20 answers

Meeting the New Girlfriend?

To give you a little background. My 2 month olds father and I were never in a stated relationship. We lived together until I was about 6 months pregnant. When I mentioned that we need to discuss the financial arrangement because the amount he was paying was only agreed on until Sept. and he was suppossed to be saving, he decided to move out. I asked 2 months before giving birth if he was involved with anyone and he said he wasn't seeing anyone. Meanwhile this whole time his car was not drivable and I picked him up every morning to go to work since we worked at the same place. He would also borrow small amounts of money and additional little things. He was good about coming to appointments but that was about it. Our social life pretty much stopped when I became pregnant. We agreed he would be there when the baby was born and after to help with the baby. He was suppossed to take the first week off and help. Instead when the baby and I had only been home a couple of days I confronted him about his lack of support so soon and then he finally told the truth. There was a new girl and she had moved in with him and she had a small child. He told me she knew about me and the baby and wanted to be "involved" and this didn't effect his committment to the child. To make a long story short, he has not spent any significant time at the house to help with the child and at 6 weeks felt that he shouldn't have to see him at my house at all and wants to keep him for a couple of days. I told him I would the girl when I felt ready but didn't see what she needed to be involved in and at 8 weeks the third time I let him keep the baby and the first time I let him have the car seat he brings her to my house. My question is this, am I wrong to not want to rush into meeting her? And when I do I don't think it needs to be in depth? He doesn't call to check on the baby and may see him once a week but only because I have asked him to watch him for a couple of hours. I am already consulting an attorney but I don't want to keep him away from the child. Without going into details he is not responsible and not only does he live with the girlfriend and her chld there is also a roommate. Any advice would be helpful


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No, you don't have to meet new girlfriend or do anything for her and her child. THAT's HIS RESPONSIBILITY.

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Run do not walk and see an attorney When they say love is blind they were not wrong. If your exboyfriend is not coming thru, then you should have an attorney advise you and from there then you know where you stand and you make the decisions that best suit you. I am divorce mother and I know when the father does not want to be involved there is nothing much you can do. In Puerto Rico such a young baby will not be allow to be with the father unsupervised. I do not know where you live and the laws where you live might be different Good luck

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No to all you have suggested. There is absolutely no reason for a young baby to be shuffled to this girlfriend's arms because it is convenient for the sorry father. His girlfriend has probably given him grief about going to your house and he wants to keep the peace in that home at the baby's expense. Do not let your baby over there. If your boyfriend can't man-up and come see his child, later for him. You are not keeping him form the baby. he is choosing to stay away. You set the tone. You are not obligated to meet this girlfriend. How dare she dangle herself in your face. She has no respect for you, your baby, her own child nor herself. Stay away from her. Stick with your lawyer and let the courts decide visitation. Baby daddy is a jerk. Let the law handle him. J. Gordon

2 moms found this helpful

First of all, your first and only real obligation is to the healthy care and safety of your child. You have no obligation to this sorry man. This man is no good, not for you, not for your child. You do not have to beg for support because the law will handle that for you. I am suspecting that you, for whatever reason, are letting him off the hook because of some misguided feelings for him. Love is not like it is in the movies or in the books. Love is a mutual thing, not a one-sided thing. What you have is not love, it is obsession. You owe this girlfriend NOTHING and you certainly owe him NOTHING. I have to question why, under all the stars in heaven and against all reason, why you want this man to continue to be in your children's life. Do you really want him to be the male example to your son? Some children are better off without their dads and your son may be one of those children. Nevertheless, he owes that child the best he can possibly provide for the child's welfare, so if he does not willingly and consistently support the child, you go see a lawyer and get some advice and do it soon! for your child's sake!! Do NOT let that baby go to their house without you. This new girlfriend is just that - a girlfriend, and probably as transient as you were to him. She'll probably be gone in little to no time, too. For all you know, she might be crazy or evil and just take the baby with her and disappear! -- you cannot just send your baby over there for this woman, whom you have never even met and do not know and have no time to know, even if you wanted to, to "care" for your child! I am betting that he has no involvement in caring for the child when he takes him to his girlfriend to watch after. She probably wants a baby and thinks she can just use yours as her own now. Get a lawyer and the sooner the better! And for crying out loud, keep your baby with you and if he wants to see him, let him come to your house, with or without the girlfriend! And please, after meeting her once or twice, do not be fooled into believing that now that you have met her, you know enough about her to give your child over. You could know someone for a very long time and still not really know them. A few meetings with her is not enough for you to trust her, no matter how sweet she might turn out to be. If they marry, then that's a whole new can of worms, but for now, as long as she is just a girlfriend, keep your baby at home!

1 mom found this helpful

Typical visitation for an infant is a few hours here and there. Personally, I would be running to establish my child support order and let him worry about establishing the rest. Having been there done that, sometimes later on down the road, it's not worth the hassle of them being "involved" as younger children. I have an almost 18 year old with severe abandonment issues because his dad decided to move on when he was 7. I can't begin to tell you the amount of ways it has affected him. As for the girlfriend, you don't have to meet her. Unless she poses a threat, I don't see any judge placing restrictions on her being there though.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi J.,
If the girlfriend is going to be around your child, you most defintely need to meet her. Placing your child in a strange enviornment with a roommate is not safe at all. If your husband has a pattern of making bad decisions, don't think it will change suddenly since the baby is here.

You are correct in thinking not to purposely put space between the baby and the father, regardless of you guys situation; however, you have to make wise decision for your baby's safety.

Again, if this new girlfriend is going to be around your child, I would suggest all of you meet at your house. Hopefully, try to spend some time with her and don't be afraid to ask questions, in hopes of discovering her opinion of being responsible. LISTEN TO YOUR INSTINCT!!!!
If he just started dating her, needless to say, you can not depend on your so-to-be ex husband opinion.

I hope you are in good spirit, considering that he has decided to move on. Just remember, it is a blessing because if he could not appreciate you, you don't need him anyway. L.

1 mom found this helpful

No, you don't have to meet new girlfriend or do anything for her and her child. THAT's HIS RESPONSIBILITY.

1 mom found this helpful

It seems obvious that the father hasn't shown that he is a responsible adult. He can't even seem to take care of himself. I would not send my newborn to his girlfriends house. I would suggest sticking to the supervised visitation. Newborns require a lot of care and I find it hard to believe from what you have said about the father, that he is able to care for him. Sure you want your son to have a relationship with his father, but your main responsibility is to make sure your son is cared for. Until he proves that he is responsible, and you get to know the new girlfriend don't take a chance. Best of luck, and love and enjoy your new baby!

1 mom found this helpful

I would never let my new baby go with this man and his girlfriend! Supervised visits at your house... and nothing else. I think you should go to court for support and visitation arrangements if he gives you trouble.

1 mom found this helpful

I am a single professional mom with somewhat similiar circumstances. Cut the father completely out of your life period. This is hard on many levels to do but is best. Get child support no matter how little it may be with no visitations if possible. This man is not loyal or committed to either of you and thinking he will come around when he sees how cute or worthy your son is is a waste of time. You find support among family and friends and make your sons all around well being your first priority without any fantasy or more time concerning an arrangement with your detached babys fathers girlfriend.

You sound so much nicer than I would be in that situation. I think you should meet everyone in his house and go to the house. See how clean it is and know if there is any smoking there. I would never let my child at that age go to anyone's house until I knew 200% they were responsible. There are too many things that can go wrong with babies that age. I doubt he has done any homework. I do give him credit for going to your appt's and trying t o be involved, but... I think an attorney is definitely needed if you are going to get any child support . Remember to handle it as nicely as you can. This is the part of the process that sets the tone for your childs life. My parents fought about did he pay didn't he pay all my life. It SUCKED!!! Money brings out a different side of everyone. Remind him that you are not trying to stick it to him, but looking out for your child. My parents stuck it to eachother. In the end my sisters and I don't have a lot of respect for either of them. Look around at people you know who have dealt with child support and custody. Take note of what went right and what went wrong. You could even ask the girlfriend how she and her childs father dealt with it. It will be good to know what she will be chirping in his ear.

Good luck !

Hi J., congratulations on your new baby. I have to say that if the father is this unreliable and secretive, then there is no telling what is going on where he lives. Which means when your child is there, he is exposed to whatever life-style they lead. I really, really, recommend that you get a lawyer and set up child-support and visitation guidelines. It might even be possible to have visitation where the father has to come to your home to see your son, minus the girlfriend. As for the girlfriend, you don't owe anybody anything: if you don't want to meet her or talk to her, then don't. Focus on your new little man and keeps an arm's length to all that mess. Good luck!

You should keep your son away from his so-called father and his new girlfriend. Having another roommate living with him and his new girlfriend sounds very weird. You shouldn't let your son go to his father's dwelling place for your son's safety. I hope that this works out for you and your son.
P. S

If she would be around my child I would want to meet her...not become bestfriends but I would want to meet her and if I thought she was taking care of my child when the father should be I'd let him know it's his visit he should be taking care of the childs need not her (no offense). Meanwhile I'd be seeking advise from an few attorney's retain one to help me and I'd get some kind of support for the child it's his too. I have never had this situation since my husband and I are parents to my children I have never been divorced with children nor had children with another man other then my husband. I have had friends that have been divorced and they felt it necessary to meet their ex's girlfriend before leaving their children they wanted to make sure their child was in a situation where they felt comfortable with the girlfriend...they didn't want to feel like the person was a total stranger being around their child with their ex.

I have to say your information made me feel very uncomfortable-- for you and the baby! I know you want the best for the child. I have to be honest what came to mind- CHILD MOLESTATION-- there is a roommate at the girlfriends place or his. This girl is someone you don't know. This guy who is the father does not sound trustworthy! I just want you to know that most cases of molestation are with people that are family or known. Please cut the ties. I have worked with a nonprofit in helping children and families with this. Your child is not a trophy for this man. The baby is a precious child.

wow...um i would be upset too. to say the least. i think that you have app. been to nice to him. I think you should let him know what he's doing is wrong and tell him that you are talking to an attorney and child support & custody will be handled through the court system since he has shown such a lack of compassion and caring for his own child; even though he obviously has no problems with doing these things for the new girl. I think he never really had anything for you (that should've been obvious from the beginning...?) you didn't have a "stated" relationship?...BUT you lived together? what is it then? he was just a "roommate" you happened to get pregnant by? not that it would be the strangest thing these days, but honey you should've seen this coming when he moved out. I think he obv did save money to move out, probably from the sec he heard you were preg. some men like kids, some don't. Some men like kids with other women, and sadly not with some. Its weird. i've been in the same type sit and can only say this: 1-he will never change, NEVER 2-he will never be responsible with this child, UNTIL THE JUDGE MAKES HIM!!!! 3-if you involve his family, it might help with his lack of care. (sometimes mamas boys' attitudes can be adjusted real quick if they care about family opinions...sometimes). 4-YOU DESERVE better than HIM!!! get yourself together, screw him in court, and move on. He's a loser and obv never deserved to have such a nice person. Good luck!

No you have ever right to feel the way you do because its just kind of early for all that. Plus what does she need to be involved with your newborn for? I just think that all that will come in due time. If anything she just has to deal with you not your baby really, not yet. And is it that serious yet for them to even be doing the introductions. i mean she can know of you without you all actually meeting.

I'd want to meet her just to see how she reacts to your child. See how your child responds to her. Babies pick up on good and bad. You'd also be able to tell if she genuinely cares about the child or is faking it. Go with you're instincts. You'll know genuine caring from the get go. Most people can't fake genuine caring. You need to see who's going to be having a part in your child's well being, to be safe and set you're mind at ease. If it's supervised visits then so be it. The child is what's most important.

i have an ex husband with a girlfriend. i moved out december 12 and she was there in january. in my opinion i didn't want to meet the gf. its to weird. but i did want to know about her. because she would be around my babies. but i also didn't let my ex husband take my son until he was 5 months. he could come and see his son for a half hour to an hour at my house with me there. (so i could shower or make a important phone call) he also wasn't allowed to take my son overnight until her was 7 months old. but by that time he didn't want to because we also have twin 2 yr olds. thats to much work. lol but i wouldn't push the child on him. and tell him you dont have to keep meeting her. once is enough. unless she becomes the step mom and then you should want to know her like you know him.

I would want to meet everyone who is living in that home, because they will be around your child. Knowing the girlfriend is not about you or her or her relationship with the father. It is about knowing who is around your baby. She may be a great person and mother, but you do not know that yet. My stepdaughter's mother would not meet me when my husband and I first got married, and she still has never had an actual conversation with me two years later. I have always been open to meeting her so she knows that I have her daughter's best interest at heart and will do right by her while she's with us. I thought it would make the situation better. However, our situation with my stepdaughter's mother is not good, and I attribute a lot of it to the fact that she has never bothered to have a conversation with me. If it was my child, you better believe I would make the effort to know a girlfriend, wife or roommate who I know will end up spending time around my child. You just never know if they are good people to be around your baby. It will probably be uncomfortable, but at least you will feel more at ease while your baby is with his father.

Regarding the time he spends with the baby, I feel the father has just as much rights as the mother. Some fathers are incredible parents and can handle newborns just as well, if not better, than some mothers. Case in point, my husband has been an awesome father from day one. He knew how to change diapers, make bottles, etc. He shared nighttime duties with me and made me go out with my friends while he stayed home with our baby. Even if he was not a good boyfriend to you, he may be a great father. Your baby should not be denied that. Plus, research shows that children benefit best when both parents are involved in their life equally. Shared parenting is best for children and most beneficial. With everything we've been through with my stepdaughter and the custody issues, we've had to do a lot of research on this. It's hard to trust someone else with your baby, I know. But, you may find that he's a great dad. And if it turns out that he's not, then you need to put some restrictions on his time with the baby. I hope everything works out for you and your baby. :)

Wow, J. - I feel so sorry for you and your newborn. This man (hard to call him a man) has nothing to offer you. You need to move on with your life and hope and pray you meet a good man who would be a responsible husband and father to your sweet child. God bless you. M.

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