MIA Daddy

Hi, I just came across this thread, thought I'd share my thoughts...
I was a single mom for 7 years and the biological father wasn't involved. He lived two states away and had all kinds of issues (legal, health, drugs, etc). I told my daughter that she had a "biological father", but he had some problems and couldn't be around, but that someday I would meet the right person and get married, and then she'd have a daddy. Thankfully, that's exactly what has happened!
Anyhow, I think once she asked what kind of problems her bio father has, and I just said "health". I tried not to bad-mouth him, especially when my daughter was little, and I think that's important.
Good luck!

This is a very tough situation and there is little you can really do to keep it from happening, he is going to ask, sooner or later, but as young as he is there is very little you can tell him that he will understand. I would try to deal with the exact question he asks and nothing more, could be he asks who his daddy is and a name ends the conversation, if not them you need to continue to answer his questions as honestly as possible wihotu bad mouthing his father. it won't be easy on either of you but it is soemthing that you'll have to deal with. i've never had this problem with my kids but my SO thought he had a son, turns out he didn't and we still saw the child and had him ask us these things often at 3, and 4 years old. we told him what we knew and that his daddy loved him very much but wasn't able to see and that we weren't sure why but that he had us and his mom and his family and we all loved him very much, and he hasn't asked about it again since. we cried and he ried but in this day and age where most kids have single family homes he goes to preschool and sees that he isn't the only one and tha he does have more than a lot of other kids andhe seems ok with it,he knows who loves him even if he doesn't have a real daddy. good luck.

The truth is always a good place to start. Simplified in terms he can understand of course. You don't have to go into the drama, sometimes a really simple really is all a child needs and wants. Something as simple as "Your Daddy and I don't get along well so he lives in another state/city/country."

When my brother asked about my half sister's mother when he was about that age my mother simply told him that our dad was married to her before but they didn't get along anymore. He smiled said "ok" and walked off to play with his toys.

As your son gets older and asks more question you can explain things better. Just keep things simple.

Good luck!

Just wanted to tell you that your one of the best mom's I know and things will work themselves out with lil guy. He is a very curious child and these questions are natural. Just keep being the mom that you are and he will turn out just fine. I don't know advice on the particular question because I have never been there. But I do know that you love him very much and he is a great kid and knowing that mommy loves him is one of the most important things always... Love ya Girly... A.

I too have a son whose father has never been involved. He is extrememly close to my dad who he calls Poppa. when he was around 4 (when he started preschool and was around other kids and thier parents) he started asking about why he doesnt have a daddy and if Poppa is his daddy etc. I explained that some mommies and daddies are ready to be mommies and daddies and some arent. And maybe someday his father will be (though I know he will never be around and also the fact that my fiance is adopting him). I didnt want to paint a bad picture of his father but I also didnt want to think it was my sons fault. He is 7 and 1/2 now and still asks more in depth questions about his dad and I answer what I can without making his dad out to be the jerk he is for abandoning a beautiful little boy. He now calls my fiance dad occasionally and still has a very close relationship to my dad. Just be the best mommy you can be and in time he wont miss not having a daddy. I raised my son on my own for 6 yrs and he never missed having a daddy.

~M. Mommy to Darien ( 7 1/2), Allison (2) and T.J. (2-8-08)

Hi L.,

I have to completely disagree with the woman who says to tell a THREE year old the truth. I think living a life of rejection (in his mind) by his own father since this age would be more hurtful than beneficial!
What a ridiculous suggestion.

With the being said, I have a cousin who grew up this way and is still hurting at 22. It is so sad that a men can walk away from their child ... Having children is a blessing but I must say at the right age, with the right person is key.

Mt husband was very hurt by his mother always being critical of their dad, right or wrong, they are part of him forever so I would stay away from being critical of him.

I, at this age, would try to focus on: your father's name is blah blah, maybe show pictures, he is not here because he is far away. Eventually you can explain more, have him write a letter and mail it, telling the father his son is asking about him. No reason why the man shouldn't know this child is suffering because of his selfishness.
I am sorry for your son, I can't imagine ....

well the only thing i can say about when he askes about his daddy tell him the truth because he will eventuall find out the truth and if you lied about him he will be very upset there was a sistation with my father he was gone when i was about a year old and my mom lied to me about him i didnt find out the truth till i was about 15.. just tell him the truth its for the best even if you dont think so but in the future it will make all the difference. for ther other question im not really sure about that sorry . but good luck on everything ..

This is a very sad story. Every child needs a Mom and a Dad. When he asks questions regarding his father never speak negative about him. Never. Let him know that Granddad has enough love to give and right now that is his dad, Granddad. When he is older, Much Older, you can explain a little more but even then, not one negative word. His selfesteem is worth more than whatever the truth may be. When he is older in about 3 yrs. you can put him in a organized cub scout troop and through church he may be able to bond with a male counterpart. Let him know Granddad is there for him always.

I would tell him pieces of the truth but not all of the truth. Do it in stages. First time the question is brought up, make sure you can devote a real amount of time answering him. Not just in Wal-Mart where he happens to ask. Sit down with him and tell him what you think he's old enough to hear. Maybe in a few years when he's older fill in the rest of it. If you word it right, he is a lot less likely to feel any rejection.

First of all, All of our children are beautiful. My youngest daughter looked like a cabbage patch doll but she was the most beautiful baby ever. It shows you love him and are very proud of him. My grandson is 14 months old today his father is AWOL. He has never seen him. The thing I would like to say which may hurt some but not intentionally. Your son is more than likely better off without him in his life. My grandson is lucky both of his grandmas are tomboys. Myself and my daughters step mother. When he asks about his dad dont lie to him but do not dis the dad to him. Someday he may want to look for his dad. Let him form his own opinion of him. I think it is great that your fiance takes time with him and treats him as his own and wants to adopt him. It is far better to have a positive role model for him during these impressionable years than to have a dad that doesnt want to be around him. Keep up the good work with him. He will grow up to be a fine young man as long as you continue doing what you are doing now. Never feel guilty because his dad isnt in his life. I used to with my oldest. And one day I realized my daughter seemed sad alot. The children of today have a hard enough time growing up without that kind of thing to bring them down. I wish you and yours all the luck with your son.

I am not sure if this is the right advice or not, but I have found that tots are pretty smart. Be honest with him when and if he asks. Do not go into any detail about the circumstances. He doesn't need to know everything. If you don't know where the dad is, tell your son that you don't know. If you do know, tell your son where his father is. I'm not sure where to go after this. I just know that being honest is the best way to go.

Hi L.,
What a tough situation. I guess I agree most with Janice. My son is three years old, and although he is pretty smart, he could never understand all the dynamics that make up a relationship. Just try to keep your responses short and simple, and when he gets older, explain more to him. I also agree with getting him involved in church groups or cub scouts to bring other positive male influences into his life. Good luck, and know that in the end, you are his best friend and his biggest influence, and you will give him the confidence he needs to learn the truth about his father when
he is older.

I have two daughters a 6 year old who has cancer and a 4 year old. I am divorced as well and I live with my mom and 2 aunts. My ex is out of the picture and does not care for over 3 years. I am thrilled and very happy for this. With the problems with my 6 year old and all of her challenges it would devistate her. I allow her to call my best friends husband dad (she understands he is not really her dad but is like a dad that loves her and her sister just like one) and it helps. It is awesome that your son loves your dad and if that is what he needs then you should let it be.

They will ask questions and just answer them very very basic. My daughter asked "do I have a daddy?" and I told her yes but he is not around. She did not ask anymore. My other one asked me "will we have a daddy" and I said maybe one day but right now I love you like a mommy and a daddy should.

I hope this helps.