. answers from Sioux Falls on September 13, 2009
I applaud your bravery to post this note and can appreciate where you are coming from. My advice for what its worth is to hang in there with your therapist, and talk with your doctor about your mirena. I was left by my husband about a year and a half ago while he was going through a mid life crisis. I can't tell you how horrible it is for you and your children, so many nights of my little girl crying for her dad and wanting things to be like they were. Leaving your marraige because you have changed your feelings without a major life change will be so hard for you once you do it. And if you change your mind again, he may not give you a second chance. I hope you and your husband can find love again.
J.O. answers from Wausau on September 13, 2009
Have any of your therapists or regular doctors suggested you take an anti-depressant just for a short term period to see if it helps stabilize you? It might be worth asking about.
A.L. answers from Wausau on September 13, 2009
I'm definitely with the other mothers who suggested depression and I'm surprised your Therapist hasn't come to this conclusion as well.
When a lot of people think of post-partum depression, they think it has to happen right away after the baby is born. I found out that it could just not start until anywhere up to around a year after the baby comes along - looking at the age of your youngest, this makes sense.
Even if you never had PPD after your first and second child, you could definitely be experiencing it now. I did not have depression problems after my first but I had them right away after my second and about 9 months after I had my third. So I do suggest that you consider taking steps to manage depression before you do anything drastic.
The other thing I wanted to comment on is that you're saying your husband is doing sweet things now. Everyone is telling you that you should enjoy it and that he obviously loves you because of his actions. I think back on a past relationship where the man was somewhat emotionally abusive. After we would have a fight and he thought I might actually leave him, he would suddenly turn into the sweet guy he was pretending to be when we first got together. And that would last a certain amount of time before he would go back to his old ways.
If your husband was never caring and helpful in the past, it could be that he HAS suddenly had an epiphany and realized how bad he was treating you. OR it could be that he is desperate not to lose you and is grasping at whatever he can until he gets control over the relationship again.
Of course, no one can possibly understand exactly what your relationship with him is. I just wanted to give you another perspective and caution you about making an important decision in the middle of having drastic mood swings.
The advice of doing things for yourself is also a very good one. Good luck with everything!
J.J. answers from Omaha on September 13, 2009
You sound like you might be depressed. I think before you make any rash decisions about your marriage you need to investigate the mirena implant as it affects your feelings. This implant directly affects your hormones and we all know when our hormones are out of balance we can feel sad, lonely, crazy, angry, and depressed,...etc.... You said you've been feeling this way for about 18 months and you've had the implant for over a year. This very well could be the connection.
I personally struggle with pms and hormonal imbalances. It severly affects my family life including my marriage at times. I generally feel hopeless during that time, which, without treatment, is about 10 days before I start my period. I've felt so hopeless that I've made plans to move out and take the kids. Then a week after my period those feelings disappear and I'm saying to myself "why did that make me so mad and crazy?"
My son was on Singular for Asthma for 6 months. It was a wonderful drug for preventing asthma symptoms;however, we later realized that this same drug turned him into to monster! He had great anxiety, racing thoughts, uncontrollable mood swings. We were at our wits end with him when my pharmacist neighbor suggested that it could be the medication. We took him off of it and wow! we now have our sweet, happy, easy going child back. Yes, he has worse asthma problems, but we just have to use other meds. It wasn't worth it to make him feel that way.
My point is - any medication especially hormonal ones, can cause a number of mood problems.
Something else to think about is what a separation/divorce will do to your children. Your husband clearly sounds like he loves you and wants to do what it takes. I've been married 15 years and fell out of love many many times. Love changes as you grow in your marriage. I certainly love my husband very differently than I did when we first married. I've met many other husbands over the years, through the eyes of their wives, who don't show love like my husband does. My husband is like yours. He wants me to be happy and he'll do anything for me. He loves me so much and I'm not good at showing my appreciation for him. I've watch friends go through divorce and the nastiness that comes out is unbelievable. You think you're unhappy now, you will come close to going over the edge if you leave. It gets expensive and ugly. You're clearly not in any harm and he's not cheating on you. I think you need to think about how good he really is and how YOU can CHANGE yourself!!! I've been through this. Sometimes I have to force that smile to start my day. YOU are the heart of your family. Try hard to come out of this - get help and find a way to stay. In the end you will have chosen the greater good!!!!
I'm a child of a divorced/divided family and I have vowed to do whatever is possible to give my children a wholesome home. I hope you can figure out a way to do this too. '
K., I'm not trying to lecture you, but just trying to say what I have experienced and I hope will help you.
I will pray for you.
J.B. answers from Minneapolis on September 13, 2009
Recently at our church, they had a Bible class on Fireproofing your Marriage. The class was also designed to watch with the movie FIREPROOF. The movie doesn't have the best actors in the world in it BUT, the message is good and maybe what you should hear about "how" and why marriage is a constant work in progress. It has Kirk Cameron in it (remember him??). Anyways, you can rent the movie at "Redbox" at many McDonalds locations. I believe it is still there otherwise, try Blockbuster. It is definitely worth seeing and important for you to look into as you consider your future goals. The movie again is not all about religion but more about strengthening your marriage. It might be good to watch twice - once alone and once with your husband.
S.W. answers from Minneapolis on September 13, 2009
Go get a job, any job, to get out of the house. Please don't make any decisions about your marriage until you do. Being a SAHM is NOT for anyone (not for most of us in my opinion). For help getting a job, check with the WorkForce centers (http://www.mnwfc.org/) nearest you, or get a career coach (http://www.minnesotacoaches.org/displaycommon.cfm?an=1&am....