Me Time Please!

Updated on February 03, 2012
E.A. asks from El Monte, CA
13 answers

Hi moms,
Please help me figure this one out...I always get feedback that I may be in need of some "me"time or a date night with my hubby. I have yet to take this advise because its impossible! Im venting over 2 issues that really have blown my mind & I am not sure how to respond. Issue #1 My girlfriend(I dont have many) Facebooked me to hang out with her & have some drinks tonight. She needs to vent about some stuff & i can use the time out since I am a stay at home mom. Well my husband responded umm no. So I got upset & asked him why. He then avoids me & says he doesnt want to talk about it & do whatever I want?? So that twas confusing to me :/ Then Issue #2 I have been telling him that the PTA has invited me to a convention in a couple months & I would have to spend 1 night away, I brought it up to my mom because I was excited & we are very close. She has become like a Helicopter mom if you know what I mean. Right away she said No you cant you are a mom. What about the kids. I said my husband if off those days & he can watch them. Well my husband didnt really say much but he made me feel like yeah you cant go! So Im bothered now that I think about it because I can NEVER so anything if its not with my family. If I need to do things we all do it. I dont leave without any of them. This cant be ok?? Or is it? I mean Im almost 30 years old. Im a mother of 3. I feel like Im treated like a child. Are moms/ wives not allowed to go out for a drink or a school event for the kids? We got in a big argument over it & his attitude now is do whatever you want but I know its not ok so I'm confused. I just cant please everyone. My mother & sister are a huge burden always telling me you cant do this you cant do that. You always have to be with your husband & kids. The odd thing is I am. Any advise??Thanks

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So What Happened?

A BIG thanks. Your feedback helped me realized that I am not insane for wanting to go to the convention or drinks with my friend. I did go :) Actually she is my daughters Nina & we had plans already to get her 1st bday pictures taken so instead of my whole family coming along, I went with my daughter & after we went to dinner! It was sooo nice to be out even if I had one of my kids. It was just us girls. Im working on not feeling guilty for doing this but It was a start. As far a st he convention my husband said he did support me & to go ahead & go. He is NOT controlling at all. I need to clarify that. I get most of the pressure from my family & even his. Its so h*** o* me but I will try to not let it get to me. WE are so used to doing "family" everything its going to be hard to set time aside form me but I had a great time with my friend & it was so needed. Thanks if it wasnt for your feedback I would of stayed home & canceled the convention. But I am a grown woman & I need to stick up for myself :) Thanks moms

More Answers

✤.J.

answers from Dover on

You're grown, correct? Stop asking permission & take control of your own life.

I'm 35 years old with a husband, a 12 year old son & a 10 year old daughter. A few weeks ago for the first time ever I went on vacation for 5 days to the Bahamas with my mother, aunt & sister (who has an almost 2 year old & a 6 year old). Yep, no men & no children. I can't speak for anyone else, but my man in particular as well as my daughter were not at all pleased with this arrangement. Guess what?? Everyone survived!

Everyone in your family will survive if you go away for a little while, too, whether it's an evening out, or a long weekend.

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L.C.

answers from Dover on

Stop trying to please everyone! You don't need your mom's permission to go to the event. It would be nice if she supported you, but you have to do what you think is best for you and your family. She got her chance with her own and now it's your turn.

It would be nice if you and your husband were in agreement, but you can't be a slave to your home. He will be fine taking care of the children HE helped create while you walk away from there a little while. The sky won't fall and he can get glad in the same pants he got mad in. When you decided to have children you didn't agree to be their SOLE caregiver. You are the primary caregiver as the stay at home parent, but there will be times he's going to have to step up and fill his role as secondary.

Quit waiting for everyone to approve and just GO. In the evening sometime this weekend or in the next week, get your shoes on, get your coat and purse and look at your husband and say, "The kids are fed and happy, so I'm going to Starbucks. You want anything while I'm gone? You could start their bath and I'll finish it when I get back." If he suggests you all go, just start walking for the door and tell him "no".

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J.B.

answers from Boston on

Go with your gut. You are a grown woman who has an identity outside of motherhood and that identity needs to be recognized and nurtured. It's too bad that those closest to you are going against that basic need.

Please go out tonight with your girlfriend and enjoy yourself, and book that PTA getaway. Your husband is a grown man and father and will manage just fine. While it would be great if he were on board with your plans, he's already being pissy to you. So for tonight, he'll be pissy and you can stay at home or he'll be pissy and you can go out. You're not going to change his mood, so go out! Maybe he'll see that he's being selfish and immature. He gets to go out to work every day and probably has hobbies...why shouldn't you have a life too? You DO NOT always have to be with your husband and kids...that's just such a crazy thought.

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C.S.

answers from Kansas City on

You need to tell your husband and your mom that you weren't asking their permission, only informing them of your plans. Have fun. :) Best wishes

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M.M.

answers from Lake Charles on

Holy wow they all need to get with the times!!! Maybe when YOUR mom was young that was societies views but things have changed. Tell your husband that there is nothing unreasonable about the PTA trip, IT'S FOR YOUR KIDS! Let him know that you really want to go with your girlfriend for a few hours and unless he can give you a valid reason why thats unacceptable then you will be going.. you can't let these people keep you prisoner! Stand your ground and tell your mom and sister to butt out!

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M.P.

answers from Raleigh on

You go do your thing. Screw 'em! Maybe if your husband has to take care of the kids for a little while, he will understand how much you need a breather every now and then. Don't feel guilty. A good mom is a happy mom, and it sounds like you need to let your hair down!

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A.G.

answers from Dallas on

You will be a better wife and mother if you are a happy individual. I hope you have a wonderful time out with your friend tonight! You really need to go out with her. You need to go on the PTA trip, too. It's important for a woman to have her own interests, and time away from her family.

It will also give you and your husband something other than your children to talk about, and ultimately it will strengthen your marriage, if your husband will listen to reason. I used to worry about what we would talk about when our kids were grown and out of the house, but now we both have plenty of interests other than our children, and we love to tell each other about those interests. I don't worry anymore.

Good luck, and have fun!

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C.O.

answers from Minneapolis on

Just because you're a mom/wife does not mean you're not an individual. I do plenty of things with and without my husband and kids. I have 2 kids and I'm 31 years old. If I want to go out with friends I make sure my husband will be home and I tell him what I'm doing. Sometimes I compromise on time and how long I'm gone. You have to be able to do things on your own. I would have a sit down with him and tell him how you feel. He needs to be more understanding and open. I know it doesn't help that your mother & sister are not backing you up. It's not like you want to go out and party all night!

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K.M.

answers from Oklahoma City on

My advice would be to do "whatever you want" and go out with your friend tonight. An hour or two with a friend while he takes care of the kids shouldn't be too much to ask of your husband. Then when you get home, thank him profusely and let him know how much you appreciated it. Hopefully things will go fine while you were gone. That, together with your appreciation, should soften him up a bit while letting him see how important it is for you to have a little time to yourself. Then maybe it won't be a big argument when it's time for you to leave for the PTA convention :)

As far as your mom and sister, well, they're wrong. It's certainly okay--even necessary--for moms to have a little "me-time" every now and again. You didn't have kids by yourself. Your kids have parentS (plural!). Dad should be helping out with them sometimes, even if it's mostly your responsibility. (A personal pet peeve: I can't stand it when I hear a dad say he is "babysitting" his kids. If they're your kids, it's not babysitting--it's "raising")!

S.L.

answers from New York on

Do you seriously need your husband's permission to go out? Does he also tell you how to dress? When to talk? Of course you should not spend every single minute with your kids and hubby. You and your husband need counseling, if he wont go, then go by yourself, it will help you become a stronger, more confident person, a better mom and a better role model for your children. Do not let your kids think that a woman can be bossed by a man unless you want your daughters to grow up and think they have to put up with ANYTHING their husbands dish out.
Make plans to go on the convention, look into hiring someone to keep the kids and show him the price estimate and let him decide whether he is man enough to take care of his own children or rich enough to pay for help. Be objective and let him make that choice and make sure you can live with the decision if he cannot do it. Give him lots of praise when he is with the kids about what a great dad he is and build up his confidence with a little time spent alone with a child or two. Maybe he is scared of being alone with three kids and will need some practice before you go. It's your job to help him connect with all three kids and be a better father, even if that means pushing him a little to spend time alone with them.

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M.

answers from Las Vegas on

Wow. Your husband is not being fair and neither are your mother or sister! I just had a discussion with my husband tonight. I found out today at work that I will be going to a convention out of town. I was trying to find a way to bring my family so that I could see them after 5pm, but there will be parties and events after. My husband said to me "don't worry about us, go have fun. You deserve a few days to yourself." I've never left my children or husband and as soon as I started to feel guilty, my husband was there to make me feel better.

You need to have a serious talk with your husband about why he doesn't want you to go. Try not to argue with him, just talk calmly and ask questions. Even if he isn't on board, I would still go unless he has really good reasons why you shouldn't. You are entitled to a night out with your friend and as far as the PTA - really - you need permission for that? I agree with Sandy on counseling.

As far as your mom and sister - it isn't really their business what you do.

Good luck to you - go have that drink.....

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M.L.

answers from Colorado Springs on

I'm thinking that maybe your husband is avoiding a discussion about these things because he may not want to have a big confrontation with you. People just don't like drama unless they create it themselves.

My question is this: if he did tell you what was making him uncomfortable, would you listen to him and try to understand? Don't answer too quickly. Would you LISTEN, be non-defensive, see his point of view, and perhaps even change your mind? Or would you flare up with, "How can you say such things? That's so stupid! You don't know anything about it! What's the matter with you, always spoiling my plans?" He's anticipating that you will flare up - so why not just keep the peace and let you do what you please?

He may be feeling toward you the way you feel toward him right now.

In a real conversation, somebody has to do the listening... and since you're the one who wants the information, it's going to have to be you.

Husbands sometimes have different insights on their wives' friends - insights that the wives would never think of. Wives certainly are that way about their husbands' buddies.

I think you probably should have consulted with your husband about taking care of the children for the convention night before you mentioned it to your mother or anybody else. Otherwise, it has him feeling like a hired hand. You and your husband need to be on the same team.

L._.

answers from San Diego on

Maybe it's the choice of place and activity he's concerned with. A few weeks ago I thought my mom and I could go to a comedy club. Now keep in mind, I'm very NAIVE. The guy that was going to be here locally is Pauly Shore. I've only seen him in movies. My husband WENT OFF! He told me that no respectable Christian woman would even consider it. I was offended at first. But I didn't argue with him. I looked him up on youtube. Boy oh boy!!! I couldn't watch 30 seconds of his act online. I'm glad I didn't pay for the tickets to go in person.

Why don't you go ahead and find a better time to talk with him and find out if he is insecure about you being out where men might hit on your and or if he feels that it could become a trend and he's not comfortable with being alone with the kids. Maybe you should start with a couple hours hitting the barnes and noble store for some coffee and reading time first. That may start getting him used to the idea of you being gone in a less threatening place.

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