Mental Meltdown in Progress

Oh, S., my friend, I am right there with you. I have three children, and I've always been a very academic, curious person. Here are a few things that have helped me stay mentally active:
--La Leche League! It's a non-sectarian group for breastfeeding mothers and toddlers are always welcome at meetings. The women there are deeply committed to mothering, but they are usually very informed and are making educated, deliberate choices about childrearing. Listening to them at meetings and sharing ideas with other women gives me a lot to think about. Many LLL groups also host "Enrichment meetings," where they invite community presenters to share info about a topic outside of nursing. Some of my best friends are women I've met through LLL. All services are free, and I highly, highly recommend getting in touch with your local group (find it at www.llli.org) as a sanity-saving resource for now and for when your baby arrives.
--Exercise. I am not naturally athletic, but I try to go to the gym a few times a week before my family wakes up. My husband works long hours, so going first thing in the morning is really my only chance to make a break for it and have some time to move around and feel healthy without a child riding on my hip! Getting regular exercise has made a big difference in my mental health. If you can budget for it, consider hiring a personal trainer to meet with you a couple of times right as you hit the six-week-postpartum mark. (Or you could just find a workout buddy.) This will give you something to look forward to and help you commit to staying as healthy as yo've been during pregnancy.
--Get up early. I am NOT a morning person. And you're about to be a "What day is it?" person as you enter New Mom Time for a few weeks. That is OK. You should get as much rest as you can. As my midwife says, don't stand when you can sit, don't sit when you can lay down, and don't just lay down when you can hook that baby up and sleep. Proper rest is therapeutic and healing. But I am much less irritable on the days when I get up early enough to have a little slice of time for myself before all the action starts around here. That's when I can read or email or study something uplifting (scriptures, perhaps, or a classic book or even just a Newbery book with the Cliffs Notes or a reading guide to help me ponder it in a deeper way). Journal writing is also nice to help me remember that I do have thoughts, not just chores. ;)
--Classes. They are a great idea, but they can quickly leave you over-extended if you try to do too much. I studied Spanish in my pre-mom life, and I recently signed up my children for Spanish classes. I take my baby and three-year-old and attend one of the mommy-and-me style classes and it's been great fun for all of us. We listen to the CDs together and it's been good for me to have a refresher course. We can talk about things we learn in Spanish class while we are doing our regular, less interesting chores.
Online classes are a great idea if you just do one at a time (having a crowded schedule is likely to leave you overwhelmed and resentful, not mentally stimulated, I can say from experience). I don't know what your religious preferences are, but Deseret Book.com offers thought-provoking online classes at a very reasonable cost. Many of their classes address personal growth and spirituality, so they give you lots to think about. Finding a book group can also be an intellectually-stimulating outlet. Libraries often have seminars and meetings that are free and don't require an eternal commitment to occasionally attend.
--Audio books. I love the comment someone made about NPR. Often when I am nursing a little baby down at night, I will listen to a book on CD. This gives me a chance to direct my thoughts as I rock the baby. I don't have to turn pages or turn on the light, and it's OK if I fall asleep, too, because I can just find where I left off next time. Audio books can be good while exercising, too. The library has a great selection and you're not out anything if you accidentally choose one you don't like.
--Attitude. This is not a lecture about how to just put on a smiley face and you'll be fine. Motherhood can be very isolating and discouraging. I felt so jealous this summer when a single friend of mine went off to India to do amazing volunteer work in a leper colony. I wanted to do cool projects and go to cool places, too. It took me awhile to realize it (and I have to re-realize this often) but I AM doing cool things. I don't get paid or praised, so it's hard to remember that my work is valuable, but it IS, and so is yours. Peggy O'Mara, the author of Mothering magazine (which is excellent and highly recommended) says "The most important things in life are invisible. Air. Love. God. The work of mothers." You take care of the invisible needs of the world, and that is vital.
I try to tuck something into my head early in the morning and then ponder it during the day when I'm doing menial work. This way, my brain is never empty and never stagnating.
You might like a subscription to "Brain, Child." It's a great magazine of essays that are very well-written (and often funny) and discuss many issues about parenting that mainstream magazines ignore. Remember, seeing their parents read for pleasure is the number one factor in creating children who enjoy reading and read well. So, by reading books or magazines that stimulate your mind, you are setting a healthy example for your children.
My might also like the book "The Big Rumpus" by Ayun Halliday. It's kind of a "mom-oirs" book written by a woman as she was transitioning from one to two children, and her reflections on the ins and outs of motherhood as well as the 'zine project she started to help her feel less isolated and more mentally stimulated. It's also laugh-out-loud funny and one of my all-time favorite books that keeps it real with no nauseating use of expressions such as "feeling the wonder and awe of being with my baby." Sure, I feel that way sometimes, but I don't need it crammed down my throat, thank you very much.
I hope this helps. It's not a requisite of motherhood that you have to turn your brain off. Hang in there. And congrats on your growing family.

2 moms found this helpful

just wanted to send you a hug and remind you that anything you do, you are already multi tasking. your body is really busy working towards a very important goal of making your baby. it takes the energy of climbing a mountain every day. I always told my husband the back of my brain was so busy building the baby there wasn't much brain power left for the front of my brain to do anything else.
if you can enjoy the simplicity of the moments in life right now, I challenge you to do that--for some that is never possible, and I understand that as well. I saw you had lots of suggestions. I just wanted to write in and say HUGS. you are doing an amazing and important job.
on the feeling like it could be baby blues...talk to your OBGYN about it. My hormones whacked out when I was pregnant and I went on a low dose of celexa when I was still pregnant and believe me, my life, my husbands life...it was SO much the better for it. and my almost 4 year old daughter is healthy, strong and happy to have had a happy mommy...just a thought.
be gentle with yourself...you're climbing a mountain.

1 mom found this helpful

Oh boy, your post strikes me to my core. I'm right there with you, sister.

I too need mental stimulation that isn't on the level of a two year old. I too refuse to put my kids in day care and am grateful I don't have to. Just because I choose to be a stay at home mom and am grateful to be one doesn't make it easy. It is TOUGH not being with other adults all day and doing mindless activities like dishes and laundry all day long.

I'll tell you what has worked for me and absolutely saved my insanity.

NPR.

I LOVE national public radio. My favourite shows are Diane Rehm, Talk of the Nation, and Radio West (this one's only in UT). There are several other excellent shows as well.

These shows talk about the state of the nation, politics, books, you name it. It is intelligent adults speaking thoughfully about interesting things.

I feel like, as a SAHM, that the radio has become my instructor and my kitchen and car (where I listen) my places of higher education. The shows have guests that represent both sides of an argument and allow them to debate and answer questions in a reasonable and thoughtful way (unlike those yellers on am radio). You can listen live or download podcasts from their websites or from itunes. I love that because of NPR I have interesting things to say in conversation when I do meet with other adults, rather than just the latest develomental milestone my toddler hit or my latest pregnancy related ache.

I also read a ton. I joined Goodreads.com and keep track of my books there. I love fiction and non-fiction as well. Whenever I'm curious about learning something, I pick up a book. I probably go to my library 1-2 times a week. I also made a goal to read all 50 books in the Easton Press' Great Books of the 20th Century collection. Some of it is easy and pleasurable. Some of it is tough and pushes me.

Join or establish a book club. Invite people over to your house to talk about the book while the kids play in the basement.

Start a blog. Try to write intelligent and meaningful posts. It doesn't have to be dedicated to one topic or anything. It can just be whatever you're thinking about and the goings on of your family, but try and be creative and articulate.

Pick up a hobby. Have a sewing circle at your home once a week. There are tons of fun projects you can work on. I'm not a great seamstress, but I am teaching myself by making stockings, matching aprons for me and my daughter, my daughter's halloween costume, curtains, baby blankets, etc.

You can take a class through community education in your local school district. You can learn yoga, ballroom dance, drawing, sculpture, a foreign language.

Learninng a foreign language would be a wonderful thing! You could take a class or get some software and really work hard at it. It would probably be best if you picked a language that someone you know speaks, so that you can practice with an actual person. Then you can make a goal that in a year or two or five you will travel to that country for vacation.

Just a few ideas to keep you going until your life allows you to go back to a university.

Let us know how it goes and what you do! Good luck.

I am the same as you when it comes to having to get out of the house to maintain being happy. And as for functioning on the 2 yr old level, I totally know what you mean. The best thing that I have found to keep me feeling sane is working p/t. And by p/t I mean only one day a week. It's awesome!! I have adult conversations all day and feel like a women again and not just a mommy. What works out the best is that my hubby watches the kids for that day, so no daycare. I work when he is off work. By just working one day a week it totally revitalizes me for another week. Hope this helps.

Good luck with the new baby! :)

Hi S.,
Sounds like you need an "outside" job! There is NOTHING wrong with that and I'm honestly tired of this attitude that if you work and put your kids in day care that you are somehow hurting your kids! I have a 2.5 year old and a 13 month old. I have to work due to the economy and they are in day care - and I think it's a great thing! They have tons of activities, the staff is loving, they learn a great deal, and they have fun. That said, I would prefer if I only worked 24 hours a week - 40 hours a week IS a long time to be away from mom. Your kids would have a blast if you just worked part time and put them in day care. And have you thought about a part-time nanny? You could put a job request on the online job board at DU or Colorado Christian University or some other school and get a part-time nanny for $10-12/hour. We had a nanny for 5 months when my second son was an infant. It didn't work in the long term but it was mostly because my husband's work schdule changed and we couldn't make it work. Anyway, best of luck and don't feel like you are harming your kids if you choose to work!

Hey Sister,

First I want to offer a good natured (((HUG))) I think all moms, myself included, get very excited when we have the opportunity to have an intelligent conversation, or experience some mental stimulation once in a while after living in binky, boo-boo, and mama land for so long. I have alot to say so I hope you read everything. .

I understand , too the feeling that you are not contributing or letting folks down because you're not bringing home money and awards, or grades. BUT what *is* marking your progress right now is your two year old's development and his/her ability to communicate and adjust to this incredibly crazy world. The smile on thier face when you point out the butterfly or squirrel they missed. The first time they get their ABC's right. The moment you notice that they don't cry when you walk out of the room because they've learned to trust you are "coming right back". The first time they say "I love you, Mommy" all by themselves without you saying it first. I could go on for days about all the progress marks that are associated with motherhood, and at the risk of sounding like a cheesy cliche these marks of progress are like the nod of God him/herself (sorry, sorry I am not completely sure who God is but it sure feels like He/She is involved). You are getting a doctorate from the University of Life Love and Everything that Matters.

Now, that doesn't mean that you don't need, or feel that you need to get involved in something else, I just want to encourare you, as someone encouraged me once, that you ARE doing something important. There are a few things that I can think of that might possibly add some spice to your day.

1. You could get involved with a local (within walking distance would be great) organization, a Mom-2-Mom type thing where you could vent, exchange ideas, and get involved with community needs/events.

2. Writing a blog is a very good way to organize thoughts, share with others, inspire yourself and others. Also, it will serve as a realtime diary of motherhood that you and your children will have a fun time looking over in the future.

3. You could leave the kiddos with pop for the evening one evening a week and take ONE class at your local J.C.

4. To kick off WHATEVER you decide to do, you might truly benefit form calling in Grandma for a weekend so you can take an opportunity to get some rest for yourself and your 2 year old and binge on activities that inspire, stimulate and excite your thought processes.

This is all I got for ya'. I hope you get alot of replies and ideas.
And I hope you find it in your heart to give yourself a break.

Good luck,
T.

Oh I can relate - - I also didn't want to put my kids in daycare but thought I was losing my mind! Over the course of the last year, I've gotten really involved in various volunteer activities that either involve my children or that I can do when my husband gets home. One thing that I do with the my kids (3 and 1 when I started) is delivering Meals on Wheels every Monday morning. We pick up and deliver 5 to 6 hot meals every week so it isn't a huge commitment and the older folks (mostly shut-ins) really delight in seeing the children. We've had a few rough moments when people want to chat and my kids want to go but overall, it has been a wonderful experience. Having a set commitment every week helps give me some structure and is helping teach my children about our community. After starting this, I've found myself involved in several different activities... the first step was the hardest. :)

Obviously this may not be what you are interested in doing but I really recommend finding some way to get involved in your community... it has helped me a TON! I now actually know I can "make it" until it is time for my youngest to start school and I can go back to work. I definitely feel like a better mom, too. Good luck!

Your first goal is to have baby #2! Once that's out of the way things will pick up, promise!

The 2nd goal should be your degree. Start with one class at a community college. One. Take something that interests you. Then move on and look at putting together a general arts or sciences associates degree. You can then transfer to a 4 year university and worry about what you'd like to major in.

Personally, I couldn't encourage my kids to attend college and it's importance unless I could demonstrate it. That's me though. Education opens doors.

I love story time at the library my son can enjoy the stories I can talk to other moms.

I also like to go to the YMCA and work out where he can go to child watch and I get a small break.

I like to read, and find books great for nap time, but magazines better for other times because they have shorter blocks and are easier to carry.

I also have a home business I do part time. I can make goals. There is a team environment I enjoy. It is also nice because I can do it around my son and other activities.

Enjoy them while they are little, it seems to go so fast.

S.
Mother to Kai
www.HomeWithKai.info

I would get checked out right away. At least get in with a therapist to talk. I got depression early on with my pregnancy and it got really bad for me and my family.It is very likely that you could be getting a change in your hormones and a doctor can help prescribe something for that.

Have you considered trying a home based business like scentsy or Avon? You would be able to focus on your business during the day and also get a break at nights when you do parties and bring in a little money. There are TONS of home based businesses you could look into.

What about a few online classes or those classes you can take at community centers for yourself? Nothing that you have to "major in" just something you would enjoy - like photography or some other art class?

You have so many great ideas already, and I didn't read all of them, but.... Have you thought about writing a "Memory Book" - all the cute things your daughter says or does, or a journal, or a scrapbook to pass onto your children when they're older or you could create one as a Christmas gift for grandparents - those can be never-ending, or you could find a MOPS group to get plugged into - they meet twice a month, plus have playgroups and Girl's Nights Out, so you can have some "non 2 year old" interaction! I can get you more info on ours if you want!

You might want to explore what non-credit classes are available at a local community center or college. If you are too far from there, online courses may be a possibility. Don't worry about a major at first, learn something new that you are interested in.

If you are interested in history, see what you can learn about the area where you live. There are historical societies and museums that have a wealth of information and a need for volunteers to discover more.

Another possibility is to volunteer with a local literacy center or library and spend a few hours a week teaching someone else the skills that you have. That will enrich both you and the student.

N.

I know it seems kind of silly, but local rec centers have fun little workshops ranging from cooking to hand made card classes. They are much cheaper than enrolling in school, and much less of a long term commitment. Beyond that, they offer different things each month, so you can try new things on a constant basis. Most classes are twice a week, for an hour or two. It's a way to get out of the house, sans kids, and even meet other people in your neighborhood who share common interest.

i can really relate to your situation, i am in a very similar one except i have only one 12 month old son. i have been going through the same battle since he was born. i need to have a goal or an activity to keep me sane and happy. i have just been patient up until now, and i luckily have a part time job starting in a month for 10 hours a week. this is enough for me to have an adult life away from my family.. i am fortunate my husband will be able to watch our son so i can choose not to send him to day care if i wish. i am actually wanting to send him to daycare a couple mornings a week for him to make friends and play with other children his age. in my area there are no play groups and i have no friends with small children so it has been very isolating for me. it is important for you to have an activity of your own to keep you a happy mom! with another on the way perhaps you could let your daughter go to a day care a couple mornings a week just so you could have a little break with you new one? best of luck and know you are not alone on this!!

Hey S.! What about a home based business? That's what I have found keeps my sanity and really keeps my mind going. I also second the MOPS group. Let me know if you need info about it. ###-###-#### Have a great day!

Maybe a class at the YMCA for some sort of art & craft for the both of you? It's not everyday but its one thing to add to rid the monotany (sp?). i actually went back to school part time online for the general business degree but you can take continuing ed courses for things like religious history. Another thing you can do is volunteer work. Salvation Army is always looking for help for people who live at home and are disabled (from needing a ride to the doc to home cleaning). DFL is always a fun time as well. They need dog walkers and rabbit socializers. If anything, you could join a gym with an attached daycare for 30 minutes a day. Better Bodies in Aurora has a fabulous one.

Maybe pick up a hobby you can do.

S.,

You need a "Mothers of Preschoolers" MOPS group. Check them out at www.mops.org.

You are doing a terrific job!

T.

Hi,

I don't know if you are religous or not, but I became the Children's Ministry Coordinator for my local church and I can tell you most churches always need more volunteers and it doesn't even need to be working with kids, if that is not your thing. (although all of our children's divisions could use more help such putting art projects together, leading a program,playing the piano cutting out materials, etc...) We also have a social committee that always need help putting on fun activities for the whole church like Fall Festival, we have groups that volunteer at various local organizations such as Care and Share or the Marion House feeding the homeless. Last weekend our son, who is 4, joined his church friends and we took them to a local Nursing home to do crafts and sing with the residents. Getting involved in your local church gets you out of the house connecting with other people with a purpose, and we love being able to teach our son that serving others and the community is important.

You're about to say hello to your second little one, so you know your busy-ness quotient is going to go up very soon! School can take a lot of time and energy (and money)... but learning doesn't have to. When you say you need something else to do (and I understand that), does that something need to involve lots of other people? I happen to be the type of person who enjoys solitude in fairly good amounts, and don't need other adults around to keep me going. If you are that way, too, consider books! What would you like to know more about? Pick a subject (any subject), take yourself and your baby/babies to the library, and start book-hunting. If you have second-hand stores where you live, you may also find a good source of books there - in some ways, better than the bookstore chains that sell only what's "in." You can work as little or as much reading time into your day as is convenient and get your brain going in new and different directions. I discovered that it works better with a learning goal in mind than with diving into the fluffy type of fiction - I started with researching the lives of people who interested me and worked into history, to begin with. It's a time-honored remedy for a situation like yours. Hope this helps.

It sounds like you might benefit from some adult company - I joined La Leche League and my local MOMS Club when my oldest was 9 months. The activies and playgroups arranged with other Moms and similarly aged children to my own literally saved my sanity. Good luck, I'm sure there will be something out there for you!

This does sound like depression, as others have mentioned. I had really bad depression in my last pregnancy, I am sure due to the hormone changes, I got on Zoloft and within a few weeks I felt completely back to normal. I did not feel drugged out and it was easy to stop taking the medication- I just waited till I felt ready (a few weeks after the baby came) and then started cutting down to 1/2 a pill a day and then was off it in a month. I am mentioning this because many people are opposed to meds or are worried about the effects, but it was a lifesaver for me.

Talk to your OBGYN asap. I am certain this will alleviate a lot of the feelings you are having. As for working toward a goal, I understand completely. I would love to go back to school but my husband works out of town so I am a single mom most of the week and also have to work full time, so school is not an option right now. However, here are some things I do to keep myself sane and expand my mind in the interrim: reading: I am working on reading all the classics, I feel like not only is it enjoyable, inexpensive, I can sneak it in whenever I have time even if its just 20 min a day, and I feel like lit is a worthy goal that is making me a better person,a happier person. Same thing with exercise. I know that you are very pregnant so that is harder, but you could start with a maternity yoga or just walking etc and make a goal to become more fit, flexible, work on edurance etc. this will help your moods and you can easily fit in a video at home or take the kids with you on a walk. Last of all, a hobby of some sort, painting is what I like to do. Again, I can fit it in whenever and I do feel like I am improving my skills.

Good luck!

I can relate to your feelings, so it doesn't always have to do with being pregnant as both of my kids are adopted, however, that may play a role, not sure. However, I do think it's hard as a stay at home mom to not feel like your mind is wasting away in toddler land. My kids are 3 and 2, so much of my conversation and brain power resides in toddler land! We joined Playgroup a while back through the Bannock Youth Foundation and love it, it's once a week, a great way to meet other moms, the kids get a lot out of it and there is a parent-only session during meeting time where you can learn in person from other moms and the instructor. Also, I've gotten involved at our church helping with youth group and it's a great time for me to do just something involving me, not me and the kids or me and my husband even, and this has helped too. So if there's any way you can be a mentor or help out with a cause somehow and it allows you to get out when your husband is home, go for it. Now that my youngest is becoming more independent I am hopeful to join a monthly book club as reading is a great way to exercise the mind. I also do not want to do daycare, but some days are a struggle, so continue to talk to your husband about what your feeling and what your needs are, especially during the next transition. Truthfully, I thought going from one to two was really hard, but mine are very close together so it can get crazy sometimes. I also have to remind myself almost daily that they do grow up fast and probably sooner than I want them to they will not be buzzing around me every second. Hope this helps!

S.,
I know exactly what you mean!! I just had a baby 6 months ago and prior to that I was on some fairly strict low-activity guidelines because I was in some pretty intense pain. Dang my skeletal structure and uterus getting old and not being exercised enough!! Our only other child is 7.9 (she'd say it that way!), that would explain the uterus comment!!!

ANYWAY!! I used, and still do, Young Adult Novels. No I'm not a big Twilight fan (didn't and refuse to read them), but almost any other novel that is YA. I like the escape. And the challenge of watching children (sister-in-law's two kids) and trying to get it all done and still finish my book in record time!! I also started a blog beyond my family blog where I can blurt out my opinions of the books I read. It is fun, and I submitted a few really great ones to my very small local newspaper and they got in! I do the same thing now that my baby is almost 6 months old. I would really love to get together with friends, but we are in a rural area and it seems that the gals up here are too busy or too private for friends!! So I escape to the library!!

Enjoy!! Books are a great way to escape!!

V.

What do you love to do? Are you interested in cooking, crafty stuff, or decorating at all? Just having a project to work on or a new recipe to try has really helped me stay motivated and busy!

It sounds to me like you need a fulfilling hobby that won't take up too much time.
I discovered digital scrapbooking just before my second was born. It was great, because after he was born, I brought my Boppy to the computer and nursed him there. With my first, I struggled with doing nothing while nursing. Reading was okay, but I didn't always have a book or magazine, so I often ended up watching tv, which didn't really help me feel better. Digital scrapbooking is also great because there are no scissors or stickers or other supplies to get out, for your 2 yr old to get into, or to clean up when you're done.

If you haven't done this already, look for people in the neighborhood who have 2 yr olds. Set up play dates. You can enjoy some time alone, or go visit a grown-up friend yourself! Of course, you'll have to return the favor by having your daughter's friends over to your house. But you may find that your daughter needs less attention from you while she has a friend over, because your toys are suddenly more interesting when someone else thinks they're so great.

You can also set up park dates with other moms. Your kids play while you get to talk to a grown-up!

I've found that books help me keep my brain from feeling so unused. Look for books that are challenging, that make you think. I just finished a series of books that were interesting, but were written for young teenagers. I didn't feel any better after reading them all, because they were not a challenge at all! (they were way easier than Harry Potter or Twilight, even though the target audience is about the same)

If you want any information about digital scrapbooking, I'd be happy to send you some links to free stuff you can download. It's nice to be able to try out a new hobby without putting any money into it! Just PM me if you think it sounds interesting.