Maybe Moving, Maybe not...I Need Advice

A.,
The real issue is that you and your husband need to find a new home for YOUR family. Why move your entire family across the country to live with HIS parents now?
Find a house to buy or rent or an apartment in your area.
I know the offer of housing seems like an immediate "no brainer" solution, but it will only prolong the process of getting your own space. JMO.
Good luck!

I have to say my jaw is hanging open. You need to move out. Not in with more family that will enable you to continue to not grow as an adult but into your own home. Find a place that your husband can find work or if he is already working just move out. I think your parents have allowed you to live with them for far too long. 4 years?

Your parents were more than generous to allow you guys (adults) to live with them, especially for 4 years. They've grown more than used to you all being around them. BUT, your mother giving you a guilt trip is totally unacceptable and uncalled for, if she actually does this. You are adults and no matter how much we may miss our children parents must let them go for what is best for them.

To be honest, you should have moved out years ago, not just for your sanity but out of respect for your parents. It is time for you to move. But to move into another parents house? You must have a deadline of how long you will live with your MIL. That is a must. You two have gotten into the habit of living with someone else and depending on someone else. You need to get your independence back.

Do you have to buy right this second? I would rent a smaller place before I'd move in with other people. Either way, you need to go! And yes SC is a great place to live! We lived in NC for several years and miss it terribly! Cost of living can generally be less in a warmer state, as in clothes will cost less for starters. It's cheaper to buy shorts and tees than winter gear, lol.

I say move and move fast! Explain to your parents in the shortest and simplest terms and when the guilt trips start flying demand NOT to be put into that position because it's NOT fair, period. If she carries on about it, tell her to grow up. Parents are suppose to be nurturing and supportive and not think about themselves. In essense, she's being selfish by guilting you, period.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets
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Um, aren't your parents the ones telling you to leave? How, then, would they have the right to come back and try to make you feel guilty for leaving? Doesn't make sense. I'd say do what you have to do right now until you get your own house, and do everything you can to make that happen.

Hi, A.:

My question is: How come you have lived with your parents for
the last 4 years? How much rent did you pay each month?

Had you thought about living in an apartment before you
buy a house? How much can you afford to pay monthly?

Just want to know.
D.

It sounds to me like it's time to find a place of your own. I don't think moving in with someone else is going to give you the fresh start you want. Even if your parents and his parents are the most welcoming of people, you'll overstay your welcome. It's not YOUR house. I firmly believe that kids need a space that's theirs. I would be you and your husband do to. And you said she would be willing to take you in for a "short time." You need to know exactly what she means. Does she mean a week? A month? A few months? I'm betting that it's not going to be very long. Possibly 6 months at most. Does your husband have a job there? If not, what's the job market like? Will he be able to find good employment quickly? What are your options for housing South Carolina? How much does the average home cost compared to what you would pay in your current location? What is the difference in the cost of living? And is it possible that you get along with your MIL so well because you don't see her very often? I know not all MILs are bad, but you'll be living in her house, which means her rules.
There are so many things to think about. Personally, I think you'd be better off renting an apartment until you can find a house that you like.

'

I am familiar with New Castle, I grew up right down the road from there. So I can understand why you would want to move to the beach! I don't have a ton of advice for you, except to say that we moved away from home and it was not all we thought it would be. We only moved about 2 hours away, but it was not the "fresh start" we wanted. We really loved the town we lived in, but moved to be closer to my husbands job. We have had terrible experiences with the people here (we met a few nice ones, but most turned out to be not so nice). We miss home, our friends, our family etc. In fact we miss home so bad, we have decided to move back. And we could not be happier to be going home.

That does not mean that moving would be bad for you. You would have family there, so at least you would know somebody there. My only worry for you is that your MIL said you could stay there "for a short time". What happens if it takes awhile to get on your feet? Would she ask you to leave? Where would you go? Maybe send your husband down first to secure a job before the whole family moves?

Only you can decide what is right for your family. We, personally, found out that moving away from our family and friends was not the right decision for us. But sometimes moving away is the frest start to a whole new and better life. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you luck!

A.,
If you guys want a fresh new start and something different for your family's well being, then pick up and go. Give it a try and if things don't work out you can always come back. Now you need to think about work over there and your expenses. Will you guys be a blessing to your mother in law or turn out to be a burden? As for your mother, like I said before if you guys want a change and a new start, then let her know that as soon as you guys can settle down you can have her come over or you guys can come visit. The chances for you to visit will depend on your finances, so if you guys have a secured job there, then go. And by secured I don't mean "such and such promised me a job"!!! no! you need to know that you are hired and that you will start working like yesterday!!!! If you don't want to leave but find this offer "good", I suggest you try to maybe find a home or apartment you can rent for a little while until you can find something you can buy. But just don't leave because it's a "good" offer. Whatever your decision is, you need to get on with your life and find and go for what you believe is or will be the best outcome for your family.
Blessings

Oh A....I was in your shoes as far as the guilt. My parents are divorced and for as long as I can remember, it has been my mom and me. I am an only child and at the time, I had an almost 3 year old and was due to have my second son.

In our case, my husband got a job promotion that meant us moving from MD to upstate NY. I didn't know what to do because like you, I knew my mom was going to freak...and while she held it together better than I expected, she DID freak to a degree but what could I do. We had to do what was best for our family at the time and that meant moving.

I spent the first year or so coming home about every 6 weeks and my grandmother did die about a year after I moved, but again, what could I do? That was the opportunity we had at the time and we needed to take it. You guys sound the same...like you need an opportunity to get out on your own again and that isn't working where you are.

I will tell you my mom has since flown for the first time in her life - and many times now in the past 6 years or so. She comes for every birthday party and if we aren't there for Thanksgiving or Christmas or going to visit the in-laws, she comes here.

Right now we are trying to decide where to plant our roots and wherever that ends up being, my mom is going to live as well.

You make it work. While my mom misses seeing us every week, she understands it was what was best for our family. THEY are our priority now. Just remember, if she does give you a hard time, you need to be loving but FIRM. Tell her you love her, you will miss her horribly, but that you don't have any where else to turn right now. If the guilt trip gets to be too heavy, put a stop to it. Tell her this is very hard for you as it is and that she is not helping and WALK AWAY. I'm not saying be rude to your mom but your mom doesn't have the right to treat you horribly either when what are you doing to be mean? You obviously love your mom and don't want to hurt her.

I wish you the best. I know how tough this is.

First of all 4 years is way to long to be living with your parents, no wonder they want you out. So MIL says for a short time, what is her definition of a short time, what's yours? How long before MIL tells you it's time to move out. So what's the plan move to SC for awhile, then move back to PA? Or permenently relocate to SC and buy a house there?

Putting family (mother and grandparents) aside for now, what about your child/children? Living in the same house I'm sure they are very attached to grandma and grandpa, you want them to go from seeing them every day to seeing them every few months? What about your jobs? Jobs are very hard to come by. Do you work for a large corporation and can put in for a transfer? How will you aford the move? Are you going to use up all the money you've saved for a house for moving expenses and something to live off of?

It seems odd that your having so much trouble buying a house. It's a buyers market. How many deals have fallen through? Why don't you just consider renting for now?

No matter what path you choose, in order for you to be happy and have a new start, you need to find your own residence.

I think this is the perfect chance for you to find the place where you want to live. It seems to me that you've been leaving in a comfort zone for 4 years and will move it to your MIL. I do not think this is the best idea. Visiting is different than living with someone we like and likes us. You have proof of it, already. The real new start is having your own place to live in. However, didn't you save enough during these four years to take advantage of the market of "today" ? Home loans are not easy to get these days, and that could be the reason your deals have shut down. In other words, if you can not buy it, rent it. There is a popular saying that translates in something like this: "If you marry, you'll love a house"... and this is absolutely true.

I understand about the ill grandparents. I stayed for 10 years in a place I didn't like because I was taking care of my sick parents. Them being my parents though, they wanted me to get out in the world and go, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. You may be missing out on a great opportunity for your family just because you feel guilty. If you really want to do this (which it sort of sounds like you do) you just need to stand up to her when the guilt trip starts to flow. Good Luck