Married but Feeling like Roomates

Hi R.:
Your relationship with your husband,is considered a Partnership. He's using that term literally,by turning your marriage into a business partnership.The only time,I've had a relationship like yours,is when I was living with my boyfriend,and we both agreed to spliting cost.Part of the reason for that,was greed. The other was because we both had children from previous marriages,and didn't want to squabble,about monies we wanted to spend on them.We felt,we would have problems agreeing on who or what was a priority.We thought,of situations like what if...His daughter asked for a car.And I felt my son needed one also.Would we be able to agree who was the priority?We both agreed, with this setup and never questioned where the other spent their hard earned money.When we married,those things changed.We considered ourselves A team.We matured,and learned to make important decisions together.We practiced compromise,and any big purchases,or loans to the kids were discussed and were in accordance.Your married now R.,and you and your husbands income should be combined,with you having some spending allowance,for incidentals.Your son and you both must be insured.This is very irresponsible on your husbands part.If either of you had A medical emergency,All your care,would be coming out of his pocket,as he is considered next of kin.The collectors will come to him for payment. He is the primary provider for his family.To be so petty,as take what little you earn,tells me he is not much of one. Get some estimates for 24 hour child care,house cleaning 7 days a week,and a cook for weekly meals, then hand it to him. Tell him,that's the going rate for the job you do daily. If hes determined to make this marriage more of a business transaction,lets be fair about it,and pay you for your work.Tell him that you'll pay your part of the bills out of your income from that. Frankly,I think I'd set up a tip jar on the end table by the bed. Maybe he'll get the message.lol.If your going to be that nic picky,you can pay for it ALL. If this fails,get to a counselor with him.He needs to hear the painful truth about himself. I wish you the best J. M.

3 moms found this helpful

Wow, that is tough! As soon as we were married, my husband and I just put everything into one account and I took over "paying" the bills/balancing the checkbook. It was such a relief to not have to worry about who was paying for what or splitting things. We do have rules though. Like big items are always discussed first. Plus, any interest you earn/savings adds up faster when it's all in one account.

Now, the bringing it up to hubby part. I personally sometimes find it difficult to bring touchy subjects up with my husband. If you're really having a hard time talking to him about all of this, maybe it wouldn't hurt to write him a letter? Sometimes we're unable to "hear" everything our spouses are saying because our own thoughts get in the way or we interrupt them. If it's all written down, maybe he'll pay more attention?

Even though my hubby and I don't split our finances, we can still sometimes feel like roommates, too! It's not always about the money. My hubby and I just recently had a long heart-to-heart because we've been feeling distant lately. And guess what? We discovered that we were both having similar feelings. He was afraid I was feeling "stuck" in the relationship, and I thought he was the one who felt "stuck." Really, we both wanted "in," but we realized we hadn't been spending enough quality time together to know it. Even if we're sitting in front of the TV together every night, or we're in the same room but one of us is on the computer, etc. it's not like we're really spending quality time together. So we decided to make Tuesday night OUR night. I was looking forward to it all day yesterday. After our son was in bed, we talked about our days, I gave hubby a much needed back rub, and then we played board games. It was fun and it felt like we were reconnecting again. It's so easy to get wrapped up in the daily grind and look over at your spouse and think, "who is that person? do I even know anymore?" Maybe if you make the first move in a positive way, your hubby might appreciate it and respond back in a positive way.

May God bless you and watch over you and your family!

3 moms found this helpful

OK First of all, let me say your son needs to be on his insurance... who pays for his doctors visits? He's a boy so he's bound to be in to things more and eventually bones will be broken, cuts will happen, etc!
He's sounds like a petty a** if you ask me. I'd have left him a LONG time ago, but I understand what you are saying about depending on him for a house to live in. I was in the same boat not too long ago, but my life has turned around and i can see the the surface of the water and sometimes even the shoreline. Swim R.! Start putting aside a portion of your money in to savings. That may mean you need to only buy enough food to feed you and your son and if he wants to eat then he can buy his own food. I like the other mother's response who says that you should be getting paid for doing the work around the house too since he wants to live like this. He is NOT living like a marriage or a couple. I have dated many men in my 30 years and I have never run in to one that didn't like to treat his "princess" to whatever she needs/wants. My current boyfriend has gone without LOTS of things in our tough circumstances in order for me to have a new dress... to have this or that... and THAT is the way it should be. My guess is that he's not feeling like a man because he can NOT provide for his family. IF he disputes this then he's lying. Men are wired to provide and women are wired to caretake (with the few exceptions out there).
I would suggest a trial separation. Can you stay at a parent's house? A friend's house? I know you do the baby-sitting during the day, and maybe you need to continue that in your home, but leave in the evening when he gets home or you close up shop. Let him fend for himself.
Also, it sounds like there isn't much communication... his way or the highway... so if that's the case LET HIM EAT PAVEMENT!
I'm sorry... I'm just angry with your roommate and how he treats the woman he was supposed to be in love with. Good luck to you and i hope that you see the shoreline soon!

3 moms found this helpful

R. I'm sorry you have to go through this...its hard feeling like a single mom in a relationship! As for the money...my advice would be for each of you to get separate checking accounts and then get a household account that all bills get paid out of. You will have to prepare a budget that pays for all the expenses and that's how much money you put in that account each month. Each of you would make different contributions. If he makes 80% of the total income and you make 20% of the total income then he would put in 80% of the total budget in the account and you would put in 20% of the total budget in the account. Whats left over is in each of your accounts and you can choose to spend it however you want. You son IS an expense you both should share and therefore should be included in the monthly budget. And if that doesn't work...you could always find out what child support would be and make him pay you that! LOL.

2 moms found this helpful

Sorry you are going through this but I think you need to let your husnabd know whats going on and that you can't afford all the your paying for and that you need his help. I am not sure what to say but to say that if this is a true marriage it should all be equal and You have to demand that. My husband and I put both pay checks into one account and pay the bills that way. I get some money for extra activities for my son and I. But I have 2 credit cards I use to buy gas and groceries. My husband doesn't understand the cost of food or other household items. So maybe one week you should act sick or unable to go to the store make a list and tell him if he can stop by the store and pick up groceries and household items for one week. Maybe he needas and eye opening to what things really cost. I hope things get better. and If your husband is making enough money that th state says he make too much then he needs to be spending more on your son and other household items. ALso he really needs to step up with the health insurance. Its so expensive its something not worth having. Medical bills can brake a family financially. please discuss this with him. also maybe you guys should see one of those finacial people that helps with a budget or some counceling just to fisilitate some disscussions. Good luck

1 mom found this helpful

Maybe you could go to a local church Calvary or that type of church sometimes will give food out for free. You could look under churches in the yellow pages and call and ask if the have a food program. You also could look for local food banks and see where they are around you and if you could get food from them too. I am so sorry for you. Please don't forget to have fun with your child. Time goes by so fast. I will pray for you. God bless you.
S.

http://www.goldensharefoods.com/
This is a food co-op in ca
Maybe you could find one where you live.

1 mom found this helpful

This is so sad....I had a similiar marriage, but with help things have gotten a bit better~SLOWLY. Here is what I did:
I would suggest to your 'husband' that if he wants to split finances up this way then he needs to PAY you for baby sitting his child, for cooking his meals, doing his laundry, ans whatever else you do that is just for him. If you were not there to accomplish those things then he would have to hire out anyway. Does he give you money to pick up his extras at the store? Then you can also get paid for running his errands. It just seems ODD, a marriage is a partnership, which means you work TOGETHER, not apart. So if you dont get paid then you quit! You are allowed to do that at any other 'job' so you can do it at this one too. Load up your son and leave...then your husband will see how much you do and pay for when the lights get turned off, he is having to drop his dirty laundry off at the cleaners, buy his dinners each night, and so forth.
You will be in my prayers, God bless.

That sucks, but I appreciate that you want to fight for the relationship. It sounds like the love is buried in there somewhere and you need some strategies to raise love up to the surface.

1) Sit down together and set family goals. Mention it one night and pick an evening to collaborate on it (i.e. don't expect him to be ready right then and there). Goals should include things like... health insurance (I know times are hard, but this is critical!), life insurance, personal hobby goals (this includes personal time to persue internet gaming or maybe girls night for you), college fund, entertainment/slush fund... they should also include non-money things like family game nights or health goals. You will have to prioritize and estimate how much different things cost. Don't give up, b/c prioritizing will be hard--it might feel like you can't accomplish everything, so try not to get too frustrated...if you need to, take a break and try again later until it is worked out. If you can't work it out on your own, solicit help--from friend, family, or professional (marital or financial counselor).

Make your meeting constructive and about the family so it doesn't seem like nagging.

2) The other issue here is emotional support. It is hard to stay "in love" when you have the daily drudgery weighing you down. My hubby and I also went through a phase of feeling like we were just living side-by-side and not connecting with each other. It is hard to make that extra effort to connect with one another when you are so tired and burned out that you can't even think straight--that is why we often zone out in front of the TV or the computer. If your hubby needs a break after work, that is okay, but together you should agree on an acceptable amount of time so it doesn't take away from the goals of playing with his son or connecting with you.

If enjoying your son's childhood AND loving you are not two of his goals/priorities, then you've got issues, but I suspect they will be, and that means you CAN work it out...
Good luck Rachel. I hope you got some inspiration from the various responses.

Dear Mama,

I have been here, and we are still in it! I emailed him (yes on myspace) and just told him how I was feeling about things with my list. He was making about 2000 a month and I was making 500, so we decided to get a joint account AND keep our own. We pay our own car insurance and split the cell phone, get our personal items, and the rest goes in the pot to FAMILY EXPENSES; Rent, food, health insurance, cable and internet, home phone, etc. You shouldn't have to pay for all the food, and then go hungry, that's just wrong. He needs to understand that even if he has some problem with you (not saying he does) he needs to do what's best for his child, and set a good example for him. Like getting health insurance for him. If he is offered the insurance, chances are he could afford it if he wanted to.
Solving money issues helps a lot in a relationship, but it always goes a lot deeper than that. I hope you get some stuff resolved! If you're willing to put in the effort, it will work out for you, but it goes both ways.